May 9: This is NOT the bee’s knees

I have a horror story to tell you. Pretend it’s dark, and we’re sitting around a campfire and I’m shining a flashlight on my face because that’ll make it more eerie. Or just look at the pictures—that oughta freak you out good. This totally happened to a person I totally know whose cousin’s daughter’s old roommate’s best friend totally told her, so you totally know it’s totally true.

Actually, it happened to my next door neighbors, Tina and Jim. And there were witnesses. Plus, y’know, the pictures. They don’t lie.

Friday afternoon bees are swarming Tina’s driveway and she notices this hanging in a tree in her side yard:

A few summers ago an exterminator found the biggest yellow jacket nest he’d ever seen under the siding of our house. Until Friday, that was the scariest bee or bee-like experience I’d ever had. And although I didn’t experience Tina’s bee thing personally (I napped through it, THANK GOD), I’m going to say this is definitely the scariest bee or bee-like event that has ever occurred in our neighborhood EVER EVER EVER. Ever.

Tina said these guys—bee hobbyists—were really excited about this whole thing. Clearly, the sanity has been stung out of them.

I’m glad to see they look a teensy bit frightened here. Or maybe the guy in front is mid-hoot-and-holler and not frightened at all, in which case I would like to remind the jury that the sanity has been stung out of these men.

Jack said he watched everything from across the street, too, but probably farther away because he’s a weenie like his momma. That’s why he’s not in this picture. Katie didn’t even watch; she was playing in Phoebe’s backyard. I’m not sure if she didn’t care or thought she was safer there. (She’s kind of a weenie too.)

The insane bee dudes supposedly took the queen and most of its worker bees away. I’m hopeful that “away” was farther than “the Manullangs’ backyard.” If so, the neighborhood is safe(ish) again. Whew.

Oct. 20: Delicioso

The other night I gave in to temptation and had a bowl of pasta. It was delicious. The textures! The flavors! The colors! It’d been a long time since I’d eaten such a satisfying meal. Oh, it was simply lovely.

So I ate another bowl.

And because I couldn’t stop thinking about it, a couple hours later I had a little more. I have no self-control, which is exactly the reason I started to cut carbs in the first place.

Carbohydrates keep me fat. Fat increases the risk for all sorts of things that could kill me. That is not my goal, to die. I would like to live long enough to see which one of my kids is going to put me in a nursing home so I can re-write my will before I go all nutty. So I really need to not be eating three bowls of pasta every evening.

I just need to make these indulgences even less frequent. And that angers me because carbs are delicious and make me happy, and cutting carbs is not fun and makes me want to do bad things. Bad things to people that eat carbs freely and without guilt. I hate those people.

So let’s look at the bright side: occasionally I’ll slip, and that doesn’t make me a totally bad person. My addictions could be worse, couldn’t they? I mean, I could have an extreme craving for drugs or alcohol, and then I would endanger not just myself, but other people. I could be like my sister and use my drinking problem as an excuse to kill adorable little bunnies and pet spiders and my son’s friends I don’t like. (To be fair, it was just that one kid, and she didn’t kill him so much as try to kill him. Also, I think she was completely sober at the time. He was just a real shit-head.)

Apr. 23: Like a supermodel

The first autumn we lived in our house I planted a ton of tulip, crocus and daffodil bulbs in our front and back yards. Over the years they have disappeared for various reasons—I mostly blame failing to care for them in any way. But this morning I noticed this tulip in full bloom in our front yard, in an area that I’m quite sure I never planted a bulb.



Bad idea to choose our yard, Tulip. Your time is short; except for blackberry vines and dandelions, nothing lives long here and nothing ever comes back. You may be pretty, but you sure is dumb.