July 9: Belt of flaming hickeys

I’ve been reading The Bloggess lately and I love her. I admit, it’s primarily because she’s clever and hilarious—the best combo, in my book—but also because we have the same name. AND her husband’s name is Victor. I’m sorta hoping her readers will get us confused and start praising me for her snarky and oh-so-witty writing. She uses the f-word more frequently in her blog than I do in mine, but maybe people will just think I finally started acting-speaking-writing like a normal person. A girl can dream.

Her Houston Chronicle column today is laugh-out-loud funny and I am never wrong about this kind of thing. Never.

July 8: Jen steals from Chris AGAIN

1. What do you add to your coffee?
   I like it black, like my men. Ha, aren’t I hilare? For reals, at home I add French vanilla creamer. In restaurants, two creamers and 1/3 sugar packet.
   
2. What are you reading now?
   When You Are Engulfed in Flames, by David Sedaris
   
3. Do you own a gun?
   Nope
   
4. Are you registered to vote?
   Of course
   
5. Do you get nervous before doctor appointments?
   Only the ones involving my nethers, and it’s not so much nervousness as dread
   
6. What do you think of hot dogs?
   (Don’t gross out, Kath…) I’m embarrassed to say I think they’re delicious
   
7. Favorite Christmas song?
   I love love love Christmas music, so it’s very hard to choose just one. Probably one of the classics, like White Christmas.
   
8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning?
   Coffee, coffee, and more coffee
   
9. Can you do push ups?
   Why the hell would I do a push up?
   
10. What was the name of your first boyfriend/girlfriend?
    I think Brad was my first “real” one—but oh, what a summer before that! (Now you just be quiet, Sherilee…)
    
11. What’s your favorite piece of jewelry?
    I wear my dad’s thumbprint in sterling silver
    
12. Favorite hobby?
    Reading
    
13. Do you work with people who idolize you?
    They don’t idolize me, but some think I’m a magician and I let them believe it
    
14. Do you have ADD?
    What? Oh look, a chicken!
    
15. What’s one trait that you hate about yourself?
    My ADD
    
16. What’s your middle name?
    Lynn
    
17. Name three thoughts at this exact moment.
    My head hurts, I’m thirsty, why hasn’t the air conditioning clicked on yet?
    
18. Name three things you bought yesterday.
    Party goods, churros for K&J on the way out of Costco, iced mocha
    
19. Name three beverages you regularly drink.
    Coffee, water, iced tea
    
20. Current worry right now?
    Will this house ever be ready for the bazillion people that will be here on the 19th?
    
21. Favorite place to be?
    Right now I would love to be in Sunriver (we just made our Christmas plans so it’s been on my mind lately)
    
22. How did you bring in the New Year?
    Every year since we’ve been married we toast each other with our wedding goblets
    
23. Where would you like to go?
    Anyplace cleaner and quieter than where I am right now
    
24. What color shirt are you wearing?
    White
    
25. Do you like sleeping on satin sheets?
    Yuck, no
    
26. Can you whistle?
    Yes
    
27. Favorite color?
    Navy blue
    
28. Could you be a pirate?
    No, but I would love to be a pirate’s wench
    
29. What songs do you sing in the shower?
    None, usually. There’s a window in our shower and people outside can probably hear whatever goes on in there.
    
30. What’s in your pocket right now?
    Lint
    
31. Last thing that made you laugh?
    A blog where someone called her “Parisite Hilton”
    
32. Best bed sheets as a child?
    Dry ones
    
33. Worst injury you’ve ever had?
    It was 1995; I twisted my ankle and fell, breaking my right foot and putting a giant hole in my left knee. Can’t decide which hurt more at the time, but the foot still bothers me every day.
    
34. Do you love where you live?
    The area? Yes, yes, yes! The house, not so much.
    
35. How many TVs do you have in your house?
    Four
    
36. How many dogs do you have?
    Deux
    
37. Does anyone have a crush on you?
    Unrequited? I doubt it.
    
38. What are the most fun things you ever did?
    Where do I begin? I’ve had a pretty fun life so far.
    
39. What are your favorite books?
    To Kill a Mockingbird, The Tales of the City series… I could go on and on
    
40. What is your favorite candy?
    Today, it’s Now & Laters. I obviously care little for my dental work.
    
41. Favorite team?
    The only team I ever follow anymore is the Seattle Mariners, and I’m a bit of a fair-weathered fan so I haven’t paid attention to them in a long, long time
    
42. What songs do you want played at your funeral?
    Funny stuff, like from the Simpsons soundtracks.
    
43. What were you doing at 12 AM?
    Party planning
    
44. What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up?
    Shit. Another headache.

Please share your answers in a comment!

July 7: Party guidelines

Invitations to the big 40th birthday bash have been sent out. If you have not received one yet, it was either an oversight or we don’t like you. Feel free to send a gift or four anyway.

Here’s a copy of the invitation, just in case.



If you need directions to our house, please e-mail me (jennifer-at-manullang-dot-com) or Vic (victor-at-manullang-dot-com).

RSVPs are beginning to come in, and I’d like to address some of the questions that have accompanied them because I am concerned. Why do people think April and I throw naughty parties? We are not naughty girls. We are good girls. Oh fine, we’re not good girls, but we’re not the naked party kind of girls either. Anymore.

1. Are kids allowed?
   Yes. We are parents of young children and while we would all love an evening off, this is a time that our kids can get together and cause trouble that we can then blame on other parents. Also, we’ve scared off all babysitters in the area so we don’t really have a choice.
   
2. Is this clothing-optional or what?
   Clothing is not optional at this party for most people. We can tell you at the door if you’ll be asked to perform a slow, seductive strip tease. Most of you can count on arriving dressed, though, and not because we don’t want to see you naked but mostly because we don’t want to see you naked.
   
3. This isn't one of those parties where you have to drop your keys in a goldfish bowl is it?
   I do not know if I should be offended at this question because I’m not sure what it even means. That’s how clueless I am about naughty parties. But either way, the answer is no. I will not be taking anyone’s keys, nor will anyone be allowed to kill our goldfish.

Other assurances:

• We will not be playing “Two Minutes in the Closet.” That got old real fast at our 20th reunion a couple years ago.
  
• We will not be playing “Spin the Bottle.” If any of us tries to sit on the floor, we’re so old we’ll never be able to get up again.
  
• There will be some single people at the party. You might meet someone, you might not.
  
• You will be able to gorge yourself on much delicious food. There will be some adult beverages. There will be kid-friendly grub as well. Birthday cake as far as the eye can see. All guests will be fed and watered sufficiently.
  
• Gifts for me and April, as well as other guests turning 40 this year, are actually not necessary. The party hosts, however—April’s and my husbands—would like to encourage all guests to bring gifts for them and, in fact, have suggested that you must bring them gifts or you will not be fed or watered or entertained in the least. Ignore that advice at your own risk.

I hope that settles all the nudity mysteries for you weirdies. If you have any other questions, please let one of us know and we’ll do our best to provide you a satisfactory answer.

You people scare me a little.

July 4: Why I never want to move

One last post for today and I’m off to bed.

Here’s what I love best about my neighborhood.



We had a joyous party today, with delicious food, good friends, loud fireworks, a mini-parade, and all the other things that make a Fourth of July celebration memorable and fun. Every year at this time we feel so fortunate to have moved onto this street, to live near these people. It’s not just the Sambuca talking, either—they are truly delightful folk.

July 4: One more thing

I am very post-y today.

I started to write about the oh-so-sad death of Jesse Helms but when I checked in at My Two Cents I decided Chris said it as well as I could. So read his post Ding Dong the Bigot is Dead! and pretend I wrote it and praise me for my brilliance and eloquence and spot-on analysis. This guy (Helms, not Chris) was a true jackass, quite possibly the King of Jackassitude.

And Chris, I agree that there’s a special place in Hell waiting for him, but it’s not going to be anywhere near our special place, is it? I mean, I’d like him close enough so we can watch him burn for eternity but not so close that he’ll ruin our fun, please.

July 4: Vindicated

I got this message from The Lovely Lori yesterday:

O.K. I take back everything I said about Zac Efron. I just saw Hairspray for the first time a few days ago and I’m... in love. You were right. I was wrong.

I can’t remember when an e-mail has made me happier, and not just because she admitted I was right because I never really doubted myself. It’s that now I have one less person in the world that will call me a pervert because of my slightly inappropriate thoughts about the very-young-yet-very-dreamy Zac Efron.

July 4: I wail because I ail

Poor Jen. Poor, poor Jen.

Before I go on, I should warn you that this post is a bit delicate/graphic, so feel free not to read it if you have a weak stomach or care nothing about my pain or do not love me in any way whatsoever and by the way, I hate you too.

I had a killer headache yesterday and didn’t get the family room and kitchen painted like I had planned. I was too miserable to be disappointed, though. I spent most the day with a hot pack on my face, which doesn’t make my head feel better, but it helps me sleep and that helps me forget about how much my head hurts. Katie and Jack were still at Grandpa & Grandma’s when Vic got home, so we had a nice pot roast dinner, something at which the kids would have turned up their noses (sadly, my headaches do not usually take away my appetite or this post would be much shorter). I spent most the evening groaning quietly on the couch. Late last night I had just taken a handful of drugs in hopes of getting a decent night’s rest, when I suddenly felt excessive saliva and knew immediately that my body was, well, rejecting the medication. Before I go further—because you surely know what happened next—I will provide a list of euphemisms; whichever is least offensive and/or most humorous is the one you should choose for the rest of my story.

• Puke
  
• Barf
  
• Hurl
  
• Yak
  
• Up-chuck (or the more civilized “Up-Charles”)
  
• Toss cookies
  
• Technicolor yawn
  
• 3-D belch
  
• Shout groceries
  
• Shout at your shoes (this has been my euphemism of choice for years)
  
• Liquid scream
  
• Doing the dinner catch-and-release
  
• Review today’s menu
  
• Download a meal
  
• Gastro geyser
  
• Round-trip meal ticket
  
• Share your inner feelings

Got your favorite? Good. Now, don’t try to demonstrate it for your kids and actually make yourself sick, Sonya.

So, um, I [euphemism]-ed. Victor was concerned but I kept telling him to go away—who wants to watch someone [euphemism]? As soon as I was done [euphemism]-ing and he knew I was fine, he turned into George Costanza: “Well, that was a waste of good beef.”

Unfortunately, the [euphemism]-ing did not make my head any better, and actually made my throat sore. Grrrr... I was able to fall asleep, though, and woke up with a much lighter headache. I have plans to get rid of it completely by this afternoon before our neighborhood festivities begin. I would be very, very sad if I missed out on the neighborhood festivities.

I’ve kinda made myself [euphemism] again just writing about this, and if you’re feeling [euphemism]-y too, I apologize. In an effort to share my life in this blog, however, you are allowed the privilege to experience many things that may have at one time been private matters. Lucky you, huh? (Hey, no one makes you visit manullang.com.) Also, having vented here means I won’t have the urge to share the story with my neighbors during our Fourth of July meal. That could set off a [euphemism]-o-rama the likes of which we’d never forget.

You’re welcome, dear neighbors.

July 4: Happy Holiday

Happy Fourth of July, friends.

Test your Good American-ness by doing this U.S. states puzzle. You gotta start with the Great Lakes and work out from there. It took me a while, but I finished it and even got Wyoming and Colorado in the right places. So, y’know, I sorta kick some geographical and figurative arse. Just don’t ask me to do one of Eastern Europe.

July 3: Thursday Thirteen #3

Time again for Thursday Thirteen. In honor of tomorrow’s holiday, I thought it was a good time to present just a few of my random thoughts about our country.

13 things about being an American

1. Independence Day is one of my favorite holidays because it typically involves meat on a grill, good weather and a lot of people. I do not, however, enjoy the illegal fireworks some Oregonians purchase over in Washington and bring back to my neighborhood.
   
2. Although I think the war is a bad idea, I am in full support of our troops for doing the job they are asked to do.
   
3. As an adult I now realize I didn’t pay enough attention in U.S. history classes in high school and college. It would be embarrassing to confess some of the things I’ve had to look up on the Internet so certain issues make more sense.
   
4. Hearing The Star-Spangled Banner sung at baseball games always makes me teary.
   
5. I like apple pie.
   
6. Seeing the ratty, faded flags people have had on their cars since just after 9/11 makes me angry. If you’re proud enough to wear/display a flag, show some respect for it!
   
7. I hate that so much of the world thinks we Americans are jerks and I hope that can change because some of us are really quite nice.
   
8. I am thankful for U.S. seat belt laws, helmet laws, and the new cell phone laws, even though the fact that they’re laws shows how little common sense people have.
   
9. Red, white and blue are my favorite colors but I don’t wear all three together because that just looks ridiculous.
   
10. It is important to me that my children grow up to be politically open-minded, but I don’t think I’m going to be very good at teaching them to be open to opposing points of view. They already ask why I mute the TV and “make that weird face” whenever George W. Bush speaks.
    
11. I have been to 25 of our 50 states.
    
12. People that don’t vote really piss me off. It is incredibly ignorant.
    
13. U.S. currency is not as colorful or interesting as other countries’ but I still like it, especially when it’s in my pocket.

July 2: As a bee

How can I be so exhausted when it’s only Wednesday? Monday was scary-hectic with work. Yesterday was not quite as hectic but still busily brain-draining. Today we have no “busy” scheduled, but I’ll be driving down I-5 and back, so it will not be relaxing or fun.

Tomorrow the kids are going to the god-forsaken peepee-soaked heckhole Chuck E. Cheese, courtesy of Grandma & Grandpa (the saints). I will be at home, painting the family room and kitchen. I hate the kitchen part because I’m too tall to stand on the counter and paint, but the chair’s too short to get up high enough. It’s either bend-painfully or reach-painfully. So while tomorrow’s to-do list is not long, it is still going to make me a surly wench. I apologize in advance.

Friday? Ah, Friday. A holiday. A day we will spend with family and friends and flowing adult beverages and lots of loveliness like that. Fourth of July is super-fun in these parts, until the illegal fireworks come out and—oops!—someone burns down the neighborhood. That is usually my least favorite part.