Apr. 20: Crimes and punishments

Did you see The Office this last week? Jim and Pam were lightheartedly discussing living together, getting engaged, etc. Then Jim showed the camera the ring he bought for Pam. And I totally got goose bumps, like he was showing the camera the ring he bought for ME. When we’re watching The Office and there are tender moments between Jim and Pam, Vic looks at my reaction because he knows that I’m getting goose bumps, crying happy tears, or texting Alisa about it.

Later that night I dreamt that Pam finally broke it off with Roy and she was free to date Jim (yes, like two seasons ago—evidently my dreams have been affected by the writer’s strike too). But Pam waited too long, and Jim had already hooked up with me. Gee, that’s a shame, Pam. I win, you lose. Neeners!

But then things really fell apart. Like, Jim and I were holed up in a high-rise hotel in Scranton and a SWAT team was called in and Angela was giving us her sanctimonious stare from the parking lot. It made me feel bad, so I told Jim he should be with Pam and I turned myself in. I’m so generous. Well, since I was already married to Vic it wasn’t so much generosity as it was guilt from the adultery. Heh heh.

When I woke up it took a while to shake the dreadful feeling that I had been so cruel to Pam, especially after she and I had always been such good friends. I was not, apparently, feeling so bad about cheating on Vic. I’m gonna pretend there could not possibly be an underlying reason for that and investigate it no further.

Jim was the star of my REM sleep again Friday night, when he made me a smiley-face pancake. Unfortunately, that is not a euphemism for anything.

Usually I don’t describe my weird dreams to Vic because it just confirms the tenuous grasp I have on my sanity. But yesterday morning he slept later than I did and I HAD TO MAKE MY OWN COFFEE. I know! I can’t believe how abusive he is. So, to punish him, I told him all about my two Jim dreams. He didn’t seem to mind that I hooked up with Jim. He also said I should make my own coffee more often.

Oh, yeah, I’ll make the coffee. And I’ll go back to spitting in his commuter mug every morning. “Hyock-too... ♫ Have a lovely day, dear! ♫”