Oct. 25: X-ray vision, the sequel

I got my eyes fried again. My LASIK enhancement was last Friday, and I could see better almost immediately. Five days later, my vision is still great, even while reading. We'll see how things end up once it has all stabilized. Before my first surgery I was -9, and ultimately ended up a -3. Obviously there was a lot less correction to be done this time. Keep your fingers crossed! Mostly, I just really don't want to go through the surgery again. It's quick and completely painless but the smell of the laser burning through one's eyeballs is --shudders-- revolting.

Never been much of a Rush Limbaugh fan. I avoid stories with his name in the headline (although I greatly enjoyed the one about him being detained at an airport for being caught with a big stash of Viagra!). But this story, in which he makes fun of Michael J. Fox's Parkinson's disease, proves he has reached the same level of JACKASS-itude as Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell.

I think Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip is a great show. I've never regularly watched one of Aaron Sorkin's productions, but I'm finally seeing why they've been so popular. Other season passes on our TiVo right now: The Office, My Name is Earl, The Simpsons, The New Adventures of Old Christine, CSI, CSI: Miami. Shows I'm not yet sold on: Six Degrees (I do enjoy seeing Campbell Scott every week), 30 Rock (love Tina Fey, Alec Baldwin is hilarious in this), The Class (trying awfully hard, and not quite there).

The last movie I saw in a theater was Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest. When it comes to the cinema, it's depressing to be me.

I added a few Simpsons quotes to the "Click here for chuckles" link on our home page. Check 'em out.

One of Katie's top front teeth fell out yesterday. I'm hoping the other one will start loosening soon, because right now she looks like she lost a boxing match. She is completely thrilled about it, though, and her little brother is trying not to show how jealous he is. Sorta cute.

Daryl and Sally went to a Doodlebops show. I think they took Presley too. I haven't heard how they liked it (possibly because they have not yet recovered), but Sally said she was pretty excited because she knows every word to every one of their songs. YES, I know she was kidding. She's not a nutjob. Anyway, if this doesn't get them the Mom & Dad of the Year award, I don't know what will. Hey guys, ya want the Aunt & Uncle of the Year award too? Cuz Katie and Jack would love to see the Doodlebops in concert, and we aren't ever going to take them.

We're having a Halloween party for the neighbors on Sunday. I've been putting together a playlist of Halloween music, and I just have to share it with y'all because it took me a very long time to find everything. The criteria: scary-sounding music or scary-sounding song title or dark theme or Halloween-y (costumes, candy, tricks and treats) or dark arts kind o' stuff, etc. Pretty much anything you would've been forced to throw into a bonfire if you went to an Adventist boarding academy in the 70's and early 80's (right, Lori & Kath & Martin?). Here ya go:

• Spooky (Dusty Springfield or Santana)
  
• You Can Do Magic (America)
  
• Love Song for a Vampire (Annie Lennox)
  
• Bad Moon Rising (CCR)
  
• Stayin' Alive (BeeGees)
  
• Bewitched TV show theme
  
• In the Midnight Hour (Billy Idol)
  
• Only the Good Die Young (Billy Joel)
  
• Wanted Dead or Alive (Bon Jovi)
  
• I Want Candy (Bow Wow Wow)
  
• The Devil Went Down to Georgia (Charlie Daniels Band or Johnny Cash)
  
• Freak Out (Le Chic)
  
• Ding Dong the Witch is Dead (from The Wizard of Oz)
  
• Do You Believe in Magic (Shaun Cassidy--heh heh--or The Lovin' Spoonful)
  
• She's Freaky (Pitbull)
  
• Spirit in the Sky (The Eagles or Norman Greenbaum or Nitty Gritty Dirt Band)
  
• Devil in Disguise (Elvis Presley)
  
• That Old Black Magic (Frank Sinatra)
  
• Midnight Train to Georgia (Gladys Knight & the Pips)
  
• I Will Survive (Gloria Gaynor)
  
• Crazy (Gnarls Barkley)
  
• Knockin' on Heaven's Door (Guns 'n Roses)
  
• I'm Your Boogie Man (K.C. & the Sunshine Band)
  
• Beetlejuice theme (Danny Elfman)
  
• Munsters TV show theme
  
• Supernatural (Raven)
  
• The World is a Vampire (Smashing Pumpkins)
  
• Addams Family TV/movie theme
  
• One-Eyed, One-Horned Flying Purple People Eater (Dr. Demento)
  
• I Just Died in Your Arms Tonight (Cutting Crew)
  
• Jaws movie music
  
• Stairway to Heaven (Led Zeppelin)
  
• Dead Man's Curve (Jan & Dean)
  
• Devil with a Blue Dress (Little Richard)
  
• Little Shop of Horrors theme
  
• Die Another Day (Madonna)
  
• Men in Black (Will Smith)
  
• Thriller (Michael Jackson)
  
• Sugar Sugar (The Archies)
  
• Love Potion #9 (The Drifters)
  
• Monster Mash (Big Bopper)
  
• I Put a Spell on You (Nina Simone or Ray Charles or CCR)
  
• Magic (Olivia Newton John)
  
• Friend of the Devil (Counting Crows)
  
• Ooogie Boogie Song (Danny Elfman, from Nightmare Before Christmas)
  
• Psycho movie music
  
• Vampire Heart (HIM--funniest drummer name: Gas Lipstick)
  
• Crazy (Patsy Cline)
  
• Live & Let Die (Paul McCartney & Wings)
  
• Candy Girl (Jackson 5)
  
• Toccata & Fugue in D (Bach, used in Phantom of the Opera and every creepy movie ever made)
  
• Let's Go Crazy (Prince)
  
• Some Call it Magic (Raven)
  
• Witch Doctor (Ray Stevens)
  
• Superfreak (Rick James)
  
• Somebody's Watchin' Me (Rockwell & Michael Jackson)
  
• This Magic Moment (Roy Orbison)
  
• The Candy Man (Sammy Davis, Jr.)
  
• King Tut (Steve Martin)
  
• Strangers in the Night (Frank Sinatra)
  
• Tainted Love (Soft Cell)
  
• Magic (The Cars)
  
• The X-Files TV show theme
  
• Ghostbusters (Ray Parker, Jr.)
  
• They're Coming to Take me Away, Ha Ha (Dr. Demento)
  
• Get Your Freak On (Missy Elliott)
  
• Very Superstitious (Stevie Wonder)
  
• Weird Science (Oingo Boingo)
  
• Go Away Little Girl (Donny Osmond)
  
• Witchy Woman (The Eagles)
  
• YMCA (The Village People--best costumes EVAR!)
  
• Nightmare on My Street (DJ Jazzy Jeff & the Fresh Prince)
  
• Halloween (Dave Matthews Band)
  
• Jeepers Creepers (Billie Holiday)
  
• Suspicious Minds (Elvis Presley)
  

Yes, this is a very strange combination of music styles and no, some of these songs will not make it into the final playlist. And I may just set the mp3 player to play "random" because then no one can make fun of me. Right? No one will ever make fun of me...

Of course, a mention of the Smashing Pumpkins reminded me of one of my favorite Simpsons quotes. This is during Homerpalooza, or something like that, when Homer first meets them:

Billy Corgan: "Billy Corgan, 'Smashing Pumpkins'."
Homer Simpson: "Homer Simpson, smiling politely."

Gwen is coming for a visit! Aren't you jealous?

--Jen

Oct. 19: I'm the Diet Coke of evil

I'll bet you thought I was a villainous wench, didn't you? But according to this highly scientific quiz, I'm only 33 percent evil. Now, is that really that bad? I mean, we all have our days, right? Take the quiz yourself, and let me know what your results were. 'Specially you, Martin.

How evil are you? (The quiz starts about halfway down the page)

By the way, happy Halloween! Here's an animated image to celebrate the season, cuz I know ya loves 'em.

Happy birthday, Ron!

Oct. 14: It's all in your perspective

You might have heard me say before that the one reason I enjoy shopping at Wal-Mart is that my self-esteem is raised about a thousand points. It's not that I think I'm better than the other shoppers, but I do take a little more time preparing to walk out my front door. I usually don't leave home without taking a quick peek in the mirror, my clothes are mostly clean and not hole-y, and my children don't call me "Ma." Or as Vic says, "Oh, you think you're sooooo good, just because you're wearing shoes AND a bra!"

Yes, that's an awfully long explanation to introduce today's funny graphic.

Oh, but that's not all! I will pay one meeeelion dollars* to anyone who can find an actual doorbell like this one.

I had two dreams last night. In one, I forgot to tell my hairdresser to give me bangs. In the other one, Vic got off a weird carnival ride and his hair was so windblown and bouffant, he looked just like one of his aunts. I call my dreams "imaginative," but I think the medical diagnosis is "cuckoo."

Many lovies--

Jen

*Yeah, right. Don't you think if I had a meeeelion dollars that I'd find the dang doorbell myself??? Or maybe having all that money, maybe I could buy myself a little good taste...

Oct. 10: Gotta getta skidmark

Oh my word.

This is real, folks. It's a "brief safe," and it's the latest in security. Here's what the web site (Shomer-Tec) says (punctuation and spelling errors are theirs!): "The "Brief Safe" is an innovative diversion safe that can secure your cash, documents, and other small valuables from inquisitive eyes and thieving hands, both at home and when you're traveling. Items can be hidden right under their noses with these specially-designed briefs which contain a fly-accessed 4" x 10" secret compartment with Velcro closure and "special markings" on the lower rear portion. Leave the "Brief Safe" in plain view in your laundry basket or washing machine at home, or in your suitcase in a hotel room - even the most hardened burgler or most curious snoop will "skid" to a screeching halt as soon as they see them. (Wouldn't you?) Made in USA. One size. Color: white (and brown). To add realistic smell, check out "Doo Drops" on Page 65."

I especially love that last sentence, so I searched for "doo drops" at Shomer-Tec and found this: "These "special ingredients" are just what you may need in some "special situations". Manufactured under contract by DSG Laboratories to fulfill the occasional unusual operational requirement of CIA and other federal agents, these products are now available for non-governmental sale. Use only with utmost discretion. Doo Drops look and smell just like real diarrhea. Many useful applications, all of which will be left to your imagination. It's just like a tube of explosive diarrhea, except silent for stealth deployments. It comes in a handy dropper-top squeeze dispenser for rapid, realistic applications. All-natural. SMELLS LIKE CRAP."

You wouldn't think a last sentence in a product description could get any better than the one for the Brief Safe, but then you read the Doo Drops description, hm? This is one of the best things I've seen in a long, long time.

--Jen

Oct. 9: got pearls?

Here's a web site that has some very pretty jewelry. And what's even better, if I tell you about it, I get a free pair of pearl earrings. Click the "buy pearls" link below to visit their site. If you put a link to it on your blog then you can get free earrings too.

Oh, by the way... you're welcome. (must read in "Nick Burns, Your Company's Computer Guy" voice)

And hey, speaking of pearls--or treasures, anyway--Debi sent some new pictures of Gwen and one of Dorothy Frances.

--Jen

Oct. 7: Yo, I know pi to a thousand places

Normally I'm not one to ask, "Have you seen the latest Weird Al video?" But I must make an exception here. The song, "White and Nerdy," is pretty funny, but it's the backup dancer that makes this worth watching. YES, it's who you think it is!

Oct. 6: Boys are icky

OK, here's the situation. Victor has just gotten home after a long day of work. He starts changing out of his scrubs, and while talking to me, actually stops for a second to smell his socks before tossing them into the hamper. This happens at least five days a week. And it's been going on for at least the almost ten years that we've been married. I don't understand it. Does he think that one day his socks won't stink? That he might just put them back in his drawer? Or maybe he simply enjoys foot odor. After all, he does love to eat natto, and we all know that stuff smells like body parts that haven't been washed in a long, long time.

If you have any ideas why that dude I married has such a beastly habit, please share.

Last night we saw the second show in this season's Broadway in Portland series, "Sweet Charity." I tell ya, there was a day I woulda been thrilled to see Molly Ringwald in a stage show, but I honestly wasn't all that impressed with her performance last night. I guess 20 years ago I was blind to her inability to act. The music was fun, and the choreography was impressive. Maybe the fact that this show came so soon after "Wicked" is what was disappointing.

There's an adorable new Presley pic on the Daryl-Sally-Presley page. Is she the cutest thing ever, or what?

Today's web site is a good'n: Here's a service that will call in sick for you. Go ahead, sleep in! Call-in-sick.

Oct. 2: I see the moon and the moon sees me

I followed a link from Ask Yahoo! today and found this. I simply don't know what to say. The Mooning of Amtrak. I do, however, know where I'm going to be on July 14, 2007.

Here's an appropriate costume for this event... or ANY event, really... I mean, when wouldn't you want to wear unders with built-in cheeks?

Ahhhh. Stuff makes me laugh.

So, in keeping with both the theme of this post, and the new season that is upon us, enjoy this image:

Sept. 29: I Report for CNN

If you know what's good for you, you love Jon Stewart like I do. Although I was a fan long before he took over The Daily Show, I appreciate him even more now for his completely (and unapologetically) biased news reporting. This video is not one of his political pieces, but it's pretty funny nonetheless... and even funnier that CNN published it on their web site.

Jon Stewart: I Report for CNN.

I love you more than a brow wax.

Jen

Sept. 20: per‧spi‧ca‧cious‧ness

Hello, good people. Today's web site is thesaurus.com. And that means today's word is a big one: perspicaciousness. Can I use it in a sentence? Sure. "Today's word is perspicaciousness." You're welcome.

• Ask not for whom the bell tolls. Let the machine get it.
  
• A friend in need is a pest indeed
  
• He who laughs last thinks slowest
  
• Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
  
• Who cares if it's wrong? Them raccoons make good hats.
  
• If a problem has a single neck, it has a simple solution
  
• A Nobel Peace Prize. I would kill for one of those.
  
• Trust in God. But lock your car.
  
• If life gives you lemons, why not go kill someone with the lemons (maybe by shoving them down his throat)
  
• We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually produce a masterpiece. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.
  
• One good turn gets most of the blankets
  
• All true wisdom is found on T-shirts
  
• Hit any user to continue
  
• Last night as I lay in bed looking at the stars, I thought, 'Where the hell is the ceiling?'
  
• How do you get holy water? (Boil the hell out of it)
  
• If we quit voting will they all go away?
  
• The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them
  
• I think, therefore I am... I think.
  
• Everything goes on forever since the fat lady retired
  
• A metaphor is like a simile
  
• A bird in the hand is the best way to eat chicken
  
• If you keep your feet firmly on the ground you'll have trouble putting on your pants
  
• If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished
  
• How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?
  
• All things being equal, fat people use more soap
  
• I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy
  
• The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was the genius.
  
• Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, 'Why did they believe me?'
  
• What has four legs and one arm? (A happy pit bull) (Sorry, Molly!)
  
• And God said, 'Let there be vodka!' And He saw that it was good. Then God said, 'Let there be light!' And then He said, 'Whoa -- too much light.'
  
• 'Stewardesses' is the longest word that can be typed with only the left hand (It is--try it!)
  
• Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
  
• If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried
  
• Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff.
  
• All that glitters has a high refractive index
  
• Hospitality: making your guests feel at home even if you wish they were
  
• Never shave with a weedwhacker
  
• Where subtlety fails, we must simply make do with cream pie
  
• On the other hand, you've got different fingers
  
• I've got a plan so cunning, you could put a tail on it and call it a weasel
  
• Puritanism: the haunting fear that someone somewhere may be happy
  
• Time may be a great healer but it's a lousy beautician