Apr. 26: Doot-in' doo-doo, feelin' o-old

Hey.

Here's why I've been feeling more like 86 than 36 lately:

• Last week I ran out of moisturizer. I remembered getting a free sample in the mail a while ago, so I dug it out of my junk mail basket and used it. And I liked it, so when I went to buy a big bottle I looked for the same kind... and found a little more information on the full-size: it's some mega-anti-aging, wrinkle releasing, skin restoring, cell regenerating serum. I bought it, but I know people were pointing and laughing.
  
• My recent eye exam showed that my eyes haven't gotten any worse in the past few years (hooray!) and that my reading glasses can be purchased at the dollar store (not so hooray). I went to Wal-Mart where I splurged on a pair for $7.84. What made me feel like I deserved a senior discount was the style: for working on my laptop, the best type seem to be the ones that sit way down on my nose. If Vic keeps calling me "Granny" I'm going to hit him with my cane.
• The rain makes my shoulder hurt. It starts to hurt before the weather cools, and makes me gripe until the sun comes out again.
• I went to Clackamas High School today to get tickets to their upcoming production of "Disney's Beauty & The Beast." Just seeing the students made me feel out of it, but then when I realized I'm actually closer to being their parent than I am to being one of them... where's my wheelchair?
  
• I've got my eye on a housedress I saw in the Fingerhut catalog.

Okay, I made up that last one, but the rest are true. I'm a geezer! When'd this happen???

Techie stuff

I got a new printer that's super-cool. It's a Hewlett-Packard All-in-One 1315. What I like is not just that it prints, scans, and copies, but that it's a flatbed scanner/copier. If you've ever tried to photocopy your passport or a page from a magazine on a sheet-fed copier, then you know why this is such a great design. I don't much like the scanner software HP sent, but it lets me use the Windows XP scanner wizard, which is cake. And YES, I realize I'm way too excited about this.

We moved our cell service to T-Mobile and got a coupla fancy new phones. Mine is a Motorola A630, which flips open to a QWERTY keyboard. It's perfect for text messaging and e-mailing. Of course, I don't text message or e-mail over the phone. I do, however, like the idea of a PDA phone, which I was led to believe the A630 almost is. But it turns out this ain't a PDA phone. It doesn't even pretend to be one. It doesn't hold mailing addresses, and e-mail addresses create duplicate phone book entries; that means you scroll through them until you finally find what you're looking for or crash your car. Calendar entries work well, though recurring entries don't sync and that sucks. There's picture caller ID (fun), lots of polyphonic and "real" ring tones (lame), ability to edit MP3s and make them into ring tones (haven't tried it yet, but I can't wait to hear "Springtime for Hitler" telling me I have voice mail!), and Bluetooth (very cool but still not working correctly on my laptop). Victor's phone doesn't pretend to be anything but a phone, and it's good at what it's supposed to do. He always has to be better than me.

Updates

• Pictures of Presley. Is she the cutest thing in the world, or what? Are we the proudest uncle and auntie, or what? Daryl, Sally, and Presley will be here in a couple weeks. Are you jealous, or what?
• Katie's class picture for this school year. Don't know why they have them done in the spring and not the fall like most schools, but whatever. She was adorable then and she's adorable now.
• More pictures of Cooper Bissell. I love that giggly stage!
• I'd show my nephews' prom pics but they turned all squirrely when they were e-mailed to me. If I get viewable versions I'll post them.

I can't think of a single other thing to say.

Apr. 2: Common Sense & The Living Will

There's nothing new to share since my last entry, I just want to post an e-mail I received today. It's a good'n.

--Jen
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I, _______________ (fill in the blank), being of sound mind and body, unequivocally declare that in the event of a catastrophic injury, I do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means.

I hereby instruct my loved ones and relatives to remove all life-support systems once it has been determined that my brain is no longer functioning in a cognizant realm.

However, that judgment should be made only after thorough consultation with medical experts; i.e., individuals who actually have been trained, educated and certified as doctors. Under no circumstances -- and I can't state this too strongly -- should my fate be put in the hands of peckerwood politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it.

Furthermore, it is my firm hope that when the time comes, any discussion about terminating my medical treatment should remain private and confidential.

Living in Florida, however, I am acutely aware that the legislative and executive branches of state government are fond of meddling in family matters and have little concern for the privacy and dignity of individuals.

Therefore, I wish to make my views on this subject as clear and unambiguous as possible. Recognizing that some politicians seem cerebrally challenged themselves (and with no medical excuse), I'll try to keep this simple and to the point:

1. While remaining sensitive to the feelings of loved ones who might cling to hope for my recovery, let me state that if a reasonable amount of time passes -- say, ____ (fill in the blank) months -- and I fail to sit up and ask for a cold beer, it should be presumed that I won't ever get better. When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my spouse, children and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a day.
   
   
2. Under no circumstances shall the members of the Legislature enact a special law to keep me on life-support machinery. It is my wish that these boneheads mind their own damn business and pay attention instead to the health, education and future of the millions of Floridians who aren't in a permanent coma.
   
   
3. Under no circumstances shall the governor of Florida butt into this case and order my doctors to put a feeding tube down my throat or through a hole into my abdomen to keep me alive. I don't care how many fundamentalist votes he's trying to scrounge for his run for the presidency in 2008, it is my wish that he plays politics with someone else's life and leaves me to die in peace.
   
   
4. I couldn't care less if a hundred religious zealots send e-mails to legislators in which they pretend to care about me. I don't know these people, and I certainly haven't authorized them to preach and crusade on my behalf. They should mind their own business, too.
   
   
5. It is my heartfelt wish to expire quietly and without a public spectacle. This is obviously impossible once elected officials become involved. So, while recognizing the wrenching emotions that attend the prolonged death of a loved one, I hereby instruct my relatives to settle all disagreements about my care in private or in the courts, as provided by law. If any of my family goes against my wishes and turns my case into a political cause, I hereby promise to come back from the grave and make his or her existence a living hell.

IMPORTANT: This email is intended for the use of the individual addressee(s) named above and may contain information that is confidential, privileged or unsuitable for overly sensitive persons with low self-esteem, no sense of humor or irrational religious beliefs. If you are not the intended recipient, any dissemination, distribution or copying of this email is not authorized (either explicitly or implicitly) and constitutes an irritating social faux pas. Unless the word "absquatulation" has been used in its correct context somewhere other than in this warning, it does not have any legal or grammatical use and may be ignored. No animals were harmed in the transmission of this email, although the poodle next door is living on borrowed time, let me tell you. Those of you with an overwhelming fear of the unknown will be gratified to learn that there is no hidden message revealed by reading this backwards, so just ignore that Alert Notice from Microsoft. However, by pouring a complete circle of salt around yourself and your computer you can ensure that no harm befalls you and your pets. If you have received this email in error, please add some nutmeg and egg whites, whisk, and place in a warm oven for 40 minutes.