May 12: Stuff Jen loves

This pretty much covers today’s obsessions.

Happy windows-wide-open weather!

Jun. 28: Read between the lines

Here are a bunch of things separated by lines.

---

This is pretty much exactly how I feel right now.

We watched The Hangover the other night. Val told us we were the only people on earth who haven’t seen it, and she loaned us the DVD and we watched it and it was funny and now I want to talk about it but nobody wants to talk about it because the sequel is out now and everybody’s talking about that instead but Tina told me it’s got a lot of wieners in it and I don’t know if I’ll see it in the theater because we so rarely go to movies in theaters and when we do it tends to become a family event and I don’t want to take my kids to see The Hangover Part II because I am a better parent than that… maybe.

---

Dan posted the link to this David Sedaris piece on my FB wall today. My favorite part is about how he signed Judith’s book. I’m sure I’ve told the story before about when Sally went to a Sedaris show. She had been waiting in line forever to have him sign her book and Presley, who was a baby at the time, insisted they leave. Sally gave her book to her brother, who stayed in line for her. When he gave it back to her, she saw Sedaris had signed it, “It was nice to meet your brother.”

---

Tony posted this quote to Facebook this morning. This is truth:

---

Here’s a peek into my psyche that kinda explains why it’s so hard for me to get anything done around the house:

1. I decide I need a bulletin board for my office, but I don’t want an ugly bulletin board. It has to be bulletin board-like, though, because I need to hang stuff right in my face(ish) so’s I don’t forget whatever it is that’s important enough to hang right in my face(ish).
2. I buy a sheet of foam core. Foam core isn’t a bulletin board! I can still hang stuff on it, though. Perfect!
3. I decide the foam core isn’t sturdy enough. I hang lots of things.
4. I buy square sheets of cork to cover the foam core. That oughta strengthen it.
5. I decide putting cork on the foam core will ultimately look just like any old bulletin board and I am trying to avoid the bulletin board look. I forget things easily.
6. I take samples of my office colors to many fabric stores looking for a matchy-matchy fabric to cover the cork.
7. It takes two days too long.
8. I finally find the right fabric.
9. I find the right fabric just before our big party, and while tidying up I put it in a closet and forget about it.
10. I remember I bought the fabric but forget where I’d put it.
11. I remember where I’d put it—it is with the square sheets of cork. Dur.
12. I discover that the cork sheets are a different size than the foam core and I’ll have to cut them to fit. Have you ever cut cork? It’s totally messy and leaves an uneven edge. Even with fabric covering it, it’ll be hideous. I put everything back in the closet, and the bulletin board(ish) thing goes on hold.
13. I find a bulletin board for super-cheap at IKEA, and make a note to get it.
14. I remember I don’t want a plain ol’ bulletin board. Haven’t we already gone over this? UGLY.
15. I discover many different styles of magnet boards at IKEA. I vow to check them out.
16. I forget to check them out.
17. On my visit to IKEA with Sherilee last week, I remember the magnet boards. I pick one out. I do not get the PØØPLÎ magnet board. Only dorks get the PØØPLÎ. I get a SPONTAN. When I get home, I set my new SPONTAN on the dining room table. It’s thin and very flat, and I forget it is there. I don’t turn the dining room light on very often, obvy.
18. Yesterday I remember that I purchased a magnet board. When Vic gets home from work I ask him to hang it for me.
19. He goes to change his clothes first and falls asleep.
20. I wake him, but not at all in a screechy WHERE DID YOU GO WHAT ARE YOU DOING HOW THE HELL DID YOU FALL ASLEEP THAT FAST WHY AREN’T YOU HANGING MY MAGNET BOARD??? way.
21. Hanging the magnet board requires a stud finder, laser level, drill, and apparently a lot of curse words, but eventually Victor gets my magnet board on the wall. Yay!
22. Now there is a big black circle in my peripheral vision. It’s okay; it’s supposed to be there.
23. The big black circle magnet board has nothing on it because I have no magnets for it. It might as well be sitting on the dining room table, or on the shelf at IKEA, really, for all the good it’s doing me.
24. I decide that, rather than using random refrigerator magnets, I want something pretty. This will require some pondering. I decide to sleep on it.
25. Because if I don’t have the perfect magnets for my magnet board, why bother?
26. After said pondering, I decide this morning that the magnets for my magnet board absolutely must be matchy-matchy with the other colors in my office. And so it begins again…

And this, my friends, is just one of the many reasons I hate myself.

---

Happy Tuesday, y’all.

Mar. 14: A day for the girls

Katie and I had a girl-y day today. It’s been a long time since we’ve done anything special, just the two of us, and it was a lot of fun. Even though we had asked the boys to come along with us, we were glad they opted to stay home because boys tend to ruin stuff with their farting contests and overall boy-ness. 

Our first stop was Lisa Schroeder’s book reading/signing at Powell’s in Beaverton. On the drive over, Katie asked to listen to Jim Gaffigan, and I loved listening to her giggle in the back seat all the way there. Since his comedy is pretty clean, we let our kids listen to it on long drives and they “get” enough of it to make it fun. Jack can recite the whole hammock bit; Katie loves the part about bowling. It cracks me up, kind of a lot.

Anyway, we braved that awful weekend traffic in Beaverton and browsed at Powell’s for a while before we sat down to wait for the reading to begin. Lisa said “hi” before it started, and Katie was excited to get an official introduction. She kept telling me, very proudly, that Lisa is the second author she’s met—the first was Carmen Agra Deedy, who spoke at the school last year. Katie is so fascinated with books right now that this reading/signing was perfect timing. In fact, when Katie’s copy of It’s Raining Cupcakes arrived in the mail on Tuesday, she started reading it immediately and hasn’t stopped talking about it since. When she said this morning that she finally finished the book last night, she went on and on about how good it was, how I needed to read it because she just knows I would love it too, etc. Very cute.

Once Lisa was officially introduced by the Powell’s dude, she talked for a bit about how she came up with the idea for this book, her first published mid-grade novel. I love hearing all that background “secret”-y stuff that authors often share at their readings. She then read the first half of chapter two, answered questions, and served cupcakes to the kids. She did a great job making everything interesting for all ages, and I don’t think Katie stopped beaming the entire time we were there—she was absolutely thrilled to be in Lisa’s presence.

We got our books autographed, I snapped a photo of Lisa and Katie, we walked around Powell’s a little more, and then Katie and I took off for a late lunch at The Cheesecake Factory over at Washington Square. After lunch we walked around the mall a bit, found a LEGO treat to take home to Jack, and then headed back over to the po’ side o’ town with our take-out boxes full of cheesecake.

The sky was clear and Mt. Hood was lit up by the sun on the drive home. It was beautiful. Sitting there in the car with a newly signed book to read, my tummy full of Cheesecake Factory goodness, hearing my daughter chuckle at Jim Gaffigan, and seeing that gorgeous view of our mountain, I thought how lucky I am to have all these things. ‘Specially that girl of mine. She’s a sweetheart, and I can’t help but kinda love her.

Aug. 20: Because camping sucks

It’s shocking how many of my Facebook friends have been camping this summer. I thought the people I know were, for the most part, pretty normal. But apparently they’re more than a teensy bit insane. It saddens me. (Christina, RV/trailer camping is civilized, so I’m excluding you from my “crazy friends” list. You’re welcome.)

I think this video pretty well sums up what I think about camping, specifically the part where he gets up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom and says to his friends, “Anyone wanna come and get killed with me, or you wanna get killed lookin’ for me?”

 

What’s wrong with the indoors, anyway? Y’know, there are creepy-crawly things outside. You really want to sleep on them? And there’s weather. Plus there’s all that dirty dirt—my god, the dirt!

Jun. 25: Witty twitters

A couple of the entertainment-y blogs I follow regularly post a collection of celebrity twitters and I think they’re annoying as hell because most of these celebrities think they’re being funny but they’re not. Most of them need more than 140 characters to adequately express their true humor, or maybe they just need script writers. Or maybe they’re not trying to be funny at all. That could be it.

Of the celebrity twitterers I actually follow—the ones who are really, truly, who they claim to be—I think Jim Gaffigan is my favorite (duh). The other is Rainn Wilson (Dwight on The Office), who is probably more consistently funny than most celebrity twitterers, and even that is questionable; lately he re-tweets more than he writes original stuff.

Rather than share a boring collection of twitters from people you’ve heard of, I’m going to share a collection of amusing twitters from people you’ve probably never heard of. They’re way, way cooler. Links go to their twitter pages, where you can add them to your “follow” list. You shall not regret it.

Here are some of my favorite tweets from the past couple months.

gknauss Where would we be without big family gatherings? Some place happier, is my guess. Maybe we'd be taking a nap.

KatyDidSays Nephew threw a rock on my foot. I didn't punch him, but I did spike his juice with vodka. We'll see how he likes walking into walls.

secretsquirrel To the next guy who finds the cool telescope I fashioned out of toilet-roll cardboard tubes in the bathroom: you're welcome.

CcSteff Niece pops up from behind a chair and says "Here I am." Teaching her to follow it up with "Rock you like a hurricane."

strutting Point a gun at one person and you're a gunman. Menace 20 people with a churro and the damned local news still won't call you a churroman.

essdogg Only one thing could make me anti-gay marriage: David Gest outing himself and marrying Perez Hilton. Just imagine their poodles. *shudder*

fireland Woke up early and went for a run. Never thought I'd write those words but I also never thought the cops would find my meth lab.

secretsquirrel Blessed are the meek, for where the hell else would I get my lunch money.

jimgaffigan Ever seen someone on a unicycle and not wanted to push them over?

essdogg Boy: "I want candy." Me: "How about raisins?" Boy: "How about candy?" Dear Science: I believe I have isolated the smartass gene.

meowrey Lady walking behind me kept saying, "Good girl, good girl," over and over. I know she was probably talking to her dog, but I feel affirmed.

lonelysandwich I admire your healthy lifestyle. Which sort of makes me just as healthy as you, so get over yourself.

Moltz Came to the office clean-shaven for the first time in years. People were surprised. Mostly by the chaps, but how else would I show it off?

thedayhascome I've noticed the neighbor watch me undress and each time I think he's about to let me in, he opens the window and punches me off the ladder.

secretsquirrel Wasabi & toothpaste: it's like a party in my mouth and someone vomited in the lounge, then killed a stripper with a rake. Trust me on this.

essdogg If my wife didn't want me using the guest bathroom she shouldn't have made it so damn tranquil.

emilybrianna No matter how hard I try to make this the most traumatic event our family has ever endured, Quinn thinks his head lice are HILARIOUS.

fireland OK don't freak out, but someone broke into the house, ate all the ice cream, smashed that picture of your mother, and didn't do the dishes.

Moltz Karen: He had the dog locked in the basement and was spraying him with water through the cat door! Me: Ha-ha! [pause] Uh, I mean, *Hank!*

Moltz I'm *sorry*, ma'am, but if you don't want me to say "suck" around your child might I suggest you not dress him in a Yankees shirt. [Please replace “Yankees” with your own very hated team. –Jen]

gordonshumway I just ate a McGriddle and drank a large McCafe iced coffee, so I should be enjoying my first McAneurysm before lunch.

robcorddry Watching both kids. When people say "they grow up so fast" I want to slap them right in their bad memory.

Fine, you’re still interested in celebrity twitterers? You can find a whole bunch of ‘em at CelebrityTweet.

Apr. 15: Away We Go

I haven’t been to a grown-ups’ movie for a long time, so I haven’t seen many previews for upcoming movies that are supposed to appeal to me. Because I watch most TV on TiVo and forward through commercial breaks, I miss a lot of commercials for movies too. So the first time I hear about new movies is often when they have opened in theaters—am I the definition of “uninformed”? Yes.

I just heard about a new movie, Away We Go, today—it opens June 5—and it looks like lots of quirkiness and fun.

Plot Summary: Directed by Academy Award winner Sam Mendes ("American Beauty") from an original screenplay by Dave Eggers and Vendela Vida, this funny and heartfelt film follows the journey of an expectant couple (John Krasinski ["The Office"] and Maya Rudolph ["Saturday Night Live"]), as they travel the U.S. in search of the perfect place to put down roots and raise their family. Along the way, they have misadventures and find fresh connections with an assortment of relatives and old friends who just might help them discover "home" on their own terms for the first time. The movie features the music of Alexi Murdoch. (from comingsoon.net)

John Krasinski’s full beard and glasses scare me a teence. He looks like he should be building computers in his parents’ basement. But hopefully the amazing cast will make me forget about the beard, because there are some fabulous names involved with this movie. And yes, that’s Jim Gaffigan you see above. Hooray!

Apr. 11: S-A-TUR-DAY night

I hate trying to catch up when I haven’t blogged for a couple days. You probably haven’t noticed or even care (and for that you can bite my arse). I don’t know where to begin because I’ve been super busy and on the road and therefore have not had a chance to blog; it’s not that I have nothing to say. Not that that’s ever stopped me in the past…

I’m sitting here with Vic in my mom’s living room in Medford. She and my seester, who flew in yesterday, talked throughout the night, so they went to bed early tonight. I stayed up with them last night too, but gave up around midnight and went to bed so I got a decent night’s sleep. They were up again way too early this morning and as soon as I heard them I got my butt out here because when I’m not around I know they talk about me, I just know it.

Victor is going home tomorrow and taking the kids. I’m staying in Medford for another couple days. We don’t have too many plans but hope to have a bit of girly fun, see some extended family, and avoid Grandma.

Speaking of Grandma, she could hardly wait for Kathy to get over there this morning. Cut to me rolling my  eyes and screeching in my best impression of the old bat: “Kathy’s so wonderful! I haven’t seen her forever! I love her so much! I write her letters on clean paper! She’s the best granddaughter I could ever hope for! I get sad when I don’t see her! P.S., I hate her little bitch sister.”

Tomorrow morning Grandma, Uncle Paul and Claire are coming over for Easter brunch. I’m making the bodacious frit-ta-ta, with Grandma’s portion containing a special blend of drugs no one else has the guts to administer. I swear, they leave all the illegal stuff up to me. We’re all done with the woman, but who has to do the deed? Moi.

Well, in spite of the Grandma-ness of being in Medford, we’re all having a lovely time together. Kathy took the kids to Toys R Us today and pretty much told them to pick out anything they wanted, so I think they’re having the best time of all (Auntie Lovely Lori, you’ve got some competition!). We also did some shopping that was fun for the grown-ups; mostly I was looking for an excuse to be seen with the Coach purse my sister gave me last night. We love her even if she doesn’t shower us with gifts, but OH MY GOODNESS, the gifts definitely help.

Tomorrow we’ll start beading after brunch and probably not stop or shower until we run out of supplies. I know you wish you were here. So sorry.

Happy Bunny Day! My gift to you is this clip of Jim Gaffigan doing his bit on holiday traditions. Try not to pee yourself.

Mar. 12: More Jim

Because I love you (it’s true!) and don’t think you’ve laughed enough yet today:

Mar. 2: Bologna like a martini

Jim Gaffigan has a new Comedy Central special coming up at the end of the month. Here’s a preview so you can see why it’s so upsetting to me that TiVo only lets me schedule recordings two weeks in advance. If I forget, I just know I’ll die. Either that, or I’ll catch one of Comedy Central’s bajillion reruns of it.

Jan. 1: Your vote = bacon

I subscribe to Jim Gaffigan's MySpace blog because I love him and bacon. He promised that for every vote he gets for this Comedy Central thing he'll eat a piece of bacon. I don't believe him, but the thought made me feel hungry and generous. Also, I'm a big comedy nerd. So click this thing:

I did not like The Brothers Solomon (no, this is in no way related to the above topic). It was not a funny movie. It was stupid and I want those 91 minutes of my life back.

What a positive, uplifting start to 2008, huh?

Jan. 23: Because I'm a dork, that's why

Nov. 25: The Legion of Pale

How do I love TiVo?
Let me count the ways...

TiVo lets me go to bed at a decent hour because I can sleep whilst it records all the fabulous TV that airs in the wee hours. Then I can watch it at a reasonable hour. Before TiVo, I had to stay up to watch late-night TV, and then I wouldn't get enough sleep and I'd yell at the kids a lot.

Ergo, TiVo makes me a better mom.

Alright, that might be pushing it a little.

If you haven't seen Pale Force on Late Night with Conan O'Brien, you're missing out. These are little animated webisodes starring that "pale fella" Jim Gaffigan (one of my favorite comedians) and Conan (also portrayed by Jim) as superheroes who fight crime with their paleness. And they shoot lasers from their nipples. Tooooooootally makes sense.

Honestly, the shows are pretty funny. Conan wets himself often, and really, what's funnier than an animated pants pee-er?

If you don't have TiVo and don't like to stay up late, check out the Pale Force web site to catch up on all the episodes.

Also, if you don't have TiVo, why not? Don't you listen to anything I say? Do you think I write all this stuff for my own entertainment? Huh?

J.