Jan. 30: Chuckle rerun

I promise I’m not going to start re-running all my old posts, but this popped up in Timehop this morning and I just had to share it. Again. Here are funny tweets from five-ish years ago. They made me LOL this morning.

MikeyADHD MOMMY DOESN'T LET ME KEEP TWO OF THE SAME HAPPY MEAL TOYS CAUSE SHE KNOWS I WILL SET ONE OF THEM ON FIRE.

fireland You ever get drunk and buy something online but forget all about it until she shows up on your porch, yelling something in Russia-talk?

CranberryPerson Almost barfed on my morning run. Dunno if it was because I've been sick for weeks, or if I had too much red wine for breakfast.

lonelysandwich Really, Art Linkletter? I've heard darnder.

This is Stephen Colbert: StephenAtHome these boots were made for walking as well as kicking over office chairs when my assistant brings the wrong coffee

I don’t know if the links to their Twitter profiles still work. I guess you’ll just have to click and see.

Moltz Oh, the things these walls would say if they could talk! Same thing with the gagged hostages! And if I untie them, oh, the places they'd go!

secretsquirrel Listen, it says right here "Petting Zoo" and 'heavy' IS a kind of petting so either leave us alone or help me get this llama's bra off.

wordlust The worst threat to a marriage isn’t the seven-year itch—it’s the two-and-a-half-year skidmark.

biorhythmist Are you not familiar with the concept of a wet nurse? Anyway, I'll give your baby back if you apologize for yelling at me in the food court.

biorhythmist Oh, ANISE. Sorry, yeah, that's why these cookies taste horrible.

If they do work, and if you check in at Twitter once in a while, you’ll do your laugh-er good to follow them.

CranberryPerson My dad taught me how to throw a baseball. I taught my son that you can get 1ups if Mario repeatedly jumps on the same turtle shell.

sween My wife leaves for girls' night. I go upstairs and put the toilet seat up. Just to remember I can. Then I put it down. I'm not an idiot.

strutting Crap. Just toppled my pile of clothes. I didn't know that was a load-bearing sweater.

Moltz I'm pleased to report that tonight at dinner Hank figured out the most important rule of football: "The Cowboys smell like poopie monkeys."

GorillaSushi Sometime you want to do GREAT things with your life. Then you DO THEM! And then you think "maybe homemade hot dogs weren't the best idea".

I don’t do Twitter much these days. These make me think I need to change that.

CranberryPerson I had to promise my kid I wouldn't play Mario while he was sick in bed, and now he's playing without me! AIN'T NO WII AT MILITARY SCHOOL.

samhey I'm about to get savage up in this bitch. And by 'get savage' I mean clip my toenails and by 'bitch' I mean adorable terrycloth bathrobe.

biorhythmist Can you believe this guy watching porn on the bus over my shoulder?

sween How to wear a fedora: 1) Be Indiana Jones. 2) Stop chuckling. I'm serious. 3) Hey. Numbnuts. You're not Indiana Jones. Take it off.

luckyshirt SCIENCE FACT: If you took all of the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.

I do loves the funnies.

hotdogsladies When I sautée green peppers, I often remove the tiny slivers from the sticker I forgot to remove. That's how you know I'm a "foodie."

phillygirl Had full-fat salad dressing & did not immediately become obese. I'm baffled. Also, it tasted like...flavor? Yes, that must have been flavor.

copyblogger Funniest country song lyric ever: "I'm at home getting hammered while she's out getting nailed."

CranberryPerson The three Ms of parenting: McDonald's, movies, and I forget the other one but who cares because 67% is still a passing grade most places.

Zaius13 Submitting a picture of Mickey Rourke to crappytaxidermy.com.

But I already waste too much time on social media.

cpinck Who’s got two thumbs and might be doing this police lineup wrong?

EffingBoring You'll be *falling* in love to the rhythm of a steel drum band? So you aren't *in* love yet? WHY DID YOU AGREE TO GO TO KOKOMO WITH THIS GUY

MrBigFists Looking at my resume. Says here, I left a job in 95 due to "Gross Incontinence." That can't be right... Oh. Yeah. No, that's totally right.

wigu Women. They don't want you to sing about poop, and they don't want you to sing about NOT singing about poop.

bcompton For every communicable disease I get from my son that he got from school, I teach him a new swear.

OK, just a few more…

FakeAPStylebook Avoid corporate buzzwords such as "paradigm" and "synergy." Simply use "bullshit."

paul_e_wog I *hate* traveling. They're all "take off your shoes!", "take off your belt!", "no fluids!" It's like TSA hired all of my ex-girlfriends.

adamisacson They say 1 glass of wine a day is good for your heart. But what about 7 glasses of wine once a week? I'll let you know how that works out.

CranberryPerson My three year old just berated some toys for being "nerds." Dunno where he learned that, but I can never let him see my old yearbooks now.

exframebuilder On public toilet wall, "My mother made me a homosexual." Underneath, "If I bought the yarn, could she make one for me."

Just kidding. There are lots more.

gordonshumway I always get chloroform confused with chlorophyll. This guy I kidnapped is awake and angry but his leaves have never been more lush.

MooeyTie Sorry about that accidental flatulence, WalMart. Although, I'm pretty confident that you won't notice.

CranberryPerson Asking guests to make donations in lieu of gifts for a 7 yr old's birthday party will teach the kid an important lesson- get better parents.

_loveclaire It's not that I hate my downstairs neighbors, I just want to put them on a rocket ship and aim it at a giant planet made entirely of shit.

phillygirl Boy with toy laptop sits next to me w/my real one. "I brought mine,too," he says. I warn him about the patchy wifi. He nods in appreciation.

For realsies, now, I’m almost done.

FakeAPStylebook Don't use two words when you can use one, unless those two words are "chainsaw duel" because that's awesome, dude.

Dogphorisms Humans call it a gerbil cage, but it’s a mesmerizing combination of TV, the Internet, and a lunch box to me.

FanEffingTastic No sweetie, we don't call it "drunk" anymore. Mommy is just alcohol enhanced.

ladawn Nothing like parent drop-off in the rain to make you...OMG MOVE YOU ASSHOLE...oh, sorry Ms. Jones, see you at parent-teacher conference!

Dogphorisms Oh garbage can lid, foul garbage can lid... Merciless gatekeeper of heaven! What did I ever do to you?

This is the last bunch. Promise.

essdogg Paula Deen just discarded the egg whites and kept the yolks. Run away with me, you sexy minx, you!

fireland YOU KNOW I DON'T LIKE BEING INTERRUPTED DURING SOUR CREAM TIME

MooeyTie Isn't it possible that there actually were chocolate covered candy hearts to give away, but Stevie Wonder just couldn't see them?

lafix Lube, batteries, wine & a wheel of Brie are the ingredients of homemade shark repellent when a nosy kid looking in your cart asks.

fireland Woke up in the ball pit at McDonald's, underwear full of dollar bills. So far, best birthday ever.

It feels like winter in Portland today, but it looks like summer so I’ll take it. Not a bad way to (almost) end January.

Jan. 25: Funny pitchers

Here are a bunch of images I’ve been collecting to share witcha. Otherwise, I got nothin’.

 

When my life is chaotic but utterly uninteresting to outsiders, I like to pretend I came up with all that stuff on my own. It’s way less pathetic than reality. Have a great week, friends!

Oct. 5: Funny tweets

Browsing around previous posts to my blog, I ran into this one from 2010. I can’t resist re-running these tweets because they made me LOL several times and I bet they’ll make you LOL too.

wordlust: It is terrible to take away hope; it is worse to take away chocolate fudge brownie cookie cake.

wordlust: “Hulk smash!” has a better ring to it than “Hulk pee bed!”

thedayhascome: The worst part of wearing a cape is the toilet.

fireland: Just bought a little wedding chapel for my model train set. Someday I'll get married there and SHUT UP MA YOU DON’T KNOW SHIT

wordlust: Proctologists should offer exorcisms. If you’re already wrist-deep, pulling out a gerbil, why not scoop out some demons too?

adamisacson: "Wow, this is a dirty kitchen!" exclaimed our 5-year-old's friend, here for a playdate. Still, he finished his bowl of lead paint chips.

See, funny, right? I knew you’d agree. Keep reading.

TheBloggess: Dear BCBGMAXAZRIA: Your brand name is exactly what happens when I pass out on my keyboard.

FarkerPeaceboy: I think what I look forward to most with the Rapture is, as I slowly ascend towards Heaven, peeing on the heads of dirty heathens down below

adamisacson: 5-year-old, waving crayon at me: "I'm coloring you." Me: "Funny, I don't _look_ colored." Oh, hi, fellow restaurant patrons. Nice glares.

gknauss: Alcohol and self-loathing don't mix. Alcohol and heavily-salted peanuts, though, are great. Self-loathing and peanuts aren't bad, either.

nonsequiturific: All Points Bulletin: Dyslexic zombie on the loose. Persons named Brian urged to proceed with utmost caution.

CranberryPerson: It was a perfect combination of foul-mouth tendencies and poor listening skills that led my 3 year old to call my 6 year old a "bustard."

I wasn’t wrong, was I?

essdogg: If your wife tells you to "shut your hole" then, no matter how great or numerous your comeback options are, just keep shutting your hole.

nonsequiturific: Walking around in a Snuggie on slippery hardwood floors can be tricky, but fortunately I have the coordination of an ambulance-needer.

fireland: I think when you see how happy Daddy is on his new jet ski with his new chest hair you'll forget all about wanting to go to college.

adamisacson: I microwaved an "organic breakfast burrito" without stopping halfway to turn it. It was gross! So I followed the directions. It was gross!

lonelysandwich: McGriddle breakfast sandwich, you're on my list. (Incidentally, my list is of foods pee still smells like ten hours after eating them.)

wordlust: Sometimes you have to forget your worries, put on your dancing shoes, and stomp some smurfs to death.

You can pretend you haven’t chuckled yet, but I know you have.

adamisacson: If you've ever voted against new funding for public schools, it's you I'm thinking of as I stand in the self-checkout line.

gknauss: Our disability insurance uses the logo "DI@WORK," or "Die at work." Sometimes, inviting the smart-ass to the meetings is a good idea.

gknauss: We had a fire drill at work, and I panicked and resorted to cannibalism while we were walking down the stairs. Boy, is _that_ embarrassing.

Dogphorisms: If we can put a man on the moon, we can put a dog on the kitchen table. Come on, NASA.

wordlust: Bedhead is bad. Bedpanhead is worse.

Dogphorisms: Unless your homework is a sandwich, a hamster, or that awesome pair of panties, "the dog" did not eat it.

You’re smiling. I can see it.

InSoOutSo: Good morning, pancake frosting. I'm glad I invented you.

hotdogsladies: Hate that part of a cold where you cough and it tastes like Glenn Beck's soul.

essdogg: I'd love to host a spinoff of "This Old House" called "This Old House Is Falling Down Because the Owner Is A Lazy Jackass."

fireland: Superman wears a cape and underwear and everyone's all "yay" but I do it and you're like "don't ever touch my son again"?

bcompton: I guess all of the warning stickers that I had to move to get to the thing that burned me were right.

thedayhascome: Someone with a knife exactly like the one I'm holding in my hand ruined my neighbor's inflatable Christmas lawn decorations.

Just a few more...

wordlust: The death rattle is horrible, but it’s nothing compared to the death binkie.

emilybrianna: ME: You have five seconds to finish that. 5, 4, 3- QUINN: Don't use counting right now! I love counting and you're ruining it with broccoli!

phillygirl: Highlight from mom's office party: "So... your daughter believes in global warming?" "Well, she lives on the West coast."

secretsquirrel: There is absolutely nothing that gravy can't improve. I spooned some into my coffee and could actually feel myself becoming a better person.

gknauss: I'm good all year and ask Santa for the untraceable death of just one live-in in-law and the SOB stiffs me again. Merry Freakin' Christmas.

phillygirl: They could have told me he's a drummer before I challenged him to Whack-a-Mole.

OK, here are the last of ‘em.

CranberryPerson: Santa giveth and Daddy taketh away.

scottsimpson: All of my scary campfire stories feature Ben Kingsley walking briskly toward you with a golf club, because that is the scariest thing ever.

adamisacson: I'm not falling again for the 5-year-old's "eat some spaghetti" trick. It's always Play-Doh. But this fried egg looks delicious. Oh, damn.

wordlust: When I die, I hope they say, “We’re not here to mourn. We’re here to hit on his unbelievable harem of supermodels.”

Dogphorisms: In 2010, I resolve to chew more, pee more, and hump more. FYI, I did all three to your pillow.

January 1: hotdogsladies: Weird. I'm twelve hours into the new year and still writing, "Don't cash this for a couple weeks" on all my checks.

You’re welcome!

Mar. 15: I read it: Notes to Boys

I haven’t been very good about reviewing books here at Stuff Jen Says, other than a sentence here and there in one of my month-end summaries. I tell people about books I read. I even recommend them to friends. Somehow I don’t get around to actually writing out my thoughts after I finish reading a book. But-cept sometimes I do.

This is one of those times. You remember Pamela Ribon, my BFF, right? She is toooootes my BFF. Here’s my review of her latest book, which I posted to Goodreads.

What I love about Pamela Ribon’s books is how they are simultaneously hysterical and heartbreaking. They’re like two, two, two books in one! Except they aren’t, because she manages to move between the two extremes—giving more time to the hilarious, thank goodness—in a way that feels completely normal.

In “Notes to Boys,” Ribon adult-narrates her teen dorkiness. Her notes to boys are exactly that: uncensored bits from her journals and first drafts of notes—some 200+ pages!—detailing her ascent into madness. And isn’t that how must of us entered our teens, mostly sane until the hormones hit? What she shares will make most readers cringe and nod and laugh along with her... and dig around in their parents’ attic for their old journals.

(That’s what I did anyway, and was disappointed to find that my teenage journals were far less interesting than Little Pam’s, though they were equally embarrassing.)

“Notes to Boys” is another Pamela Ribon hit. She has woven these excerpts from her journals into a story that, like her earlier books, is both realistic, relatable, and an absolute joy to read.

Inspired by Little Pam, I quoted bits from my 1985 journal a few days ago. Unfortunately, they’re amusing only to the people involved—“amusing” might be generous—and when I write up 1986’s blurbs it’ll probably be more of the same. Clearly, Little Pam was vastly superior to Little Jen—LP was writing for large audiences from the very beginning!

While I can’t eagerly recommend my walks down memory lane as entertaining reading for all, I can recommend Notes to Boys. Read it. So says I.

Mar. 14: Funny pitchers

Time to empty my “silly” folder. It’s almost like a blog post, but not really.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Happy Friday!

Dec. 28: Funnies

Time to clean out the “images I’ve been collecting from around the ‘net” folder. Lucky you.

Walla Walla used to have a store called “City Zoo Pet & Video.”
This one’s way better.

 

Julie Andrews friggin’ ROCKS.

 

I’m working on my month in review and might even get it posted before January. Maybe I’ll make that my new year’s resolution—that way if I fail, I’ll get it over with quick. Brilliant plan, eh?