Sept. 19: Happy "Talk Like a Pirate Day"

In honor of National Talk Like a Pirate Day, here are some sorta funny pirate jokes.

1. A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's wheel sticking out of his pants. The bartender says, "Hey, there's a ship's wheel sticking out of your pants, what's up with that?" The pirate replies, "Arrr, it's driving me nuts!"
   
2. Long ago lived a seaman named Captain Bravo. He was a manly man who showed no fear in facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the seven seas, a look-out spotted a pirate ship and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravo bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" The first mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt and whilst wearing the bright red frock he led his men into battle and defeated the pirates. Later on that day, the look-out spotted not one, but two pirate ships. The captain again called for his red shirt and once again, though the fighting was fierce, he was victorious over the two ships. That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day's triumphs and one of the them asked the captain, "Sir, why do you call for your red shirt before battle?" The captain replied, "If I am wounded in the attack, the shirt will not show my blood and thus, you men will continue to fight, unafraid." All of the men sat in silence and marveled at the courage of such a manly man as Captain Bravo. As dawn came the next morning, the look-out spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirates ships approaching from the far horizon. The crew stared at the captain and waited for his usual reply. Captain Bravo calmly shouted, "Get me my brown pants!"


3. What is a pirate's best feature?
   His booty.
   
4. Did you hear about the new pirate movie?
   It's rated Arrrrr!
   
5. What kind o' socks does a pirate wear?
   Arrrrgyle!
   
6. What's the problem with the way a pirate speaks?
   Arrrrticulation!
   
7. What's a pirate's favorite color?
   Depends on the pirate.

Try out this cool English-to-Pirate Translator.

Sept. 17: Scattered thoughts

Here are a few things I feel the need to share with you. Thank me for my generosity by leaving a comment, mmkay?

• You may have noticed the "DCL cruising tips" link on the manullang.com home page. It's there for the good people of the DISboards. It is not for Ed. It also does not say "DCL cursing tips," though it would if Ed had my FTP password.
• I saw "Wicked" here in Portland last week. It was fabulous. Shoshana Bean and Megan Hilty were really quite wonderful. They are not Idina & Kristin, but they were very, very good. That Shoshana can really belt--goose bumps! The tour heads to a sold-out engagement in Seattle this week. There's going to be an open-ended production in L.A. soon, as well as London. Chicago opened theirs last year. It's everywhere, OK? So if you get a chance to see this musical, go. You won't be sorry. I probably said that after I saw it last year, but I meant it then and I mean it now.
• Katie has started first grade. I know, I also cannot believe it. She loves her teacher, her classmates, riding the bus, eating hot lunches, and recess (dur!). After just two weeks she's already picked up some undesirable habits--the 'tude is starting to develop--so I'm going to try to remember every single hug, kiss, and "I love you, Mom!" now, because when she starts hating me I'll long for these sweet Katie days.
• I can't stand the Doodlebops. I mean, I really, truly despise them. I honestly do not get what they are or why they exist. If you can explain it to me, please do.
• We have scheduled yet another Disney vacation. Our next trip will be to Disneyland for Jack's birthday. Then, in case you missed the news a few posts ago, Vic and I are going on a Disney cruise in February. You'd think so many Disney vacations in such a short time would be Disney overload. But you'd be wrong.
• My adorable niece Erin--who technically is no longer my niece, but I'm keeping her anyway--got married last weekend. She was a beautiful bride. Her husband is a big dork, hence their perfection for each other.
• Speaking of Erin & Kevin's wedding, my ex-stepfather was there, as he's the bride's grandfather. He was with his new wife. Yes, you read that right. He has another wife already. Apparently when you start searching for #3 while you're still married to #2, you can save a lot of crucial time. In anticipation of seeing the clueless wonder, I had these statements at the ready: "How do you get your pants on with walnuts that big?" and "Oh, so this is your new wife? Wow... I've never met a whore in real life before!" and "Did you know there's an extra hot place in Hell for adulterous missionaries? Better stock up on Popsicles." Alas, I have neither the walnuts nor the immaturity to actually deliver said witticisms. I made a smirk in his general direction but otherwise had no contact. My shrink says I should be proud of my restraint, but there's a very big part of me that will always wish I'd let it all go in a blaze of glory.
• I could spend hours at Wikipedia. No web site should be that addictive. I used to ask Jeeves my important questions, but no more. Wikipedia holds all the answers.
• I have new living room furniture being delivered Tuesday. It's pretty. And red. I hope this necessitates painting and much re-decorating. I love painting. And re-decorating. Vic does not love painting, but he's always helpful. He does not love re-decorating, so I hope my mom is going to visit soon.
• We cleaned out our garage. I know, I also cannot believe it. Six Goodwill loads and a dumpster later, well, I never thought a cement floor would make me get teary, but it's an amazing sight. And now there's pa-lenty of room for my OLD living room furniture. :)
• Did I mention we're going on a cruise?
• The Happy Valley/Clackamas may not seem like the place to go for good Chinese food, but there's a new-ish restaurant out here that has THE best hot and sour soup. Also a Thai place that is fantastic-0. But otherwise it's standard chain restaurants as far as the eye can see. And with all the remodeling being done at the mall right now, you can expect a lot more of the same. Meh.
• Sometimes I write stuff here that no one in the world could possibly care about. I'm sorry for that.
• I got a pair of Crocs Caymans. Yes, they're hideous. But they are also comfortable, unbelievably so. Crocs recently announced an agreement to make shoes for Disney (Mickey ear-shaped holes, princess themed, pirate themed, etc.), and I think the only way I can resist is if they're absolutely god-awful wretched. And I've seen the kids' Mickey ones and they're waaaay cute. Curses!
• Living with three wonderful dogs is great. Living with three wonderful dogs that hate each other is stressful. At least when Katie and Jack fight I can be pretty sure that when the dust clears no one will have lost a limb.
• I'm more than a little embarrassed to admit I sometimes want to take a magazine to Katie's soccer games.
• My sister is, like, friends with her gynecologist. What's up with that?
• I love (most of) our neighbors. We had several nights this summer where lots of families were gathered outside, kids were running everywhere, parents were lighting Sambuca shots and fireworks, and overall just having big fun. We moved out to the suburbs to find a neighborhood like this, and we feel very lucky. I just wish my favorites (the Paulsens) hadn't left. Oh, and our next-door neighbors' house just sold so we're crossing our fingers the new people will be civilized. Anyway, summertime is always a good reminder of how much we like where we live. Now we're all headed inside to hunker down for the winter months, and won't see each other until spring.
• My grandmother can be a real meanie.
• I can hardly wait until the season premiere of "The Office" on Thursday. There are a surprising number of new shows that look like they could be worth watching. Thank goodness for two TiVos!
• Marvelous news: The Portland IKEA is on its way. The most recent press release says the store will open in Summer 2007. Katie and Jack are as excited as I am--they love the ball pit at the Renton store. But shhhhh... don't tell... they'll both be too old for it by the time the store opens.
• I'm pretty sure I would make a very good very wealthy person.

This nonsense has got to stop. Toodles...
--j.

Aug. 26: Living with red pandas

Having a rotten day? Here's a lift: visit Cute Overload. Though most of the cuteness is in photo form, this video is a great example of the goodies you can find there. (The panda's expression after the head-butt is priceless!)


credit: Get this video and more at MySpace.com

j.

Aug. 26: Mother of the Year

I must be a terrible mother. I make my children light their own cigarettes, unlike Melanie Griffith here. It's nice that she doesn't let her 17-year-old daughter play with fire. Cuz that's dangerous.

Also, I don't dress like a whore. Or an Olsen twin.

j.

Aug. 24: News item from The Onion

New 'Baby Weinstein' Tapes Prepare Infants For Career In Entertainment Law
August 24, 2006 Issue 42•34

LOS ANGELES—Zazz! Entertainment, Inc. announced Monday that sales of their Baby Weinstein series of children's DVDs, CDs, and videotapes designed to inspire children under the age of 3 to pursue careers in entertainment law reached their 3-million mark. "We're proud to be the only multimedia company featuring colorful imagery of kids pre-verbally arguing their own contracts, playing with the building blocks of major franchises, and refusing to be seen on the screen with competing babies," company founder and producer Josh Noah Levy said. "And we're currently going to court to make sure we remain the only people doing that." Despite the success of such titles as Baby Spielberg and Baby Ovitz, production halted in July after several babies made what Levy called unreasonable demands for their mommies.

The Onion

Aug. 11: A letter to the good people at Tide

And now, for your enjoyment, a chuckle-worthy e-mail forward I felt was worth sharing:

Dear Tide,

I'm writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all through my married life, as my mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties, I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to berate me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse. I tried to get the stain out using a bargain detergent, but it just wouldn't come out.

After a quick trip to the supermarket, I purchased a bottle of liquid Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I would no longer be considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband. What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect!

I thank you, once again, for having such a great product. Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people.

Regards-

Aug. 7: Bon voyage

Girl, you know it's true. Vic and I just decided on our tenth anniversary plans--we'll be going on a Disney cruise! This one will be kid-free.***

If you've been paying attention, you'll remember that we went on a Disney cruise in the Eastern Caribbean in April 2003 (trip report here). On this next trip we'll be on their Western itinerary (Key West, Grand Cayman, Cozumel, Castaway Cay).

And to my ever-optimistic sister, please refrain from mentioning the Titanic or Poseidon Adventure or Jaws or Davy Jones' pet kraken for the next few months, mmkay? Thanks.

More later.

--Jen
***And most definitely chock-ful o' guilt. (Are parents allowed to enjoy Disney vacations without their children???)

Aug. 3: You are now chatting with God

I just found this site that I have to share. It's iGod, and it's hilarious. I asked, "What do you do for fun?" and the response was "Random natural disasters." So it's true!

Bye for now... I need to get back to iGod with my very long list of questions. The guy's got some 'splainin to do.

J.

July 30: A birthday for my first husband

Happy birthday to Victor! He celebrated #42 yesterday by looking at his new mountain bike and trying to get Jack to eat lasagna. What, you can think of a better way to enjoy one's birthday? He and Daryl will have a "real" party next weekend when more of the family is around.

I have a lot to catch up on, but no time to write. But this morning I was reading old blog entries and came across the one about phrases we never thought we'd have to speak. It reminded me of one from Jack's last day of school, when we moms were watching the kids wade through the creek at Happy Valley Park. Several times we actually said, "Please stop poking the dead bunny with the stick!" Yikes.

Also, I just want to say that I think Kraft Macaroni & Cheese is the most perfect food ever created. I've thought so my whole life, and I wanted you to know.

More later, maybe.

--J.

P.S. Happy birthday to my seester tomorrow!

June 7: Remembering Dad

Today is the first anniversary of my dad's death. You're probably thinking you can't believe it was just a year ago, but be assured that the time has done anything but fly for me and Kathy. Even though we've had some really wonderful things happen in the past year, so much of it is overshadowed by the sadness of being unable to share them with Dad. He loved hearing about our projects around the house, traveling, his grandchildren's accomplishments, and so many other things about our busy-ness. There is still such a void without him here.

I've been trying to decide the best way to comemmorate today. I thought about planting a tree in honor of Dad, but for a number of reasons it just doesn't seem like the right thing (besides the fact that he'd forever be pointing down--or up???--at me complaining that I don't weed around it often enough). There hasn't been anything that's hit me as The Perfect Thing. Then this morning I had an epiphany: I'll spend the day, not as Dad would WANT me to, but as HE would've done. So here's what I'll do:

1. Start the day with coffee at Shari's
   
2. Love the New York Yankees, hate all other baseball teams, and fall asleep while watching them play
   
3. Be cruel to service people for no good reason
   
4. Answer the phone, "Number 72"
   
5. Have a really stupid accident that causes me to break at least one bone in my body (OK, I admit it ... I'd be doing this anyway)
   
6. Accuse chestnuts of being lazy (no, wait... that's what I would do if Dr. Evil were my father)
   
7. Be a Republican (don't worry, I'm not insane, and I'm also not voting, so one day on the dark side won't kill my Democratic Agenda)
   
8. Drive down I-5 with a Big Mac in each hand
   
9. Throw a few expressions into conversation, like "In a pig's eye..." and "Y'know, there's something to that..."
   
10. Tell my family that I love them

Kathy and I paraphrased a few lines from "For Good" (from the Broadway musical "Wicked") for a tribute to Dad that was published in today's Oregonian. If you didn't see it, here's what it looked like.

And if you don't mind indulging a couple of adoring daughters, here are some of our favorite pictures of our dad.

Thanksgiving weekend 1981

Dad teaching Kathy how to use her camera (Jen is unimpressed), 1971

Las Vegas 1998: Jen rubbing Dad's belly for good luck

Daddy meeting Kathy, 19xx (you're welcome, Kath!)

Grandpa meeting Sean, 1987

Yikes! Easter 1973

Katie cuddling with Grandpa Curt, 2003

The Butterfly Kisses moment, 1997

Dad at Crater Lake, 1960ish

Though a year having gone by has dulled the shock of our loss, we still miss him every day. I hate that he's missed out on big events like Stephen's high school graduation. I know he would've loved to hear the details about my 20th high school reunion. He would've wanted to see pictures of Katrina effects from Kathy's trip to the southern U.S. He would have been so proud to have Katie sit in his lap and read her storybooks to him. It's so unfair that he's not here to enjoy these things.

Dad was a funny guy, and had a great appreciation for things that gave him belly laughs. We'll never forget that part of who he was, and that's why we have chosen to remember him today in a way he would've enjoyed: hearing his daughters make fun of him. In no way do we mean to be irreverent; quite honestly, when he died I think a part of me broke inside. But it was humor that always connected the three of us together. And nowadays it's humor that gets me and Kath out of crybaby mode into laughing so hard stuff flies out our noses. (Feel free not to enjoy that image too much.)

Jen