Jun. 14: Clumsiness is my super power

I broke my ankle three weeks ago. Here’s where I would normally tell you the totally truthful way it happened, one that would subtly underline my constant willingness to sacrifice my personal dignity for the sake of heroism and hearing it would make you want to send me flowers and food and gifts of all kinds.

But I’m too tired to come up with anything good. Please make up an action-packed story for me. Thanks.

What really happened is this: As I walked through the front door, I tripped on a shoe someone had left out. I faltered, twisted my ankle, and fell. I heard the snap of my bone break; it was … unpleasant. We went straight to the E.R., where they confirmed I’d broken the hell out of my fibula.

A week later I had surgery to repair the break with a plate and screws. I’m in a fiberglass cast for six weeks, after which I will graduate to a walking cast/boot.

Oh, and I’ve been diagnosed with clinical chronic crankiness. It’s a thing. Unfortunately, there is no cure. Sadly, it’s only the people around me who really suffer.

Some notes about this ankle-breaking experience:

• The orthopedist recommended a knee scooter, which I had never heard of but then tried, and now I believe that knee scooters are the most magical invention ever invented. Crutches are for suckas. Seriously, I may look like a moron on it, but it’s so much easier getting around.
• I’m temporarily camped out in our living room—it’s easier to get around on the hard floors and no stairs. Also, when people come in the front door, I can screech GET OUT OF MY ROOM! It’s fun.
• Sponge baths can hardly be called “baths.” Yuck. There’s no substitute for a good shower.
• The pain killers I’ve been given—they’re the hard core, knock-me-right-out kind—put me back in the E.R. a week after the surgery. I woke up last Sunday and suddenly couldn’t keep down foods or liquids. Pffftt. Once injected with anti-nausea stuff and lots of saline, I was back to normal and haven’t had trouble since. I’ve been able to cut back quite a bit on the drugs this past week. 
• All of this is sooo not worth the handicap parking.
• I’m bored silly. If I open the blinds, I start doing that Rear Window/Mrs. Kravitz thing, and quickly close them before I witness any neighborhood crimes or gossip-worthy activities.

All this is to say that there is an explanation for the low profile I’ve been keeping. I’ve been sleeping 12-18 hours each day, which leaves little time for anything exciting to happen to write about. Toss in Netflix and, well, there goes my day.

Nov. 4: Silly boys

Back in my day, we called them “titty twisters.” Now kids call them “purple nurples,” which is a far more preferable term, IMHO. I’m thankful that this moronic and painful pastime goes on only between the boys in my house. Here they are, checking out tonight’s post-war injuries:

My reaction when they start in on each other always reminds me of the Seinfeld episode in which George and Jerry are explaining to Elaine the fine art of wedgie-giving:

Elaine: “Boys are sick.”

Jerry: “What do girls do?”

Elaine: “We just tease someone until they develop an eating disorder.”

Yep, I’m doing another blog challenge. This one is photo-riffic!

May 12: April in review

May is almost half over and I’m finally, finally posting my summary of April 2013.

Special days I celebrated this month and how:

• Lots of friends and family members had birthdays, but there wasn’t any excessive celebrating.
• On April 1, which actually had nothing to do with the fact that it was April Fool’s Day, we toured the Queen Mary and the Princess Diana exhibit before flying home from our mostly-Disney vacation. The Diana thing was fascinating—lots of royal family history, handwritten items, gifts, and clothing Diana wore. They didn’t allow photography or I would’ve filled my memory card with pictures and showed ‘em to ya.
• Jack’s class celebrated Arbor Day with a tree planting near the school. It involved a lot of mud and eating of worms and I’m oh-so-glad I wasn’t a chaperone that day.

Books I read this month:

• I LOVED Let’s Explore Diabetes with Owls, by David Sedaris. BUT THEN! Then I also got to SEE him! Val and I went to the Portland stop on his current tour. His storytelling is nothing short of genius. I loves me those belly laughs.
• I re-started reading Falling Together, by Marisa de los Santos. I like her writing style, but I’m having a tough time not falling asleep whenever I start reading this book. It’s just not even a little bit entertaining to me. I’ll read another few chapters but if it’s still blah, I’ll give up.
• We had a Moms’ Book Exchange party as part of the reading incentive program we ran at school. I came home with a grocery bag full of new reading material! Such potential!

Movies and TV shows worth mentioning:

• Victor and I started re-watching the entire Arrested Development series so we can be prepared for the new Netflix episodes on May 26. That show has so much funny. So much.
• I feel like Smash has been trying to make me stop watching all season. I tell ya, casting Kathie Lee Gifford for a guest spot is on the right path to a boycott! I cannot abide that woman. The episode made me gag. No joke.
• It’s looking like several shows I’ve been watching this seasons may be cancelled. Keeping my fingers crossed, but just for some of the best ones…
• We rented Iron Man and Iron Man 2 because I thought the trailer for Iron Man 3 looked really good. I liked the first two movies, and hope to see the newest one soon.
• I thought Argo was very well done.
• This wasn’t a TV show, but we hosted Presto the Magician for a family night at the school in April. He was a huge hit, of course. My favorite part *might* have been when I asked him beforehand if he would come out to “The Final Countdown” and he totally knew what I meant! Bonus points if you know too.
  
• Also not a movie or TV show, Victor and I saw Rain, a Beatles tribute show. Very fun.

This month’s disappointments:

• More dental work. Pfffft.
• I’m seeing the light at the end of the PTO tunnel; my presidential term ends June 30. There’s a solid board in place for next year, and I know they’ll do an amazing job, and it almost bums me out because I won’t be working with them. I’ll get over it, I’m sure. It’ll be good to get my life back. Still, I get the sad face sometimes.
  
• Jack started football again. If you’ve been paying attention, you know how that makes me feel.
• I slipped and fell on the stairs, messed up my back, and felt like I was 90 for a few days. Another day my toe got stuck while putting on my pants and I fell over; landed hard on my knee. Injuries to 90-year-olds do not heal quickly. I’m very limp-y.
• A dear friend got a cancer diagnosis. Cancer sucks so much.
  

My accomplishments:

• Thanks to recent weekends of good weather, we started working in the front yard. So many weeds! It’s lovely to see the new blooms, the perennials coming back to life, and the color from newly-planted annuals, though, and Vic and I love working out there together. There’s one thing we disagree on, though: I love ground cover and he is wrong.
• Add something else to my “Things I Saw on Pinterest That I Actually Did” list! I painted our mantle and fireplace surround. I took a “before” picture but the “after” picture needs a little work before I’m ready to show it off. Y’know, the corralling of cords and cables, that prettying-up sort of thing.

Anything else:

This is a weird optical illusion. Follow the directions (I promise it’s not one of those images you stare at forever and then it screams at you).

1. Stare at the red dot on the girl’s nose for 30 seconds
2. Turn your eyes towards the wall/roof or somewhere else on a plain surface
3. Keep blinking your eyes quickly

 

And a chuckle:

Have a good (rest of) May!

Nov. 6: Stupid & Clumsy

Occasionally I go back and read old blog posts and I’ll cringe—usually at the wording I used or the fact that I thought the topic was worth blogging about. Sometimes the cringing even makes me a little sweaty and anxious-y, and I’m tempted to dig up the original post in Blogger and delete it. However, I don’t delete old posts because you’re not supposed to do that. Don’t you know anything? It’s history, baby.

(Or something else that makes me sound like I’m contributing generously to our ever-improving world…)

Also, finding super-old posts in Blogger takes a super-long time and I’m super-lazy when it comes to finding super-old posts, unless, of course, there’s a misspelling or too many commas or a straight quote mark where there should be a curly one. That’s when I move mountains to fix it.

(Ha ha ha. I make myself laugh when I imply that I’m that concerned about perfect spelling and punctuation.)

(Oh, shut up. Humor me.)

Tonight I ran across a post from 2008 in which I tell about 13 stupid or clumsy things I did. When you put all 13 things together and read them at once, it’s kind of a wonder that I’m still alive. And that post was written a year before this happened and this happened within two weeks of each other.

There’s stuff I never even bother mentioning, too.

(You’re welcome for that, by the way.)

Jul. 27: Whine, whine, whine

Alright. I have some stuff I need to get off my chest.

• I’m sick of Pandora sometimes. I don’t think it’s very good at knowing what kinds of songs I like, even though I tell it all the time. On my Broadway musicals channel, it plays an awful lot of Maroon 5. That’s wrong.
• Four times this week I have wondered if our house was on fire because my neighbors have fires going in their fire pits. I love the fire pit things, and we’ve talked about getting one for ourselves, but smelling fire scares me for a second every time. I mean, I live in a neighborhood where you don’t expect to smell fire. Well, *I* don’t expect it. I guess I should learn to. It would lower my blood pressure.
• That reminds me, I don’t think it’s very nice to grill meat outside and not invite me over.
• We went to a wrap-up meeting for Relay for Life tonight. A bunch of teams were all HRMPH, YOU HOE-DOWNS DIDN’T REALLY WIN BECAUSE TONY RAISED MOST OF YOUR MONEY. But then they also suggested that they would get Tony to join their teams next year and they would win and when they said that I flipped them all off. OK, not really. But I wanted to. I kinda did it in my head, if you must know. I’m only kinda joking about that part.
• Our Relay event chairs are stepping down and they’re needing lots of new people to take on committee positions. Victor pinched me whenever I started to look like I was going to raise my hand. As much as I would love to be on the committee, I’m tied to PTO for the next two years and I know I shouldn’t take on anything else. Still, when they said that one web guy was leaving… I was tempted. I was.
• Have I mentioned that I hate cancer? I hate it especially a lot today.
• Popcorn, however, I like.
• If you ask me what I’ve been doing for the past two days, I’ll make something up that sounds more exciting than “researching PTO bylaws.” This is not one of the funner things I’ve ever done. This long-ass sentence is exactly the reason why:

The PTO shall purchase and maintain Directors’ & Officers’ Liability Insurance (D&O) on behalf of an individual against liability asserted against or incurred by the individual who is or was a director, officer, employee, or agent of the PTO, or who, while a director, officer, employee, or agent of the PTO, is or was serving at the request of the PTO as a director, officer, partner, trustee, employee, or agent of another foreign or domestic business or nonprofit corporation, partnership, joint venture, trust, employee benefit plan, or other enterprise; however, the PTO may not purchase or maintain such insurance to indemnify any director, officer, or agent of the PTO in connection with any proceeding charging improper personal benefit to the director, officer, or agent in which the director, officer, or agent was adjudged liable on the basis that personal benefit was improperly received by the director, officer, or agent.

• (I think I get lost somewhere around the first occurrence of “asserted.” Possibly “PTO.”)
• In the next couple months, the four of us will be seeing three big-deal Broadway in Portland musicals: Les Misérables, Mamma Mia, and Shrek. Betchoo wish you were Jack, huh? That would work out well, because he sure doesn’t wish he was him. I swear to Buddha, my boy will learn to love musicals if it kills me.
• I know I’m supposed to be thankful to have hair again, but my hair is being kind of an asshole lately.
• Laundry takes forever and seems quite pointless. Being able to see the floor of my closet is totally overrated.
• I still haven’t gone on vacation.
• It’s been weeks since I’ve seen some of my friends in the neighborhood. Stupid summer.
• Alex F’n reminded me of this blog post today. It’s from last summer and I’m hideous. (That’s not what he reminded me, it’s what I was reminded of when I looked at that post. Yuck.)
• Speaking of posts from last summer, here’s a way-weird one about my eye. Don’t worry; it’s not gross like this one.
• If you clicked on the gross thing, I’m laughing at you right now.
• I went an entire post with only a slight complaint about Victor. Where’s my Awesome Wife award?

Done whining. Your turn.

Jul. 14: Ice ice baby

I’m icing my knee right now. I tripped over a chair this evening and fell. There are three huge purple lumps on the side of my leg and it hurts a LOT. Oh, and I have to walk about 926 miles this weekend. Good timing, huh?

This is just one more time I’ve injured myself before something important.

1. In 2001, I was a week away from my first trip to Europe when I broke my foot. I was also five months pregnant. These two things allowed us to board every flight early, so it wasn’t the worst.
2. A couple years ago I fell in the garage and landed on my chin. When I opened my eyes and saw a bunch of little white things in front of me, my first thought was that I broke all my teeth. My second thought was that I wouldn’t be able to go to the David Sedaris reading that night. My third thought was that those white things were fertilizer bits and maybe our garage needs to be swept better. I made it to David Sedaris—I know you were worried.
3. Two weeks after the chin thing, I fell again, but this time I caught my eyelid on the armoire latch on the way down. Hi-laaaarious, right? I was on some powerful drugs and one side of my forehead was still swollen, but I made it to Rent two days later anyway.

It sucks to hurt oneself before one is expected to be physically active and/or seen in public. But if one is hurt while doing something of which one can be proud, one would not be quite so embarrassed to tell one’s true account of how one was hurt.

(Speaking of hurt… it hurts to write all that “one” stuff. No more.)

I don’t get hurt playing sports because I avoid playing sports. Not once have I hurt myself saving puppies from a backyard well. I’ve rarely been injured chasing angry honey badgers out of school carnivals. I’ve never been called to rescue wheelchair-bound children from a burning orphanage, but if I ever am, there’s no doubt I’ll get out alive and well.

My most serious injuries have all happened inside my home.

The only thing that makes sense is that my husband is trying to kill me but he totally sucks at it.

Jul. 12: The whining and the ouchiness

I don’t know what I did, but my left hand is all jacked up. It’s messing with my ability to use my iPhone. I know! I don’t know how I’m surviving this either.

I like having opposable thumbs. I use them. Well, I use my right one, anyway. My left one is being a real a-hole. I know all the moving of boxes and furniture over the weekend couldn’t have helped, but seriously, Thumb. I kinda needja. Here’s why:

• When I drive, I hold the bottom of the wheel with my left hand, and hook my thumb around it. Now I can’t, because it hurts. So now I drive crazy. You’d best get out of my way.
• When I use my laptop, I tend to “drive” it like I do my car. Now I can’t, because it hurts. So I cry.
• When I hold my phone and do very important things for hours at a time, I use the index finger and thumb on my left hand as a stand—they’re pretty perfect for that. Now I can’t, because it hurts. I figured out that if I use a boob, I can almost get my iPhone to stay upright. Whatever works.
• When I pick things up, I often enlist the use of my thumb. Now I can’t pick things up, because it hurts. So I whine a lot more than normal, and I knock stuff around because I’m angry. HULK MAD THUMB HURTS!
• When I open the washer or dryer doors, my left thumb comes in handy. Now I can’t open the washer or dryer doors. So I don’t do laundry. I don’t know how long I’ll be able to get away with this.
• When I think, which I do almost constantly, I rest my chin in my left hand and tap my thumb on my jaw. It’s very “The Thinker” (not really) and I look like an idiot if I can’t do it just exactly that way at all times. Girl, you know it’s true.
• When I sleep, I look like an angel. That has nothing to do with my hurt thumb; I just wanted to brag a little.
• I’m afraid my promising future in thumb wrestling may be over. My dreams have died.

Why am I telling you all this? So you’ll feel sorry for me. So you’ll understand the lengths I go to for you, my adoring public of four, in keeping my blog updated even when it’s causing me great pain. It’s for you. It’s all for you.

Jun. 4: IDCEAYWTPFriday

It’s Friday, and that means you get a post called I Don’t Care Enough About You to Write in Transitioning Paragraphs Friday.

• HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BRENDA! I think Ponch over there is pointing right at you.
• Have you tried the Powerberries at Trader Joe’s? They’re really, really tasty. And healthy too! OK, they’re probably not really healthy, but they sure do taste good. Here’s a detailed description.
• Millie came in with a mouse again last night. It was deader than dead. She had a ball batting it around for a few minutes, but when she got her claw stuck in the rug and pulled it over on top of the mouse, I jumped at the chance to scoop it up and throw it away. She walked around crying and making me feel like a bad cat mom for a long time. I’m glad she’s finally catching furry things, but I’d like her to keep her toys outside.
• I have a new favorite person! Mark-Antonio, a Facebook friend Jenny introduced me to, sent me a big box of Jersey Girl gear. I have him completely fooled into thinking I’m a tough girl, but that’s OK. He’s all kinds of awesome—he sent T-shirts, a baseball cap, and an Inside Jersey magazine. What a generous guy! I’m hoping to meet him in person when he’s here next month.
• Loveliest Lori posted this video to Facebook this morning. A day that begins with a little Jon Stewart can’t go wrong, right?

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Glenn Beck Airs Israeli Raid Footage
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Tea Party

• Another lovely surprise I got in the mail this week: three new books, sent to me by that fabulous author, Pamela Ribon! She sent Why Moms Are Weird, Going in Circles (her brand new book), and Cold Feet. Is she the coolest? I think she just might be. I have a big stack of books to read now, and all of them look so entertaining, it’s been difficult to make a choice each time I’m ready for a new one. That’s a very nice problem to have.
• Yesterday while I was putting on my shoes, my ankle gave out and I fell down like a big clod. I landed on my left knee, hard, and it’s all swollen and tender now. I can walk fine but everything else that involves my knee makes me whine like a whiny whiner. Why must my body rebel against me in so many ways? Stupid body.
• For many, many reasons, I’m so thankful for good friends. I don’t mean to brag, y’know, but I’ve got lots.
  
   
• If you have handheld electronics, you should have an invisibleSHIELD for the screen. I got one for my iPhone last year and I love it—it not only protects it from scratches, but makes the touch much nicer. The iPhone shields are $20, which is a lot more expensive than most screen protectors you can buy, but they’re a lot stronger too. I don’t remember if I’ve mentioned the invisibleSHIELD before, but I was reminded of how fab they are because I got one for my new phone today.
• Oh, and I got a new hat! Debi knit (knitted?) it and gave it to me last weekend. It’s super-soft and such beautiful colors. Do I have a picture? Well, you bet I do!
  
  
  Deanna gets credit for giving Debi a gift bag for the hat. Thanks, Deanna!
• I can’t stop playing Coin Dozer on my iPhone. It’s a coin pusher game, like those lame ones in arcades, and it’s as stupid as those and I hate that I can’t stop playing but it’s kinda fun and I wish I’d paid more attention in physics or whatever class would have taught me something about how the game works because then maybe I would think it was boring.
• I know my paragraphs aren’t supposed to have transitions, but while I’m on the subject of iPhone apps, Moxie 2 is out! Moxie is the most fun word game EVER, and Moxie 2 has all these cool enhancements over the original and makes it even better. You totally have to get it. Totally.
• I. Am. Tired. Of. All. The. Rain. I know true Oregonians aren’t supposed to complain about the rain, but COME ON. It’s June. We just want enough sun so we know it’s not winter anymore, OK, Mother Nature?
• Also, I’d like a pony.
• Are we the only ones waiting for Captain Phil to fall over on Deadliest Catch? I know he had the stroke when they were off-loading at St. Paul Island, so at least we know it won’t all begin while they’re still at sea. He lived for ten days afterward, and I remember reading that they filmed a lot of stuff in the hospital. This week’s episode mentioned his health issues, so I think they’ll start featuring more of him soon. So sad. His last episode’s gonna be a big bummer.
• Here’s a picture of my handsome nephews, which I stole from my sister’s Facebook album because I just couldn’t resist, and that defense will definitely hold up in court, right?
  
  
  That’s Sean (23) on the left, Stephen (22) on the right.
• This week has been exhausting. I’ve had no energy. It could be the weather, or it could be the busted kneecap, or maybe it’s the cancer. Whatever it is, I’m tired and I’m tired of it. I’ve got stuff to do, and I want to do it. Grrr.

Have a super-fantastic weekend, y’all! Smell ya later—

Nov. 19: It’s unbelievable

So I was walking up the stairs, just like every other time I walk up the stairs (tripping on every other one), and just as I approached the top, my right big toe caught in the left leg of my jammie pants. I started to fall forward. My life flashed before my eyes. I pictured a new face bruise photo that would totally bum out Loveliest Lori. I wondered why I hadn’t taken the advice to get myself fitted for airbags. I thought of yet another ER visit… And, well, somehow that teeny tiny brain of mine got my big toe out of the leg of my jammie pants, and I. DID. NOT. FALL.

In the words of the funniest talking German caterpillar of all the talking German caterpillars ever in the movies, “Oh, ja, I can hardly believe it also.”

And that is how I did not injure myself this week. I think it’s nice to share good news once in a while, don’t you?

Sep. 29: The crazy is making me crazy

Y’know how sometimes people look kinda crazy (not crazy like “funny” but crazy like “off their rocker”) and you immediately know that you shouldn’t take anything they say seriously because they’re obviously off the medication that allows them to function like a normal person?

I sometimes think I should accompany each of my blog posts with a photo of myself taken at the time the post was written so you can see how sane (or otherwise) I look. This way you might have a better understanding of why some most posts have no point. Because until someone develops a computer in which buttons that post to public forums can sense insanity in the person attached to the clicking finger—and until I get one of those computers—we as an Internet public are subject to all sorts o’ batshit crazy. For instance:

• I started out my day having slept just a few hours. I woke up repeatedly throughout the night with pain shooting up one leg and one side of my back, and nothing I did and no words I yelled made any difference.
• I turned on my computer this morning to find an e-mail containing distressing news from a dear friend. I feel helpless and am trying to decide the best response to let this friend know how much I care.
• Either our cable line or both of our TiVos are farked up and the TV picture occasionally freezes or scrambles, even when I’m not watching the naughty stations. Neighbors out there, please tell me yours is doing the same thing. IT IS TOTALLY PISSING ME OFF. I was hoping it might be because of all the digging going on in our neighborhood right now but that’s probably just wishful thinking.
• There’s no school tomorrow. I don’t know why schools have to have teacher in-service days. My guess is that the teachers are tired of trying to keep our kids busy, so they’re turning it back on us so WE have to figure out what to do with them for a day in the middle of the week. Wow. Teachers be smart.
• Every day that I’ve taken a walk has evolved into me waking in the middle of the night with intense pain. My professional opinion is that even small amounts of exercise are bad for me right now. I shall drown my sorrows in many, many Advil, because Vicodin stopped doing any good a long time ago, and the small amount of rum I poured in my Coke the other day ended up giving me a huge headache. Is it possible I just needed more? Hm. So Advil or rum, either way… And now pretty soon I’m gonna need new kidneys. Little help?
• Tonight Jack told me that he wants to start showering in the mornings so he can wake up faster. I told him about how my dad used to throw a cup of water to wake me up when he thought I’d slept enough, and Jack thought that story was awesome. Funny, because Kathy’s and my memories of Dad doing that are anything but awesome. Anyway, as Jack wandered off to bed, he said, “If Grandpa Curt was alive I would ask him if he remembers that and if he thought it was funny and if he would do it to me.” And I burst into tears the second he walked out of the room because I hate that Jack doesn’t remember Grandpa Curt, only that he should.

See what I mean? I’m a mess. Physical pain can do a real number on us, and combined with miscellaneous (and sometimes stupid) frustrations, can cause totally unexpected emotions to surface, huh? Yikes. I need to stay off the computer, keep my finger away from “post” buttons, all that. But I’ve never been one to make good decisions. Instead, I acted like an idiot over on Facebook all day. Seriously—if you’re my friend and you can see the shit I wrote everywhere, you’ll go SHE WAS SOOOO NOT KIDDING!

Alright, so here’s the picture that best describes my state of mind right now. Notice I have no lipstick on. I couldn’t wear eye makeup for months after I fell last summer, but you won’t catch me dead leaving the house without lipstick. The only stronger indicator that something isn’t quite right with me is if I have lipstick smeared all over my mouth and teeth. That kinda means that for anyone, though.

My hair’s half ponytailed, half frizzy—no one’s best look. My just-off-center cowlick is doing its best to uglify my hairline. Any eye makeup you see is left over from yesterday, and lodged/smeared in the bags under my eyes. The dent in my chin is from the fall before that other fall. I know, you’re probably thinking “Girlfriend needs an old priest and a young priest!”

And let’s just say Princess Jen will be the “I’m alright” post photo:

So, is it a deal? Pictures speak a thousand words, right? Just think how much time you’ll save, not having to read a bunch of crap to find a purpose where there almost never is one. You’ll see the photo at the top and immediately know if you want to read the words under it.

Oh, you don’t have to thank me.

That horrified look on your face is thanks enough.

Jul. 12: Weekend non-warriors

A bunch of random things going on this weekend…

My mom went back home to Medford yesterday. All the two-legged residents of the House of Manullang were sad to see her go. The four-leggeds, though, were pretty much GOOD RIDDANCE to Gilly. Millie is now free to roam the house again, making her perhaps the happiest of all.

Life isn’t exactly back to normal, though, because Katie and Jack are in Seattle with Grandpa and Grandma this weekend. Victor and I are taking advantage of these kid-free couple of days to work on house projects. Yesterday we cleared out the playroom and shampooed the carpet. Today I’m working on Jack’s room—there are Legos everywhere and I. Mean. Everywhere.—and Vic will be shampooing more carpet. Looks like I’ll be able to paint the playroom (Katie’s new room) this next week.

Last night we went out with Scott and Christina, our new favorite people. Back at their house, Christina made the most amazing mojitos, like, EVER, and we sat on their beautiful new deck and chatted away for hours. Most of the evening’s entertainment was provided by Mambo, their very energetic and silly Papillon puppy. It was a really fun night.

I just looked up “Papillon” to make sure I spelled it correctly and read that “papillon” is French for “butterfly.” Of course, that meant it was trivia time, so I asked Victor if he knew what “papillon” meant. He said “butterfly,” so I was all HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT? in a kind of a whiny, surprised voice (hard to believe I can make such a voice, I know). And he said he just knew, it was one of those things he remembered from whatever, and I didn’t believe him because he lies all the time about everything, especially about not having anything to do with my recent injuries. Heh heh heh… And then he finally admitted that he remembered “papillon” from the worst James Bond movie ever, A View to a Kill. And I laughed my ass off. Because I like to think I didn’t learn a thing from that awful movie, but obviously Vic did and that makes it very, very fun for me to point and laugh at him. To think I was almost running out of reasons!

My cousin Emily posted this to my Facebook wall this morning:

hey Jen, the clumsy trait must be at Saltmarsh gene, I went to answer my phone tonight and somehow dropped it in such a way that I ended up hitting my mouth and giving myself a fat lip. My first thought was of you, that was kinda weird, lol.

I feel bad that she hurt herself, but am also relieved to know I’m not the only one in the family who has these crazy-stupid kinds of accidents.

Well, these Legos aren’t going to salvage themselves. I need to get busy. More later.

Jun. 26: Witness my awesome power

This is the latch on the right armoire door:

 

And this is the latch on the left armoire door after I fell against it yesterday:

 

Looks like my forehead’s super-strong. Explains the triangular cut on my FrankenBrow, no?

This morning I’m hurting much worse than I did yesterday.

• While my left knee is no more swollen, it’s become incredibly painful. I can walk on it just fine—putting weight on it doesn’t increase the pain at all—but the minute I turn my knee or demi-plié, my mouth lets loose with a string of profanities the likes of which I haven’t uttered in an entire hour. I’m still confident that my knee’s not broken, but there must be some severe soft tissue damage in there.
• One of my toes is also hurting quite a bit more than it was during my “this little piggie” exam yesterday. ‘Course, nothing much can be done for a broken or sprained toe so I’ve resorted to whining.
• My right forearm, which I must have landed on in my graceful fall, is scraped, swollen and bruised and has a mysterious puncture wound. It’s possible that was caused by the fact that my bedroom floor has not been vacuumed since Christmas 2004.
• And surprisingly, even though the anesthetic has worn off, my facial injury isn’t any more ouchie than it was last night. Except when I look in the mirror. It’s truly hideous. Ugh. The swelling has decreased but it’s still very bruised and red, and those blue stitches are standing out like, well, BLUE STITCHES.
• As if the pain I inflict on myself isn’t enough, my arm feels like I got slugged, thank to the after-effects of the tetanus shot, which I believe gives me every right to curse the E.R. doctor even though he was perfectly nice. That’s what he gets for prescribing nothing more potent than Motrin. Because Motrin? WTF?

Many of my Facebook friends had excellent suggestions to prevent future accidents:

In keeping with Sheila’s advice, I ‘shopped myself into a helmet for a new Facebook profile pic and am seriously considering making it my new everyday real-life look:

 

Also, if anyone knows how I might be able to punch the incredibly injurious 2009 in its big fat face, please tell me.

Jun. 25: Call me FrankenJen

Trust me. As you read this post and think, over and over again, “When will this clumsiness ever end?” you can be sure that I am asking myself the very same question.

Today I was resting with a heating pad on my back—still dealing with the back pain from all the yard work—and heard the kids come in the front door after a day with their grandparents and cousins. I jumped up from the bed and immediately tripped on something and fell, hitting my forehead on the open armoire door on the way down. It hurt pretty bad, so I put my hand against my head and just stayed there on the floor for a bit. Katie came in and asked what was wrong and I assured her I was okay. To prove it, I started to stand up. I took my hand away from my head to find it full of blood.

I ran to the sink and Katie ran for Grandma. Once I got the blood cleaned up a little I could see two large cuts just below my eyebrow. I had landed on my knee and it, too, was quickly swelling.

Wellington said the cuts looked deep enough that I would probably need stitches, so Darlene called Vic and asked if he’d meet me (y’know, at our usual place) at the emergency room. They figured out the car situation and how Katie and Jack would get to their last swimming lessons tonight while I changed into regular clothes and started to realize how much worse I’d hurt myself than I first thought.

Surprisingly, the doctor didn’t think my knee was seriously injured. True, I can put weight on it without any pain, but it’s HUGE, and way worse than the facial lacerations, ouchie-wise. As for the cuts on my eyebrow, they required two stitches each—believe it or not, I’ve never needed stitches for an injury before this one—and because one cut was especially deep, the doctor irrigated it thoroughly, which made it swell up even more. Yay, now I look like I got punched. Hard.

While waiting for my tetanus shot at the end, I had Vic take a picture of my eye. I had no idea it looked so awful. I mean, when I left home it was a little swollen but I had cleaned it up pretty well, so you could just see the outlines of the cuts. This was a HUGE difference. The stitches—done with blue thread, so I guess I’ll be coordinating my clothing with BLUE THREAD for the next week—were bad, but the swelling, the betadine, the bruising, the horror! I was shocked. I laughed so hard I started crying, and a nurse came and shut my door so other patients wouldn’t freak out that I’d gone cuckoo for cocoa puffs.

Here’s a picture of my eye repair. I’m showing you a teeny tiny preview and you have the option of clicking it to get a better look. Because I’m warning you—it’s oozy and stitchy and gross.

If you really feel bad for me and my extreme clumsiness, please leave your sympathies with a casserole in a comment. Because even injured girls need to eat.

Jun. 12: It never ends

No news is good news makes for a boring post.

When I last wrote, I was complaining about the giant bruise on my chin. Sadly, that would not be the most uncomfortable thing to happen to me that day. Late Wednesday night, after a fun evening with Christina and Lovely Lori H and David Sedaris, I tried to go to bed. I don’t know if my great fall that afternoon made my back ache worse than it had been, or my back just started hurting more all on its own; either way, I began to experience some of the worst pain of my life. It was so intense that I was concerned maybe it wasn’t my back at all, but my appendix or my kidney or my gall bladder or my medulla oblongata. At 1 a.m. we dragged the kids out to the car and went to the emergency room.

About three hours later I was finally able to see a doctor, who within five minutes diagnosed me with a back sprain and prescribed the loveliest of pain medications. We rounded up two very sleepy kids again and got home just as the sun was beginning to rise. I would have loved to spend the day in bed, as the doctor recommended, but I had a year-end sundae party to throw in Katie’s classroom. I dragged myself into the shower and then wandered a currently-being-remodeled Albertsons for sundae ingredients, forgetting about the giant bruise on my face and wondering why I got so many stares.

That’s the thing about shopping at the same grocery store all the time; people recognize you and notice when you’ve got a giant bruise on your face. And they ask you how it happened so you tell them your husband has a nasty temper and then they give Vic dirty looks until he starts shopping at Safeway. Heh heh heh…

Anyway, it took me forever to find all the sundae stuff so by the time I got to the school I was running around like a madwoman (I’d like to thank Vicodin for making running possible). The party was a blast, I had lots of eager helpers, and I ended up spending the last hour making those origami fortune teller thingies for a bunch of fold-challenged third graders. I came home and collapsed into bed.

Now I just need to rest and get better. I’ll apologize in advance for less frequent posting in the next week, not because I don’t want to post but because I hope my recuperation is uneventful and there won’t be much to post about. Just a few other things…

• Today was the last day of school. Now how am I supposed to keep the kids busy all day, every day? I’ve got reading lists, chore charts, swimming lessons and play dates lined up. Also cooking classes so they can make their own meals and stop bugging me to get out of bed and feed them breakfast… and then lunch… and then dinner. Geez. It never ends with those two!
• I’ve got to see Away We Go. It started today at Fox Tower. Who’s with me?
• Ted and the kids are coming for a visit this weekend. As with all Manullang family gatherings, we’ll be eating and eating and eating. I plan to watch Ted closely so he does not try to poison my food. Why would he poison my food, you ask? Because I put these ‘shopped pictures of him on Facebook.
  
  
  
  Oh, and look there. I’ve published them to the web again. Well, that wasn’t very nice sister-in-law behavior AT ALL. Oops. Sooooo sorry, Ted.
• Hood strawberries are ready! They’re the delicious little sweet ones and New Seasons is hosting a free strawberry tasting tomorrow. I’m going to go because I have nooooo idea what strawberries taste like.
• Most of my day lilies have blossomed now, and they’re such a bright spot in our garden! The agapanthus are taking their time, but a few have finally popped open and are looking beautiful. The willow hasn’t gotten worse and even appears to have new growth on it, so I’m still keeping my fingers crossed that we don’t lose it altogether. The hosta’s also just about ready to pop and I’m eager to see what its flowers look like. Yay for our well-behaved garden!
• Victor and Wellington have been working hard in the backyard. I’m not sure what they’ve been doing, but every day it looks a little more cleaned up and garden-like. I commented that one corner hanging out on its own looked like Florida and Vic was all, HEY! I’M GONNA MAKE OUR LAWN THE UNITED STATES! Although I hate the idea and really really really hope he was kidding, I do think it would be pretty cool to see from Google Earth’s view.
• Millie figured out that the roof of the minivan is a really great place to watch the goings-on in the neighborhood. In fact, she’s so comfy up there now that she’s been doing those long, very complete baths in full view. Pretty.
  
  

Well, I’m off to Cassie’s house for an end-of-the-school-year party. No, I won’t be partaking of any of the delicious adult beverages, which do not mix well with my painkillers unless you’re a celebrity and want to get in the tabloids. And yes, I will be relaxing, unless Cassie has some heavy lifting planned for her party guests, in which case she is a very mean party hostess.