May 20: Chuckles

Unless you want to hear more about my yard, you’re going to have to deal with me having nothing else to say right now. But that’s never stopped me from actually posting. Here are some miscellaneous giggle-worthy links and photos.

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The Loveliest Lori sent me these little gems:

 

 

All of these prints—any many more—can be purchased on a number of different products at Anne Taintor.

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The Lovely Lori H shared the link to a hilarious web site called Texts From Last Night. They’re anonymous text messages (only the area codes are used) that probably should never have been sent. Here are a couple examples:

(902): My brain says no but my pants say off.

(323): You got in a fight last night?
(818): Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
(323): Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?

I typed “503” in the search box and was relieved to find just a few texts to/from northwest Oregon, and none from me. Not surprising, really, since I text very little and about very boring things. But this one caught my eye:

(503): We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
(509): Places.
(503): Plural? Please tell.

…because it could so easily be an exchange between me and Sherilee. Not so much the I-don’t-know-where-I-slept-last-night kind of thing, but the whole you-did-something-stupid?-OK-I-still-love-and-accept-you-but-need-details. The fact that it’s between our two actual area codes is a bit suspect too, although I think if this were to actually happen that she’d be the sane 503 one. I’m not more interesting than she is, but of the two of us, I’m definitely the dumb one.

Texts from Last Night is a big time-waster of a site, but lots of fun, in the same vein as Overheard in the Office, Overheard in New York, etc.

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I don’t remember where these images came from, but I love them:

 

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A new-ish site—so not yet a major time-suck—of funny photos: Awkward Family Photos. Let’s hope we never see ourselves on that one.

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The Onion re-printed the best of their earthquake preparedness tips. Two of my favorites:

Look out your window often. If you see a large, zig-zag-shaped crevasse moving rapidly from the horizon toward your home, step either to the right or the left.

Do you have a treasured childhood toy? Perhaps a stuffed animal, such as a teddy bear? Well, let's see Mr. Bear help you now.

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That’s all for now. I’m off to the nursery again.

May 18: More yardiness

I came home from work this morning and found four yards of topsoil in my driveway. Any other day this would really piss me off, but I was expecting it so it made me happy. I spent most the afternoon moving it across the yard, and Victor and Jack spread more this evening. Work involving shovels is definitely one of the suckier parts of a landscaping project. My forearms hurt and I’m having trouble lifting things like my phone and my forearms.

Also, topsoil stinks like poo.

Tomorrow I’m shopping for boxwoods and edging and a tree. I’m also going to get a smallish dappled willow shrub called a Hakuro Nishiki. Have you seen these? I think they’re gorgeous. Cristina—who would never, ever lie to me, I’m quite sure—says they’re low maintenance and grow like crazy. This time of year they usually look like this:

I plan to put one in the side yard so it’s visible in the front, but can grow and grow and not get in anyone’s way.

I don’t know what to plant on the raised beds. I prefer perennials and/or evergreens and want to put in something a little more special than boring old azaleas. I know rhododendrons grow really well here and some people think it’s shameful not to take advantage of that, but I am not one of those people. I hate rhododendrons. And while I love ornamental grasses used in landscaping in dry climates, around here they always look like weeds to me. If you have any other suggestions—plants you love, stuff that’s hearty or pretty or anything like that—I’d love to hear them. Like the bleeding hearts, Sherilee—Katie loves them but I told her I wanted to ask you how well they would do around here before we plant one.

By the way, whenever I type the word “landscape” or some variation thereof, I always type “landscrape” first. Sometimes I really bug me.

Today’s schedule also included a visit to my doctor to finally check out why I’m now on Week Four of the cough from hell. It turns out I have another sinus infection. But you know what? He was totally asking me swine flu-related questions. See? I’ve been telling you all along that I had the swine flu and even my doctor thought I might have it! I’m not the only crazy person! But I don’t have the swine flu. Actually, we don’t know that for sure, as we did no tests… so I’m still gonna bitch and moan and try to convince you I need more sympathy.

Anyway, with help from Zithromax, I oughta stop coughing up my remaining vital organs real soon.

It’s supposed to rain tomorrow so we’re going to take a break from manual labor and then get back into it on Wednesday. I still can’t believe we’re going to get this project done, but it sure looks like it. Yay us!

May 17: This is what dirt looks like

Alright, here’s proof that we did stuff this weekend. It’s true—we didn’t spend two days on our arses like we usually do. I know, I can hardly believe it also. (I apologize for the bad photo. It was nearly dark when I thought to capture this stage of the project on film/whatever-you-call-digital-photos.)

All the grass in the front yard has been pulled up.  We tore out two hydrangea bushes that have never done well, and a couple of other shrubs that grow like crazy and are too high maintenance. The green stuff there in the front is a beautiful patch of periwinkle that we’re trying to save but may end up yanking out before the project is complete. We left some on the other end of the yard too.We also left a barberry bush, which serves as camouflage for the utility boxes near the sidewalk and is also so prickly that it scares us a little, and the monster huge birch tree, which I love.

The hanging pots were three of my Mother’s Day gifts, and we bought the five color pots at a nursery yesterday. They’ll eventually end up arranged better than they are right now.

Tomorrow a load of topsoil is being delivered, and then the fun part of the work begins. We’ll even out the yard, create some raised areas, and start planting planting planting, like we’ve never planted before, at least not in the front yard.

As you can see, this is a smallish area (32’ x 11’ plus a deep side yard) and should not take nearly the planning and boasting that it is. But have you forgotten with whom you’re dealing? We are two of the laziest and non-knowledgeable landscapers ever in the history of suburbia. BUT we’re thinking that if the weather stays decent we might actually get this project finished next weekend. Because (and here we go again with the boasting): are we amazing, or are we amazing? I think we’re amazing.

May 17: Green day

Yesterday was the first day of our front yard overhaul. We’re pulling up all the grass and replacing it with beautifully arranged plants and gnomes. Well, not so much gnomes as more plants.

Last night we cut down some large, unruly shrubs. Today we’ll dig up their stumps. We’re also ripping up the grass today. If we were normal people—smart people, hard-working people—we’d have started this around 7:00 this morning. But that would have interfered with our valuable sleeping-in time, so you know that wasn’t gonna happen. Victor and Jack have already been out there for an hour. I’m still inside, making iced tea for later and drinking coffee while I blog. Katie’s camped out in front of Disney Channel watching Jonas. Cuz that’s how we roll.

Our front yard was landscaped by the homebuilders 12 years ago and we’re eager to find out what kinds of ancient artifacts will be unearthed today. They’re not just from the last century, they’re from the last millennium. How cool is that? I’m betting there will be lots of nails and blocks of cement. Possibly cigarette butts and maybe an ark of the covenant. We’ll see.

I need to hook up the mp3 player to the speakers so have some tunes while we work. The handle of the hoe makes an awesome fake microphone (jealous, Kath?). Watch this space for updates, photos, and the inevitable injury reports.

May 16: Everything is Doogie

I can’t remember if I posted this when it first aired a while back, but I don’t care. With the recent announcement that Neil Patrick Harris is going to be hosting the Tony awards, this video from his hosting stint on Saturday Night Live is making the rounds again.

 

I think I might kinda love him.

May 16: Field trip suckage

Yesterday was the Sternwheeler field trip for the third graders. Here’s what we were told about the schedule for the day:

Upon arrival, the whole third grade will be divided into two groups. One group will take the ride on the Sternwheeler first. The other group will remain on shore. You will be told a time at which you should return to the given spot. You will have about one hour. Please walk your group down the esplanade and over the Hawthorne Bridge to eat lunch on the other side of the river. After about an hour, the groups will switch.

There were approximately 100 kids and 30-40 adults (teachers and parent chaperones). My charges were in the “walk first” group, so after getting off the buses at OMSI—on the east side of the river—we walked north to the Hawthorne Bridge and across it. Sometime along the way we adults were told that the Sternwheeler was not at the dock and there was some concern about a misunderstood schedule. No one knew what to do, so we continued walking. Eventually we ended up near the Riverplace marina, where the kids ate their lunches.

While we sat in the sunshine—it was a beautiful day!—and ate, several of the Willamette River jet boats showed off in front of us. There was much hootin’ and hollerin’ from the kids as they watched all the cool stuff the jet boats did. I thought, “They are going to be soooo disappointed to see the Sternwheeler after this.”

Because this is what the jet boats look like:

And this is where we were headed:

 

During lunch, the teachers were able to figure out what happened with our reservations—the Sternwheeler people had written us down for Saturday. Because, you know, schools go on Saturday field trips ALL THE TIME.

All was not lost, however; soon we saw our boat come chugging down the river. We met up with it, and the other half of the third graders, at Riverplace. That’s where we were told that because both groups were riding at the same time, only one teacher and one parent chaperone from each class would be able to ride. Some classes flipped coins, others played rock-paper-scissors. Lovely Lori H suggested an arm wrestling contest for our class, but the decision was made for us. So we waved goodbye to the third graders and those farkers that run the Sternwheeler and strolled further down Riverplace for a beverage.

After an hour or so, we abandoned chaperones walked back over to OMSI and waited for the boat to come back. The kids appeared to have had a good time, except for two in my group who said it was a rip-off because the captain wouldn’t give them stuff to drink. (insert crying baby third grader sound here)

It was a looooong bus ride back to the school, but there was one funny moment. Stopped at a light, a car pulled up next to us with a shirtless male driver. I don’t think it was the fact the guy was shirtless that made the kids scream “GROSS!” with all the windows open. It was that the guy was shirtless AND had giant hairy moobs. I had to agree—that dude seriously needed a mansierre/bro. A good waxing wouldn’t have hurt either.

Here’s how the field trip was summed up on Facebook upon our return:

Lovely Lori H: hates field trips when it is all trip and no field. :(
Lisa D: I agree and by the way I am sunburned!
Me: That was quite possibly the suckiest sucking field trip that ever sucked.
Cassie: happy, happy sunshine!!! (Clearly, Cassie was drunk the whole day)

Fine. It could have all gone much worse. No one ended up in the poopy Willamette River. We didn’t lose any kids. We couldn’t have asked for more perfect weather. We got some good exercise and lots of time for chit-chat. If not for being turned away at our whole reason for being downtown, the day would’ve been pretty awesome.

May 15: Quick update

• Today I went on a field trip with Katie’s class and it was not fun.
• I finished “Almost Moon,” that book about the woman who kills her mother. I’m glad I’m done with it; it was disturbing and starting to give me freaky dreams. Don’t worry, Mom… I didn’t file anything away for “someday.” If anything, it made me grateful that you weren’t a mental case when I was growing up. I thought the book was actually quite good, but only because I couldn’t relate to the main character in any way whatsoever (thank god).
• I’m still sick as a dog. I’m coughing so hard, my teeth hurt. Katie says she keeps thinking I’m gonna puke, even though I assure her that it just sounds like I will. I hate the swine flu.
• Jack lost a tooth this morning at breakfast. He says it’s his eighth one but I’ve lost count because I’m a terrible mother. The good news is that his adult teeth are coming in nice and straight. Katie’s? Not so much.
• David Sedaris has a bunch of new tour dates and he’s coming to Portland next month.

I’ll write more tomorrow, I promise.

May 14: Thursday Thirteen #18

I’ve been reading up on some local trivia lately and thought I’d use a set of fun facts I’ve found for this week’s Thursday-13. Here are 13 of the more well-known celebrities who came from Portland, Oregon, my hometown. Wikipedia’s complete list can be found here.

1. Beverly Cleary, children’s author (grew up here). Portland has erected park statues of Cleary’s most popular characters.
2. Matt Groening, creator of The Simpsons (born and raised here). Many of the Simpsons character names come from Portland streets (Lovejoy, Kearney, Flanders, Terwilliger, Quimby, etc.).
3. Tonya Harding, controversial figure skater (born and raised and just won’t leave). I speak for many when I say this is the resident of which we’re least proud.
4. Katie Harman, Miss America 2002 (born and raised). She was the first Miss Oregon to win the Miss America title. Almost makes up for the Tonya shame.
5. The Kingsmen, musicians, best known for “Louie Louie” (band formed in Portland). If you’ve heard that catchy tune at a parade—because who hasn’t?—you have them to thank/blame.
6. Chuck Palahniuk, author of Fight Club (moved here as an adult, still lives in the area).
7. Sally Struthers, actress (born and raised).
8. Gus Van Sant, filmmaker, most recently recognized for Milk (grew up and currently lives here).
9. Thomas Lauderdale, musician, Pink Martini bandleader (grew up and currently lives here).
10. Mel Blanc, voice actor best known as the voice of Bugs Bunny (grew up here).
11. Sam Elliott, actor (grew up here).
12. James Beard, food expert (born and raised here).
13. Phil Knight, co-founder of Nike, Inc. and on bunches of gazillionaires lists (born and raised, and still lives here).

And what is Thursday-13? Read all about it here.

May 13: Keith O speaks wise

He sorta rips her a new one, but I can’t say I disagree with anything he says here…

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

May 13: NOW we can all get along

To use Dan’s way-too-relevant expression, here’s a store that solves a problem no one has. At least ‘round here. Rumor is the commercial’s the real deal, which makes it even more of a head-scratcher.