Sept. 29: I Report for CNN

If you know what's good for you, you love Jon Stewart like I do. Although I was a fan long before he took over The Daily Show, I appreciate him even more now for his completely (and unapologetically) biased news reporting. This video is not one of his political pieces, but it's pretty funny nonetheless... and even funnier that CNN published it on their web site.

Jon Stewart: I Report for CNN.

I love you more than a brow wax.

Jen

Sept. 20: per‧spi‧ca‧cious‧ness

Hello, good people. Today's web site is thesaurus.com. And that means today's word is a big one: perspicaciousness. Can I use it in a sentence? Sure. "Today's word is perspicaciousness." You're welcome.

• Ask not for whom the bell tolls. Let the machine get it.
  
• A friend in need is a pest indeed
  
• He who laughs last thinks slowest
  
• Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
  
• Who cares if it's wrong? Them raccoons make good hats.
  
• If a problem has a single neck, it has a simple solution
  
• A Nobel Peace Prize. I would kill for one of those.
  
• Trust in God. But lock your car.
  
• If life gives you lemons, why not go kill someone with the lemons (maybe by shoving them down his throat)
  
• We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually produce a masterpiece. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.
  
• One good turn gets most of the blankets
  
• All true wisdom is found on T-shirts
  
• Hit any user to continue
  
• Last night as I lay in bed looking at the stars, I thought, 'Where the hell is the ceiling?'
  
• How do you get holy water? (Boil the hell out of it)
  
• If we quit voting will they all go away?
  
• The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them
  
• I think, therefore I am... I think.
  
• Everything goes on forever since the fat lady retired
  
• A metaphor is like a simile
  
• A bird in the hand is the best way to eat chicken
  
• If you keep your feet firmly on the ground you'll have trouble putting on your pants
  
• If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished
  
• How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?
  
• All things being equal, fat people use more soap
  
• I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy
  
• The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was the genius.
  
• Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, 'Why did they believe me?'
  
• What has four legs and one arm? (A happy pit bull) (Sorry, Molly!)
  
• And God said, 'Let there be vodka!' And He saw that it was good. Then God said, 'Let there be light!' And then He said, 'Whoa -- too much light.'
  
• 'Stewardesses' is the longest word that can be typed with only the left hand (It is--try it!)
  
• Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
  
• If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried
  
• Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff.
  
• All that glitters has a high refractive index
  
• Hospitality: making your guests feel at home even if you wish they were
  
• Never shave with a weedwhacker
  
• Where subtlety fails, we must simply make do with cream pie
  
• On the other hand, you've got different fingers
  
• I've got a plan so cunning, you could put a tail on it and call it a weasel
  
• Puritanism: the haunting fear that someone somewhere may be happy
  
• Time may be a great healer but it's a lousy beautician
  

Sept. 19: Happy "Talk Like a Pirate Day"

In honor of National Talk Like a Pirate Day, here are some sorta funny pirate jokes.

1. A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's wheel sticking out of his pants. The bartender says, "Hey, there's a ship's wheel sticking out of your pants, what's up with that?" The pirate replies, "Arrr, it's driving me nuts!"
   
2. Long ago lived a seaman named Captain Bravo. He was a manly man who showed no fear in facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the seven seas, a look-out spotted a pirate ship and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravo bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" The first mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt and whilst wearing the bright red frock he led his men into battle and defeated the pirates. Later on that day, the look-out spotted not one, but two pirate ships. The captain again called for his red shirt and once again, though the fighting was fierce, he was victorious over the two ships. That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day's triumphs and one of the them asked the captain, "Sir, why do you call for your red shirt before battle?" The captain replied, "If I am wounded in the attack, the shirt will not show my blood and thus, you men will continue to fight, unafraid." All of the men sat in silence and marveled at the courage of such a manly man as Captain Bravo. As dawn came the next morning, the look-out spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirates ships approaching from the far horizon. The crew stared at the captain and waited for his usual reply. Captain Bravo calmly shouted, "Get me my brown pants!"


3. What is a pirate's best feature?
   His booty.
   
4. Did you hear about the new pirate movie?
   It's rated Arrrrr!
   
5. What kind o' socks does a pirate wear?
   Arrrrgyle!
   
6. What's the problem with the way a pirate speaks?
   Arrrrticulation!
   
7. What's a pirate's favorite color?
   Depends on the pirate.

Try out this cool English-to-Pirate Translator.

Sept. 17: Scattered thoughts

Here are a few things I feel the need to share with you. Thank me for my generosity by leaving a comment, mmkay?

• You may have noticed the "DCL cruising tips" link on the manullang.com home page. It's there for the good people of the DISboards. It is not for Ed. It also does not say "DCL cursing tips," though it would if Ed had my FTP password.
• I saw "Wicked" here in Portland last week. It was fabulous. Shoshana Bean and Megan Hilty were really quite wonderful. They are not Idina & Kristin, but they were very, very good. That Shoshana can really belt--goose bumps! The tour heads to a sold-out engagement in Seattle this week. There's going to be an open-ended production in L.A. soon, as well as London. Chicago opened theirs last year. It's everywhere, OK? So if you get a chance to see this musical, go. You won't be sorry. I probably said that after I saw it last year, but I meant it then and I mean it now.
• Katie has started first grade. I know, I also cannot believe it. She loves her teacher, her classmates, riding the bus, eating hot lunches, and recess (dur!). After just two weeks she's already picked up some undesirable habits--the 'tude is starting to develop--so I'm going to try to remember every single hug, kiss, and "I love you, Mom!" now, because when she starts hating me I'll long for these sweet Katie days.
• I can't stand the Doodlebops. I mean, I really, truly despise them. I honestly do not get what they are or why they exist. If you can explain it to me, please do.
• We have scheduled yet another Disney vacation. Our next trip will be to Disneyland for Jack's birthday. Then, in case you missed the news a few posts ago, Vic and I are going on a Disney cruise in February. You'd think so many Disney vacations in such a short time would be Disney overload. But you'd be wrong.
• My adorable niece Erin--who technically is no longer my niece, but I'm keeping her anyway--got married last weekend. She was a beautiful bride. Her husband is a big dork, hence their perfection for each other.
• Speaking of Erin & Kevin's wedding, my ex-stepfather was there, as he's the bride's grandfather. He was with his new wife. Yes, you read that right. He has another wife already. Apparently when you start searching for #3 while you're still married to #2, you can save a lot of crucial time. In anticipation of seeing the clueless wonder, I had these statements at the ready: "How do you get your pants on with walnuts that big?" and "Oh, so this is your new wife? Wow... I've never met a whore in real life before!" and "Did you know there's an extra hot place in Hell for adulterous missionaries? Better stock up on Popsicles." Alas, I have neither the walnuts nor the immaturity to actually deliver said witticisms. I made a smirk in his general direction but otherwise had no contact. My shrink says I should be proud of my restraint, but there's a very big part of me that will always wish I'd let it all go in a blaze of glory.
• I could spend hours at Wikipedia. No web site should be that addictive. I used to ask Jeeves my important questions, but no more. Wikipedia holds all the answers.
• I have new living room furniture being delivered Tuesday. It's pretty. And red. I hope this necessitates painting and much re-decorating. I love painting. And re-decorating. Vic does not love painting, but he's always helpful. He does not love re-decorating, so I hope my mom is going to visit soon.
• We cleaned out our garage. I know, I also cannot believe it. Six Goodwill loads and a dumpster later, well, I never thought a cement floor would make me get teary, but it's an amazing sight. And now there's pa-lenty of room for my OLD living room furniture. :)
• Did I mention we're going on a cruise?
• The Happy Valley/Clackamas may not seem like the place to go for good Chinese food, but there's a new-ish restaurant out here that has THE best hot and sour soup. Also a Thai place that is fantastic-0. But otherwise it's standard chain restaurants as far as the eye can see. And with all the remodeling being done at the mall right now, you can expect a lot more of the same. Meh.
• Sometimes I write stuff here that no one in the world could possibly care about. I'm sorry for that.
• I got a pair of Crocs Caymans. Yes, they're hideous. But they are also comfortable, unbelievably so. Crocs recently announced an agreement to make shoes for Disney (Mickey ear-shaped holes, princess themed, pirate themed, etc.), and I think the only way I can resist is if they're absolutely god-awful wretched. And I've seen the kids' Mickey ones and they're waaaay cute. Curses!
• Living with three wonderful dogs is great. Living with three wonderful dogs that hate each other is stressful. At least when Katie and Jack fight I can be pretty sure that when the dust clears no one will have lost a limb.
• I'm more than a little embarrassed to admit I sometimes want to take a magazine to Katie's soccer games.
• My sister is, like, friends with her gynecologist. What's up with that?
• I love (most of) our neighbors. We had several nights this summer where lots of families were gathered outside, kids were running everywhere, parents were lighting Sambuca shots and fireworks, and overall just having big fun. We moved out to the suburbs to find a neighborhood like this, and we feel very lucky. I just wish my favorites (the Paulsens) hadn't left. Oh, and our next-door neighbors' house just sold so we're crossing our fingers the new people will be civilized. Anyway, summertime is always a good reminder of how much we like where we live. Now we're all headed inside to hunker down for the winter months, and won't see each other until spring.
• My grandmother can be a real meanie.
• I can hardly wait until the season premiere of "The Office" on Thursday. There are a surprising number of new shows that look like they could be worth watching. Thank goodness for two TiVos!
• Marvelous news: The Portland IKEA is on its way. The most recent press release says the store will open in Summer 2007. Katie and Jack are as excited as I am--they love the ball pit at the Renton store. But shhhhh... don't tell... they'll both be too old for it by the time the store opens.
• I'm pretty sure I would make a very good very wealthy person.

This nonsense has got to stop. Toodles...
--j.