Feb. 20: Chats with Jen and Vic

This is a real and mostly factual account of conversations between me and my husband in the last 24 hours.

Victor walks into the room, drinking coffee.

Jen: I want coffee! Where’s my coffee?

Jen: Close your eyes.

Victor: OK. (closes his eyes)

Jen: Now don’t open them, no matter what I do.

Victor laughs.

Jen: And don’t laugh.

Victor tries to frown. He fails. Jen proceeds to stick her fingers in Victor’s ears, nose, and mouth. Victor keeps his eyes closed, but he laughs.

Jen: You are not following the rules!

Victor tries to stop laughing. Apparently it’s hard to stop laughing when someone’s fingers are in your mouth, and he keeps laughing.

Jen: (gives up) Whatev.

Jen: If you had a superpower, what would it be?

Vic: I would fly.

Jen: FLY? That’s so stupid! How does that help anything? What’s so super about being able to fly?

Vic: Well, what would would your superpower be?

Jen: I’d be invisible and I’d follow you to work to listen to you tell your coworkers what a screechy wench of a wife I am, and then you’d feel terrible because you’d know that I know what you say about me.

Vic: You better not cough.

Jen: I think the power of complete silence comes with the power of invisibility. You wouldn’t be able to hear me when I’m lurking around you.

Vic: Hm. Would you be naked?

Vic: Really, please get your fingers out of my mouth.

Jen: Jack just came in here and farted and then left. I blame you.

Victor: How is that my fault? I wasn’t even in here.

Jen: You’re teaching him how to be a boy like you. I want him to be a boy like me.

Jen: Where’s my coffee?

Victor obediently gets Jen a cup of coffee, with equal parts creamer and spit. He says the spit part’s not true, but Jen knows better. Still, coffee’s coffee.

Jen: You have grey beard hairs.

Victor: You married an old man.

Jen: I bet Zac Efron doesn’t have grey beard hairs.

Victor: I bet Zac Efron’s mom is younger than you.

Jen and Vic are watching the latest episode of Portlandia together.

Victor: I don’t get why…

Jen: Quiet! Here’s one of the Joel McHale commercials!

Vic: His hair looks weird, like he’s been sleeping on it. It looks like mine.

Victor takes off his cap to show flat, greasy, disgusting hair.

Jen: No. He’s dreamy. He’s a hipster, but the good kind. Look, he’s crying about his prom date. It makes me love him more.

Vic: Pfft. He has bedhead. You don’t think I’m sexy with bedhead.

Jen: Please put your cap back on.

And… scenePrincess


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