Aug. 15: OK, here's the deal

I can be as mean as I want, but if I add, "but I still love you!" to the end of my rant then my husband should still totally get me some ice cream.

Fair, isn't it?

—Jen

Aug. 15: A lesson in footwear

In no way do I claim to be a fashion goddess, nor do I think anyone will ever mistake me for a credible fashion critic. But there's one thing I simply cannot abide: shoes that don't fit.

So you're a celebrity. You're wearing a $40K gown, whether you paid for it or not, and you've hired a gaggle of artists to make you look perfect. And just before you head to your awards show or movie premiere or charity auction, you slip on your shoes. Shoes that cost nearly as much as your gown. Shoes that you hope to GOD you don't have to walk in for very long because they're already killing your back. The fact that your toes hang over the ends gets by all of your beautifiers, and you proceed to your event where your picture will be taken by hundreds of cameras, all documenting your perfectly manicured toes hanging over the ends of your gorgeous shoes.

What are you, some kind of idiot?

Here's what I'm saying. If you're wearing shoes like this and your feet don't look like this in them:

CHANGE. YOUR. SHOES.

You're scaring the children. And me.

One more thing. Trim your toenails. You look like a velociraptor.

—Jen (yes, I'm a beeyotch today)

Aug. 14: R.I.P., Yankee dude

Yankee Hall of Famer Phil Rizzuto died today. So, Kath, I guess Dad has another Yankee buddy in Heaven. I'm sure they're all gathered, making fun of the Red Sox and Red Sox fans and anything else having to do with Red Sox. And Dad's probably trying to work in some jabs about the Mariners too.

I read this amusing bit about Rizzuto in one of today's articles:
Yankee fans also loved his unusual commentary. In an age of broadcasters who spout statistics and repeat the obvious, Rizzuto delighted in talking about things like his fear of lightning, the style of an umpire's shoes or even the prospect of outfielder Dave Winfield as a candidate for president. He liked to acknowledge birthdays and anniversaries, read notes from fans, praised the baked delicacies at his favorite restaurant and send messages to old cronies. And if he missed a play, he would scribble "ww" in his scorecard box score. That, he said, meant "wasn't watching."

I'm embarrassed to admit that my knowledge of Phil Rizzuto is limited to that I learned from watching the Seinfeld episode ("The Pothole") when George loses his keys. It's one of those when all the storylines tie together and is hilarious.

George puts his keys on the table. On the ring is a miniature head, clearly a caricature of someone.

JERRY: What is that?

GEORGE: Ahh, Steinbrenner gave 'em to us, in honor of Phil Rizzuto being inducted into the Hall of Fame.

He squeezes the miniature head.

HEAD: Holy cow!

JERRY: They don't actually have to squeeze his head to get him to say 'holy cow,' do they?

GEORGE: Just the last few innings of a double-header.

Dad, please don't annoy Mr. Rizzuto, mmkay? You may know a lot about baseball, but he actually played the game.

—Jen

Aug. 14: Happy birthday, Emma!

Today is Miss Emma Jordan's sixth birthday. We'll be celebrating with them at Spaghetti Factory later today. I'm hoping that whatever we eat there will look a little yummier than this very creative but not very appetizing spaghetti cake because, well, yuck. I can accept powdered sugar as parmesan, but are those Ding-Dongs supposed to be meatballs???

Emma trivia: she came home on August 18, 2001, which was also a noteworthy date because it was Jim and April's tenth anniversary. Not quite the trip to Italy they'd planned, but a pretty exciting alternative.

—Jen

Aug. 13: Love and marriage

Yesterday drove to Salem and back (happy birthday, Theo!). On our way home there was a big wreck on I-5 so we hopped over to 99E and took it all the way up to Oregon City. Have you ever wondered where the scariest of Clackamas Town Center shoppers come from? I’m pretty sure they live in those little towns on 99E between Salem and Oregon City. Yikes.

Jack just got back from a week at my mom’s so he and Katie had a lot of bickering to catch up on. They made the most of their time in the car doing exactly that, which made a fairly short journey seem almost unbearably long for the people in the front seat. This was one of their more entertaining conversations:

Jack: You want to marry Jacob
Katie: You want to marry Julianne
Vic and Jen, nearly in unison: NO MARRYING YOUR COUSINS!
(slight pause)
Jack: I’m going to marry Mommy
(I'm thinking, how sweet is my little boy???)
Katie: I’m going to marry Daddy. haHA! I get to marry the good one. The funny one.

Tell me. What the hell makes Vic “the good one”?

—Jen

Aug. 12: When girls drink too much

I've only been falling-down, puke-my-guts-out drunk a handful of times in my life, but I remember enough to know that I prefer drunkenness as a spectator sport. I think drunk people are hugely entertaining. Most of them, anyway. The mean drunks suck; you just wonder if they've loosened up enough to finally tell you the truth. No thanks.

While I can't totally identify with this list I found while browsing the web today, I can still appreciate the humor. I hope you do too.

When girls drink too much...

1. We have absolutely no idea where our purse is
   
2. We believe that dancing with our arms overhead and wiggling our butt while yelling “woo-hoo!” is truly the sexiest dance move around
   
3. We’ve suddenly decided that we want to kick someone’s butt and honestly believe we could do it too
   
4. In our last trip to pee, we realize that we now look more like a homeless hooker than the goddess we were just four hours ago
   
5. We drop our 3:00 a.m. submarine sandwich on the floor (which we’re eating even though we are not the least bit hungry), pick it up and carry on eating it
   
6. We start crying and telling everyone we see that we love them sooo much
   
7. We get extremely excited and jump up and down every time a new song plays because “Oh my god! I love this song!”
   
8. We’ve found a deeper/spiritual side to the geek sitting next to us
   
9. The man we’re flirting with used to be our fifth grade teacher
   
10. The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and sing or dance becomes strangely overwhelming to us
    
11. Our eyes just don’t seem to want to stay open on their own so we keep them half closed and think it looks exotically sexy
    
12. We’ve suddenly taken up smoking and become really good at it
    
13. We yell at the bartender, who we believe cheated us by giving us just lemonade, but that’s just because we can no longer taste the gin
    
14. We think we are in bed, but our pillow feels strangely like the kitchen floor
    
15. We start every conversation with a booming “Don’t take this the wrong way but...”
    
16. We fail to notice that the toilet lid is down when we sit on it
    
17. Our hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves
    
18. We are tired so we just sit on the floor (wherever we happen to be standing) and take a quick nap
    
19. We begin leaving the buttons open on our button fly pants to cut down on the time we’re in the bathroom away from our drink
    
20. We take our shoes off because we believe it’s their fault that we’re having problems walking straight
    

Heh heh heh. Alcohol makes people do funny stuff.

—Jen

Aug. 10: Fashion, it's criminal

If your mom always said to wear clean underwear just in case you get in a car accident, what are you supposed to wear just in case you get arrested?

The Smoking Gun has grouped together some mug shots of people with amusing and/or ironic and/or unsurprising sayings on their shirts. An earlier assortment can be found here. Enjoy looking at these stupid people and their unfortunate fashion choices.

—Jen

Aug. 9: Camping tips

If you’ve been paying attention, you know that camping is one of my favorite pastimes. I mean, who doesn’t love being filthy dirty and eaten by bears for three straight days?

You also probably know by now that I enjoy satire. The Onion is one of my favorite chuckle sites. Here’s another: Recoil. Today I want to share their camping tips with you.

Perhaps partly out of guilt for living so well, humans instinctually feel the desire to take to the woods carrying less than a third of their modern conveniences in the name of camping. Here are some tips to help you survive your weekend excursion:

• Remember to register daily at the fairgrounds office, otherwise you won’t be eligible to win the prizes given out for setting off the wee morning firecracker that wakes up the largest percentage of campers.
  
• Calling tech support in advance will make it much easier to get your Internet connection up and running at the campground.
  
• In the event of a bear attack, lie down and try to appear lifeless. Men, ask your wives for advice on achieving this pose.
  
• Never feed the wildlife, as this will make animals dependent on handouts for survival. The same goes for your children.
  
• Make a scrapbook of close-up photos of each of your bug bites, to preserve the memories of your camping experiences for the members of your family that don’t die from malaria, West Nile virus, etc.
  
• Do not, under any circumstances, pack a fire extinguisher. If by some miracle you do manage to get a decent fire going, you certainly don’t want to risk someone putting it out.
  
• Keep in mind that sand, like vampires, can’t come into your place unless invited in.
  
• You can get a lot of great camping supplies at your local military surplus store, although you usually need to know a password in order to buy the really handy and hard-to-find supplies.
  
• Spreading a gross or so of industrial-sized tacks around the campfire will keep your baby from crawling into harm’s way.
  
• Be sure one of your friends packs an axe or else years later your straight-to-cable true story horror/thriller won’t be able to get much of a plot going.
  
• If you’re not up to packing everything and then driving 100 miles to some remote shithole, keep in mind that there’s no law that says you have to have slept in a tent to have license to not bathe and start drinking beer at noon on Saturdays.
  
• It’s wise to find the nearest Laundromat to your campsite before it starts to rain. It’s also helpful if the Laundromat has a hotel attached to it.

I didn't write that last one, even though it is the only kind of camping I willingly do.

—Jen

Aug. 9: Tricky gifts

Do you remember opening gifts when you were little and getting all excited over what was pictured on the box, only to find someone had just used a box from a good gift but actually put a different (and usually much crappier) gift inside? I swear, one of the most common refrains around our house on Christmas mornings was, "Can I believe the box???"

Here are some great gift boxes that should not be believed. Yeah, $7.50 is kind of a lot for an empty box, but just think of all the fun it will be to wrap some crappy gifts for the adults that briefly raised our hopes all those years.

USB Toaster 
Salt of the Month Club 
Make Your Own Umbrella Kit (love "The Hong Konger")

Not that I'm bitter or anything...

—Jen

Aug. 8: My favorite Chippendale

Remember that hilarious SNL sketch with Patrick Swayze and Chris Farley? And the Matt Foley one with David Spade and Christina Applegate? Ah, good times...

Here's an e-mail Sally forwarded to me today. You gotta read the red text first and then scroll waaaay down for the picture. (8/9/07, 11:05 a.m.: edited to add a better photo of the original Chris Farley here--thanks, Lori!)

The black cloud that has been looming over planet Earth since December 18, 1997 [the day Chris Farley died] is gone.

I am ecstatic to announce that Chris Farley has been reincarnated and is now a young, bright eyed little girl (age 2) living in Cleveland, Ohio. Please hide the paint chips. Apparently, all his comedic talents and philanthropic endeavors during his life have landed him a hot mother too.

Let the sun shine again (on a van down by the river).

—Jen