Aug. 14: Back, baby.

For a while there, my blog was dying a slow death. Blogging frequently is a habit that has to be developed, for sure, and my habit has gone in waves over the 15 years I’ve been writing—there are times I have so much to share that I can’t hit the “publish” button soon or often enough, and other times when most of what’s happening in my life is not write-about-able.

In the past several months I’ve opted to considerably filter my writing, which I’ve never been all that careful to do. I started journaling on paper again because putting my thoughts into words is so therapeutic for me—I realized I needed to get them down, whether anyone else could read them or not. And now, as I look back at the things I felt I couldn’t/shouldn’t share on my blog, I see that some weren’t really that big a deal anyway; I plan to write about those in coming weeks. Others were a big deal and still are, and those will stay in my journal for now.

It is not my intention to be all mysterioso and vague, so I’ll give you an idea of some of these things—though I think most of you already know.

• Now that I’m nearly four years post-treatment, I try to keep the cancer talk to a minimum here. When a person is told their cancer is in remission, it’s easy for an outsider to think of celebrating and being done with it—y’know, move on, next chapter. But it’s not that simple, because cancer doesn’t just end. Follow-up tests go on and on. Side effects linger. Fear and frustration are enemies that like to hang out on the fringe of everything I do. While I have welcomed the return to many of my pre-cancer ways of life, there are some things that have been forever changed by my experience, and I deal with them regularly. Some of it really sucks and because I don’t want it to suck, I try to fold those things in with the rest of life—because I am alive and I do know how fortunate I am for that and I am moving forward—but there are always challenges. You would tire of hearing about them as often as they come up—trust me on this. That’s why I don’t write about it often. But to the people who might think GEEZ, SHE’S STILL TALKING ABOUT CANCER???, I have a middle finger I’d like to show you. Maybe two. And I know other people who’d love to show you theirs too.
• A few years ago my relationship with a person who had always been—and I thought always would be—in my life came to an abrupt end. She made accusations, I tried to explain myself, and she said she refused to get in a pissing contest. I took that to mean there was no sense in me arguing (that is what that means, right?), so I backed off. She then decided I did this because I was angry, and now blames my anger as the reason we don’t speak. I find a tiny bit of comfort knowing that I am not the only person she’s done this to. But ugh—it’s like dealing with my grandma all over again: nothing is ever her fault. So, if this is such a big deal, why don’t I write more about it publicly? One, because it would annoy the hell out of whatever audience I have here. And two, because I feel an unreasonable duty to protect this person. I know it makes absolutely no sense, but there you have it. 
• I’ve occasionally mentioned that I deal with depression and anxiety. It’s surprising how many people still think these are not diseases but “moods” (oh, they are soooo not moods), and that they’re a choice, that it’s just a matter of deciding to be happy and deciding not to worry. Some of the people who think depression/anxiety = psychopath are people I love, and when they’re vocal about it, I take it personally. These illnesses are complex and un-fun to deal with, and it’s not exaggerating to say they affect EVERY part of one’s life. I am able to keep my head above water and am generally living a normal human existence, thanks to things and more things.
• Partly related to the above item, I have been trying to avoid blogging about whatever is inciting my latest rage or concern (though I will make exceptions for topics like, oh, OUR HEINOUS HOMEOWNERS’ ASSOCIATION). These triggers push me up on a soapbox that can get me in trouble or make me seem highly unlikable. That ain’t good. Worse, my triggers can send me into a funk from which I find great difficulty to recover. For instance, I’m not writing about Robin Williams, even though he’s been on my mind so much this week. I have thoughts, I do. They could be spread across several posts and I’d still have more. But for purposes of self-protection, I just can’t let myself dwell. (I do want to share, though, this beautifully composed sentence I read on a fashion site, of all places, immediately after the cause of Robin Williams’ death became public; I think it is such a realistic way to describe the tragedy of suicide: “There’s such agony in the fact that a person’s delivery of joy to everyone else can be so inversely proportionate to what they find in themselves.”) Sooo… rants? Only sometimes. 

Looking back to 1999, when I first started my blog, I remember thinking it would be a great way to keep family and friends up to date with our lives. It certainly has served that purpose well over the years, and I suppose that’s the biggest reason I can’t just chuck the whole thing. (Pssst: If you read Stuff Jen Says from 1999-now, really fast, it’s like a flip-book in which you can clearly see the route I took to bonkersville. Yaaaaaay.)

I also remember what a powerful tool my blog became while I was fighting cancer. I often wonder how else I would’ve felt such a strong sense of support and love—it really was an amazing thing to behold. That’s why, when I was diagnosed with cancer again in January, this was the first place I came to share the news. Many of you sent positive and  uplifting messages, and I felt ready to face the fight with a big ol’ army behind me. And THEN. Then I was incredibly embarrassed to pull it all back when, in March, my doctors decided that I didn’t have cancer after all. Happy news, yes, but humiliating to share. If it seems ridiculous that I would be embarrassed by such a thing, please just put yourself in my shoes; I felt like people would think I announced a recurrence just to get attention. (People do shit like that, y’know—I know someone who calls herself a “cancer survivor” because she once had a suspicious mole tested. It was benign, but BOY, does she like to act as though she knows what it’s like to have fought cancer.)

When it was time for getting re-tested for all the cancer stuff this summer, I shared with just a few people what was happening. Three weeks in June and July were spent in pretty much non-stop appointments and phone calls related to this testing. Now that they’re over, I feel okay to blog about the results, which are really quite simple in summary, and YES, SHE IS STILL TALKING ABOUT CANCER:

I had a PET scan mid-June and the same spots that lit up in January lit up again. It was scary and pissed us off. There were only slight changes in the size of the spots from the last PET, so that was good. They decided to do another needle biopsy (owie), which, just like the one in March, came back negative for cancer. Hooray! But don’t celebrate just yet… The radiologist wants to test again in six months because he thinks it’s very strange that these spots continue to act like cancer on scans. If they light up again, my oncologist says we’ll do an open biopsy, which is a surgical procedure. Pfffftt.

So we wait.

I hate the waiting. Waiting for these things is a trigger. My mind goes to dark places when there’s waiting. These places are deep and gloomy and it’s easy to get lost on the paths that lead to even more murkiness. Dark places are not fun or funny or light or silly or cheery or anything of the things I prefer in life. They’re dark. (And they’re places.)

I don’t think I should blog from the dark places. I really try not to.

Moving forward, my plan is to make blogging regularly a habit again. I would like my blog to do what it was originally created to do—keep our family and friends up-to-date with our lives. And yes, that means it won’t always be fun and happy, because life is not always fun and happy. But I have always tried my best to turn the dark stuff a teensy bit lighter. “We laugh to survive,” right?

And we avoid some topics to survive too.

Sep. 2: Writer write writing written wrote

Today’s topic for the September Blog Challenge:

Writers on writing

I’d like to write a book someday. For as long as I’ve loved reading, I’ve envisioned myself as a novelist in my spare time—certainly not in a way that would provide me a living, but in addition to my career. And here I am, about to turn 45 years old and, well, it is just not happening, folks. On the up side, I haven’t received a single rejection letter! Yay Jen!

If or when I ever write a book, it’ll probably be about my cancer story. I don’t think mine is exceptionally different or inspiring compared to anyone else’s, but if I can help another person who has just been told “you have cancer,” if I can give them even the tiniest glimmer of hope that they can kick cancer’s ass, I would love to do that.

My book wouldn’t be an autobiography; it would fit into the “memoir” category. In my opinion, memoirs have the potential to be amazing because they don’t have to tell a person’s entire life story, just a part of it, and in fascinating detail. I know there aren’t very many people who would enjoy From Birth to Now, The Life of Jen—OMG, I just totally fell asleep on my keyboard typing that title—but maybe a few years’ worth of it could be slightly readable.

As with all writing, the toughest part is getting started. And because I know several people who have stories to tell, and those stories definitely NEED to be told, I’d like to share some suggestions on how to get started. These are things I’ve come up with on my own (because yes, I have started putting together my story), and some I’ve run across while looking for help on the ‘net.

Create a rough outline of the story, including the theme and major points.

“Find your important moments of meaning -- the true North of your memoir -- by listing turning points or moments that are important to you. Make a list, keep it up for a while, and then you'll have the spine of your memoir. Choose to write your scene from this list, and you can write in any order. Making an outline is helpful too though, because at some point, you'll want to put those scenes in some kind of order.” –Dr. Linda Joy Myers

You don’t have to write in chronological order.

Grab a manageable chunk of your outline and just write. Leave gaps. Try focusing on the most memorable moments, the things you can’t imagine your story without. In the instances where your memory is less sharp, sometimes writing about them will help the memories come back. Skip around your outline and assemble the parts when you’re ready.

Don’t edit as you write. Write, leave it, and come back later with fresh eyes.

If you set a goal—say, to write one page per day—complete the writing part and move on to your next goal. If you set aside that page and move on, you’ll eventually return to your writing and see better how it fits into the big picture of your story.

When you start writing, write for yourself, not an audience.

Hold off on polishing it up for others to read. Sometimes you just need to get your story out for your own healing. I started journaling in high school for that very reason—I didn’t write all that teen angst-y stuff for others to read, I wrote to make sense out of my life. Jeannette Walls, author of the memoir The Glass Castle, says, “I’m constantly urging people, especially older folks, to write about their lives. It gives you new perspective. It was hugely eye-opening for me and very cathartic. Even if the book hadn’t sold a single copy, it would still have been worth it.”

Be honest.

While there are lots of parts of my life I don’t talk about on my blog, the things I do share are what I believe to be true. Sure, it may be the highlight reel, but it’s still honest. “When you’re truly honest and revealing about yourself, it creates a sigh in other people,” says Lorna Kelly, author of The Camel Knows the Way. “They realize they’re not alone, they’re not a freak: Someone else has felt the exact same way or lived their dream. If you’re going to skimp on the truth, then you’re doing a disservice. Honesty is not only a gift to other people—it’s a gift to yourself.”

Know that your writing may cause hurt feelings.

Even if you don’t intentionally set out to hurt a person’s feelings, you very well may. It’s also very possible that you’ll have to write about moments that make a friend or family member seem like an asshole. I’ve heard Armistead Maupin talk about how family members have started to tell him a story but stop themselves because they’re sure he’ll find a way to use it in his books. David Sedaris seems to have no reservations telling horrific family stories (though I’m sure he does have a filter, and when you think about what he doesn’t tell, it’s a little scary). If you’re writing to get revenge or intentionally hurt a person’s feelings, you may not be writing a very good story. And yet, you should be truthful… so there’s a big ol’ writing dilemma for ya. You must find that balance of fairness and honesty. (And good luck! That’s one of the biggest challenges I face in my story, and I have not yet figured out how to deal with it.)

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This list isn’t exhaustive, of course, but it ought to get some ideas going in your noodle. These things helped me get going, anyway. If you have a story to tell—and really, who doesn’t?—get busy telling it. WRITE.

If you’re a blogger and want to do our blog challenge with us, let me know and I’ll send you our list! Otherwise, tune in here (and on Sherilee’s happy little blog) every day in September!