Jan. 26: Choosing joy (between clenched teeth)

My self-improvement effort this year is to choose joy; when faced with a situation that has the potential to super-duper piss me off, I want to try NOT to be pissed off. I don’t know if that’s how everyone else defines the “choosing joy” thing, but that’s how I’m doing it, because it has the greatest potential to being life-changing for me. I realize this is a very lofty goal. ;)

When crossed, my usual first reaction is to defend myself. This might be because I’m human, but also because dissension and confrontation make my heart beat too fast and I prefer for everyone to always be on the same side for always and ever ever ever… or at least not to be assholes. During the State of the Union address last week, when so many Republicans refused to applaud or even pay attention to what the president was saying? Oh. Em. Gee. That made me furious, not because they disagreed with the president (that’s their right), but because their behavior was completely childish. And while I know we’ll never reach consensus on how this country should best be run, do we have to be assholes?

(That answer for many would, apparently, be “Yes, because Obama.”)

  Choose joy, Jen. Choose it. It’s right there. Embrace it.

Ooooooommmmmmmmm…

Sometimes I read the news and think, “Why is this news?” because the issue seems so the-answer-is-clear-why-would-anyone-argue-with-this? straightforward. Example: “bee stings hurt!” Duh. They do. That’s probably 95 percent fact (I suppose some people like ‘em). Not news.

Articles about the importance of getting our kids vaccinated so we don’t revive long-dead pandemic diseases? WHY IS THIS NEWS? It’s news because people have chosen not to vaccinate after a few celebrities said vaccinations are bad. Not scientists, or physicians, or people who actually know what they’re talking about, but people who are beautiful and happen to have a platform.

Brilliant parenting move, people. Brilliant move, too, as a member of the human race.

I take these irresponsible decisions personally, because my immune system was completely zapped during chemotherapy. I did my best to stay away from places where I could easily be infected—airplanes, crowds in general—but couldn’t avoid the occasional risk. The idea that someone I encountered might be carrying measles, and my body couldn’t have fought it off? Geez. It’s scary to think there are people out there who don’t even know they have a weakened immune system, and they go on a little ol’ vacation and come home with the Plague. (Worst souvenir ever.)

There was a piece in The Onion last week about parents’ choice to immunize their kids. It’s satire, but only barely.

So, I’d love to choose joy when I read about WHY people aren’t vaccinating their kids, but it ain’t easy.

Same thing, though slightly less significant for the short term, with, saaaay, climate change deniers. How do people so easily disregard scientific facts? And how is that EVER a political issue?

It kinda reminds me about a Sabbath School teacher who insisted dinosaurs, like unicorns, weren’t real because they weren’t mentioned in the Bible. I remember wondering then, even at nine years old, what those huge fossils archaeologists had found were, if dinosaurs never existed.

Goodness and gracious. Serenity now.

My biggest challenge, obviously, is choosing joy when I see absolutely no joy in or around a situation. It becomes even more challenging when the situation involves people who have attacked me personally. I asked a very wise friend about how to deal with these things better, and she assured me that karma is a very real thing; if I can believe that all people eventually get what they deserve, I can probably back off from my need to exact revenge on the mean ones. She was very right.

I’m not perfect, and there’s still time for me to get fed up with choosing joy, but nowadays, when rotten stuff comes along and I just can’t get it out of my head, my method of coping goes like this:

1. I remind myself that we get out of life what we put in. When I’m especially hurt or angry, I like to think of driving the karma bus through a parking lot full of mean people. (I don’t think that’s exactly what my wise friend had in mind, but hey, it works for me.)
2. I watch cat videos on the Internet, read quotes about kindness and authenticity, pet my critters, cook stuff, or clean.
3. I make a conscious choice not to be angry, hurt, or sad about things/people not in my control.
4. Sometimes it works. More often than not, it works.

If you’re looking to be less critical and/or bothered by the things around you, here’s my advice to you:

1. Ignore it if you can.
2. Distract yourself.
3. Express yourself in a way that will not hurt others (write in a journal, create something, scream into a pillow)
4. If possible, find a way to fix the things that bother you—as Gandhi said, “Be the change you wish to see in the world.”
5. If those things don’t work, avoid people and weapons and alcohol and posting on Facebook. In other words, don’t be an asshole.

Take it from me, because, y’know, I have no idea what I’m talking about.

Jan. 9: Choosing joy

About a month ago, I started doing a bit of celebrating in my head, because it’s been five years since I was diagnosed with lymphoma, and four since I was told it was in remission.

From the beginning of the fight in November ‘09, I talked about having a big party once we’d kicked cancer’s big, fat, ugly, hairy ass. That party never happened, for lots of reasons; mostly, though, I didn’t feel like I was completely finished with cancer, y’know? The doctors promised frequent tests for at least two years—they’ve gone on for much longer—and I still have to go to the chemo room every few weeks to have my port flushed. Post-treatment, I never felt the time was right for a big party, or even a small one.

And while it appears that my body continues to be cancer-free, I’ve been told TWICE in the past four years that it wasn’t (lesson learned: scans answers lots of questions, but the facts are in the biopsy results). This has been more than a little bit frustrating, obviously, but it also reminds me that we’re never really DONE with cancer, are we? And I say “we” because regardless of whose body contains the cancer cells, we all fight, we all celebrate, we all mourn. (Except the assholes. They’re just assholes.)

This feeling that cancer has no end is something I never anticipated. During treatment, the goal is remission. It’s the key to everything related to treatment. Remission, remission, remission. People assume that “remission” means “life goes back to normal.” To physicians, though, “remission” actually means “no evidence of disease,” and although they encourage the patient to celebrate this milestone, they do it with the reminder that remission is often temporary.

This is the part that makes me want to say all the swears.

As much I don’t want to live in constant fear of my cancer coming back, I admit that it crosses my mind more than I should let it. I don’t let it interfere with my everyday stuff—that’s been a conscious decision—but when I think toward the future, the possibility of recurrence looms. Thinking that way makes me angry at myself. It makes me angry at my dad for passing his pessimistic traits to me, and it makes me angry at whoever he got his from. Stoopid ancestors! It just makes me angry.

I don’t want to be afraid, and I don’t want to be angry, but it is my nature to be both of those things. CUUUUUURSE MYYYY NAAAAATUUUURE!!

I’m doing my best to push aside fear and anger in favor of joy—it’s a new thing I’m trying this year (I hate the word “resolution,” but that’s exactly what it is). As I anticipate cancer tests coming up later this month, I want to think happy thoughts. Unhappy thoughts make me frowny and mean. Happy thoughts make me… um… happy. Hopeful, even. Happy and hopeful are good.

And if the tests in fact do say “cancer,” I shall fight that cancer. OK, first I’ll say all the swears and get drunk and throw shit, but I will eventually put on my combat boots (fuzzy slippers) and deal with it, like I did so successfully five years ago. Like WE did five years ago. And maybe instead of planning one BIG party, we can just party every time we get a chance? I like that idea.

Just, y’know, do me a favor and don’t ever get cancer, ok? It’s the suckiest thing that ever sucked and sometimes it has a super-sad ending and that sucks even more. Just… don’t. Thanks. :)

Also, feel free to adopt my resolution as your own. I wouldn’t mind being surrounded by joyful people. Just keep the snark. Snarky joy—it’s totally a thing.

Nov. 5: A favorite place

When you think of your favorite place, is that place an actual location or is it more like a state of mind? For me, it’s either or both. My favorite locations—where I’m happiest, I think—are an (uncrowded) beach, Sunriver, Disneyland Resort, San Francisco, and Maui. I’d add Paris, France to the list but-cept being in a country where people pretend they don’t understand English stresses me out.

State of mind-wise, I’d say my favorite place is wherever I’m around people with which I’m able to be myself… the ones who “get” me… who aren’t competitive… who can relax too… who make even boring stuff fun. Here’s art I found on Pinterest that sums up this state of mind pretty well:

  

I’m fortunate to have a lot of friends who bring love and laughter wherever they go, which means I spend time in my favorite place frequently. How lucky am I?

So no, I don’t have to leave home to be in my favorite place, but I’ll be honest: an opportunity to leave home is almost never refused. I say this just in case you were planning to give me a vacation for Christmas but are now thinking it’s not what I want. IT IS TOTALLY WHAT I WANT, OK?

Yep, I’m doing another blog challenge. This one is photo-riffic!

Apr. 17: Spreading more joy

Wherever there is a human in need, there is an opportunity for kindness and to make a difference.

I wrote the other day about spreading joy to others. In light of the bombing in Boston this week, I’m feeling even more that spreading joy needs to become a much bigger focus of my life. I’ve found a gazillion web sites dedicated to this, and I’ll share just a few of the ideas that I think could be totally do-able for me.

• Smile at people. I have no problem making eye contact and smiling at strangers, but when I’m on the receiving end of a stranger’s smile I sometimes feel kinda creeped out. Proceed with caution—that’s all I’m saying.
• Give genuine compliments
• Be thoughtful
• Donate to worthy causes that align with your values. This is more of a good deed thing than spreading joy—it is to me, anyway; I think of spreading joy as being more immediate and personal than making a donation to Goodwill or American Cancer Society. Still, donating is good good good.
• Give a handwritten note of encouragement or appreciation
• Pick flowers from your garden and give them away
• Seek out a store manager and let them know when a clerk has been particularly helpful
• Comment on a blog. Facebook comments are delightful to receive, but the ones left directly on the blog are really special.
• Let your kids pick out your clothes for work one day (yikes!)
• Invite a friend out for coffee
• Text a friend you haven’t contacted in a while, just to let them know they’re on your mind
• Surprise your spouse and kids with a COOKED breakfast on a busy weekday
• Write a note to your kids to tell them you’re proud they belong to you
• Help your kids spread joy too!
• Make up “care bags” and give them to homeless people (fill a large Zip-loc bag with things like a bar of soap, shampoo, sunscreen, toothbrush, flossers, toothpaste, razor, comb, Band-aids, Chapstick, emery boards, hand sanitizer, deodorant, pack of wet wipes, Kleenex, gum, mints, nuts, energy bars, socks)
• “Like” a small business on Facebook
• Leave a dollar in a library book
• Put a birdfeeder on the ground, just for the squirrels (I bet they’ll be suspicious)
• Tape change to a vending machine
• Tip 100%
• Hand out free popsicles to the neighborhood kids

The best part of life is not just surviving, but thriving with passion and compassion and humor and style and generosity and kindness. ~Maya Angelou

Now, go be nice. Let’s make the goodness in the world bigger than the evil.