Jul. 21: Simplifying my simplifying

As I mentioned the other day, I’m going over our entire house trying to get rid of unneeded belongings. My biggest noticeable accomplishment so far has been working through the closet under the stairs; I was able to get rid of three large boxes worth of things, so there’s a lot of extra space in there now. (So much so, in fact, that Jack wants to move into it, à la Harry Potter—I say that’s just fine. I’d love another spare room.) Although going through the garage storage was a bigger accomplishment, there are still too many piles of things to be moved elsewhere to see it as a FINISHED project. But the closet! The closet! Look what I did to the closet!

Another thing I’m proud of is getting rid of about 50 friggin’ bottles of craft paint. You know, the ones that cost about $1 on sale, and multiply, I’m pretty sure, as they sit in storage boxes for years. Those. I tossed all the almost-empties and dried up ones, and sorted the rest for donation or sale. I now own NO craft paints. When I need some, I will buy some. So there.

There have been lots of things like that in this de-cluttering process, and that’s what motivates me to keep going. In fact, that reminds me that I need to contact April about the banker box full (yes, FULL!) of diskettes I found—she works for a technotrash recycling company. I wonder what they’ll recommend for the four dusty laptops in my garage. And the 79 serial cables. And the 326 telephone cords.

One rule of thumb I’ve been applying to this huge task is the I-haven’t-seen-or-thought-about-or-needed-this-item-in-at-least-a-year one. It works—sometimes. But it doesn’t apply to everything, so last night I browsed the ‘net looking for ideas to help us thin down our possessions (especially with Katie, because the screaming doesn’t seem to be working). I found one site that recommended just two rules: the above rule, but with six months instead of a year, and simply getting rid of 10-15 percent of all belongings.

This means that if Katie has 300 stuffed animals, she would chuck 30-45 of them. I LOVE that idea! She does not.

There are tons of sites out there with tips on de-cluttering. But I’d like your help. How do you decide whether or not to keep things? How do you decide when it’s time to get rid of something you’ve had for a long time? Generally speaking, what’s your best advice for de-cluttering?

Winner of the best suggestion gets my undying devotion. You can’t buy that, Pal.

Jan. 29: The whole fam dam

The Manullang family went to have portraits done in late December. To get us all in the same country was a big feat, not to mention the same studio. This was an occasion worth celebrating. Here's the big family pic, which will go somewhere on the web site if I ever get around to updating our family pages. Click it for a big'n.



I want to give a shout-out for the photographer, Martha Bieker, of Fun Time Photography. She's done our kids' soccer team pictures the last few years but this was the first time we'd gone to her for family portraits. I was thoroughly impressed with her professionalism and hard work, and she's also a lovely person! When Darlene and I went back to see the proofs, Martha had them set up in a slide show projected onto the wall with delightful musical accompaniment. She had even popped popcorn for us. If you're in the Portland area and looking to have portraits done, I recommend you call Martha. She has a beautiful outdoor setting besides her indoor studio. She also has some of those tickle things to get you to smile. Y'know, just in case you're not feeling the love.

Oct. 4: Beer me

Yesterday Portland City Commissioner Sam Adams announced he's running for mayor. I don't know much about him--and I'm not going to apologize for my ignorance, since I'm a suburbanite and can't vote for him anyway--but I hope he gets elected because then Portland's mayor would have the same name as beeeeeeer. That would really get some people's unders in a bunch.

Heh heh ... it's fun to irritate the uptight.

Oct. 1: Soy = man-boobs

This series of articles is nearly a year old, but still worth reading. I've never heard any of this stuff before and I have no idea how much truth there is to the risks of soy this guy writes about. Sounds a little sketchy to me though.

Soy is making kids gay

Maybe real bacon ain't so bad after all...

Sep. 19: Friggin' idiot

Here's a local news item from katu.com today:

PORTLAND, Ore. (AP) - When a man told Canby police that he took a bullet in Southern California and then traveled by bus all the way to Oregon, the story seemed a little hard to believe.

A new version of events came out last night and it was even more strange.

Jeremy Terwilleger now tells police he stabbed himself with a ball point pen. He took a bus to Portland and stayed with a friend in Canby.

Then on Monday, worried that he'd left part of the pen inside his shoulder, the 29-year-old began digging around with a knife.

He struck an artery and started to bleed heavily. His friend called for help, and Terwilleger was flown to Legacy Emanuel Hospital.

Police officers doubted the gunshot tale because there was no bullet in the shoulder and no exit wound.

Terwilleger told police pain makes him feel alive and that is why he stabbed himself with the pen.

What is wrong with people? It's too bad the guy's friend found him because he was just about to get a well-deserved Darwin award. Geez.

Aug. 22: Pure evil

I say Michael Vick is a bad guy. That's why I think this picture, published at Cute Overload today, is worth spreading across the 'net.

—Jen

Aug. 21: Many milestones

A few things have been happening around here that I have to share.

• Katie passed Level D in swimming last week. We're very proud of her hard work and all she's learned this summer. She started at Level B in July and got through three sessions like a star!
  
• Jack lost his first tooth on Sunday morning. It came out just as he was waking up and he tried so hard to be excited but he was still just soooo sleepy. It was very cute. He's showing off his gap to anyone who shows the slightest interest.
  
• My friend Alisa's birthday was Saturday. I knew it was coming, but I don't think I looked at my calendar the whole time we were at my mom's this past weekend. I'm sorry, Alisa! I hope it was a good birthday and you were showered with many lovely gifts because everyone likes to be showered with many lovely gifts.
  
• I'm mostly finished with a database project I started about four years ago. The milestone part of this is that I have invoiced it and am actually going to get paid for my work. Because it was a contract job and I charged a flat rate, my hourly wage decreased dramatically over the time I worked on it; I think I figured it ended up being about 4¢ an hour. I blame no one but myself for this, but it's still nice to see this project on its way to my archives (and bank account).
  
• Although school doesn't officially start until the week of Labor Day, Jack is going to a "Let's Get Ready for Kindergarten" class this week. This is a great preparatory class because the kids can get familiar with the school and procedures without the chaos of having six other grades in the building. Jack has been excited to go to the same school as Katie, and even though he loves it so far, I can tell he's still nervous. What makes Mommy nervous about that: last year a classmate of Katie's was so freaked out about starting school that he would sneak out of the classroom every morning after his mom dropped him off and hide in the bushes by the front door and cry. Poor little guy. Anyway, I'm hoping what Jack learns this week will keep that kind of crisis at bay.
  
• Everyone loves my seester. Well, at least some hiring folk in Collaradda do.
  
• Jacob broke his arm a few years ago. Alec broke his arm last week. It doesn't take a psychic to deduce that Jack is up next. As I'm not too fond of surprises, I would like some warning, please (are you there, goddess? it's me, jen).
  
• This isn't really a milestone specifically for our family, but it's somewhat huge that High School Musical 2 beat a bunch of records for basic cable TV viewing. I watched the movie yesterday and I have to say that it's really not bad. The music is fun and most of the choreography was good. The acting is what you would expect from young actors, but at least they're nice to look at. 'Specially that yummy little Zac Efron... hubba hubba...

—Jen

Aug. 20: Pass the pigs, please

Have you ever played Pass the Pigs? It's considered a dice game, though I've never seen dice that look quite like these. Players roll the pigs and collect points based on the way they land. More complex combinations mean more points (duh). For instance, a "sider" is when both pigs land on their sides with their dots facing up; it's worth just one point. A "double snouter" is when both pigs land on their snouts, and it's worth 40 points. A "pig out" is when both pigs land on their sides, one with the dot up and one with the dot down. If you roll a "pig out" you lose your points for that turn. The first player to reach 100 points wins.

Trivia: Pass the Pigs was once called "Pig Mania." Definitely an alliterative improvement, hm?

While the game has been around forever, I first heard about it a few years ago and bought several sets as stocking stuffers one Christmas. I kept one for myself and got addicted immediately. It sounds quite stupid, but it's a lot of fun.

This is what my version looks like:


This is how the newer ones are sold:


Warning: the little pigs are soft rubber and your dogs will totally chew them up given the opportunity. Use the storage case!

Of course, there are now lots of online versions. This one is my favorite. If you've played the real game the online ones will make more sense than if you're brand new to it, but either way Pass the Pigs is a big time-waster. Enjoy.

—Jen

July 12: Critter hater

I love animals. They’re cute. They’re cuddly. They’re sweet. They’re all those things people always say about animals. In my lifetime I’ve had dogs, cats, hamsters and even a chick as pets. They’ve always been part of the family. Even L.C., my bitchy cat that moved to Dad’s, is, to me, a sweet girl.

My sister says she loves animals too. I’m not really sure. Y’see, she’s got a history of slaughtering them, or as she always corrects me, “putting them out of their misery.” She thinks she’s doing the right thing. But if they end up dead, does anyone really win?

One time she attacked her kid’s pet tarantula with a shovel. Boy, did the hairy legs fly! Humane thing to do, my butt. (‘Course, I kinda have to side with the murderer on this one, as I don’t know why anyone would keep a spider as a pet. Not a fan o’ the creepy crawlies.)

And another time she ran over a bunny repeatedly and ON PURPOSE. She missed it the first time, so she backed up and tried again. Poor panicked bunny rabbit, probably dropped more than a few pellets each time the tires came oh-so-close. Probably died of a heart attack before the ultimate flattening actually occurred. Bunny’s wife and kids were probably watching from behind a yucca plant at the side of the road.

“Mama, why is that crazy monster lady with the glowing eyes and sharp teeth scaring Daddy? And why is that boy standing in the road yelling, ‘Missed again, Mom…’ over and over? Why isn’t he helping Daddy?”

… SQUISH.

.
.
.

“Never mind, Mama…”

Whenever I think about these two events—and they’re the only two I know about, but there are probably pa-lenty more she hasn’t admitted (people that intentionally smash animals tend to be liars too)—I have to ask myself why I think my sister is so neat-o. Because neat-o people do not kill living creatures (except non-pet spiders and earwigs). Neat-o people don’t make excuses for their fits of insane rage. Neat-o people seek help.

Kath, please seek help.

And somebody needs to warn Shelby and Molly. It’s just a matter of time before the crazy monster lady with glowing eyes and sharp teeth strikes again.

Watch your step, critters…

--Jen
P.S. Rumor’s that she’s tried this extermination thing with her kids’ friends too. Hold them close, people. Hold them close.

July 10: Join me, idiot girls

I have just recently discovered the hilarity that is Laurie Notaro. This morning I finished reading her first book, The Idiot Girls' Action-Adventure Club: True Tales from a Magnificent and Clumsy Life, and am ready to start the next one. She has great titles:

• Autobiography of a Fat Bride: True Tales of a Pretend Adulthood
• We Thought You Would Be Prettier: True Tales of the Dorkiest Girl Alive
• I Love Everybody (and Other Atrocious Lies): True Tales of a Loudmouth Girl
• There's a (Slight) Chance I Might Be Going to Hell: A Novel of Sewer Pipes, Pageant Queens, and Big Trouble

The first book appears to be a bit autobiographical. She reminds me of a cleverer, American Bridget Jones or a non-NYC Carrie Bradshaw with less raunchy friends. The chapters are short and sweet and I think every one of them made me laugh out loud. Apparently Notaro is a columnist for a newspaper in Arizona and her books are based on some of her columns.

If you're looking for a fun read that's light on true crime, check out one of Laurie Notaro's books. You totally trust my judgment, right? (Even if I do not yet love your next husband, Lori?)

Fine. I love you anyway, just a little less.

--Jen

July 8: My new favorite word

"Celebutard"
celebutard (suh.LEB.yoo.tard) n. A celebrity who is or is perceived to be unintelligent. This fine coinage combines celebutante and retard to form a most useful insult in this age of people who are famous only for being famous. The word celebutante was coined in 1939 and is itself a blend of celebrity and debutante; it refers to a person who is a famous socialite. (definition courtesy of Word Spy)

What makes an otherwise normal person a celebutard?

Well, it's the giant handbags...


the ridiculously huge sunglasses...


the underage drinking...


the constant, very public shopping...


and the dogs that get dressed up and taken everywhere. Betcha a nickel celebutards don't bag their dogs' poo, either.


It's also a lot of other things, like thinking you're above the law, assuming everyone cares what you do every minute of your life, believing you're intelligent enough to write your own blog or even post short messages on your web site (if you can't spell, ask for help! GEEZ!), exiting a car while knowing full well that pictures of your lack of underpants will be taken, soliciting sympathy when your ex sells your sex tape, and so on.

Don't be one, mmkay? Thank you.

--Jen

July 6: Can you trust a fat food critic?

We were talking about seeing Ratatouille again today and I've had that mean old food critic, Anton Ego, on the brain. So... guess what, it’s critique time. For Jen... Ego.

Like most people, we tend to go to the same restaurants over and over. These are the ones in our area and what we like to order there.

• Applebees - Love the Santa Fe chicken salad, buffalo ranch chicken sandwich, and maple butter blondie dessert.
  
• Baja Fresh - the only thing I ever order here is the steak burrito Ultimo with no veggie mix (peppers and other gross stuff). It’s delicious. Vic gets the chicken Ultimo. Every time I’ve tried something different I don’t like it.
  
• Bellagio’s Pizza - Their crust is chewy and delicious. Love their variety of sauces too. Expensive.
  
• Burger King - I rarely eat here. I don’t like microwaved burgers.
  
• Burgerville - The plain ol’ cheeseburger is deeeeelicious. Vic usually gets the Tillamook pepper bacon burger. Gotta love their seasonal specials—right now they’re fresh strawberry milkshakes and lemonade and shortcake—and the Mocha Perk shake.
  
• California Pizza Kitchen - My favorite pizza lately is the pear gorgonzola with honey wheat pizza crust. Yum.
  
• Chart House - Haven’t been here in a while, but I always liked the filet.
  
• Chevy’s - I love their chips and salsa and made-to-order guacamole. I think the flautas are pretty good, and I also like the steak fajita burrito. And that sweet corn stuff they put on all the plates is tay-STEE.
  
• Chili’s - Chicken tacos. Their appetizers are good too.
  
• Claim Jumper - So far I haven’t tried anything that wasn’t downright mouth-watering. I mean, it’s comfort food, so what can be bad about that?
  
• Gustav’s - Fondue (or as my cousin Deanna says, fondon’t). They have a chicken-apples-walnuts-greens salad that I usually order. Excellent Reuben sandwich and potato pancakes.
  
• KFC - I never go there.
  
• Macaroni Grill - I just tried the plain ol’ fettuccine Alfredo a few weeks ago and it was probably the best I’ve ever had.
  
• McDonalds - We choose to eat here only when we’re starving and don’t want to wait for food. Unfortunately, between the Happy Meals and play place, it’s almost always K&J’s first choice. French fries are great. Their new southwest chicken salad is good. The sausage McGriddle and hash browns is a yummy, albeit greasy, breakfast. The new cinnamon melts are way too Cinnabon-like to be within walking distance of our home.
  
• Morton’s - Filet Mignon, of course. And that Godiva chocolate cake, omigoddess it’s good! My only complaint is when they bring the cart with the live giant bug (fine, it’s a lobster) to my table. I just know that thing is gonna break through his rubber bands and pinch the crap outta me.
  
• Old Chicago - Haven’t been there forever. Not a big fan of their pizza, but I like their salads. Can’t remember much else.
  
• Olive Garden - Portobello ravioli. Pasta fagioli soup.
  
• Outback - Hate this place. They can’t grill a steak.
  
• Panda Express - What else but orange chicken?
  
• P.F. Changs - Lettuce wraps and hot and sour soup. All the entrees I’ve tried are great.
  
• Quizno’s - We don’t get stuff from here often, but I’ve liked most of the chicken sandwiches I’ve tried.
  
• Red Robin - Nothing beats the Banzai Burger. I like their salads and appetizers too. Scrumptious steak fries.
  
• Ruth’s Chris Steak House - Filet. Broccoli and green beans are perfectly fresh and crunchy and the mashed potatoes are perfect. They have a bananas Foster dessert that is just incredible.
  
• Spaghetti Factory - Is anything not edible on this menu?
  
• Stanford’s - Their Henry’s cheddar soup is delectable, but it’s not on their menu every day. I love their Thai linguine and southwest chopped chicken salad.
  
• Starbucks - The venti mocha is absolute perfection.
  
• Subway - Spicy Italian sub.
  
• Sweet Tomatoes - Bleah. Why I hate this place is all in the name. Actually, if you want a good salad bar, you can’t beat it. Otherwise, no thank you.
  
• Taco Bell - Everything tastes pretty much the same and it’s all filling. Hey, there are worse things.
  
• Taco del Mar - Anything I’ve ever ordered here is good.
  
• Taco Time - As far as I’m concerned, it is never taco time. I'm pretty sure their ground beef is actually dog food (or vegeburger, same thing). Who can mess up Mexican food? Taco Time can. Bleah.
  
• Wendy’s - I like this place fine, but I think their kids’ meals are what’s really special—they actually have choices besides burgers and chicken nuggets. They have deli sandwiches and fruit too.

If you have any additional recommendations, we’d love to hear them. I will promise not to make fun of you even if you like yucky things.

July 5: This is my Hell

Ha! I love this thing. You put in all the hateful people you can think of, rank them, and your nine levels of Hell are created. Look at mine--Ann Coulter is in the "immersed in excrement" level! Could there BE anything more fun? :)

Follow the link at the bottom to create your own Hell, and be sure to share it with me!

--Jen
P.S. I know, it's kinda hard to read with such dark text/background. Sorry. I tried to change it but it was way too much work and not worth it.

bad spellers, The Doodlebops
Circle I Limbo

people who leave their rusty car parts in my yard
Circle II Whirling in a Dark & Stormy Wind

people that just don't get it
Circle III Mud, Rain, Cold, Hail & Snow

that guy that shushed me in church once
Circle IV Rolling Weights

bad drivers, celebrity big-mouth Scientologists
Circle V Stuck in Mud, Mangled

River Styx

General asshats, mean people
Circle VI Buried for Eternity

River Phlegyas

the truly evil so-called "Christians"
Circle VII Burning Sands

Ann Coulter, that evil beeyotch
Circle IIX Immersed in Excrement

and of course, George W. Bush
Circle IX Frozen in Ice

What's your hell like?

Updated 10:30 a.m.
Lori sent her results but apparently they can't be posted in comments. Here is her hell:

People who complain but won't vote
Circle I Limbo

Anyone who orders more than 3 drinks in the Starbuck's drive-thru
Circle II Whirling in a Dark & Stormy Wind

"Kids" who think Acuras can be race cars
Circle III Mud, Rain, Cold, Hail & Snow

People who drive SUV's
Circle IV Rolling Weights

Blind Patriots
Circle V Stuck in Mud, Mangled

River Styx

Dick Cheney
Circle VI Buried for Eternity

River Phlegyas

Karl Rove
Circle VII Burning Sands

George Bush
Circle IIX Immersed in Excrement

Ann Coulter
Circle IX Frozen in Ice

Design your own hell

Love it, Lori! Thanks for playing! --J.

Updated 7/6/07 at 8:50 a.m.
I got this anonymously. Hm, I have no idea whose hell it might be...

Anyone who abandons their kids in an orphanage
Circle I Limbo

Vampires
Circle II Whirling in a Dark & Stormy Wind

Kathie Lee Gifford, Rosie O'Donnell
Circle III Mud, Rain, Cold, Hail & Snow

Colonel-Selects from Peterson AFB who leave their families
Circle IV Rolling Weights

Gangsta Rappers
Circle V Stuck in Mud, Mangled

River Styx

Step-parents
Circle VI Buried for Eternity

River Phlegyas

Anyone with the last name BRIGGMAN
Circle VII Burning Sands

Judgmental SDA's
Circle IIX Immersed in Excrement

Kansas A**holes
Circle IX Frozen in Ice

Design your own hell

July 4: It makes too much sense

St. Francis of Assisi put it best: "Go ye into all the world, preach the gospel and, if necessary, use words." ***

I may be an ordained minister, but I'm anything BUT a fan of organized religion these days. However, I'm impressed with something my friend Kirsten told me is happening at the Hollywood SDA church this summer. Read about The Spot.

What I appreciate most about this particular description of The Spot is in the response to a reader's question about whether it's similar to Vacation Bible School: "There is no Bible involved in this school. And my experience is that VBS ran for one or maybe two weeks. This is 9 weeks, 5 days a week, 8 am to 6 pm. But, to be clear, it has not religious component AT ALL. It is a art-enrichment summer day camp. We have children from all different types of religious backgrounds, and no religious background. I think this kind of non-religious ministry to the community is a good example of seeking the public good and modeling our spiritual values without ramming them down people's throats. More about being, less about saying." (Ryan Bell)

See, some people get it! Isn't that refreshing? Seems like this philosophy could be applied in so many ways...

--Jen

***The first time I read this quote to Victor he said, "Do you know what that means?" and I responded with my interpretation. He listened and then said, "Nope. It means St. Francis was a mime."

July 3: It's all who you know

Well, everything I read in the news lately about that evil president of our otherwise fine country just confirms my suspicions that he sits in his big chair and plays GameBoy all day. Yesterday it was announced that GWB commuted the jail sentence of Lewis "Scooter" Libby, whining that it was "too harsh." Sounds eerily similar to what Paris Hilton was boo-hooing about a few weeks ago.

Here were some of my favorite quotes on this story:

...even with Bush's decision, Libby has a felony conviction on his record, two years probation, a $250,000 fine and probable loss of his legal career.

Yeah, I'm sure the guy's so poor he's headed right over to the soup kitchen. Geez. You know he won't have trouble getting a job. Even if he did, there's always the inevitable book deal. But what happened to the "you do the crime, you do the time"??? This has nothing to do with the crime committed, and never did.

With prison seeming all but certain for Libby, Bush on Monday suddenly spared Vice President Dick Cheney's former chief of staff. His move came just five hours after a federal appeals court panel ruled that Libby could not delay his prison term. The Bureau of Prisons had already assigned Libby a prison identification number.

Whew. There was a stressful five hours. Betcha Scooter was awful worried.

Democrats have charged cronyism in Bush's sparing Libby jail time. But Snow said, "The president does not look upon this as granting a favor to anyone, and to do that is to misconstrue the nature of the deliberations. He spent a lot of time trying to figure out how to maintain the faith in the jury system, and he did that by keeping intact the conviction and some of the punishments," Snow said.

How did Tony Snow not burst out laughing when he answered that??? Because I think I snorted pizza right out my nose when I read it.

...the president made the decision without seeking any advice from the Office of the Pardon Attorney at the Justice Department, the White House had previously said.

He didn't seek advice on the decision? I'm shocked!

[Tony] Snow defended Bush's decision to not follow the usual course of running the matter past the Justice Department, saying details of the case were still fresh in everybody's mind, and that the president did not need to be brought up to date on details.

Details, shmetails. God forbid you interrupt him with anything important. Besides, I'm sure he was totally paying attention throughout the entire process and a briefing was totally not necessary.

Pressed on whether someone in the administration owed the American public an apology, Snow said, "I'll apologize. Done."

This is what I appreciate so much about our current administration. Their sincerity. They're all so NOT dismissive when it comes to public opinion.

And, finally, I'll close with this understatement from Nancy Pelosi. "Bush's decision showed the president 'condones criminal conduct.'"

My heart rate is still up, but I feel a little better having spewed some of this. Anything you'd like to add, Lori?

--Jen

July 1: Uncle Ron rocks

How does Uncle Ron rock? Let me count the ways. There are at least two that I discovered just today.

This morning I opened the garage and Jack screamed, "I can't believe Uncle Ron cleaned our whole garage! He's amazing!!" Y'see, last week Ron (Kathy's ball and chain, for the uninformed) cleared our car-hole of some of Dad's woodworking tools. They'd been there since January, so we'd gotten used to seeing a pretty full garage. It appears Jack was more shocked than anyone that there's actually enough cleared space for a vehicle to fit in there now.

I feel I should point out that Ron was neither cleaning up his own mess, nor was he doing something I asked him to do. He was just being nice. Also, I think it was quieter out there than it ever is inside the house, so I kinda can't blame him for spending a whole afternoon giving our garage the white glove treatment just to get a little respite from the noisy dogs and noisier kids.

Here's the second reason Ron rocks: today Vic got out the miter saw and several pieces of floor trim and worked on our kitchen. I can't think of any reason this would happen except either the guy is really, truly NOT Victor (read my earlier suspicions) or all Ron's hard work made Vic feel a little guilty about it being nearly three years since we have worked on finishing our kitchen floor trim. I bow in humble reverence to the influence of my brother-in-law; it is a sight to behold.

Oh, and in case you were wondering, the floor trim thing has been Vic's responsibility, not mine, from the very beginning, and for good reason: can you imagine me trying to operate a miter saw? Or an electric saw of any kind? I would surely lose a finger or six. In other words, the trim would've been done a long time ago if I could have done it myself. Or if I had been more of a nag. But I'm not a nag. I'm a loving, devoted, non-nagging wife who would never nag her husband.

Um... back to Ron. He impressed the h-e-double-hockeysticks out of Jack over the garage, and me over the bee that is now in Vic's arse. Gotta love it. Thanks, dood.

--Jen
P.S. Although the timing might make you question it, Kath, this is not in response to your "Eye of the Tiger" post... really... that would be too obvious, and I'm no copycat. Am not!!

July 1: KMA, K-E-M

A few months ago I wrote about 7-11 stores transforming into Kwik-E-Marts to promote the upcoming Simpsons movie (view that post here). Today I read that the transformation is complete, and the stores are located in New York City; Chicago; Dallas; Denver; Burbank, Calif.; Los Angeles; Henderson, Nev.; Orlando, Fla.; Mountain View, Calif.; Seattle; and Bladensburg, Md.

What? No Portland stores? I implore you, how does this possibly do me any good? Life's just one big disappointment after another, i-in't it?

I love you anyway (grrrrrr...).

--Jen

June 29: Stamping and shouting

The other day my car visited Lori and came back with a new butt ornament:


(BTW, Lori, it took me about 18 hours to see it. Vic noticed it within one, but assumed I came home from Mom's with it.)

It reminded me of a few things. One, George W. Bush is a freakin' jackass and a liar whose pants are most likely on fire. But it also reminded me of a way-cool magnetic bumper sticker store that Lori told me about last year. (One of the coolest things about magnetic bumper stickers is that you really don't have to commit to a point of view. Heh heh.) The magnets I have already purchased:





And a few others on which I have my eye (click for larger versions):









The rumor is that Lori has a trunk overflowing with these stickers and switches them out often on her Prius. You're gonna have to get a new one, though, because I'm totally keeping my “no W,” Lori! ...though I might sneak it onto my father-in-law's car as a super duper funny prank...

Anyone with half a brain knows that if cars covered with bumper stickers didn't look so trashy there'd be a lot more political statements on the road (mostly anti-Bush because, as I may have mentioned, he's a jackass and everybody knows it including you even if you're afraid to admit it and yes, in case you've missed it, I'm incredibly open-minded and willing to hear all sides of a debate and would never roll my eyes over someone's stupid opinions. Never.).

And lastly, the political statement on my car's arse reminded me that I have been asked to solicit suggestions for the non-proverbial writing on my mom's wall. Y'see, Kathy and I want her to have a pithy statement written artistically on her new living room wall and we have not yet found the perfect one. So far Mom has nixed our best ideas:

• “OK, who am I givin' the finger to today?”
  
• “A friend will bail you out of jail. A true friend will be sitting there beside you saying, “DAMN, that was fun!”
  
• “A friend gives you an alibi. A good friend helps you hide the body.”
  
• “Why is there more horse's asses than there is horses?”
  
• “Well-behaved women rarely make history”
  
• “Jen's my favorite”

It can't be political because we don't want Mom to look like those ninnies that are still driving around with John Kerry stickers on their cars. Please submit your ideas!

Many lovies and thanks, Lori!

--Jen

June 19: You are hereby damned

When you're really, truly angry for a perfectly justifiable reason ... when there are so few people who know how to properly punctuate their writing no matter how much you complain and mock ... when the Xanax bottle is empty ... when that bitch keeps taking the good parking spot ... when you're ready to sic a ninja on anyone who dares speak to you ... when you just don't want to take it out on the dog again ... when you think you'll die if you have to hear the "High School Musical" soundtrack one more time ... when your Internet connection is so @^#$*#% slow ... when sending a dead possum in the mail again just seems a bit too much ... when people continue to put two spaces between sentences ... when you have to push "mute" every time you hear that jackass of a president try to speak ... when flames are shooting out your ears because the phone won't stop ringing ... when Taco Bell just can't get your order right ...

Don't just sit there. Do something. Visit You Are Damned to damn a soul or twelve. It's one of the most valuable services available on the web, it's free, and you'll feel better.

Your dog will thank you.

--Jen
P.S. By having shared this brilliant web site with you, I am immune from all damning. Don't even think about it.

June 18: Camping sucks

I hate tomatoes. I may have mentioned that earlier today. But I also hate camping. This hatred can easily be traced back to the way I had to camp when I was a teen. The jackass that took us refused to pay for a camp site, so he would park on the side of a gravel road. Anywhere. There were no facilities, no fire pits, no running water, no hookups of any kind. Got the picture? That was how we camped, and it was a nightmare from start. To. Finish.

Showers? Who needs 'em?

Toilets? Find a stump.

I know! You're probably saying, "That is not camping! That is something homeless people do because they don't have a choice! It is not fun! It is not an adventure! It is not anything but you being cheap and filthy and cheap!"

I bet you're jealous you didn't grow up with that jackass. (He was not my father, by the way. This guy didn't give a $#!+ about me or Kathy, and we felt just about the same toward him. Not that I'm bitter or anything... )

Anyway, whenever the subject of camping has come up in the past 15 years or so, I do whatever is necessary to get out of the potential outing. My friends think I'm crazy because many of them love camping. But they are clearly idiots. "Camping" to me and Kathy, now that we can be bossy and control our environment somewhat, is a hotel with no room service. Blame the jackass for making us "camp" in hellish conditions, and blame our mom and dad for being ultra-clean bathing-type folk. Those things really just don't go together.

Unless you go camping with Carolyn Neil. She sweeps her camp sites. She makes delicious food that most people would not dare attempt while camping. She's a delightful camping hostess. I'll bet she even showers.

... and I have forgotten the point I was trying to make.

.
.
.

Oh yes. I read this frightening article online and it just adds fuel to my non-camping fire. Read this tragic and horrific news item.

To sum up, I shall paraphrase the title of my favorite Charlie & Lola book: I will never not ever go camping.

I may hate camping, but it doesn't change my feelings for you one bit. Lovies!

--Jen