I promise I’m not going to start re-running all my old posts, but this popped up in Timehop this morning and I just had to share it. Again. Here are funny tweets from five-ish years ago. They made me LOL this morning.
MikeyADHD MOMMY DOESN'T LET ME KEEP TWO OF THE SAME HAPPY MEAL TOYS CAUSE SHE KNOWS I WILL SET ONE OF THEM ON FIRE.
fireland You ever get drunk and buy something online but forget all about it until she shows up on your porch, yelling something in Russia-talk?
CranberryPerson Almost barfed on my morning run. Dunno if it was because I've been sick for weeks, or if I had too much red wine for breakfast.
lonelysandwich Really, Art Linkletter? I've heard darnder.
This is Stephen Colbert: StephenAtHome these boots were made for walking as well as kicking over office chairs when my assistant brings the wrong coffee
I don’t know if the links to their Twitter profiles still work. I guess you’ll just have to click and see.
Moltz Oh, the things these walls would say if they could talk! Same thing with the gagged hostages! And if I untie them, oh, the places they'd go!
secretsquirrel Listen, it says right here "Petting Zoo" and 'heavy' IS a kind of petting so either leave us alone or help me get this llama's bra off.
wordlust The worst threat to a marriage isn’t the seven-year itch—it’s the two-and-a-half-year skidmark.
biorhythmist Are you not familiar with the concept of a wet nurse? Anyway, I'll give your baby back if you apologize for yelling at me in the food court.
biorhythmist Oh, ANISE. Sorry, yeah, that's why these cookies taste horrible.
If they do work, and if you check in at Twitter once in a while, you’ll do your laugh-er good to follow them.
CranberryPerson My dad taught me how to throw a baseball. I taught my son that you can get 1ups if Mario repeatedly jumps on the same turtle shell.
sween My wife leaves for girls' night. I go upstairs and put the toilet seat up. Just to remember I can. Then I put it down. I'm not an idiot.
strutting Crap. Just toppled my pile of clothes. I didn't know that was a load-bearing sweater.
Moltz I'm pleased to report that tonight at dinner Hank figured out the most important rule of football: "The Cowboys smell like poopie monkeys."
GorillaSushi Sometime you want to do GREAT things with your life. Then you DO THEM! And then you think "maybe homemade hot dogs weren't the best idea".
I don’t do Twitter much these days. These make me think I need to change that.
CranberryPerson I had to promise my kid I wouldn't play Mario while he was sick in bed, and now he's playing without me! AIN'T NO WII AT MILITARY SCHOOL.
samhey I'm about to get savage up in this bitch. And by 'get savage' I mean clip my toenails and by 'bitch' I mean adorable terrycloth bathrobe.
biorhythmist Can you believe this guy watching porn on the bus over my shoulder?
sween How to wear a fedora: 1) Be Indiana Jones. 2) Stop chuckling. I'm serious. 3) Hey. Numbnuts. You're not Indiana Jones. Take it off.
luckyshirt SCIENCE FACT: If you took all of the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.
I do loves the funnies.
hotdogsladies When I sautée green peppers, I often remove the tiny slivers from the sticker I forgot to remove. That's how you know I'm a "foodie."
phillygirl Had full-fat salad dressing & did not immediately become obese. I'm baffled. Also, it tasted like...flavor? Yes, that must have been flavor.
copyblogger Funniest country song lyric ever: "I'm at home getting hammered while she's out getting nailed."
CranberryPerson The three Ms of parenting: McDonald's, movies, and I forget the other one but who cares because 67% is still a passing grade most places.
Zaius13 Submitting a picture of Mickey Rourke to crappytaxidermy.com.
But I already waste too much time on social media.
cpinck Who’s got two thumbs and might be doing this police lineup wrong?
EffingBoring You'll be *falling* in love to the rhythm of a steel drum band? So you aren't *in* love yet? WHY DID YOU AGREE TO GO TO KOKOMO WITH THIS GUY
MrBigFists Looking at my resume. Says here, I left a job in 95 due to "Gross Incontinence." That can't be right... Oh. Yeah. No, that's totally right.
wigu Women. They don't want you to sing about poop, and they don't want you to sing about NOT singing about poop.
bcompton For every communicable disease I get from my son that he got from school, I teach him a new swear.
OK, just a few more…
FakeAPStylebook Avoid corporate buzzwords such as "paradigm" and "synergy." Simply use "bullshit."
paul_e_wog I *hate* traveling. They're all "take off your shoes!", "take off your belt!", "no fluids!" It's like TSA hired all of my ex-girlfriends.
adamisacson They say 1 glass of wine a day is good for your heart. But what about 7 glasses of wine once a week? I'll let you know how that works out.
CranberryPerson My three year old just berated some toys for being "nerds." Dunno where he learned that, but I can never let him see my old yearbooks now.
exframebuilder On public toilet wall, "My mother made me a homosexual." Underneath, "If I bought the yarn, could she make one for me."
Just kidding. There are lots more.
gordonshumway I always get chloroform confused with chlorophyll. This guy I kidnapped is awake and angry but his leaves have never been more lush.
MooeyTie Sorry about that accidental flatulence, WalMart. Although, I'm pretty confident that you won't notice.
CranberryPerson Asking guests to make donations in lieu of gifts for a 7 yr old's birthday party will teach the kid an important lesson- get better parents.
_loveclaire It's not that I hate my downstairs neighbors, I just want to put them on a rocket ship and aim it at a giant planet made entirely of shit.
phillygirl Boy with toy laptop sits next to me w/my real one. "I brought mine,too," he says. I warn him about the patchy wifi. He nods in appreciation.
For realsies, now, I’m almost done.
FakeAPStylebook Don't use two words when you can use one, unless those two words are "chainsaw duel" because that's awesome, dude.
Dogphorisms Humans call it a gerbil cage, but it’s a mesmerizing combination of TV, the Internet, and a lunch box to me.
FanEffingTastic No sweetie, we don't call it "drunk" anymore. Mommy is just alcohol enhanced.
ladawn Nothing like parent drop-off in the rain to make you...OMG MOVE YOU ASSHOLE...oh, sorry Ms. Jones, see you at parent-teacher conference!
Dogphorisms Oh garbage can lid, foul garbage can lid... Merciless gatekeeper of heaven! What did I ever do to you?
This is the last bunch. Promise.
essdogg Paula Deen just discarded the egg whites and kept the yolks. Run away with me, you sexy minx, you!
fireland YOU KNOW I DON'T LIKE BEING INTERRUPTED DURING SOUR CREAM TIME
MooeyTie Isn't it possible that there actually were chocolate covered candy hearts to give away, but Stevie Wonder just couldn't see them?
lafix Lube, batteries, wine & a wheel of Brie are the ingredients of homemade shark repellent when a nosy kid looking in your cart asks.
fireland Woke up in the ball pit at McDonald's, underwear full of dollar bills. So far, best birthday ever.
It feels like winter in Portland today, but it looks like summer so I’ll take it. Not a bad way to (almost) end January.