Jan. 22: “Forks” is somethin’ different to me

You’ve met my friend Random Sunshine™, right? She’s adorable and funny and if I didn’t love her I’d have to hate her, because the girl’s got it ALL. Ever since we met last spring, we’ve said to each other, “No way! You do that too?!” lots of times—LOTS of times. She loves Zac Efron just like I do (shut up, Sheila). We text back and forth during TV comedies. We quote Liz Lemon (our hero) to each other. We laugh a LOT. Being friends with Sunshine makes me feel like I’m not all alone in my weirdness, and possibly that I’m maybe not all that weird after all.

We’re a lot alike, Sunshine and me, but we’re not identical. For instance—and this is a big’n, folks—Sunshine is a Twilight fan or Twilighter or Twi–head or Twerd or Fan-pire or whatever they’re called. And I am sooo not one of those. (If you’ve been paying attention, you know that I have an extraordinary fear of vampires and vampire accessories.) When I discovered that Sunshine is a fellow blogger, I was thrilled… until the first time I read one of her posts, which was the first of what ended up being three friggin’ entries about how she went Twilight-scouting. (I know you’re totally clicking through to read it, Jen E… I’ll wait.)

Several scenes of the Twilight movies were filmed within a couple miles of where we live, though most were in the farther reaches of the Portland area and beyond, even up into British Columbia. This makes Twilight-Scouting a super-popular activity for those wacky Twilight fans who think the many locations around here that were at one time meant to be Forks, Washington are the most romantic places this side of Full-of-Freaks-Crazytown, USA.

And I am friends with one of these freaks. Gah.

Alright, well, in spite of her fixation with all things vampire, Sunshine and I continue to hang out. And I read her blog faithfully because she sometimes posts non-Twilight things. There might even be nut-job stuff about me that she suffers through too. Probably every time she says goodbye, she thinks “How am I supposed to put up with this girl’s obsession with perfect hair skin teeth posture punctuation?”

After our PTO board meeting this morning, Sunshine and I went out for coffee. That was our intention, anyway. By the time we’d run a couple errands, we decided we were not just in need of coffee, but food too. We threw a bunch of restaurant ideas around, and finally settled on Carver Café. I’d never been there before but Sunshine promised it was yummy. I like yummy.

Carver Café is not very far from where we live—within a couple miles, in fact. Can you guess where I’m going with this story?

Just as we walked in the door to the restaurant, Sunshine said, “Maybe we can even sit at the Twilight table!” and all of a sudden it hit me where I’d heard of Carver Café: it played a starring role in Part Deux of her Twilight-Scouting blog featurette. I was all NO WAY I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU BROUGHT ME HERE WTF?

But don’t worry. I totally forgave her and we’re still friends.

We ordered really unhealthy food and it was delicious and I’m definitely going back when I’m hungrier so I can eat more just like it. Because look at this:

That is the sausage-iest country gravy EVER. Sooo good.

And here’s Sunshine’s order. That bacon is thick and meaty and, like, right off the pig! (Pssst… I like when breakfast is so gravy-laden that it spills over the edge of the plate. It’s good luck, right?)

We didn’t sit at the Twilight table. In fact, Carver Café didn’t even seem like a very Twilight-y place (I don’t know what a Twilight-y place would be, exactly, but my guess is it would involve lots of teen girls taking turns sitting IN THE CHAIR EDWARD ACTUALLY SAT IN OMG! and asking the waitresses to take their pictures.) There were Twilight Barbies on display and I asked Sunshine if she needed a moment alone with the Edward Barbie—she didn’t. Big, grown-up girl… I’m so proud of her… <sniff!>

The most Twilight-y thing I did in the Carver Café was use a FORK to eat my delicious meal. (Ha! A FORK. Get it? I’m hilare.)

Jul. 23: Thursday night

I have no excuse for not writing the last couple days except that I could not think of a single thing to say. For a blogger, I think that’s a valid excuse for not posting.

I’m busy with way too many details in the big bedroom re-do project, still nursing my aching back and therefore not sleeping well, and trying to get the kids where they need to go when they need to be there. I’ve also been working a little, and doing my darndest to stay indoors during the hottest part of every day.

Millie hasn’t brought in any more little critters—live or dead—though not for lack of trying. She’s a determined little thing. I got her a metal ID tag that makes more tinkly noises than the plastic one did. She’s tried to get me back for that by smothering me while I sleep. I swear, the cat will NOT leave me alone at night. This morning I woke up with fang marks on my neck, so I suspect she’s looking into murderous techniques other than suffocation by cat blubber.

The thing is, if the fang marks aren’t from Millie, it can only mean that vampires have attacked me (poorly) while I slept. This has been a fear for as long as I can remember, and so I always sleep with my neck covered. I decided long ago that if a vampire approached me while I slept and saw my neck covered with a sheet or blanket, he wouldn’t go to the trouble of moving the sheet or blanket aside, or biting through it or anything like that. Apparently *my* vampires are kinda lazy. One of the most unsettling parts of the back pain I’ve been experiencing is that I frequently have to sleep sitting up, and that means it’s difficult for me to keep a blanket shoved up around my neck. Stupid gravity.

…And now guess who’ll be having nightmares tonight? I blame you.

Apr. 10: I'm a-scared

I think it’s pretty normal that we all have irrational fears (and yes, I realize that statement is an oxymoron but I’m not gonna fix it). These are some things that freak me out, and in my little brain they are totally rational fears.

1. I never, ever sleep on my side with the back of my neck uncovered. Why? Because this would leave me completely exposed to a vampire’s attack. For some reason the front of my neck is safe.
   
   
2. Spiders. I hate ‘em. Like most kids, I had tarantula nightmares for years after seeing the Hawaii episodes of The Brady Bunch. Don’t try to explain all the good things spiders do. I won’t listen. To me they’re all hairy, fanged, murderous beasts. Needless to say, I don’t do that "rescue" thing when I find them indoors. They get smooshed as quickly as possibly, preferably by anyone other than me.
   
   
3. Movies/TV shows where someone is being watched and doesn’t know it. When I was about 12 I was on a babysitting gig and watched Little House on the Prairie; remember that harmless little program? Yeah, the scariest thing that ever happened usually had something to do with that diabolical Nellie Oleson, not a stalking and rape. Sheesh. I watched the whole episode, turned off the TV and sat frozen on the couch until the parents came home. I hardly slept that night. Or the next night. It completely freaked me out, especially the scenes shot from the clown/rapist’s point of view. I just couldn't get it out of my head. No thanks. Just writing about it gives me the shivers again. I lost sleep over The Firm too, both while reading the book and again after I saw the movie. There was also a CSI: Crime Scene Investigation not too long ago that was a little too stalker-y for my liking. Nothing gives me nightmares more predictably than seeing this kind of stuff. Yikes-a-hootie.
   
   Now, you’d think after that Little House episode that clowns would creep me out too. They don’t. I’m not terribly fond of clowns, but I’m not afraid of them.
   
   
4. After taking a shower, I always put on a robe before I walk out of the bathroom because I’m never sure what’s going to be on the other side of that door. No question where this overcautious behavior stems from; my King Kamehameha Meanie Big Sister™ threw me outside naked after my bath many, many times when we were little.
   
   
5. If Vic is already asleep when I go to bed, I always check to make sure it's really him before I climb in. I check again if I get up to go to the bathroom during the night. Thank you, When a Stranger Calls.
   
   
6. Fire. I’m actually quite fascinated by fire—just ask my burn-scarred lab partners from junior-year chem—but I’m deathly afraid of freak-fires. Y’know, the ones that start during the night and are caused by excess lint in the laundry vent or a short in a power cord or spontaneous combustion or a spark from a hair dryer being blown into my hair while I fan the flame as I innocently groom myself. I think this fear is partly because of a story I read about Helen Keller once where an extension cord under her bed sparked a fire and she barely escaped. (Yeah, thanks to whoever gave us that historical biography book series. Good choice.)
   
   
7. Falling down an escalator. I mean, can you imagine the bruises?

Call me crazy, whatever. Let's hear some of your cuckoo fears. I'm sure they're much more rational.

--J.
P.S. I'm also afraid of cuckoos.