Aug. 29: Pull up them britches

If you look like this, I have some questions (and this time, none of them related to you being the wonder wanker that is K-Fed).

Are you on drugs? Do you have a mirror? Do you use it? Aren't you tired by the end of the day from trying to walk with your waistband tucked under your butt? I mean, that's got to be awkward. And doesn't it hurt your junk to hold up the weight of your pants? (Of course, if the gonad stress could render you sterile, maybe the saggy pants look is perfect for you...)

When I see you, it takes every bit of my strength to keep from grabbing your belt loops and yanking your pants up to your waist where they belong. And if you have a minute, I'd like to show you pictures of my grandpa, who regularly wore suspenders because he knew no one was interested in seeing his underpants. He was a smart guy.

Guess what? No one's interested in seeing your underpants either. Surprised?

Yes, I know this makes me sound old and out of it. But in this particular case, I'm okay with that.

Good news! Now, finally, it seems I'm not the only one who thinks you look like a complete boob. In Atlanta--where the Confederate flag is still proudly flown, mind you--they're trying to outlaw your "fashion." I guess they have some sense there after all. Other cities are following Atlanta's lead with their own ordinances.

Ya gotta love this country sometimes.

Ya just gotta.


Aug. 28: Gigglin' at the GOP

I love when news stories reveal that a jackass staunch Republican has been caught in an embarrassing homosexual situation and there is absolutely no way they can explain it away. Somehow when these scandals involve Democrats, it's no big deal (though I don't know of many), maybe because everyone expects hypocrisy from liberals??? Here's today's scandal, which involves an Idaho senator. I could not possible enjoy this any more.

Others, just to prove my point (links are to Wikipedia pages, only because I'm too lazy to look for more reliable sources):

Mark Foley
Ted Haggard
Ed Schrock
Jim West, Spokane mayor
Glenn Murphy
Bob Allen

I apologize if I've failed to mention a few of the other self-important "victims" of political and/or religious scandal. Ya think if these guys would just stop condemning others, maybe they wouldn't hate themselves so much?

My stomach muscles are begging me to PLEASE stop laughing at these jackasses. I'm evil, through and through. At least I don't mind admitting it. I'm also a registered Democrat and a mostly-liberal, and I don't mind admitting that either. Because remember, I'm an ordained reverend, and religious figures always tell the truth and are upright, honorable citizens. RESPECT ME, DAMMIT, WHETHER I DESERVE IT OR NOT!


Aug. 28: Annoying ads

I've not been complaining enough lately. Therein lies the lame excuse for this morning's post.

There's a mortgage company advertisement I regularly see on my Yahoo! mail page, news sites, and a number of other sites. I hate it and I think it might make me insane(r). Sometimes it's an alien dancing around, sometimes a guy in a trenchcoat, sometimes a wizard. I didn't realize that it's possible to do a bad impression of Napoleon Dynamite. Apparently I was wrong. If you don't know the ad I'm referring to, you're lucky. Look around the main page at KGW you'll probably see it.

The "angus" Jack in the Box commercials make me mad because I just don't get them. What the hell is so funny?

I hate the Burger King ad when the guy looks in his rear view mirror and sees the plastic king in his back seat. All I can say is, "oops, I crapped my pants." I think that plastic guy is the creepiest thing I've seen in a long time, but that particular commercial is, hands-down, the worst.

That's enough for today. I now return you to my normally positive, uplifting, praiseworthy posts.


One more thing... I can't resist including a link to another Letterman Top Ten List, this one a video performance of Napoleon Dynamite.

Aug. 27: ‘Eureka!’ moments?

USA Today has published this list of what they call ‘Eureka! moments,’ inventions that have changed our lives since 1982. (They chose 1982 because it was their first year in publication, but probably also because of four lovely people I know that tell me ‘82 ruled.)
  1. Cellphones
  2. Laptop computers
  3. BlackBerries (I'm guessing they mean the handheld electronic devices rather than the annoying pokey plants that keep showing up in my backyard)
  4. Debit cards
  5. Caller ID (in singsong voice: love it!)
  6. DVDs
  7. Lithium rechargeable batteries
  8. iPods
  9. Pay at the pump (in Oregon, it doesn't really make that much difference though; attendants still freak out if you start to get out of your car)
  10. Lettuce in a bag (why do they even SELL whole heads of lettuce anymore?)
  11. Digital cameras
  12. Doppler radar (yeah, it totally helps those weather forecasters get it right)
  13. Flat-panel TVs (I don't have one yet, but when I do I'm pretty sure "Eureka!" won't be the first words out of my mouth)
  14. Electronic tolls (um, okaaaay...)
  15. PowerPoint
  16. Microwavable popcorn (not me, thanks. If it isn't theater-style then it has to be naked. I still prefer air-popped. Oh, 'cept kettle corn)
  17. High-tech footwear (my vertical leap is way better thanks to my high-tech footwear)
  18. Online stock trading
  19. Big Bertha golf clubs (yup. tooootally changed my life.)
  20. Disposable contacts
  21. StairMaster (I think it's nice to be reminded that "the thing I hang my clothes on" actually has a name)
  22. TiVo (oh. my. goddess. This belongs ever so much higher on the list)
  23. Purell
  24. Home satellite TV
  25. Karaoke (has this really changed our lives in any other way than giving us something more to laugh at our drunk friends over?)

What do you think? Did they get it right? Seems like e-mail should be somewhere on the list ... those steps that let your old and/or fat dogs get up on the bed ... wi-fi at Starbucks ... Go-GURT ... in-car DVD players ... helmet laws ... online bill pay ... stadium theater seating ... The Simpsons ... disposable toilet brushes ... curbside recycling ... magnetic bumper stickers ...

What else?


Aug. 25: I'm not TOO trashy

I am 8% White Trash.
Not at all White Trashy!
I, my friend, have class. I am so not white trash. . I am more than likely Democrat, and my place is neat, and there is a good chance I may never drink wine from a box.


Aug. 25: Quasi-evil genius?

I am 64% Evil Genius.
Deceitful & Crazy!
Evil courses through my blood. Lies and deceit motivate my evil deeds. Crushing the weaklings and idiots that do nothing but interfere in my doings.


Aug. 25: These quizzes LIE

Well, y'know I have a little crush on that Zac Efron because is he NOT the dreamiest guy on TV right now??? Yes, I know I'm old enough to be his mother and I know it's a little sick that I think we'd be so dang right together anyway. I don't care. The heart wants what it wants.

So you can imagine my surprise at the results of the "Which Disney Channel Guy is Your Perfect Match?" quiz: Dylan and/or Cole Sprouse. That is wrong on just so many levels but mainly because neither of them is Zac Efron.


Aug. 24: It's chow that's kooky

Well, this is an interesting combo of disgusting and amusing. It's real food, weird food, at KookyChow.

And don't miss this similar site, Luncheon Loaf. It's chock-full of loafy goodness.

Now I'm craving kraut juice, dammit.


Aug. 24: Week in review

I updated a few pages at today.

I have yet again injured my piggies. The whole thing is a little fuzzy but I'm pretty sure it involved my typical selfless determination to rescue kittens from a sinking yacht because it most certainly did not involve me tripping over a chair just before the class I taught on Wednesday. Doctor says I pretty much re-fractured the foot I first broke back in 1995. Oh yes, I am the clumsiest person you know. I'm actually doing well, statistically speaking, because I haven't had a serious foot injury for more than two years. I know!

Katie will be coming back tomorrow after a week at Grandma Mary's. She's had a ball at the petting zoo, Donna's pool, Elaine's farm, the children's museum, dressing up in her new tutu, and playing at Lithia Park. Today she's busily assembling a scrapbook of memories of this very special week.

Last night Vic and I saw Spamalot. It was fab-u-lous. If it's coming to your city and you loved Monty Python and the Holy Grail, you should definitely go.

Darlene and Wellington are now on their annual get-away-from-Vic-and-Jen trip in which they leave the country for entirely too long. We all hate when they're gone; the kids miss being spoiled rotten, Vic and I miss hanging out at their house, and the dogs miss having people to bark at. If I say much more I'll start blubbering, so no more words.

Some people I know don't update their blogs for two weeks. This makes other people very upset. I'm just sayin'...


Aug. 24: Some darndest things

Sherrice forwarded this to me this morning and it made me chuckle. You parents will understand best.


    I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, “Mom! That lady isn’t wearing a seat belt!”
    On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, “The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.”
    A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. “Mommy can’t come to the phone to talk to you right now. She’s hitting the bottle.”
    A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women’s locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, “What’s the matter, haven’t you ever seen a little boy before?”
  5. POLICE #1
    While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, “Are you a cop?”
    “Yes,” I answered and continued writing the report.
    “My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?”
    “Yes, that’s right,” I told her.
    “Well, then,” she said as she extended her foot toward me, “would you please tie my shoe?”
  6. POLICE #2
    It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me.
    “Is that a dog you got back there?” he asked.
    “It sure is,” I replied.
    Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, “What’d he do?”
    While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, “The tooth fairy will never believe this!”
    A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, “Daddy, you shouldn’t wear that suit.”
    “And why not, darling?”
    “You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.”
  9. DEATH
    While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister’s son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said:
    “Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.”
  10. SCHOOL
    A little girl had just finished her first week of school. “I’m just wasting my time,” she said to her mother. “I can’t read, I can’t write and they won’t let me talk!”
  11. BIBLE
    A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
    “Mama, look what I found,” the boy called out.
    “What have you got there, dear?”
    With astonishment in the young boy’s voice, he answered, “I think it’s Adam’s underwear.”


Aug. 23: Disney Disney Disney

This makes me happy. The Little Mermaid is now a Broadway musical and will open in November. If this one is anything like the Disney movies made into Broadway musicals before it, it'll be a great show.

And because a mention of the Little Mermaid always reminds me of this, one of my all-time favorite of Letterman's top ten lists, here ya go:

Top Ten Ways Disneyland Can Attract More Visitors
  1. Dads get an hour alone with the Little Mermaid
  2. Goodbye costumed animals, hello Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling
  3. Paint target on Goofy; give visitors choice between BB gun or slingshot
  4. They really should think about doing some advertising
  5. For no extra charge, Mike Tyson will bite off one of your mouse ears
  6. At "Hall of Presidents," the Woodrow Wilson robot performs a slow, seductive striptease
  7. Open up a Disneyland on every corner like Starbucks
  8. New attraction: "Mr. Gifford's Wild Ride"
  9. One-millionth customer gets to beat the daylights out of Mickey
  10. Thaw out Walt and ask him what the hell to do!

And another Disney-themed list:

Top Ten Signs Disney Is Taking Over New York City

  1. $20 will buy you a lap dance from Goofy
  2. The Statue of Liberty now has a rodent-like tail
  3. Guys handing out flyers for "The Country Bears' Pantsless Jamboree"
  4. Mayor Giuliani's new audioanimatronic combover
  5. 50% increase in number of drag queens going by name "Tinkerbell"
  6. Cab drivers now have mouse ears glued to their turbans
  7. Mafia figures adopting nicknames like "Bashful" and "Sleepy"
  8. Hookers now whistling while they work
  9. Frank Gifford recently caught nailing the Little Mermaid
  10. Midtown crack house now called "Space-Out Mountain"

And now I return you to my regular non-top-ten-list-containing posts.


Aug. 22: Pure evil

I say Michael Vick is a bad guy. That's why I think this picture, published at Cute Overload today, is worth spreading across the 'net.
Click for a larger version


Aug. 21: Oregon, my Oregon

I love trivia. That’s a big reason I enjoy sites like Snopes and IMDB so. Tonight, while browsing Wikipedia, I found a list of lists about Oregon, and also this list of the state symbols. Most of them are big yawners, but a few headscratchers make it worth reading.

Oregon has 19 official state symbols. They are:

Source: Wikipedia, of course, though I found the links on my own


Aug. 21: Many milestones

A few things have been happening around here that I have to share.

  • Katie passed Level D in swimming last week. We're very proud of her hard work and all she's learned this summer. She started at Level B in July and got through three sessions like a star!
  • Jack lost his first tooth on Sunday morning. It came out just as he was waking up and he tried so hard to be excited but he was still just soooo sleepy. It was very cute. He's showing off his gap to anyone who shows the slightest interest.
  • My friend Alisa's birthday was Saturday. I knew it was coming, but I don't think I looked at my calendar the whole time we were at my mom's this past weekend. I'm sorry, Alisa! I hope it was a good birthday and you were showered with many lovely gifts because everyone likes to be showered with many lovely gifts.
  • I'm mostly finished with a database project I started about four years ago. The milestone part of this is that I have invoiced it and am actually going to get paid for my work. Because it was a contract job and I charged a flat rate, my hourly wage decreased dramatically over the time I worked on it; I think I figured it ended up being about 4¢ an hour. I blame no one but myself for this, but it's still nice to see this project on its way to my archives (and bank account).
  • Although school doesn't officially start until the week of Labor Day, Jack is going to a "Let's Get Ready for Kindergarten" class this week. This is a great preparatory class because the kids can get familiar with the school and procedures without the chaos of having six other grades in the building. Jack has been excited to go to the same school as Katie, and even though he loves it so far, I can tell he's still nervous. What makes Mommy nervous about that: last year a classmate of Katie's was so freaked out about starting school that he would sneak out of the classroom every morning after his mom dropped him off and hide in the bushes by the front door and cry. Poor little guy. Anyway, I'm hoping what Jack learns this week will keep that kind of crisis at bay.
  • Everyone loves my seester. Well, at least some hiring folk in Collaradda do.
  • Jacob broke his arm a few years ago. Alec broke his arm last week. It doesn't take a psychic to deduce that Jack is up next. As I'm not too fond of surprises, I would like some warning, please (are you there, goddess? it's me, jen).
  • This isn't really a milestone specifically for our family, but it's somewhat huge that High School Musical 2 beat a bunch of records for basic cable TV viewing. I watched the movie yesterday and I have to say that it's really not bad. The music is fun and most of the choreography was good. The acting is what you would expect from young actors, but at least they're nice to look at. 'Specially that yummy little Zac Efron... hubba hubba...


Aug. 20: Pass the pigs, please

Have you ever played Pass the Pigs? It's considered a dice game, though I've never seen dice that look quite like these. Players roll the pigs and collect points based on the way they land. More complex combinations mean more points (duh). For instance, a "sider" is when both pigs land on their sides with their dots facing up; it's worth just one point. A "double snouter" is when both pigs land on their snouts, and it's worth 40 points. A "pig out" is when both pigs land on their sides, one with the dot up and one with the dot down. If you roll a "pig out" you lose your points for that turn. The first player to reach 100 points wins.

Trivia: Pass the Pigs was once called "Pig Mania." Definitely an alliterative improvement, hm?

While the game has been around forever, I first heard about it a few years ago and bought several sets as stocking stuffers one Christmas. I kept one for myself and got addicted immediately. It sounds quite stupid, but it's a lot of fun.

This is what my version looks like:

This is how the newer ones are sold:

Warning: the little pigs are soft rubber and your dogs will totally chew them up given the opportunity. Use the storage case!

Of course, there are now lots of online versions. This one is my favorite. If you've played the real game the online ones will make more sense than if you're brand new to it, but either way Pass the Pigs is a big time-waster. Enjoy.


Aug. 20: Mmm... cheezy goodness

This might just be the coolest test ever. My results were spot-on. Sheila, yours should be the same, right?

You are "Kraft Macaroni and Cheese." You cost a little more,
due to your promotional shapes and packaging, but the kids
won't stand for less. You try and be individual in
spite of this though. You prefer to be called "Cheese and
Macaroni" thank you very much.

Take the
What Kind of Macaroni and Cheese Are You? Quiz

Created by LJ User RobProv222


Aug. 18: Where're the tweezers?

Riddle me this. What good is being married if your husband doesn't tell you when you have a big black hair growing out of your neck? Hm?

...hypothetically speaking, of course...


Aug. 18: Crater Lake visit

Click to see a bigger version of the picWe drove up to Crater Lake yesterday. The weather was perfect, the drive was beautiful, the company was great (Mother Mary was along), it wasn't too crowded and we had a lovely time. We didn't do much hiking. We did some walking. It wore us out. We are lazy arses.

Jack was in awe of the size of the lake and more than a little frustrated not to be allowed to swim in it. Both he and Katie watched a little slide show about how Crater Lake came to be, and have been drawing different types of volcanoes ever since we got home.

Southern Oregon really ain't so bad. I knew that though. Vic does now.


Aug. 18: Goosebumps

OK, here's the cutest thing. This couple's first dance at their wedding was based on the bride's favorite movie, Dirty Dancing. Rehearsing must have taken forever. Totally worth it, though... what a memory!


Aug. 15: Kill time efficiently

I found this article at hgtv. I love these kinds of lists, and this one in particular has some great tips.


What Can You Do in the Time It Takes Popcorn to Pop?

In short: a lot. Learn how to reclaim the time you spend waiting, whether at home or on-the-go.
by Jennifer Haupt

Let’s face it: We all put off organizing our homes, purses, cars and lives because we don’t think we have time. “Once you start looking at all the time you spend waiting for this or that, the minutes really add up,” says Donna Smallin, author of The One-Minute Organizer. Put those wasted minutes to work, she says; even just five minutes a day adds up to seven hours a month — plenty of time for organization.

While you’re playing the waiting game, try out these quick and practical organizing tips:

While popcorn is popping

3 minutes in the kitchen

  • Organize the day’s mail — toss the outer envelopes and inserts in bill statements along with junk mail.
  • Organize a drawer — if there’s not a lid for a container, toss it.
  • Be brave as you open the fridge to play “leftover roulette,” popping open mystery containers to see what’s still edible, suggests Smallin. Also, check out the expiration dates on condiments and half-full jars of spaghetti sauce.
  • Rifle through that overflowing coupon box and toss the expired ones. Then, file new ones by category and by date.
  • Take out the trash, and make sure the recyclables are in order.
  • Empty or load the dishwasher — wipe down a shelf while you’re at it.

While cookies are baking

12 minutes in the kitchen

  • Plan dinners for the week and write a grocery shopping list.
  • Organize your junk drawer. Toss the stuff that’s really garbage, like toys from fast-food restaurants, dusty plastic silverware and wrappers from used packs of batteries. Then, use a compartmentalized plastic tray to separate loose stamps, paperclips, coins and things that aren’t really junk.
  • Organize your pantry: Throw out expired cans, stale bread and cereal boxes with only crumbs left.
  • Spruce up your spice drawer or cabinet — put the spices you use most toward the front, and throw out “mystery” spices without labels.
  • “Chop up some fruit and make a fruit salad for tomorrow,” suggests organizing expert Maria Gracia.

While the tub fills up

3 minutes in the bathroom

  • Toss used towels in the laundry bin and hang up some clean ones.
  • Organize your make-up drawer — a recent study from the College of Optometrists warns that mascara, lipstick and eye shadow more than three to six months old can be a hotbed for bacteria. Check the expirations dates in tiny print, or just toss whatever looks gunky.
  • Organize the space under the vanity: Toss crusty bottles of hair product, face wash/cream you haven’t used in months, stray cotton balls and Q-Tips.
  • Straighten your linen closet, and make a pile of threadbare washcloths and hand towels you can convert to dust rags.
  • Toss expired prescriptions and over-the-counter medications; wipe down a shelf in the medicine cabinet.
  • Clean the toilet. Pour in a quick-acting cleaner like Kaboom Bowl Blaster, then brush and flush.
  • Gracia suggests organizing your hair accessories into an over-the-door shoe organizer. The pockets will help you sort everything beautifully, so you can easily find what you need.

During TV commercials

4 minutes in the family room

  • Organize a DVD shelf or book shelf, and make a donation pile of movies your kids have outgrown and books you won’t read again.
  • Venture under the couch to hunt dust bunnies.
  • Put all toys (including the dog’s) in a toy box or basket in the corner of the room.
  • Recycle old magazines, and put those you intend to read in the magazine rack.
  • Do some quick calisthenics so you don’t feel like such a couch potato.

While your child brushes teeth before bedtime

5 minutes in their room (Note: You may want to wait to do these things with your child.)

  • Organize the sock and underwear drawer, tossing anything that no longer fits or just doesn’t look wearable anymore.
  • Put all stray stuffed animals into baskets.
  • Turn down the bed, pull down the shade and turn on a lamp. You’re all ready for bedtime stories.
  • Put all stray tapes and CDs into their cases. To get your child involved, buy a colorful plastic carrying case for your child to store their lullaby and playtime music in.
  • Donna Smallin, author of The One-Minute Organizer, suggests laying out an outfit for the next day, ready for your child’s approval or a quick switch. This will save time during the morning rush the next day.

Waiting to pick up your child from school

5 minutes in the car

  • Bring a trash bag and pick up all cups, napkins and litter in the car.
  • Pay bills — store statements, envelopes, check book, register, envelopes and stamps in an accordion file with handle.
  • Schedule dental and doctor appointments, order prescription refills, confirm appointments.
  • Jott” yourself by calling 1-877-568-8486 — your voice message will be converted to a text or email.
  • Donna Smallin, author of The One-Minute Organizer, suggests organizing the interior of your car, including the glove compartment and the catch-all netting on the seat backs.

Waiting in line at the post office or grocery store

3 minutes on your feet

  • Write a to-do list for the next day.
  • Make a quick phone call to make an appointment you’ve been putting off.
  • “Look at the supermarket magazines and see if you can find any organizing tips,” says organizing expert Maria Gracia.
  • Organize your purse — put stray coupons in the side pocket, check hand lotion bottles to see if they’re empty, throw out candy wrappers and old store receipts.

Waiting at the doctor’s office

10 minutes in a comfy chair

  • Organize your social life — make a lunch date with a friend you haven’t seen in a while.
  • Tackle your “should do” list: write a thank you note or a card to a friend; call your mother.
  • Close your eyes, practice deep breathing and organize your thoughts.
  • Check out the health magazines that are mainstays of a doctor’s office. Learn something new about your kidneys, or some great exercise tips.
  • Bring a tote bag with a couple of sewing repair projects.

On the phone, on hold

1-3 minutes (we wish!) in your home office

  • Organize your e-mail — create file folders that make sense and delete spam.
  • Go through paper file folders one a time, looking for outdated papers to toss or shred. Mark where you left off for next time.
  • Send a virtual greeting card to let someone know you care, or even a real paper greeting card from your computer.
  • Run the virus scan or disk defragmenter on your computer to keep it healthy.
  • Go through your file of tax deduction receipts and paperclip those in the same category to simplify the process next April.

Aug. 15: OK, here's the deal

I can be as mean as I want, but if I add, "but I still love you!" to the end of my rant then my husband should still totally get me some ice cream.

Fair, isn't it?


Aug. 15: A lesson in footwear

In no way do I claim to be a fashion goddess, nor do I think anyone will ever mistake me for a credible fashion critic. But there's one thing I simply cannot abide: shoes that don't fit.

So you're a celebrity. You're wearing a $40K gown, whether you paid for it or not, and you've hired a gaggle of artists to make you look perfect. And just before you head to your awards show or movie premiere or charity auction, you slip on your shoes. Shoes that cost nearly as much as your gown. Shoes that you hope to GOD you don't have to walk in for very long because they're already killing your back. The fact that your toes hang over the ends gets by all of your beautifiers, and you proceed to your event where your picture will be taken by hundreds of cameras, all documenting your perfectly manicured toes hanging over the ends of your gorgeous shoes.

What are you, some kind of idiot?

Here's what I'm saying. If you're wearing shoes like this and your feet don't look like this in them:


You're scaring the children. And me.

One more thing. Trim your toenails. You look like a velociraptor.

—Jen (yes, I'm a beeyotch today)

Aug. 14: R.I.P., Yankee dude

Yankee Hall of Famer Phil Rizzuto died today. So, Kath, I guess Dad has another Yankee buddy in Heaven. I'm sure they're all gathered, making fun of the Red Sox and Red Sox fans and anything else having to do with Red Sox. And Dad's probably trying to work in some jabs about the Mariners too.

I read this amusing bit about Rizzuto in one of today's articles:
Yankee fans also loved his unusual commentary. In an age of broadcasters who spout statistics and repeat the obvious, Rizzuto delighted in talking about things like his fear of lightning, the style of an umpire's shoes or even the prospect of outfielder Dave Winfield as a candidate for president. He liked to acknowledge birthdays and anniversaries, read notes from fans, praised the baked delicacies at his favorite restaurant and send messages to old cronies. And if he missed a play, he would scribble "ww" in his scorecard box score. That, he said, meant "wasn't watching."

I'm embarrassed to admit that my knowledge of Phil Rizzuto is limited to that I learned from watching the Seinfeld episode ("The Pothole") when George loses his keys. It's one of those when all the storylines tie together and is hilarious.

George puts his keys on the table. On the ring is a miniature head, clearly a caricature of someone.

JERRY: What is that?

GEORGE: Ahh, Steinbrenner gave 'em to us, in honor of Phil Rizzuto being inducted into the Hall of Fame.

He squeezes the miniature head.

HEAD: Holy cow!

JERRY: They don't actually have to squeeze his head to get him to say 'holy cow,' do they?

GEORGE: Just the last few innings of a double-header.

Dad, please don't annoy Mr. Rizzuto, mmkay? You may know a lot about baseball, but he actually played the game.


Aug. 14: Happy birthday, Emma!

Spaghetti CakeToday is Miss Emma Jordan's sixth birthday. We'll be celebrating with them at Spaghetti Factory later today. I'm hoping that whatever we eat there will look a little yummier than this very creative but not very appetizing spaghetti cake because, well, yuck. I can accept powdered sugar as parmesan, but are those Ding-Dongs supposed to be meatballs???

Emma trivia: she came home on August 18, 2001, which was also a noteworthy date because it was Jim and April's tenth anniversary. Not quite the trip to Italy they'd planned, but a pretty exciting alternative.


Aug. 13: Love and marriage

Yesterday drove to Salem and back (happy birthday, Theo!). On our way home there was a big wreck on I-5 so we hopped over to 99E and took it all the way up to Oregon City. Have you ever wondered where the scariest of Clackamas Town Center shoppers come from? I’m pretty sure they live in those little towns on 99E between Salem and Oregon City. Yikes.

Jack just got back from a week at my mom’s so he and Katie had a lot of bickering to catch up on. They made the most of their time in the car doing exactly that, which made a fairly short journey seem almost unbearably long for the people in the front seat. This was one of their more entertaining conversations:

Jack: You want to marry Jacob
Katie: You want to marry Julianne
Vic and Jen, nearly in unison: NO MARRYING YOUR COUSINS!
(slight pause)
Jack: I’m going to marry Mommy
(I'm thinking, how sweet is my little boy???)
Katie: I’m going to marry Daddy. haHA! I get to marry the good one. The funny one.

Tell me. What the hell makes Vic “the good one”?


Aug. 12: When girls drink too much

I've only been falling-down, puke-my-guts-out drunk a handful of times in my life, but I remember enough to know that I prefer drunkenness as a spectator sport. I think drunk people are hugely entertaining. Most of them, anyway. The mean drunks suck; you just wonder if they've loosened up enough to finally tell you the truth. No thanks.

While I can't totally identify with this list I found while browsing the web today, I can still appreciate the humor. I hope you do too.

When girls drink too much...

  1. We have absolutely no idea where our purse is
  2. We believe that dancing with our arms overhead and wiggling our butt while yelling “woo-hoo!” is truly the sexiest dance move around
  3. We’ve suddenly decided that we want to kick someone’s butt and honestly believe we could do it too
  4. In our last trip to pee, we realize that we now look more like a homeless hooker than the goddess we were just four hours ago
  5. We drop our 3:00 a.m. submarine sandwich on the floor (which we’re eating even though we are not the least bit hungry), pick it up and carry on eating it
  6. We start crying and telling everyone we see that we love them sooo much
  7. We get extremely excited and jump up and down every time a new song plays because “Oh my god! I love this song!”
  8. We’ve found a deeper/spiritual side to the geek sitting next to us
  9. The man we’re flirting with used to be our fifth grade teacher
  10. The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and sing or dance becomes strangely overwhelming to us
  11. Our eyes just don’t seem to want to stay open on their own so we keep them half closed and think it looks exotically sexy
  12. We’ve suddenly taken up smoking and become really good at it
  13. We yell at the bartender, who we believe cheated us by giving us just lemonade, but that’s just because we can no longer taste the gin
  14. We think we are in bed, but our pillow feels strangely like the kitchen floor
  15. We start every conversation with a booming “Don’t take this the wrong way but...”
  16. We fail to notice that the toilet lid is down when we sit on it
  17. Our hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves
  18. We are tired so we just sit on the floor (wherever we happen to be standing) and take a quick nap
  19. We begin leaving the buttons open on our button fly pants to cut down on the time we’re in the bathroom away from our drink
  20. We take our shoes off because we believe it’s their fault that we’re having problems walking straight

Heh heh heh. Alcohol makes people do funny stuff.


Aug. 10: Fashion, it's criminal

If your mom always said to wear clean underwear just in case you get in a car accident, what are you supposed to wear just in case you get arrested?

The Smoking Gun has grouped together some mug shots of people with amusing and/or ironic and/or unsurprising sayings on their shirts. An earlier assortment can be found here. Enjoy looking at these stupid people and their unfortunate fashion choices.


Aug. 9: Camping tips

If you’ve been paying attention, you know that camping is one of my favorite pastimes. I mean, who doesn’t love being filthy dirty and eaten by bears for three straight days?

You also probably know by now that I enjoy satire. The Onion is one of my favorite chuckle sites. Here’s another: Recoil. Today I want to share their camping tips with you.

Perhaps partly out of guilt for living so well, humans instinctually feel the desire to take to the woods carrying less than a third of their modern conveniences in the name of camping. Here are some tips to help you survive your weekend excursion:

  • Remember to register daily at the fairgrounds office, otherwise you won’t be eligible to win the prizes given out for setting off the wee morning firecracker that wakes up the largest percentage of campers.
  • Calling tech support in advance will make it much easier to get your Internet connection up and running at the campground.
  • In the event of a bear attack, lie down and try to appear lifeless. Men, ask your wives for advice on achieving this pose.
  • Never feed the wildlife, as this will make animals dependent on handouts for survival. The same goes for your children.
  • Make a scrapbook of close-up photos of each of your bug bites, to preserve the memories of your camping experiences for the members of your family that don’t die from malaria, West Nile virus, etc.
  • Do not, under any circumstances, pack a fire extinguisher. If by some miracle you do manage to get a decent fire going, you certainly don’t want to risk someone putting it out.
  • Keep in mind that sand, like vampires, can’t come into your place unless invited in.
  • You can get a lot of great camping supplies at your local military surplus store, although you usually need to know a password in order to buy the really handy and hard-to-find supplies.
  • Spreading a gross or so of industrial-sized tacks around the campfire will keep your baby from crawling into harm’s way.
  • Be sure one of your friends packs an axe or else years later your straight-to-cable true story horror/thriller won’t be able to get much of a plot going.
  • If you’re not up to packing everything and then driving 100 miles to some remote shithole, keep in mind that there’s no law that says you have to have slept in a tent to have license to not bathe and start drinking beer at noon on Saturdays.
  • It’s wise to find the nearest Laundromat to your campsite before it starts to rain. It’s also helpful if the Laundromat has a hotel attached to it.

I didn't write that last one, even though it is the only kind of camping I willingly do.


Aug. 9: Tricky gifts

Do you remember opening gifts when you were little and getting all excited over what was pictured on the box, only to find someone had just used a box from a good gift but actually put a different (and usually much crappier) gift inside? I swear, one of the most common refrains around our house on Christmas mornings was, "Can I believe the box???"

Here are some great gift boxes that should not be believed. Yeah, $7.50 is kind of a lot for an empty box, but just think of all the fun it will be to wrap some crappy gifts for the adults that briefly raised our hopes all those years.

USB Toaster 
Salt of the Month Club 
Make Your Own Umbrella Kit (love "The Hong Konger")

Not that I'm bitter or anything...


Aug. 8: My favorite Chippendale

Remember that hilarious SNL sketch with Patrick Swayze and Chris Farley? And the Matt Foley one with David Spade and Christina Applegate? Ah, good times...

Here's an e-mail Sally forwarded to me today. You gotta read the red text first and then scroll waaaay down for the picture. (8/9/07, 11:05 a.m.: edited to add a better photo of the original Chris Farley here--thanks, Lori!)

The black cloud that has been looming over planet Earth since December 18, 1997 [the day Chris Farley died] is gone.

I am ecstatic to announce that Chris Farley has been reincarnated and is now a young, bright eyed little girl (age 2) living in Cleveland, Ohio. Please hide the paint chips. Apparently, all his comedic talents and philanthropic endeavors during his life have landed him a hot mother too.

Let the sun shine again (on a van down by the river).



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