Jan. 7: ♫♬ Every step you take ♪♫♪

Like just about everyone else in the world, it seems, we got fitness trackers for Christmas. Steps, exercise, calories burned, sleep quality—all the device’s collected info is really fascinating to follow. On days when I haven’t met my total steps goal by evening, I’ve taken to walking laps inside the house, which confounds and excites Lucy, and which I’ve decided is just like taking her for a walk, but without me having to bundle up for cold and/or wet weather. Win-win.

On work days, Vic meets his total steps goal with no extra effort. I sit a LOT for work, so I typically only meet my goal on days in which I run errands or am otherwise extra-active. I definitely need to add some additional exercise to my daily routine, and maybe spending a little less time with Netflix wouldn’t be the worst idea ever.

I first heard about how fitness trackers are used when I read this piece by David Sedaris, published last summer in The New Yorker, about his experience wearing a FitBit. Reaching his daily goal became an obsession, then increasing that daily goal, and then reaching that goal, etc. Now that I’ve got a tracker, I can easily see how the obsession could happen.

I doubt I’ll get a garbage truck named after me—I have no desire to walk 25+ miles a day and also, trash is icky—but I do enjoy this little accessory and the incentive it gives me to get out of my chair.

Sep. 2: Writer write writing written wrote

Today’s topic for the September Blog Challenge:

Writers on writing

I’d like to write a book someday. For as long as I’ve loved reading, I’ve envisioned myself as a novelist in my spare time—certainly not in a way that would provide me a living, but in addition to my career. And here I am, about to turn 45 years old and, well, it is just not happening, folks. On the up side, I haven’t received a single rejection letter! Yay Jen!

If or when I ever write a book, it’ll probably be about my cancer story. I don’t think mine is exceptionally different or inspiring compared to anyone else’s, but if I can help another person who has just been told “you have cancer,” if I can give them even the tiniest glimmer of hope that they can kick cancer’s ass, I would love to do that.

My book wouldn’t be an autobiography; it would fit into the “memoir” category. In my opinion, memoirs have the potential to be amazing because they don’t have to tell a person’s entire life story, just a part of it, and in fascinating detail. I know there aren’t very many people who would enjoy From Birth to Now, The Life of Jen—OMG, I just totally fell asleep on my keyboard typing that title—but maybe a few years’ worth of it could be slightly readable.

As with all writing, the toughest part is getting started. And because I know several people who have stories to tell, and those stories definitely NEED to be told, I’d like to share some suggestions on how to get started. These are things I’ve come up with on my own (because yes, I have started putting together my story), and some I’ve run across while looking for help on the ‘net.

Create a rough outline of the story, including the theme and major points.

“Find your important moments of meaning -- the true North of your memoir -- by listing turning points or moments that are important to you. Make a list, keep it up for a while, and then you'll have the spine of your memoir. Choose to write your scene from this list, and you can write in any order. Making an outline is helpful too though, because at some point, you'll want to put those scenes in some kind of order.” –Dr. Linda Joy Myers

You don’t have to write in chronological order.

Grab a manageable chunk of your outline and just write. Leave gaps. Try focusing on the most memorable moments, the things you can’t imagine your story without. In the instances where your memory is less sharp, sometimes writing about them will help the memories come back. Skip around your outline and assemble the parts when you’re ready.

Don’t edit as you write. Write, leave it, and come back later with fresh eyes.

If you set a goal—say, to write one page per day—complete the writing part and move on to your next goal. If you set aside that page and move on, you’ll eventually return to your writing and see better how it fits into the big picture of your story.

When you start writing, write for yourself, not an audience.

Hold off on polishing it up for others to read. Sometimes you just need to get your story out for your own healing. I started journaling in high school for that very reason—I didn’t write all that teen angst-y stuff for others to read, I wrote to make sense out of my life. Jeannette Walls, author of the memoir The Glass Castle, says, “I’m constantly urging people, especially older folks, to write about their lives. It gives you new perspective. It was hugely eye-opening for me and very cathartic. Even if the book hadn’t sold a single copy, it would still have been worth it.”

Be honest.

While there are lots of parts of my life I don’t talk about on my blog, the things I do share are what I believe to be true. Sure, it may be the highlight reel, but it’s still honest. “When you’re truly honest and revealing about yourself, it creates a sigh in other people,” says Lorna Kelly, author of The Camel Knows the Way. “They realize they’re not alone, they’re not a freak: Someone else has felt the exact same way or lived their dream. If you’re going to skimp on the truth, then you’re doing a disservice. Honesty is not only a gift to other people—it’s a gift to yourself.”

Know that your writing may cause hurt feelings.

Even if you don’t intentionally set out to hurt a person’s feelings, you very well may. It’s also very possible that you’ll have to write about moments that make a friend or family member seem like an asshole. I’ve heard Armistead Maupin talk about how family members have started to tell him a story but stop themselves because they’re sure he’ll find a way to use it in his books. David Sedaris seems to have no reservations telling horrific family stories (though I’m sure he does have a filter, and when you think about what he doesn’t tell, it’s a little scary). If you’re writing to get revenge or intentionally hurt a person’s feelings, you may not be writing a very good story. And yet, you should be truthful… so there’s a big ol’ writing dilemma for ya. You must find that balance of fairness and honesty. (And good luck! That’s one of the biggest challenges I face in my story, and I have not yet figured out how to deal with it.)

---

This list isn’t exhaustive, of course, but it ought to get some ideas going in your noodle. These things helped me get going, anyway. If you have a story to tell—and really, who doesn’t?—get busy telling it. WRITE.

If you’re a blogger and want to do our blog challenge with us, let me know and I’ll send you our list! Otherwise, tune in here (and on Sherilee’s happy little blog) every day in September!

May 12: April in review

May is almost half over and I’m finally, finally posting my summary of April 2013.

Special days I celebrated this month and how:

• Lots of friends and family members had birthdays, but there wasn’t any excessive celebrating.
• On April 1, which actually had nothing to do with the fact that it was April Fool’s Day, we toured the Queen Mary and the Princess Diana exhibit before flying home from our mostly-Disney vacation. The Diana thing was fascinating—lots of royal family history, handwritten items, gifts, and clothing Diana wore. They didn’t allow photography or I would’ve filled my memory card with pictures and showed ‘em to ya.
• Jack’s class celebrated Arbor Day with a tree planting near the school. It involved a lot of mud and eating of worms and I’m oh-so-glad I wasn’t a chaperone that day.

Books I read this month:

• I LOVED Let’s Explore Diabetes with Owls, by David Sedaris. BUT THEN! Then I also got to SEE him! Val and I went to the Portland stop on his current tour. His storytelling is nothing short of genius. I loves me those belly laughs.
• I re-started reading Falling Together, by Marisa de los Santos. I like her writing style, but I’m having a tough time not falling asleep whenever I start reading this book. It’s just not even a little bit entertaining to me. I’ll read another few chapters but if it’s still blah, I’ll give up.
• We had a Moms’ Book Exchange party as part of the reading incentive program we ran at school. I came home with a grocery bag full of new reading material! Such potential!

Movies and TV shows worth mentioning:

• Victor and I started re-watching the entire Arrested Development series so we can be prepared for the new Netflix episodes on May 26. That show has so much funny. So much.
• I feel like Smash has been trying to make me stop watching all season. I tell ya, casting Kathie Lee Gifford for a guest spot is on the right path to a boycott! I cannot abide that woman. The episode made me gag. No joke.
• It’s looking like several shows I’ve been watching this seasons may be cancelled. Keeping my fingers crossed, but just for some of the best ones…
• We rented Iron Man and Iron Man 2 because I thought the trailer for Iron Man 3 looked really good. I liked the first two movies, and hope to see the newest one soon.
• I thought Argo was very well done.
• This wasn’t a TV show, but we hosted Presto the Magician for a family night at the school in April. He was a huge hit, of course. My favorite part *might* have been when I asked him beforehand if he would come out to “The Final Countdown” and he totally knew what I meant! Bonus points if you know too.
  
• Also not a movie or TV show, Victor and I saw Rain, a Beatles tribute show. Very fun.

This month’s disappointments:

• More dental work. Pfffft.
• I’m seeing the light at the end of the PTO tunnel; my presidential term ends June 30. There’s a solid board in place for next year, and I know they’ll do an amazing job, and it almost bums me out because I won’t be working with them. I’ll get over it, I’m sure. It’ll be good to get my life back. Still, I get the sad face sometimes.
  
• Jack started football again. If you’ve been paying attention, you know how that makes me feel.
• I slipped and fell on the stairs, messed up my back, and felt like I was 90 for a few days. Another day my toe got stuck while putting on my pants and I fell over; landed hard on my knee. Injuries to 90-year-olds do not heal quickly. I’m very limp-y.
• A dear friend got a cancer diagnosis. Cancer sucks so much.
  

My accomplishments:

• Thanks to recent weekends of good weather, we started working in the front yard. So many weeds! It’s lovely to see the new blooms, the perennials coming back to life, and the color from newly-planted annuals, though, and Vic and I love working out there together. There’s one thing we disagree on, though: I love ground cover and he is wrong.
• Add something else to my “Things I Saw on Pinterest That I Actually Did” list! I painted our mantle and fireplace surround. I took a “before” picture but the “after” picture needs a little work before I’m ready to show it off. Y’know, the corralling of cords and cables, that prettying-up sort of thing.

Anything else:

This is a weird optical illusion. Follow the directions (I promise it’s not one of those images you stare at forever and then it screams at you).

1. Stare at the red dot on the girl’s nose for 30 seconds
2. Turn your eyes towards the wall/roof or somewhere else on a plain surface
3. Keep blinking your eyes quickly

 

And a chuckle:

Have a good (rest of) May!

Jun. 28: Read between the lines

Here are a bunch of things separated by lines.

---

This is pretty much exactly how I feel right now.

We watched The Hangover the other night. Val told us we were the only people on earth who haven’t seen it, and she loaned us the DVD and we watched it and it was funny and now I want to talk about it but nobody wants to talk about it because the sequel is out now and everybody’s talking about that instead but Tina told me it’s got a lot of wieners in it and I don’t know if I’ll see it in the theater because we so rarely go to movies in theaters and when we do it tends to become a family event and I don’t want to take my kids to see The Hangover Part II because I am a better parent than that… maybe.

---

Dan posted the link to this David Sedaris piece on my FB wall today. My favorite part is about how he signed Judith’s book. I’m sure I’ve told the story before about when Sally went to a Sedaris show. She had been waiting in line forever to have him sign her book and Presley, who was a baby at the time, insisted they leave. Sally gave her book to her brother, who stayed in line for her. When he gave it back to her, she saw Sedaris had signed it, “It was nice to meet your brother.”

---

Tony posted this quote to Facebook this morning. This is truth:

---

Here’s a peek into my psyche that kinda explains why it’s so hard for me to get anything done around the house:

1. I decide I need a bulletin board for my office, but I don’t want an ugly bulletin board. It has to be bulletin board-like, though, because I need to hang stuff right in my face(ish) so’s I don’t forget whatever it is that’s important enough to hang right in my face(ish).
2. I buy a sheet of foam core. Foam core isn’t a bulletin board! I can still hang stuff on it, though. Perfect!
3. I decide the foam core isn’t sturdy enough. I hang lots of things.
4. I buy square sheets of cork to cover the foam core. That oughta strengthen it.
5. I decide putting cork on the foam core will ultimately look just like any old bulletin board and I am trying to avoid the bulletin board look. I forget things easily.
6. I take samples of my office colors to many fabric stores looking for a matchy-matchy fabric to cover the cork.
7. It takes two days too long.
8. I finally find the right fabric.
9. I find the right fabric just before our big party, and while tidying up I put it in a closet and forget about it.
10. I remember I bought the fabric but forget where I’d put it.
11. I remember where I’d put it—it is with the square sheets of cork. Dur.
12. I discover that the cork sheets are a different size than the foam core and I’ll have to cut them to fit. Have you ever cut cork? It’s totally messy and leaves an uneven edge. Even with fabric covering it, it’ll be hideous. I put everything back in the closet, and the bulletin board(ish) thing goes on hold.
13. I find a bulletin board for super-cheap at IKEA, and make a note to get it.
14. I remember I don’t want a plain ol’ bulletin board. Haven’t we already gone over this? UGLY.
15. I discover many different styles of magnet boards at IKEA. I vow to check them out.
16. I forget to check them out.
17. On my visit to IKEA with Sherilee last week, I remember the magnet boards. I pick one out. I do not get the PØØPLÎ magnet board. Only dorks get the PØØPLÎ. I get a SPONTAN. When I get home, I set my new SPONTAN on the dining room table. It’s thin and very flat, and I forget it is there. I don’t turn the dining room light on very often, obvy.
18. Yesterday I remember that I purchased a magnet board. When Vic gets home from work I ask him to hang it for me.
19. He goes to change his clothes first and falls asleep.
20. I wake him, but not at all in a screechy WHERE DID YOU GO WHAT ARE YOU DOING HOW THE HELL DID YOU FALL ASLEEP THAT FAST WHY AREN’T YOU HANGING MY MAGNET BOARD??? way.
21. Hanging the magnet board requires a stud finder, laser level, drill, and apparently a lot of curse words, but eventually Victor gets my magnet board on the wall. Yay!
22. Now there is a big black circle in my peripheral vision. It’s okay; it’s supposed to be there.
23. The big black circle magnet board has nothing on it because I have no magnets for it. It might as well be sitting on the dining room table, or on the shelf at IKEA, really, for all the good it’s doing me.
24. I decide that, rather than using random refrigerator magnets, I want something pretty. This will require some pondering. I decide to sleep on it.
25. Because if I don’t have the perfect magnets for my magnet board, why bother?
26. After said pondering, I decide this morning that the magnets for my magnet board absolutely must be matchy-matchy with the other colors in my office. And so it begins again…

And this, my friends, is just one of the many reasons I hate myself.

---

Happy Tuesday, y’all.

Sep. 28: The funny is oh-so-good

I drove I-205 between Sunnyside Road and Washington Street at least four times today, possibly more. So why can’t I remember? These are just a few of the things that happened to me today:

• I hurried out of the house this morning and found a truck and trailer blocking our driveway and a weird piece of machinery set up next to my car. I blame the guys who are tearing up all the yards in the neighborhood right now.
• I got to the school just in time to train volunteers about our school safety procedures but-cept no volunteers showed up. Oh well. They’ll be calling me in a panic after they’ve committed to chaperoning a field trip in a couple weeks, and I’ll tell them I was there and they weren’t, and maybe, if I can find some time, I’ll run another training session, but only if I can find some time. Or maybe I’ll not be a bitch and train them whenever they need to be trained.
• That “poem” I wrote about second graders? I forwarded it to Jack’s teacher. Just as I clicked “send” I remembered that I called one of Jack’s classmates an a-hole. Sharing this “poem” with Jack’s teacher was probably not my wisest decision ever.
• I saw a dude walking on Sunnyside with a long, white fluffy tail. Sunshine said she’s seen him before too. So many questions. I know not where to begin.
• I went to work and the office door was locked. It was kinda like a sign that maybe I was not meant to do any work today. Victor thinks I only believe in God when it’s convenient for me. I say he should probably keep those thoughts to himself, because God is vengeful and She’ll be coming after him if he’s wrong.
• My mom got lost in the parking lot in which I said I’d meet her, and I swear she climbed a cyclone fence and then told me she totally didn’t. I don’t believe her but she treated me to lunch so I think I’ll forgive the transgression. But it kinda took me by surprise; when was the last time your mom climbed a fence and then lied about it? (Kath, I gotcher answer right here.)

Can you see why I’m a little bit scattered today?

OK, so the driving back and forth, back and forth. The nice thing about being on the road a lot, especially without the kids, is that I take the opportunity to listen to David Sedaris on tape (mp3, CD, whatev). And one particular piece, Solution to Saturday’s Puzzle, in which he reads to an audience about sitting next to a woman on a plane who immediately hates his guts, made me LOL. In fact, it almost made me ROFLMAO but I was driving so the ROF part would be a bit of an exaggeration. Stuff that makes me LOL and/or ROFLMAO is stuff that, of course, I need to share with you. This whole thing is about 20 minutes long; you can listen to it by clicking the PLAY button below, or you can download and listen to it when you have time—but I do suggest you make time, because it’s so awesome. And for you folks with little ears nearby, get your headphones.

 

Right-click to download ‘Solution to Saturday’s Puzzle’

 

You’ll be glad you did.

Aug. 26: Laugh, kookaburra

When my mom and I saw David Sedaris in May he read a story he said had just been bought by The New Yorker. It was about a kookaburra and featured his delightfully wacky sister, Amy, so I enjoyed it immensely. The New Yorker published the story last week. Check it out in all its kookaburra goodness.

(If you’re like me, you spent your childhood thinking “kookaburra” was one of those made-up words, like “Walla Walla” and “Timbuktu” and “Religious Right.” Nope. It’s a real thing. A bird, in fact. FYI.)

Aug. 13: Why I laugh while driving

My friends Lovely Lori H and Sherilee listen to David Sedaris on their iPods while they run (Lori) and work in the yard (Sher). I decided recently that I want to jump on that bandwagon. Not because I want to start running EVER, or working in the yard any more than I already do, but because sometimes I get tired of listening to Broadway musicals soundtracks. I know; that’s hard to believe.

I got all of David Sedaris’ available audio books and have put them on my iPhone. I can’t listen to them with the kids in the car because there is occasionally an unsavory word or four that I don’t think they need to hear. But when I’m alone in the car, I let the expletives fly. And I gotta tell ya, it’s the best. These are the kinds of books that can be read (or heard) over and over. Listening to them make driving fun. I’ve never not wanted to get out of the car like this before.

One of my favorites is David Sedaris Live at Carnegie Hall, because it’s not available in print. I also love listening to him read to an audience and hear their reactions. One of the funniest pieces he reads is about his experience with the Stadium Pal, which he also read on a Letterman appearance.

 

While looking for this video, I also found one from The Daily Show in 2008. It’s a good one too. Both of this videos are virtually swear-free.

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
David Sedaris
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Spinal Tap Performance

Jun. 10: I *am* a Lifetime movie

The good thing about today: I got to go to a David Sedaris reading with two friends. It was over-crowded but still a lot of fun. Everything he read was stuff he’d read at his Eugene show in April—though that reading was quite a bit longer—but he had all sorts of new breast milk stories. They made us think “yikes.” We ended our evening with dinner at Cheesecake Factory, and THAT, my friends, is what I call a perfect evening.

The bad thing about today: I fell on my face. Literally.

This afternoon I was recycling like a good earth-lover and on the way back in from the garage, I tripped. Don’t worry, my chin broke my fall. The first thing I thought was “Oh no! I’m going to miss David Sedaris!” and the second thing I thought was “Oh no! I broke all my teeth!” Glad to see I have my priorities straight. First, laughs. Second, dentistry.

Fortunately, I didn’t break a single tooth. I did, however, scrape up my arms, knees, and face. I ache all over like I’m super old, like 44 or something. And the garage floor no longer needs to be swept, because all the little rocks and dirt are now embedded in my flesh. I wish I was kidding.

Oh, how I wish I was kidding.

This photo just doesn’t do my injury justice. The chin bruise is the worst looking one, but there are some on my nose and near my eye too. And you can’t really see my ego very well, but I assure you it is also bruised. The fact that I look like a woman who’s been battered by her abusive husband is just icing on the cake.

Tonight I got a voice mail from my mom in which she was giggling so hard, I couldn’t tell if she was saying she one-upped me because she dropped the treadmill on her toe or she one-upped me because she dropped the treadmill on her nose. Please clarify, Mom, because one makes me feel kinda bad for you, and the other just makes me embarrassed to claim you.

May 15: Quick update

• Today I went on a field trip with Katie’s class and it was not fun.
• I finished “Almost Moon,” that book about the woman who kills her mother. I’m glad I’m done with it; it was disturbing and starting to give me freaky dreams. Don’t worry, Mom… I didn’t file anything away for “someday.” If anything, it made me grateful that you weren’t a mental case when I was growing up. I thought the book was actually quite good, but only because I couldn’t relate to the main character in any way whatsoever (thank god).
• I’m still sick as a dog. I’m coughing so hard, my teeth hurt. Katie says she keeps thinking I’m gonna puke, even though I assure her that it just sounds like I will. I hate the swine flu.
• Jack lost a tooth this morning at breakfast. He says it’s his eighth one but I’ve lost count because I’m a terrible mother. The good news is that his adult teeth are coming in nice and straight. Katie’s? Not so much.
• David Sedaris has a bunch of new tour dates and he’s coming to Portland next month.

I’ll write more tomorrow, I promise.

May 7: Thursday Thirteen #17

Here are 13 of the books I’ve read this year. Book title links go to their Amazon pages; additional links are to blog posts I’ve written about some titles. Several of these books have been made into movies, but I haven’t seen any of them.

1. The Teahouse Fire, by Ellis Avery. I just finished this one the other day. The story is told from the point of view of an American girl, raised in Paris, who is abandoned in Japan. Got that? It’s hard to imagine what it’d be like in her shoes, but the story moves quickly and the characters are well developed. There’s great detail about Japanese culture and specifically the significance of tea ceremony.
2. Me Talk Pretty One Day, by David Sedaris. In preparation for the reading I attended last month, I re-read most of Sedaris’ books. I recommend them, every one of them, because they will have you laughing out loud unless you’re made of stone.
3. Naked, by David Sedaris. Not so much reviewed as quoted here. Such a great book, as are all of his.
4. Atonement, by Ian McEwan. I did not enjoy this book. I tried, really. Never got into it.
5. The Color Purple, by Alice Walker. I read this right after seeing the stage musical on its tour through Portland. Good story, very well written, and easy to read. Tough subjects, yes, but told in an intriguing way that easily held my interest.
6. Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, by Jonathan Safran Foer. This is about a quirky kid whose father dies in the World Trade Center on 9/11. The boy finds a key in his dad’s belongings and begins a quest to find what the key unlocks. Along the way he meets fascinating people and makes friends, and ultimately is comforted by the answers he finds. It was tragic but heartwarming in many ways.
7. The Mermaid Chair, by Sue Monk Kidd. Ugh, I hated this book. Trash. Reviewed in January.
8. The Future of Love, by Shirley Abbott. Another 9/11 novel; this tells stories of a handful of people who are all connected in some way and how they deal with New York life in a post-9/11 era. Disappointing; it could have been hugely fascinating but never quite took hold.
9. Far From You, by Lisa Schroeder. Young adult novel, written in verse. Lisa used to be my Pampered Chef consultant, and now she’s an accomplished author of several genres of books. Cool, huh? Reviewed in January.
10. I Heart You, You Haunt Me, by Lisa Schroeder. This one is Lisa’s first young adult novel. Very quick read—also written in verse—and bittersweet story. Reviewed in January.
11. Life of Pi, by Yann Martel. This is one of the best books I’ve read in a while. If you’re looking for a unique and compelling story that leaves a lot of interpretation up to its reader, check it out. Reviewed in January.
12. Shopgirl: A Novella, by Steve Martin. This was very short (thank goodness) and a complete waste of time. It was trashy and not in the fun beach-read way.
13. The Cider House Rules, by John Irving. It took me a long time to get through this book—it’s a tough read—but it was incredibly detailed (in a good way) and thought-provoking. I recommend it.

If you’ve got any book recommendations, please share them in a comment. I’m always looking for new authors to read. Also, every time I blog about reading I try to remind y’all of the fabulous book trading site Bookins, which is where I get most of my books nowadays.

And what is Thursday-13? Read all about it here.

Apr. 30: Mistaken identity

The other day I wrote about seeing David Sedaris in Eugene on Friday night, and how he was introduced as “Peter Sedaris.” Incredibly embarrassing for the guy who made the mistake, but when one does not refer to one’s notes, those things happen.

This morning I Googled “Peter Sedaris” to see if I could find any other reviews of the Eugene show; right away I found a Willamette Week piece. No surprise; if any Portland paper’s going to review David Sedaris, it’s going to be WW. The writer mentioned the bad intro, as well as the election story. No mention of the ostrich/emu.

Nearly every other Google result was one reference after another to “Peter Sedaris” and the books he’s written, which, coincidentally, have the same titles as David Sedaris’ books. In fact, there were five pages of Google hits. Five.

Really? That many people make the same mistake?

The amusing part was how many of those hits were Facebook, MySpace, and Friendster profiles, in which the person wrote something like, “And I’ll read anything by Peter Sedaris!” That’s how you can tell someone’s a big fan, when they don’t even know the name of their favorite author.

Well, that’s enough of making fun of dummies today. Time to get back to my library. I’m re-reading all the Jeff Potter novels and just got to the part when he first goes to Hogwarts. These are the best books ever!

Apr. 27: More pigs, and lots to read

Lookie here! I’m still alive! But now I have company—EmCityGuy and Sherilee both have variations of the swine flu right along with me. I wonder if their spouses are making as much fun as them as mine is. I’ve been coughing on all the doorknobs in our room today, in hopes that he’ll find out for himself just how un-fun the swine flu is and maybe he shouldn’t tease his wife when she feels super-crappy.

I promised my mom last week I’d send her a link to the David Sedaris articles in the online version of The New Yorker magazine, and thought I might as well share it here so all y’all can read them too. This is a link to search results, so if you bookmark it, any newly published articles will show up whenever they’re available.

David Sedaris on The New Yorker

A piece published in 2007, Journey Into Night, is one I’ve written about before. Don’t miss it.

Apr. 25: He Talk Pretty One Day

Last night my mom and I went to hear David Sedaris at the Hult Center in Eugene. It was outstanding.

When we walked into the lobby, I looked to one side and saw he was at a table signing books. I had assumed he wouldn’t be doing any signing at this show—it was a ticketed event, set up much more like a concert than any previous author reading I’ve attended—so I was instantly irritated at myself for not bringing my pile of his books, or at least the most recent one. Upon seeing the line that had formed, though, I think I might not have wanted to stand in it as long as I would have had to. It was one of those European lines, where people just jump in wherever and even though the line keeps getting longer, I’m always at the end of it.

Instead, I stepped closer to the table and pulled out my phone to take a picture of him. The first one was a little blurry…

… so I stepped forward and took another.

Dang! Even blurrier! I was about to take another when a guy standing behind Mr. Sweatered Dude leaned over and said to me, “The sign says ‘no photos allowed.’” See that thing on the table? That’s the sign. It was right in front of me and I didn’t see it. I’m a total rule-follower when it comes to that kind of thing, so I felt like I should apologize to Mr. Sedaris, but then I thought it was too late and he probably already hated me anyway. I think he’s written stuff about how he doesn’t understand why people ignore signs that are big and impossible to miss and how those people should die.

Instead, Mom and I went in and sat down.

The show began with a representative of Wells Fargo coming out and blathering on about how they were a sponsor of the event and they got their start stage-coaching and our money’s safe with them and who knows what else because the guy seemed to have no idea what he was supposed to say even though he had notes. And then he welcomed everyone to the Peter Sedaris show.

I guess people were paying attention to the Wells Fargo guy after all, because they actually booed. I felt sorry for him because he was very obviously nervous and having a rough time EVEN THOUGH HE HAD NOTES. But Mr. Wells Fargo Representative, if there was ever a time to peek at those notes, that time is WHEN YOU ARE INTRODUCING THE AUTHOR. Gah!

When David Sedaris came out, he stepped up to the microphone and said cheerily, “Thank you, Dick!” Awesome.

He started out by reading a new piece he’d written about the U.S. presidential election and witnessing much of it from France, where he lives most of the year. Lots of jabs at Bush made it particularly funny—it wasn’t that it was so pro-Obama, but it was enough anti-Bush to satisfy the crowd.

He read another new piece that reminded me a lot of his Christmas letter in Holidays on Ice; this one was an e-mail thank-you for a coupon for two free pizzas that was given as a wedding gift. Like the Christmas letter, it was horrifying and hilarious all in one.

At this point he stopped reading and talked a bit about his 35-city book tour. He said that before he started the tour, he wrote eight new stories for it. I thought, WOW—what a bonus for his audiences, to hear new material that has not yet been published! He told some amusing anecdotes about some of the cities he’d been to so far, and mentioned seeing an emu that had been hit on the freeway between Portland and Eugene earlier that afternoon. I guess he and I had been traveling about the same time because I went by that scene too; there was a police car, three vehicles, a large feathery animal (I thought ostrich, he thought emu), and tons of feathers in the grassy median. One of the vehicles had obviously hit the beast, but the others looked undamaged. And as I had wondered when I drove past, David Sedaris wondered where on earth an emu would have come from to end up dead on the freeway. Of course, he told the story in a way that got applause and big laughs. I cannot.

Speaking of weird animals, the next piece he read was one he just sold to The New Yorker, about a kookaburra he “met” in Australia (sort of). It was very funny, of course, but also quite touching—watch for it to be published soon. He also read several journal entries from the past 15 or so years, “journal entries” being more like “hopefully fake stories for the sake of those in them.”

David Sedaris writes (and reads) with the kind of humor that makes you laugh until you cry or pee your pants or possibly both. He was totally worth the effort to drive two hours south, even though that drive included seeing a dead bird-like creature on the side of the road and its aftermath, which was almost comical in that it looked like an exploded down comforter.

It was one of my favorites of the cultural events I had scheduled in April. And I got to see my mom too! Everyone wins! Well, but-cept for the ostrich/emu thing.

What should be on your reading list:

Holidays on Ice (1997)

Naked (1998)

Me Talk Pretty One Day (2000)

Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim (2004)

When You Are Engulfed in Flames (2008)

Mar. 19: Disturbing mysteries

I’m working through my list of 100 books everyone should read, and as I’ve mentioned before, I can’t remember where I found it (but if you’re the least bit interested, it’s got a lot of the same books as the BBC list everyone’s been passing around Facebook). Sorry.

Some choices have been more entertaining than others, that’s for sure. It took me a long time to get through The Blind Assassin (not on the BBC list), and I felt worn out when I finally finished it. After that I enjoyed some lighter books and then tackled The Cider House Rules. Heavy, but oh-so-thought-provoking. Next came Atonement. Ugh. Atonement was even more frustrating than Assassin because not only was it slow-moving, it was boring as hell. I’m sorry; I don’t care how neat0 an heirloom vase is, it cannot possibly merit three pages’ description.

I took a break from the list and picked up something I knew I could truly savor: David Sedaris. Last week I re-read Me Talk Pretty One Day, and right now I’m halfway through Naked. Typically I prefer not to read the same author for two books in a row, but Sedaris is an exception because OH MY GODDESS, he is just the best.

Last night I read a couple chapters before bed and started laughing so hard I almost threw up. What was so funny, you ask? Just another tale from the Sedaris family. I tried to read it to Victor and he couldn’t understand a word because I was laughing and crying and coughing and gagging, and he just stared at me like I was a moron. Have you ever done that? Laughed so hard you thought you’d die (in a good way) and the person with you isn’t even cracking a smile? It’s kind of embarrassing.

So I’m taking a chance here, but I simply have to share. Hopefully your reaction will involve a little more than staring and no new tick marks in the “reasons to divorce Jen” column of that spreadsheet I know you’re always updating. Here goes:

[Mom and sister Lisa loved to study the newspaper and use the tricks they’d learned on detective shows to try to solve local crimes. They thought they were quite good at it.]

It was one thing to sit in front of the television second-guessing a third-rate detective program, but quite another to solve a real case. We were well into the summer reruns when our household was shaken by a series of very real crimes no TV detective could ever hope to crack. Someone in our family had taken to wiping his or her ass on the bath towels. What made this exceptionally disturbing was that all our towels were fudge-colored. You’d be drying your hair when, too late, you noticed an unmistakable odor on your hands, head, and face. If nothing else, life in the suburbs promised that you might go from day to day without finding shit in your hair. This sudden turn of events tested our resolve to the core, leaving us to wonder who we were and where we, as a people, had gone wrong. Soul-searching aside, it also called for plenty of hot water, gallons of shampoo, steel wool, industrial scrub brushes, and blocks of harsh deodorizing soap. The criminal hit all three bathrooms, pausing just long enough to convince the rest of us that it was finally safe to let down our guard. I might spend twenty minutes carefully sniffing the towel only to discover that this time the asshole had used the washcloth.

“Well,” my mother said, thumbing through the newspaper one Sunday morning, “the person doing this is one sick individual, that much we know for certain.”

“And they eat corn,” Lisa added, patting her head with a T-shirt. The most recent victim, she had washed her hair so many times it now resembled the wiry, synthetic mane of a troll doll.

Everybody had their theories but nobody had any hard evidence. Discounting my parents, that still left six children and my grandmother, all possible suspects. I eliminated myself, and because the towels were carefully folded, I excused my brother, who to this day cannot manage such a complex activity. It must smart to use a towel for such a delicate purpose. I watched as my family took their seats at the table, waiting for someone to cry out or flinch, but nothing came of it.

My mother and sister had always thought themselves so wily and smart, but when pressed for a suspect, they said only that this case was beneath them. If someone were to be murdered or kidnapped, they’d rise to the occasion and finger the guilty party within an hour. This particular case fell under the category of “aggravated mischief” and was therefore unworthy of their professional attention. Whoever it was would listen to their conscience and confess sooner or later. In the meantime, my mother would stock the linen closet with white towels. Case closed.

You’re probably not even chuckling, are you? Well, fine. You have permission to bite my big white butt. Get in line behind Victor.

Granted, my extreme enjoyment of this anecdote last night may have been a teensy bit influenced by the frosty greenish beverage I drank earlier in the evening. (See, Sherilee, I’m admitting it; I know you would have made the connection after I so abruptly abandoned our FB chat for some quality time with my blender. Sorry ‘bout that, by the way. When Midori calls, I answer.)

The parts of the towel story that really got me: “life in the suburbs,” “washcloth,” and “corn.”

Yikes. Here I go again.

Mar. 16: April’s lookin’ gooood

I don’t mean my BFF ♥April♥, who looks good-no-matter-what-why-do-I-even-like-her-anyway. I mean April, the month, is shaping up to be a busy and exciting month. Why, you ask? Let me count the ways.

1. The first thing, and I know that this is technically in March, but it’ll almost be April and will set the trend for all my entertaining activities: ♥Erin♥ and I are going to Heather Armstrong’s reading at Powells on March 30. Heather Armstrong is better known as Dooce, and is kind of the queen of all bloggers. She has just written a new book about her childbirth and postpartum depression experience, It Sucked and Then I Cried. I’m so looking forward to meeting her in person.
   
   
2. On April 9 we have another show in our Broadway in Portland series. This one is The Rat Pack Live at the Sands. Should be some great music.
   
   
3. My sister’s going to be in Oregon for a week mid-month, and we look forward to some quality time with her.
   
   
4. On April 19, ♥The Lovely Lori♥ and I are going to the Unwigged & Unplugged concert. If you haven’t heard about it, Christopher Guest, Michael McKean and Harry Shearer are appearing as themselves, performing music as their alter egos in This is Spinal Tap and as The Folksmen in A Mighty Wind.
   
   The Unplugged interview:
   
   
   
   One of the most memorable scenes from the movie This is Spinal Tap.
   
   
   
   One of my favorites of The Folksmen’s songs from A Mighty Wind:
   
   
   
   I’m crossing my fingers Harry Shearer will sneak in some of the voices he does on The Simpsons, just for kicks.
   
   I should add, too, that if you haven’t seen Spinal Tap, Waiting for Guffman, Best in Show, or A Mighty Wind, see them! If you enjoy the humor of The Office (both British and U.S. versions) you’ll love these movies.
   
   
5. On April 23 we’ll go to the last of our regular Broadway in Portland shows: Grease, with Taylor Hicks as Teen Angel. When I first heard he was going to be in it, I assumed he’d be Danny Zuko and I thought NO WAY is he right for Danny. He seems right for Teen Angel, though. But better than Frankie Avalon? Hmmmm…
   
   
6. I’ll be meeting my mom for the David Sedaris show in Eugene on April 24. If you’re not yet familiar with David Sedaris’ books, watch this (and also, what is wrong with you?). Here’s a perfect example of his style and subjects of humor:
   
   
   

There are other small things going on here and there, but these are the biggies on my calendar in April. It’s the best kind of exhausting schedule, wouldn’t you agree?

July 10: Laurie Notaro again

This morning I wrote about an author I recently discovered, Laurie Notaro. This evening I was looking around the 'net for more info about her and found out she lives in Eugene (Lori, I hope you won't hold that against her). The cool thing about this is that she may do more frequent readings in this area on her current book tour. I love going to author appearances; my favorites so far have been Armistead Maupin and Sarah Vowell. I'm hoping to see David Sedaris when he's in the northwest in October. Now Laurie Notaro's on my list too. Yay!

--Jen

Dec. 24: The Santa Land Diaries

If you've never heard David Sedaris tell of his experiences as "Crumpet," a Macy's Department Store elf at Christmastime, listen to the audio here, courtesy of NPR. It's about nine minutes long and totally worth it.

A bit of trivia: In the movie "Elf" (one of the best Christmas movies ever, IMO), when Buddy approaches Jovie she asks, "Did Crumpet put you up to this?" Coincidence? I think not.

We're getting ready for our traditional Christmas Eve dinner of Chinese food. Nummers. This year we've got 16 people around the table. Yikes. Come on by, and we'll serenade you with an exuberant "Fa ra ra ra ra..."

Happy Christmas Eve Day and many lovies!

Jen

Nov. 29: Don't miss the Bi-Polar Express

One of the things that is NOT fun about the holiday season is the grey weather in Portland. Bleah. Nothing like taking a perfectly pleasant time of year and mucking it up with blustery-ness.

How was your Thanksgiving? Ours was unusual this year. My mom invited us to Walla Walla for the holiday, but a couple weeks ago I realized that Vic would have to work the day after Thanksgiving and was on call for the weekend, so we'd either have to make the trip very short or drive separately. On Wednesday I met my mom halfway between Portland and WW and handed Katie and Jack over to her, then went back home to spend Thursday with Vic. This was the best solution I could think of so we could all be with family for the day. On Friday morning I drove up to WW by myself and spent the weekend at my mom's. We had a good time--didn't do much, but it was wonderful to just hang out and relax together. Katie and Jack love being at her place, visiting Nana, and playing at the great parks in town. Mom had LASIK surgery (she prefers not to say she "had her eyes done") a few days before all this and is doing really well.

When the kids and I got home Sunday evening we were greeted by a house lit up for Christmas! Vic had hung lights on the porch and trees and bought a few new decorative things, and it was fun to see everything all festive. We're no Griswolds, but we have some neighbors that are, and the kids love to drive or walk around our nearby streets to ooh and aah at all everyone else's handiwork.

One of my personal favorite activities this time of year is to make fun of people's Christmas lights. This is definitely not one of Vic's favorite seasonal activities, nor does he really enjoy that it is mine. Nevertheless, I rarely hesitate to comment on the crappy job some people do hanging lights. A whole section of the icicle lights is out? Oh well, hang 'em anyway. Every fourth or fifth bulb is dead? Meh, who cares, it's too much trouble to fix. All the light strings blink except one? Well, I am not going to try to find one of those lights with the red tip, just to make them all do the same thing! Then there are the houses with the light strings that aren't quite long enough (or are too long) for the house line, but instead of trying to even things up, the idiot hangers just leave it, assuming no one will drive by, point, and laugh. They obviously have not met me.

I know I sound witchy, Scroogey, psychotic, shallow, and Grinch-like, but I really do love Christmas. It's just the people that make it ugly that I think should be punished severely.

Cool things I recommend for Christmastime, or gift giving/receiving, or whatever:

• www.scrapbookpictures.com has some fun and unique photo gifts.
  
• TiVo. If you don't have one, get one. Or buy it for someone else. TiVo is the best invention in the history of the world, and I am not exaggerating one bit.
• An Amazon Wish List is a great way to keep track of stuff you want. And at this time of year, you can direct other people to it when they ask what you want. For the sake of those putting things under your tree this year, make a Wish List!
• The 2005 movie version of "The Producers" starts in late December. If it's anything like the Broadway show, it is not to be missed.
  
• www.photostamps.com, where you can order postage with your picture on it. No Hitler stamps, please.
• Starbucks gift cards. You can never have too many, and you can never give too many. If you receive one and you're not a coffee drinker, do not despair; they have a strawberries and cream frappuccino-like drink that is dee-lish. They also sell some decadent treats this time of year.
• Want to read some laugh-out-loud Christmas stories? Check out "Holidays on Ice," by David Sedaris. You'll pee.
• Online shopping tips: www.froogle.com, www.mysimon.com, www.bizrate.com, and other similar sites are fabulous for price comparisons. And check out coupon code sites like www.flamingoworld.com for more savings.
• You've probably seen them already, but they're worth watching again. These are the holiday movies I recommend this year: Love Actually, Christmas Vacation, White Christmas, Elf, A Christmas Story.

Here are pictures of Jack's fourth birthday party. Can't think of anything else for now.

--Jen