Jan. 6: Important PSA

Well, I think it's time I bring some truth to light, once and for all. I don't know why everyone leaves this kind of thing up to me, but here it is.

This is not a dog:


If you have been led to believe this creature is a dog, you have been seriously misled. Someone may have told you it's a poodle, which is a breed of dog, but that is only partly true. Yes, it's a poodle, but no, it is not a breed of dog. It is not a dog at all. It is a hideous, high-strung, leaping beast begat of the devil himself.

There are but a few exceptions to this rule. One is a baby poodle, because babies are cute. And yet, even that's not completely true, because just the thought of knowing what that baby is going to grow up to be is reason enough to run screaming from it. So never mind.

Other exceptions are fake poodles, like these:

Costumed kids are cute.


Stuffed animals are cute.


Pugs are cute. Pugs wearing clothes, even cuter.

Unlike dogs, poodles have no redeeming qualities whatsoever. Do not be deceived into thinking poodles might possibly be just a weird alien type of dog. I cannot stress this enough: poodles are not dogs and have never been dogs and are never going to be dogs. They were invented by pet store owners to make money and so they'd have people at which to point and laugh. If you have been fooled, it is not too late. Use the force, Luke (and keep your receipt).

If you see a poodle being walked in your neighborhood, it is important to correct your children when they say, "Oh, look at the cute dog!" Remember, it is neither cute nor a dog. Also, you may encourage them to laugh at the dumb guy picking up its poo because that guy's wife probably told him they were getting a dog and she fooled him and that's funny.

And so ends my public service announcement for today.