This is a real and mostly factual account of conversations between me and my husband in the last 24 hours.
Victor walks into the room, drinking coffee.
Jen: I want coffee! Where’s my coffee?
Jen: Close your eyes.
Victor: OK. (closes his eyes)
Jen: Now don’t open them, no matter what I do.
Jen: And don’t laugh.
Victor tries to frown. He fails. Jen proceeds to stick her fingers in Victor’s ears, nose, and mouth. Victor keeps his eyes closed, but he laughs.
Jen: You are not following the rules!
Victor tries to stop laughing. Apparently it’s hard to stop laughing when someone’s fingers are in your mouth, and he keeps laughing.
Jen: (gives up) Whatev.
Jen: If you had a superpower, what would it be?
Vic: I would fly.
Jen: FLY? That’s so stupid! How does that help anything? What’s so super about being able to fly?
Vic: Well, what would would your superpower be?
Jen: I’d be invisible and I’d follow you to work to listen to you tell your coworkers what a screechy wench of a wife I am, and then you’d feel terrible because you’d know that I know what you say about me.
Vic: You better not cough.
Jen: I think the power of complete silence comes with the power of invisibility. You wouldn’t be able to hear me when I’m lurking around you.
Vic: Hm. Would you be naked?
Vic: Really, please get your fingers out of my mouth.
Jen: Jack just came in here and farted and then left. I blame you.
Victor: How is that my fault? I wasn’t even in here.
Jen: You’re teaching him how to be a boy like you. I want him to be a boy like me.
Jen: Where’s my coffee?
Victor obediently gets Jen a cup of coffee, with equal parts creamer and spit. He says the spit part’s not true, but Jen knows better. Still, coffee’s coffee.
Jen: You have grey beard hairs.
Victor: You married an old man.
Jen: I bet Zac Efron doesn’t have grey beard hairs.
Victor: I bet Zac Efron’s mom is younger than you.
Jen and Vic are watching the latest episode of Portlandia together.
Victor: I don’t get why…
Jen: Quiet! Here’s one of the Joel McHale commercials!
Vic: His hair looks weird, like he’s been sleeping on it. It looks like mine.
Victor takes off his cap to show flat, greasy, disgusting hair.
Jen: No. He’s dreamy. He’s a hipster, but the good kind. Look, he’s crying about his prom date. It makes me love him more.
Vic: Pfft. He has bedhead. You don’t think I’m sexy with bedhead.
Jen: Please put your cap back on.