Apr. 8: Vehicle vex

I’m having a car crisis. The lease on my Passat is up this month and it’s time to decide what to do. These are my options:

• Keep the Passat (pay residual)
  
• Lease another VW
  
• Buy a good car

And here are the reasons this is a crisis…

Keep the Passat

I love this car; it’s probably my favorite so far. Besides the simple fact that it’s a VW, it’s roomy, the interior is perfect for kids and dogs (practical vinyl-y upholstery they said “is just like leather!” but only a blind person would think so, although it’s certainly better than the stuff that was in our Ford Granada 30 years ago), and the trunk is huge. The reason I may not want to keep it is that it’s dark blue and impossible to keep clean. Also, it’s four years old. But most of all, I fear owning a VW again because they are not the most reliable cars in the long term. This Passat is the least glitchy VW we’ve had but I fully expect the serious problems to kick in any day now. I’m leaning heavily toward turning it back in.

Lease another VW

So far I haven’t found a car that’s as fun to drive as a VW. I love the way Volkswagens handle, the way they seem to hug the road. They’ve got good safety ratings. I don’t love the new models, but they’re alright. I would probably downsize to a Jetta or maybe even a Rabbit. Although I have enjoyed the Passat, it’s probably more car than I need and is more $$ than I should spend again. The reason leasing another VW might not be a good idea is for the simple fact that it’s a lease. Personally, I totally agree with the advertising about leases (when you lease, you can get a new car at the end of the term; when you buy, you have an old car at the end of the term!), but I realize there are some benefits of owning. Like eventually the car is paid for and you no longer have monthly payments. Heh heh. That’s kind of a big one; probably the only one. But [in whiny voice] I like new cars. And I hate selling used cars. Hate hate hate. [end whiny voice]

Buy a good car

If we were to turn in the Passat and purchase a car, it would probably be a Camry or Accord or Civic; something that’s proven reliable in the long term and with good resale value. This is what Vic would do if I would just keep my big fat mouth shut. The thing is, I’m not a huge fan of those cars. I know they’re among the best in my price range and I definitely like the looks of them but they’re just. So. Boring. Not fun to drive (to me). Not zippy. On the other hand, the idea of eventually having no car payments sounds awfully appealing. And not having to pour money into repairs that are virtually inevitable with a VW… not bad either.

So it would appear I need some advice. Here are my criteria:

• A sedan or small SUV meets my needs
  
• I hate wagons
  
• I don’t want to drive a minivan
  
• Decent gas mileage
  
• Good safety ratings
  
• Totally fun to drive
  
• Did I mention that I really would like another VW?

Apr. 8: Happy birthday, Martin

Hey. You. Yeah, you. Martin.

Have a great day today! I think you might be older than anyone I know. Yikes. Be careful, okay? One misstep equals a broken hip, quicker than you can say, "Who left that sidewalk right where I could trip on it?"

Apr. 7: Hey, I'm a geek like me!

It's possible that only a geek like me can find a few chuckles in an icon war. And if so, then all you non-geeks can go do whatever it is you do that makes you a non-geek and therefore better than me. (But come back--I promise to post a crappy 80's video soon!)

Apr. 4: Typeity type type

I definitely inherited my mom's quick typing skills. (Thanks, Mom!) I got 91 words per minute on this test. Try it out and report your results. I promise not to make too much fun of your slowpokedness.

Typing test

You know I'm joking, of course. I will totally make fun of your slowpokedness. Don't you know me at all???

Apr. 4: Happy birthday, Deanna!

Happy birthday to The Lovely Deanna, who celebrates a major milestone today. Congratulations! I hope all your best wishes come true, or at least you get to eat some cake.

Many lovies from one of your biggest admirers--

Apr. 3: To pee or not to pee

Synonyms for urinate:

pee
piddle
piss
spend a penny (what the hell?)
take a leak
wee-wee
whiz

Last weekend we picked Scout and Casey up after a week in the doggie spa and were so happy to see them that they both got a handful of treats when they got home. Casey settled in for some cuddles while Scout asked to go outside right away and wanted more treats when she came back in. A few minutes later she wanted to go out again. And then again. It was like Grandma Mary was here (but-cept no one was doing our laundry or paying attention to our kids). It didn’t take long for us to be not-so-happy to see Scout anymore.

That night she did something she’s never done in her almost-11 years: she peed in her crate. That’s when we knew something was wrong with her. I was freaked out. She’s shown she’s becoming an old dog but—so far—not in ways that require diapering her. I did some searching on the ‘net and it sounded possible that she might have a urinary tract infection. I crossed my fingers and called the vet Monday morning. They asked me to bring her in that afternoon, “with a sample, if possible.”

A sample? Of Scout’s pee? Oh lord.

The whole time I was at work on Monday I was wondering how on earth I was going to get a sample of my dog’s pee for the vet. I could pour out the crate... but no, we’d already cleaned it out six times. I could bring in a piece of the base trim she defiled in her puppy years... but it probably needed to be new-ish pee. Again, I say: oh lord.

I grabbed a Dixie cup, started to follow Scout outside and then re-considered. I should use something that can be closed. Let’s see... I paid too much for that Tupperware to use it for piss storage. And a Zip-loc bag is probably too messy. Then I remembered the cup the urologist told Vic to bring back after he had his throat cut (Curt Saltmarsh code for “vasectomy”). It still had its sterile sticker on it. I popped that sucker open and Scout and I trotted to the backyard for a quick leak.

Her expression when she saw me crawling on the grass behind her was one of surprise and playfulness. But her bladder was full and there was no time for that now. I kept close behind her and she started to look annoyed, then downright pissed. (Ha ha! See what I did there? I used the word I’ve been using as a noun or verb and used it as an adjective and it totally works! Ha ha!)

She finally ignored me and crouched. I was right under her with the cup. It was a piece of cake! (Figuratively, not literally.)

I was so proud of myself to have gotten Scout’s whiz that I didn’t care she peed a little on my hand too. I screwed the cup lid on, washed my hands six times, and we were off to the vet. I was so proud to hand over that paper bag to the nurse, but that woman was not one bit impressed. I think it’s so many kinds of wrong that I don’t get a prize for my grand slam. I’m guessing that might be why Vic never returned a sample of HIS stuff to the urologist. (Ha ha! See what I did there? I likened Vic’s post-vasectomy sample—which is definitely not pee—to a “grand slam” and it totally works! Ha ha!)

Scout has a urinary tract infection, just as the Internet predicted, because the Internet is never wrong. And even after just a couple days on antibiotics, she’s like a brand new dog. So she gets her medication in peanut butter for the next two weeks and then I get to bring in a new sample. I can hardly wait.

Oh geez. I need another cup.

Apr. 2: I am sooo blah

This highly scientific quiz was stolen from Chris:

You Are 90% "Average American"

You are average because you drink on occasion. You are not average since you have (at least) a college degree. How "Average American" Are You?

How average are you?

Apr. 2: Diplomaed? Meh.

Kath, you’ll enjoy this.

I just overheard Katie describing to her friend who her cousin Julianne is. “She’s my Grandma Kiyomi’s oldest grandchild. But she’s not my oldest cousin. My oooooldest cousin is Sean. He even already graduated! And Stephen is his brother—he’s the funny one.”

Despite the valedictorian statuses of BOTH my nephews at their high school graduation ceremonies, Katie thinks giving her the giggles is more impressive than any scholastic achievements. That’s my girl!

(…though I think I’d like to see that preference shift a teence before she takes her SATs…)

Apr. 2: PC-speak

Thanks to Sally for forwarding this excellent reminder to me. We all have so much to learn, don’t we?

---

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America, Alabamians, Georgians, Kentuckians, Tennesseans, South Carolinians, and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as “hillbillies.” You must now refer them as Appalachian-Americans. And furthermore...

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT

1. She is not a “babe” or a “chick” —
   she is a “breasted American.”
   
2. She is not a “screamer” or a “moaner” —
   she is “vocally appreciative.”
   
3. She is not “easy” —
   she is “horizontally accessible.”
   
4. She is not a “dumb blonde” —
   she is a “light-haired detour off the information superhighway.”
   
5. She has not “been around” —
   she is a “previously-enjoyed companion.”
   
6. She is not an “airhead” —
   she is “reality impaired.”
   
7. She does not get “drunk” or “tipsy” —
   she gets “chemically inconvenienced.”
   
8. She does not have “breast implants” —
   she is “medically enhanced.”
   
9. She does not “nag” you —
   she becomes “verbally repetitive.”
   
10. She is not a “tramp” —
    she is “sexually extroverted.”
    
11. She does not have “major league hooters” —
    she is “pectorally superior.”
    
12. She is not a “two-bit hooker” —
    she is a “low cost provider.”

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT

1. He does not have a “beer gut” —
   he has developed a “liquid grain storage facility.”
   
2. He is not a “bad dancer” —
   he is “overly Caucasian.”
   
3. He does not “get lost all the time” —
   he “investigates alternative destinations.”
   
4. He is not “balding” —
   he is experiencing “follicle regression.”
   
5. He is not a “cradle robber” —
   he prefers “generational differential relationships.”
   
6. He does not get “falling-down drunk” —
   he becomes “accidentally horizontal.”
   
7. He does not act like a “total ass” —
   he has developed a case of “rectal-cranial inversion.”
   
8. He is not a “male chauvinist pig” —
   he has “swine empathy.”
   
9. He is not afraid of “commitment” —
   he is “relationship challenged.”
   
10. He is not “horny” —
    he is “sexually focused.”
    
11. It’s not his “crack” you see hanging out of his pants —
    it’s “rear cleavage.”

Please use your best judgment when referring to these people, so as to make it more comfortable for the rest of us.

---

Apr. 1: It simply cannot be!

I loved Hal Sparks as the host of Talk Soup. I didn’t know anything about him before that show, but I developed a “thing” for him immediately. Why? Well, for starters, he’s adorable. Dur. But mostly, because I love his sense of humor. It seemed like he did lots of jokes about how he wore leg warmers every day in high school and that might possibly be why he got teased.

When he left Talk Soup and went on to Queer As Folk, Ed said I would probably like him on that show. I have yet to see a single episode of Queer As Folk, for which I am profoundly ashamed. Ed usually has pretty good taste in TV and movies, so I trust his recommendations. I need to get the DVDs. Not that I need any more reason to love Hal Sparks.

But then I saw this recent photo of my dear Hal, and I realized that my love for him may have some conditions, like bathing and lice removal. I just pray to Bob that he was having a really, really, really bad day, because seeing him looking like this made me die a little inside. And also, because at first glance I thought he was Gene Simmons. Yikes.