July 14: Flop from the top

I'm pretty much once-removed from being a redneck myself (whatever that means) so don't accuse me of being racist or judgmental, mmkay? Here's a video of the Redneck Games in Georgia, and they're hilarious. Football with a beer can, dunking for pigs' feet, mud puddle belly flop contests, horseshoes with toilet seats... does it get any better than this? The video's about eight minutes long, but worth it.

Here's a page of pictures from the games too.

And remember, I love you more than fishin' with dynamite--

Jen

July 10: Join me, idiot girls

I have just recently discovered the hilarity that is Laurie Notaro. This morning I finished reading her first book, The Idiot Girls' Action-Adventure Club: True Tales from a Magnificent and Clumsy Life, and am ready to start the next one. She has great titles:

• Autobiography of a Fat Bride: True Tales of a Pretend Adulthood
• We Thought You Would Be Prettier: True Tales of the Dorkiest Girl Alive
• I Love Everybody (and Other Atrocious Lies): True Tales of a Loudmouth Girl
• There's a (Slight) Chance I Might Be Going to Hell: A Novel of Sewer Pipes, Pageant Queens, and Big Trouble

The first book appears to be a bit autobiographical. She reminds me of a cleverer, American Bridget Jones or a non-NYC Carrie Bradshaw with less raunchy friends. The chapters are short and sweet and I think every one of them made me laugh out loud. Apparently Notaro is a columnist for a newspaper in Arizona and her books are based on some of her columns.

If you're looking for a fun read that's light on true crime, check out one of Laurie Notaro's books. You totally trust my judgment, right? (Even if I do not yet love your next husband, Lori?)

Fine. I love you anyway, just a little less.

--Jen

July 9: Funny 911 calls

OK, don't think about how these idiots might be tying up a line for a real emergency. You just have to enjoy the calls.

July 8: Credit card prank

Check out this link to a hilarious story of credit card signatures. Credit Card Prank. The author describes his experiment like this: In my lifetime, I have made nearly 15,000 credit card transactions. I purchase almost everything on plastic. What bugs me about credit card transactions is the signing. Who checks the signature? Nobody checks the signature. Credit card signatures are a useless mechanism designed to make you feel safe, like airport security checks. So my question was, how crazy would I have to make my signature before someone would actually notice?

He's got pictures of his signed receipts, all showing "signatures" that are not even close to his name, or in some cases, text.

So how are we supposed to protect ourselves against identity theft when the people responsible for making sure we are who we say we are don't pay attention??? Yikes.

I love you, no matter how you sign your credit card receipts.

--Jen

July 5: This is my Hell

Ha! I love this thing. You put in all the hateful people you can think of, rank them, and your nine levels of Hell are created. Look at mine--Ann Coulter is in the "immersed in excrement" level! Could there BE anything more fun? :)

Follow the link at the bottom to create your own Hell, and be sure to share it with me!

--Jen
P.S. I know, it's kinda hard to read with such dark text/background. Sorry. I tried to change it but it was way too much work and not worth it.

bad spellers, The Doodlebops
Circle I Limbo

people who leave their rusty car parts in my yard
Circle II Whirling in a Dark & Stormy Wind

people that just don't get it
Circle III Mud, Rain, Cold, Hail & Snow

that guy that shushed me in church once
Circle IV Rolling Weights

bad drivers, celebrity big-mouth Scientologists
Circle V Stuck in Mud, Mangled

River Styx

General asshats, mean people
Circle VI Buried for Eternity

River Phlegyas

the truly evil so-called "Christians"
Circle VII Burning Sands

Ann Coulter, that evil beeyotch
Circle IIX Immersed in Excrement

and of course, George W. Bush
Circle IX Frozen in Ice

What's your hell like?

Updated 10:30 a.m.
Lori sent her results but apparently they can't be posted in comments. Here is her hell:

People who complain but won't vote
Circle I Limbo

Anyone who orders more than 3 drinks in the Starbuck's drive-thru
Circle II Whirling in a Dark & Stormy Wind

"Kids" who think Acuras can be race cars
Circle III Mud, Rain, Cold, Hail & Snow

People who drive SUV's
Circle IV Rolling Weights

Blind Patriots
Circle V Stuck in Mud, Mangled

River Styx

Dick Cheney
Circle VI Buried for Eternity

River Phlegyas

Karl Rove
Circle VII Burning Sands

George Bush
Circle IIX Immersed in Excrement

Ann Coulter
Circle IX Frozen in Ice

Design your own hell

Love it, Lori! Thanks for playing! --J.

Updated 7/6/07 at 8:50 a.m.
I got this anonymously. Hm, I have no idea whose hell it might be...

Anyone who abandons their kids in an orphanage
Circle I Limbo

Vampires
Circle II Whirling in a Dark & Stormy Wind

Kathie Lee Gifford, Rosie O'Donnell
Circle III Mud, Rain, Cold, Hail & Snow

Colonel-Selects from Peterson AFB who leave their families
Circle IV Rolling Weights

Gangsta Rappers
Circle V Stuck in Mud, Mangled

River Styx

Step-parents
Circle VI Buried for Eternity

River Phlegyas

Anyone with the last name BRIGGMAN
Circle VII Burning Sands

Judgmental SDA's
Circle IIX Immersed in Excrement

Kansas A**holes
Circle IX Frozen in Ice

Design your own hell

May 11: Stuff I stole today

My head hurts. Bad. Like, so bad I'll scream if anyone asks me to do something or insists on talking to me or looks in my general direction. Not a good day for a "Mom & Me" brunch at preschool, but Jack says I must go anyway. Gah. Miss Crystal'll be sorry she invited me.

Also, I'm mad at computers today. Long story. Not interesting.

Since I am in no mood or shape to think up thoughts all by myself today, I'm going to use the age-old blogger's technique of borrowing from another web site. These things actually made me kinda chuckle this morning.

---

Lame joke du jour (oregonlive.com):

What's the definition of the word "aspect"?

What you get when you bend over a chicken coop.

---

The problem with America is stupidity. I'm not saying there should be capital punishment for stupidity, but why don't we just take the safety labels off of everything and let the problem solve itself? (kgbreport.com)

---

Probable future names of Hershey's candies, adding to the progression of Kisses® to Hugs® (mcsweeneys.net):

1. Hershey's Kisses®
   
2. Hershey's Hugs®
   
3. Hershey's Handshakes
   
4. Hershey's Eye Contacts
   
5. Hershey's Awkward Silences
   
6. Hershey's Restraining Orders

---

Surprises in the new Spider-Man movie

• Rummaging through the attic, Peter discovers that his kindly old Aunt May used to be his Uncle Jay.
  
• Near the beginning of the movie, Spider-Man sits down and addresses the audience directly saying, "Having gotten your attention with the previous films, I'd like to spend the rest of this one talking to you about something very important to me - The Church of Scientology."
  
• A surprising amount of screen time is devoted to Aunt May shopping for a new fanny pack.
  
• That it is possible to make a third installation of a series without it degenerating into utter crap.
  
• In the final shot, Spidey will reveal a new costume. It'll look exactly like his normal costume, but it'll have those armpit webs. Blackout! and roll credits.
  
• Action sequences are padded with footage from Spidey's 70s-era educational appearances on The Electric Company. Also included, a whole scene in which he teaches the audience about conjunctions.
  
• Following the trend set by the last two movies, now whenever characters make a self-referential comic book joke they will look at the camera, nod and wink.
  
• In a bit of fan-service, Spidey and MJ will be caught in the rain again. To "up the ante" and add more sex appeal, MJ will be revealed to have a superfluous, yet large, third nipple.
  
• Spider-Man and the New Goblin spend a tedious 20 minute sequence in which, in full costume, they enjoy a meal at Burger King. The only dialogue during this scene are the lines "Man, this is tasty!" "Mmm Mmm!" and "I'm having it MY way!" repeated several times.
  
• Continuing the series' trend of giving the villains stronger ties to Spider-Man, Peter discovers that Sandman may have killed his Uncle Ben and Kraven the Hunter used to date his Uncle Jay. (capnwacky.com)

That's all for today, because I like you. Just don't ask me for nothin'.

--Jen
P.S. Fourteen days until the new Pirates of the Caribbean comes out. Jack reminds me of the countdown several times a day ever since Vic told him last Friday, "Jack, there's only 21 more days until we can go see the new Pirates movie!" I'm actually a little more excited about Ratatouille (49 more days).

May 10: Join my book club

This list is an oldie but goodie. It's also not too PC, for which I apologize. Sorta.

World’s Shortest Books

• A Happy Home Life and Marriage
  by Woody Allen
  
• A Journey Through the Mind of Paris Hilton
  
• American Foreign Policy Successes
  
• Anagrams Of The Word “A”
  
• Banjo Sonatas
  
• Blind Dates That Worked Out
  
• Bowler’s Guide to Health & Fitness
  
• Burger King Menu Items That Start With “Mc”
  
• Canadian Pineapple Growing
  
• Career Opportunities for Liberal Arts Majors
  
• Cooking Gourmet Dishes With Tofu
  
• Detroit - A Travel Guide
  
• Different Ways To Spell “Bob”
  
• Easy UNIX
  
• English Culinary Delights
  
• Fodor’s Guide to Skiing the Sahara
  
• French Hospitality
  
• Funny Puns
  
• George Foreman’s Big Book of Baby Names
  
• George W. Bush’s Guide to Promoting World Peace
  
• Guide to Proper Nutrition
  by Gandhi
  
• Household Uses For Plutonium
  
• How To Be A Successful Politician
  by Jesse Jackson
  
• How to Succeed in Baseball without Steroids
  by Barry Bonds
  
• Ice Recipes
  
• Madonna’s Crusade for Family Values
  
• Marcel Marceau’s Greatest Speeches
  
• Moderation
  by Donald Trump
  
• Mother Teresa’s Guide To Erotic Pottery
  
• My Beauty Secrets
  by Janet Reno
  
• My Favorite Barbers
  by Yasser Arafat
  
• National Directory Of Irish AA Members
  
• On Human Rights
  by Fidel Castro
  
• Our Favorite Disco Songs
  by Led Zeppelin
  
• Romantic Words Beginning With “X”
  
• Sainthood in Government
  
• Sylvester Stallone’s Dramatic Acting Tips
  
• The ABC’s of Gum Chewing
  
• The American Medical Association’s Guide to Proper Penmanship
  
• The Amish Phone Directory
  
• The Appeal of Alan Thicke
  
• The Book of Virtues
  by Bill Clinton
  
• The Carrot Top Fan Club Directory
  
• The Difference Between Reality and Dilbert
  
• The Total Vocabulary of Arnold Schwarzenegger
  
• The Who’s Who of Great Republican Humanitarians
  
• The Wit and Wisdom of Fundamentalist Islamic Extremists
  
• Thoughts I Came Up with On My Own
  by Ann Coulter
  
• Things I Cannot Afford
  by Bill Gates
  
• Things That Look Like An Apple, Taste Like An Apple, But Are Not An Apple
  
• Things You Can Buy At The World Artichoke Festival
  
• Tolerance
  by Jerry Falwell
  
• Vice Presidents With Really Good Ideas
  
• Zagat’s Guide to Cities without Starbucks

May 6: Try before you buy

May 6: Mother's Day story

I received a cute little “Mom” story in an e-mail this morning:

We had this great 10 year old cat named Jack who just recently died. Jack was a great cat and the kids would carry him around and sit on him and nothing ever bothered him. He used to hang out and nap all day long on this mat in our bathroom. Well we have 3 kids and at the time of this story they were 4 years old, 3 years old and 1 year old. The middle one is Eli.

Eli really loves ChapStick. LOVES it. He kept asking to use my ChapStick and then losing it. So finally one day I showed him where in the bathroom I keep my ChapStick and how he could use it whenever he wanted to but he needed to put it right back in the drawer when he was done.

Last year on Mother’s Day, we were having the typical rush-around-and-try-to-get-ready-for-church with everyone crying and carrying on. My two boys are fighting over the toy in the cereal box. I am trying to nurse my little one at the same time I am putting on my make-up. Everything is a mess and everyone has long forgotten that this is a wonderful day to honor me and the amazing job that is motherhood. We finally have the older one and the baby loaded in the car and I am looking for Eli.

I have searched everywhere and I finally round the corner to go into the bathroom. And there was Eli. He was applying my ChapStick very carefully to Jack’s rear end. Eli looked right into my eyes and said “chapped.”

Now if you have a cat, you know that he is right--their little butts do look pretty chapped. And, frankly, Jack didn’t seem to mind. And the only question to really ask at that point was whether it was the FIRST time Eli had done that to the cat’s behind or the hundredth.

And THAT is my favorite Mother’s Day moment ever, because it reminds us that no matter how hard we try to civilize these glorious little creatures, there will always be that day when you realize they’ve been using your ChapStick on the cat’s butt.

Apr. 23: Just one more

"I don't care how optimistic you are, a diaper is never half empty."
--ruminate.com

I'm done now. Really. No more Apr. 23 posts.

--J.

Apr. 23: The grown-ups' table

Maybe I should make Mondays my "posting stuff other people wrote" days. Y'think? This one was just too good not to share. I know every conversation at my parents' table went exactly like this when I was a kid. I'm sure of it. (Don't believe my mom if she denies it. She lies.)

--Jen

---

A Conversation at the Grown-up Table, as Imagined at the Kids' Table
by Simon Rich (The New Yorker)

Mom: Pass the wine, please. I want to become crazy.

Dad: OK.

Grandmother: Did you see the politics? It made me angry.

Dad: Me, too. When it was over, I had sex.

Uncle: I'm having sex right now.

Dad: We all are.

Mom: Let's talk about which kid I like the best.

Dad: (laughing) You know, but you won't tell.

Mom: If they ask me again, I might tell.

Friend from work: Hey, guess what! My voice is pretty loud!

Dad: (laughing) There are actual monsters in the world, but when my kids ask I pretend like there aren't.

Mom: I'm angry! I'm angry all of a sudden!

Dad: I'm angry, too! We're angry at each other!

Mom: Now everything is fine.

Dad: We just saw the PG-13 movie. It was so good.

Mom: There was a big sex.

Friend from work: I am the loudest! I am the loudest!

(Everybody laughs)

Mom: I had a lot of wine, and now I'm crazy!

Grandfather: Hey, do you guys know what God looks like?

All: Yes.

Grandfather: Don't tell the kids.

Apr. 23: Marmoset knock you out

I don't have anything to write, really, but I was reading an old issue of the Oregonian, saw this headline and just had to use it. Because I'm a dork. And, obviously, a bit of a plagiarist.

In case you were wondering, here's the accompanying news item:

An Illinois couple who bought a cute pet monkey four years ago say the animal now dominates them and rides their dog like a horse. -- Medill Reports

To recap,
1. I have nothing important to say.
2. I am a dork.
3. I am a plagiarist of sorts.
4. I am a monkey hater. (Did I mention I hate monkeys? Because I meant to. I really can't stand them.)

--Jen

Apr. 23: Lame joke du jour

A friend of Katie's recently gave her a stuffed Pikachu. There's been a lot of "I choose YOU, Pikachu!" around our house ever since, but only because that's the extent of what Vic or I can say about him (it?). So even though our kids are unofficially too young to think their parents are idiots, they think we are idiots.

And that brings us to the silliness I offer you this morning, courtesy of The Edge in the Oregonian.

Q: How do you get Pikachu on a bus?

A: Pokémon.

Apr. 19: Ye Olde Tech Support

Apr. 13: Chuckle with me

My list of "crap to share" has gotten long enough. Today I offer up some hee-haws collected from the www.

• It takes 46 muscles to frown but only 4 to flip 'em the bird
  
• "Who are you and how did you get in here?"
  "I'm a locksmith. And... I'm a locksmith..."
  
• The cat said I'm dismissive and sarcastic. What does he know? He's only 10" tall.
  
• Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world
  
• A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing
  
• What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
  
• Am I getting older or is the supermarket playing great music?
  
• I'd like gangsta rap more if it wasn't about killing people like me
  
• Sign in a store: "Unattended children will be given espresso and a free kitten"
  
• It's not an oil leak. It's my car marking its territory.
  
• When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like his passengers
  
• People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because its easier to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs
  
• My inner child thinks you're a big poopy face
  
• Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
  
• Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and good with ketchup
  
• They say I have A.D.D. but they just don't understand. Oh look! A chicken!
  
• How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand.
  
• National Sarcasm Society. Like we need your support.
  
• When Life Magazine asked comic Chris Rock if America is ready for an African-American president, Rock said, "It's ready for a retarded president, why wouldn't it be ready for an African-American president?"
  

Lovies! --Jen

Apr. 12: Poof!

You parents will appreciate this one.

Apr. 11: Cookie cutter post

craigslist is a great place for so many reasons. One of the features that keeps me checking in is the "Best of Craigslist," and this is one of the best from December 2005. Yeah, I know it's old but it's no less amusing than if it were written this morning.

By the way, this was result #6 when I googled "sea monkey" (there ain't enough room here to explain why I was googling "sea monkey," OK? I just was).

--Jen

Apr. 4: Where croissants come from

Oh my buddha, this is a snort-coffee-all-over-the-keyboard one.

Mar. 22: Meet Knut

I saw this polar bear cub video on Cute Overload this morning. The movie's sorta long, and it has THE most annoying soundtrack, so I'm including a second one that is much shorter (though you still might want to turn down your volume).

Here's the shorter but equally adorable video:

Now comes the best part. Turn your volume back up to hear Stephen Colbert's Mini Threat-Down:


Gotta love Stephen Colbert. Gotta.

Knut's not so bad either.

--Jen

Mar. 14: Mom my ride

Once again, Kirsten wins "e-mail of the day." Her prize? The contents of our driver-side door pocket.

(And Victor wonders why I'm so anti-minivan...)