Sept. 13: Life's more painless for the brainless

It's official, I'm a soccer mom™. Katie joined a soccer league a few weeks ago and had her first game last weekend. It was at 8:30 on a Saturday. Yes, you read that right. 8:30! No one in their right mind should be up at that hour! If I had known there would be games that early I wouldn't have signed her up. I mean, it's not like the kids play an actual game. They're spending too much time finding bugs in the grass, and waving to their parents on the sidelines to follow a soccer ball around a field. Actually, it's all very entertaining, though I think Vic is going to play "single parent" the next time we have a game that early. Bleah.

Katie started kindergarten last week and loves it. Jack's in preschool two days a week and is doing well so far, but then, he's only gone 1½ times.

We painted our bedroom last weekend. It had been navy blue for a few years and I was looking for something a little less dramatic, so we went with a soft bluish-green ocean-y color. I changed the curtains and all the bedding to white. We assembled the nightstand lamps we bought at Ikea a hundred years ago, and I can also finally display the beautiful spring water candle lamp I got at the last candle party I went to. The room has changed so much; it's calming and lovely and bright and makes me feel happy. Vic doesn't get how a room color can do that, but he knows better than to make fun.

My friend Debi is having a baby! She's ten weeks behind Deanna's pregnancy, and I think it's safe to say those sisters have made their parents giddy with grandparently joy. Now, as a public service, I offer the following name suggestions for the new additions, courtesy of the Cornwall Records Office researchers in London:

  • Abraham Thunderwolff
  • Freke Dorothy Fluck Lane
  • Boadicea Basher
  • Philadelphia Bunnyface
  • Susan Booze
  • Elizabeth Disco
  • Edward Evil
  • Fozzitt Bonds
  • Truth Bullock
  • Charity Chilly
  • Gentle Fudge
  • Obedience Ginger
  • Offspring Gurney

And then there are Ed's favorites, Syllabi and Memoranda. Yes, Debi and Deanna, you're welcome. You know you can always count on me to help with the important things.

I don't have much else to say, but want to share some silly stuff with y'all. First, a joke:

Bad Dog!

One day I noticed my dog dragging something under the fence. To my dismay it was the next-door neighbor's 10-year-old daughter's rabbit. For years I had watched her come home from school and head straight to its cage, free it and play with it in the yard. I knew today would be no different, and fearing for our dog I had to think fast. The rabbit was quite dirty, as if it had put up quite a struggle, so I washed it off with the hose, combed it with the dog brush, and blew it dry with the leaf blower. Upon finishing its grooming I hopped the fence and placed it in its cage, hoping its death would be written off as "natural causes." Within the hour the neighbor's car pulled in as usual and out popped the little girl. As usual, she headed straight for the cage, only this time she stopped about six feet away and screamed, "DADDY!!" Her father, panic stricken, stood looking at the cage. Being the good neighbor that I am I rushed to the fence and asked if there was anything I could do. Her father less than calmly blurted, "What kind of sick individual would dig up a little girl's dead rabbit and put it back in its cage?"

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists: two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!" The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job." The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home." Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. The agents heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."

If you've ever had a bad seat on an airplane, you'll appreciate this complaint letter (thanks, Deb!). I checked it out at and it appears to be authentic, but even if it wasn't, it's still pretty darn funny. View the PDF.

Thinking of joining a cult but just can't decide which one? Here's something that might help you narrow down your choices (because who wouldn't want magic unders???): Cults: A Handy Reference Guide

OK, that's enough silliness for today. Feel free to forward more to me at --


P.S. Almost forgot! Here's a pic of our country's fine leader during Katrina coverage:

Couldn't have said it better my own damn self.

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