You think you know my friend Val, right? I thought I did too, but here’s proof that Google knows her better than anyone. When I searched for “Val ____” I discovered all sorts of things I never knew about the girl. Check this out:

Val says…

…she never looks
…she hates the first 20 minutes
…the end is near
...“it's an amazing tool”
…“I don't like the huge boobs”

Val thinks…

…she can hurt me. Seriously!
…it’s lame to complain
…you really need to see this
…dad is a turkey

Val wants…

…to rock!!!
…to be governor of New Mexico
…to use the school bus as a shelter
…to give you ten bucks
…to adopt you, sweetie
…to keep tonight’s dinner in the fridge
…boobies

Val has…

…indigestion
…a nice ass
…been giving private and public concerts around Spokane
…three grandchildren
…kinks
…a daughter named Mercedes
…become a Thai dancer
…fallen

Val is…

…the coolest
…back from Norway!
…not cheesy
…rolling in riches
…watching you cry
…a three-year-old

Val pretends…

…to be John Quincy Adams
…not to notice
…to be drunk
…to be French Canadian and wears Speedos
…to hate the cat

Val went…

…to Italy to stay with her son Paul’s lover Enzo
…for a walk and forgot where she was
…to circus camp and can juggle flaming torches!
…in and told them that I was freaking out
…on tour with Bobby Brown in 1988
…to work for Tupperware
…a little nuts this weekend

Val loves…

…Wookies
…you! Unless you’re Sarah Palin, then no.
…to hang out with her dad
…tax law
…Vic and vice versa
…the way of life in Asia
…animals so much she can't bring herself to eat them

Val tried…

…to actually wrestle
…to poison Georgia
…not to stare, but she couldn't help it
…to turn her head--and suddenly a pain, worse than she’d even felt in her brief life, seared through her anus (pretty sure this one is my favorite!)
…for the Money Shot
…to shout, “You’re so stupid!” but was laughing too hard

Here’s the one I did for Sunshine a while back. My friends are just so full of surprises! Rolling on the floor laughing

facts of jen's life

So, who do you think you are? I think I’m Jen. People who don’t know me sometimes call me Jenny. That’s weird.

Tell me about yourself. I was born a small black child, and am now a grown-up, or at least my kids think I am. I’m in my mid-40s and live in the ‘burbs of Portland, Oregon. My husband is Victor, and my kids are Katie and Jack. Read this if you want the real and very long scoop.

Tell me things people might not know about you. I am an ordained minister and can perform marriages. Why no one has asked me to do this for them yet, I do not know. ● At the request of my Disney-hating friend Ed, I got mouse ears embroidered with the name “Satan” and I didn’t even get kicked out of Disneyland. It’s quite possibly the ballsiest thing I’ve ever done. ● I “helped” write this book, published in 2012: You Take it From Here, by Pamela Ribon. My name is in the back, and I’m still geeking out about it. ● I recorded a song in a studio in 1994 and it got local radio play for a few months. At least two times I turned on the radio in the car and my song was playing at that moment—very cool. ● I nearly died from a zit in 1986. I am not making this up. ● Victor and I once appeared on The Tonight Show. Really. If you can find a VCR, I’ll show you the tape.

I read some of your posts and I think you might be an alcoholic. I drink way less than I write about drinking. If I ever STOP talking about booze, then it’ll be time for an intervention.

What do you love? Books. Coffee. Fonts. Broadway musicals. San Francisco. Bacon. Rum. Law & Order. Naps. Butter. Home. Crack cocaine. iDevices. Words. Disney vacations. You.

If you could punch anything or anyone in the face, what/who would it be? Cancer. I was diagnosed with lymphoma in November 2009. I kicked its big fat ugly ass and am in remission now. ● Comic Sans. ● People who won’t take responsibility for their problems—the “I didn’t do anything to deserve this!” attitude. Look in the mirror. That’s who to blame. ● Celebrities who are famous for no reason. Y’know, if we stop looking, they’ll go away... ● Bad grammar and spelling and the dummies who use it.

You seem bitter. Did someone piss in your Cheerios? I’m not bitter. I think unicorns-and-rainbows stuff isn’t very interesting to read, so I tend not to write that way. But also, now you’re being kind of a jackhole.

It seems like no one ever comments on your blog posts. Why is that? Most people comment on the Facebook links. I don’t know why.

What if I want to tell you something? Two ways to reach me: leave a comment on a post, or e-mail me at jenniferTAKETHISPARTOUTmanullang at gmail-dot-com.

3 comments:

AnonymousFebruary 27, 2011 at 3:05:00 PM PST
lmao awesome.
Deanna GFebruary 27, 2011 at 6:46:00 PM PST
That's hilarious!!!!!!!!
ValFebruary 27, 2011 at 8:17:00 PM PST
OH NO...all my secrets are out! Can we still be friends? ;)

Hey, please don’t leave an anonymous comment.
Select “Name/URL” below and you can use whatever name you want. No registration required.
Thanks! –Jen

Feb. 27: All about Val