July 10: Car talk

In Laurie Notaro's book, The Idiot Girls' Action-Adventure Club, she tells about running over a gas can that then gets wedged under her car. She doesn't know it, though, and calls AAA because surely such a noise means that her car is about to die. Before the tow truck arrives a policeman stops and discovers the gas can. He gets it out from under the car and leaves laughing. Laurie is humiliated.

As I read this I thought, "Oh yeah, she's an idiot girl, all right." Because I probably would have done the same thing. I mean, I can't imagine how she ran over a big gas can without realizing it, but I could identify with just about everything else.

I cannot change a tire. I know what a flat one looks like but I don't know the first thing to do about it, especially if it's raining. If you asked me to point to my battery I might be able to do that because they show car batteries on TV commercials. Spark plug, whuh? I don't know what a carburetor does or looks like. Because I live in Oregon, I'm not allowed to know how to pump gas. And while traveling out of state I make someone else do it because I get gas all over my hands and am pretty sure I would not-so-spontaneously combust if I don't clean it off properly. I wouldn't know where to check my oil if you held a gun to my head. And if you asked me to point to my clutch I'd have to think about it for a little while before I remember I drive an automatic (they don't come equipped with clutches, right?).

My dad would be so ashamed. I made it a special point to not ever mention any of these things to him while he was alive. Right now his ashes--which are on top of my china cabinet--are creating a tornado, I'm sure; otherwise my china's rattling around for a totally different reason.

I know how to turn on my hazard lights. I have AAA. I pay my membership fee every year and the only thing I have ever asked in return is that they give me some travel guides and maps. So I think calling one of their dudes to come change a tire for me wouldn't be such a bad thing, especially if it's raining. Vic is incredibly ashamed that I think that. I try to not ever mention my lack of car knowledge to him because he'll drag me out by the hair and make me change tires until I can do it like a pit crew.

I pull the "helpless and naive idiot girl" card when it helps me most. Don't we all?

--Jen