Feb. 4: Where will you take your dirt nap?

I found an unusual online store while browsing the ‘net today and immediately thought THIS MUST BE SHARED.

Me? I want to be cremated, so it really does nothing for me. But anyone planning to be buried in the ground when they die might be interested in building their own coffin, right? Because how cheery and uplifting is that, spending your final days of life building a big ol’ box? Build It Yourself Coffin Kits are just the thing you could be looking for to prepare your final resting place.

You can customize your coffin with lovely medallions and columns. You can get pine or mahogany. And because your coffin comes to you partially pre-assembled, the little work you have to do can be completed between heart attacks or dialysis, or maybe even from your hospital bed! What could be better for the do-it-yourselfer? (For the true cheap-ass, I recommend the coffin in the photo above.)

Forget spending thousands of dollars on a fancy coffin from eBay or Costco that you’ll never get to enjoy. Just throw a few old dog blankets and one of those pine-scented car fresheners in and you’re good to go… to stay.

Feel free to thank me in your will. Because YOU KNOW I’m always here to help.

Nov. 6: Public service announcement

Jan. 4: Kind of a spoiler

Have you seen the ads for Marley & Me? That puppy is so dang cute. I love Owen Wilson (no, I don’t know why either) and Jennifer Aniston is usually tolerable, so it seems like a lovely way to spend an evening, right?

WRONG.

If you’ve read the book, or if you’ve ever seen any “life of a dog” movie, you know what happens to Marley at the end. And I’m sorry, but the movie ticket could come with a free puppy and I still would not go in to laugh for two hours because I know I would then bawl my head off for a week (or more) afterward. Those sweet, funny, romantic trailers give no clue as to the level of sadness that lurks in this movie.

Ye be warned.

And that, my fellow dog-lovers, is our public service announcement for today. As always, you are oh-so-welcome.

Jan. 6: Important PSA

Well, I think it's time I bring some truth to light, once and for all. I don't know why everyone leaves this kind of thing up to me, but here it is.

This is not a dog:


If you have been led to believe this creature is a dog, you have been seriously misled. Someone may have told you it's a poodle, which is a breed of dog, but that is only partly true. Yes, it's a poodle, but no, it is not a breed of dog. It is not a dog at all. It is a hideous, high-strung, leaping beast begat of the devil himself.

There are but a few exceptions to this rule. One is a baby poodle, because babies are cute. And yet, even that's not completely true, because just the thought of knowing what that baby is going to grow up to be is reason enough to run screaming from it. So never mind.

Other exceptions are fake poodles, like these:

Costumed kids are cute.


Stuffed animals are cute.


Pugs are cute. Pugs wearing clothes, even cuter.

Unlike dogs, poodles have no redeeming qualities whatsoever. Do not be deceived into thinking poodles might possibly be just a weird alien type of dog. I cannot stress this enough: poodles are not dogs and have never been dogs and are never going to be dogs. They were invented by pet store owners to make money and so they'd have people at which to point and laugh. If you have been fooled, it is not too late. Use the force, Luke (and keep your receipt).

If you see a poodle being walked in your neighborhood, it is important to correct your children when they say, "Oh, look at the cute dog!" Remember, it is neither cute nor a dog. Also, you may encourage them to laugh at the dumb guy picking up its poo because that guy's wife probably told him they were getting a dog and she fooled him and that's funny.

And so ends my public service announcement for today.