Jul. 15: Mini-vacay report

Do you hate when people say “vacay”? I kinda do too.

We just got home from a week in Southern Oregon and boy, are our arms tired!

(That is a very stupid joke. It doesn’t even make sense, because we didn’t fly to Southern Oregon, and I didn’t even suggest we flew in the sentence and let’s just start over, mmmkay?)

Last week we went to Southern Oregon. It was the vacation we took instead of going to San Francisco (the certainty of having to deal with crowds of America’s Cup watchers kept us away), and we really had a great time. Here’s how:

Saturday

Our goal on this trip was to find out if this book was science fiction:

Here we go…

We left home and drove to Medford. My mom lives there, in case you haven’t been paying attention. We sometimes call her “Mother Mary,” in case you haven’t been paying attention to that either. That evening we hung out at Mother Mary’s comfy and welcoming house, ran some errands, and not a whole lot else. Why is driving so exhausting, even as passengers? Vic wondered that aloud. More than once.

Sunday

A break from all that time in the car was in order, so we stayed in town all day. We went to Despicable Me 2. The kids and I had gone the week before, but Vic and Mom hadn’t; the movie is super-fun and definitely worth seeing more than once. Afterward we had lunch at Kaleidoscope Pizza. I’m sure there are similar pizza places in Portland and I definitely want to find them because YUM.

Monday

We got up early and headed to Brookings, which is on the southern Oregon coast. I hadn’t been there since I was a kid and didn’t realize that the best (only?) route there from Medford is through California. How weird is that? We drove north to Grants Pass, southwest across the state border to Crescent City, and back up north to Brookings. It’s cocoa for cuckoo poops, that’s what it is.

We drove along the very edge of the Redwoods and were tempted to drive a bit farther south to drive through that one tree, but stayed on course to the beach instead. We thought the weather would be better there. We are bad interpreters of weather forecasts.

Harris Beach is beautiful, at least it appeared to be when we could see through all the fog. The skies were disappointing, yes, but generally, the weather was warm so we didn’t mind much. I even got a sunburn, proving that clouds and fogs do not mean sunscreen is unnecessary. Katie and Jack did lots of wave-jumping and sand-throwing, and the dogs enjoyed romping up and down the coast.

It really was a fantastic day, and we were slightly pleased to find the southern coast weather as unreliable as the areas we visit on the central and northern parts of the coast. But our love of Harris Beach waned a few days later, when we saw this news item:

Health advisory lifted at Harris Beach

July 13, 2013

A public health advisory warning against water contact at Harris Beach was lifted Friday by the Oregon Health Authority, according to a news release.

The advisory was issued July 1 after water samples showed higher-than-normal levels of fecal bacteria at the east end of Goat Island in Curry County.

Recent samples taken by the Oregon Department of Environmental Quality showed bacteria levels had subsided and the water no longer posed a higher-than-normal risk, the release said.

But officials recommendeded [sic] staying out of large pools and runoff from water frequented by birds, whose waste was believed to be the source of the contamination.

The Oregon Beach Monitoring Program monitors the waters along Oregon's coastline for the presence of fecal bacteria annually from Labor Day through Memorial Day.

Marine waters are tested for enterococcus, which is an indicator of the presence of other bacteria. Enterococcus is present in human and animal waste.

Fecal bacteria can cause anything from diarrhea and stomach cramps to skin rashes or no reaction at all, but it is the largest threat to the elderly, children and those more vulnerable to waterborne bacteria.

Source: http://www.mailtribune.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20130713/NEWS07/307130328

Fecal bacteria levels were higher than normal? There are acceptable levels??? Yikes.

Vic and I researched Trip Advisor extensively to find the best places to visit on the southern coast, but we didn’t think to check recent news reports. [sing-song voice] Geniuses! But really, shouldn’t there have been a bunch of warning signs posted along the beach if we were supposed to stay out of the water? We didn’t see a single one.

Fortunately, none of us have been stricken with E. coli poisoning. Whew.

One of the coolest parts about this trip—and the beach was lovely, it really was—involved a liquor store just over the California border. If you Google a phrase like “why is alcohol cheaper in California” you’ll find a variety of ideas and even contradictions; all I know is that, for the most part, the liquor store outlets near the California-Oregon border had much better prices than I’ve ever seen at home. Mother Mary and I stocked up like the world’s about to end and we want to be drunk when it does. Or maybe we were buying in preparation for the Global Booze Wars. Those are happening, right? We be ready.

Tuesday

Mom took us to see My Fair Lady at the Oregon Shakespearean Festival. Anthony Heald played Eliza’s father and stole every scene he was in. What a hoot! Most of us know this actor from his baddie roles in Silence of the Lambs and tons of other movies and TV shows, but who knew that is actually quite delightful and can sing and dance, often at the same time?*

The show was spectacular. Somewhat sadly—but just somewhat—our kids recognized much of the music from the particularly hilarious My Fair Laddy episode of The Simpsons. In other words, Jack didn’t hate My Fair Lady. If you ask him to sing anything from it, though, you’ll hear “Wouldn’t It Be Adequate,” “I’m Gettin’ Blue Pants in the Morning,” and “In the Shack Where You Live.” Sorry. There’s only so much culture I can try to pound into that kid.

After the show, Mom treated us to a delicious dinner at Larks Home Kitchen Cuisine, the restaurant in Ashland Springs Hotel. Ten thumbs up.

I love Ashland, and there are lots of eateries worth a try, but here’s something I don’t understand: why do so many restaurants refuse to split checks? Larks actually had it printed at the bottom of their menu that they have a one-check-per-table policy. Is it really that much extra effort for them? And wouldn’t you think they should be willing to split checks just to please their customers, many of whom visit Ashland in large groups? Servers will inevitably get bigger tips that way, right? Puzzling.

Wednesday

Back to California! We left the dogs at home this time, and headed down I-5 to the Shasta area, touring Shasta Dam and appreciating shady parking spots and our vehicle’s powerful A/C. It was H-O-T HOT in them parts. Beautiful scenery though.

Since we were a handful of miles from Redding and the northernmost In-n-Out Burger, we went a leeetle bit out of our way for lunch. Those of us who ordered cheeseburgers were glad to make the detour. And did we stop at a liquor store before crossing back into Oregon? You bet your sweet open container ass we did!

The really memorable thing about the day was doing things we’d (mostly) not done before. I mean, how many times have we seen the sign to Shasta Dam/Lake from I-5 and thought “We should do that someday”? Too many times.

Thursday

We had tentatively planned to go back to Portland on Thursday, but Mom convinced us to stay for one more day of relaxation. We spent the hot morning in Auntie Donna’s pool and then went out for lunch, came home and watched the first two Iron Man movies, Life of Pi, and the film version of My Fair Lady. Except for the packing-up-to-go-home part, it was a bonus day of even more vacation fun.

Friday

We drove back north. ‘Twas a long and boring drive, but sooo worth it for our week of vacation with Mother Mary. Thank you, Mom, for hosting us!

Conclusion: this book had some excellent ideas for family activities. Not science fiction-y at all.

---

Since we’ve been home, the list of things we hoped to get done over the weekend mostly went undone. Today Vic is back to work and I’m doing all our vacation laundry. Blech.

*Lyric lifted from Spamalot and shamelessly paraphrased. I apologize.

May 26: This is just trivial.

I’ve been eyeballs-deep in school yearbook doodies the past couple weeks, but Thursday night I took a break. One of our favorite local hang-outs, Sports on Tap, was hosting a Geeks Who Drink trivia night. I’m all about trivia; my noodle is overflowing with facts about Punky Brewster and Lady & the Tramp and Sir Mix-a-Lot’s hometown, and that’s why I can’t remember maths no more.

We arrived armed with smart phones and tablets, assuming we could use them to look up answers, but the quiz master told us we could only use our brains. No way!

I thought all hope was lost.

I was soooo wrong.

Our team (“These are not the answers you’re looking for”) was Lori and Anthony, Cassie and Jeremy, and me and Vic. We were, like, the DOUBLE TRIFECTA of awesomeness, it turns out, and in first place until the very end, when we lost by four points to the hipster d-bags at the next table because Vic knew all the Kung Fu Panda answers but Jeremy didn’t write them all down because Cassie said he only needed one and then it sounded like Jeremy called her an ass and I was scared she’d punch him but I’ve always wanted to be in a bar brawl so I kept watching them glare at each other but then there was no brawl but that was probably good and then we lost so Jeremy yelled “ringers!” at the d-bags and I thought for a sec BAR BRAWL again but it didn’t happen that time either DAMMIT.

I nabbed this pic from the Geeks Who Drink web site. This was at the end, after we’d lost, but we were still smiling because BEER.

(Shown: rockin’ fockin’ perfection minus four points)

Will we be there next week to claim our rightful title? You bet your useless knowledge, we will! Sports on Tap is trying to schedule weekly trivia nights but I don’t think my liver can handle them that often (only one way to find out, though).

‘Twas a super-fun night with geeky friends. That’s the way to do things, folks.

Apr. 27: Jen’s experiment

I’m kind of on a countdown right now… I have approximately 56 hours left until my voluntary torture begins: National Screen-Free Week is April 30-May 6 and I’m giving it a try. Will I make it to May 6? My magic 8-ball says “outlook not so good.” That’s also what my mouth says. And my friends’ mouths. My mean, horrible, evil friends’ mouths.

I’ve been NOT looking forward to the start of SFW so much that I thought it started Sunday, not Monday. Just now, when I calculated the 56 hours I have left? It was 24 more than I expected. That should make me happy, right? Well, less grouchy, at the very least. And yet… I still don’t want to do this SO MU H. I can do it; I’m pretty sure of that. I just don’t really want to.

No one’s making me turn off all my screens. This event is something the PTO is sponsoring at Jack’s school as part of our reading incentive month; encouraging the kids to go screen-free but not doing it myself would be hypocritical, wouldn’t it?

Yes.

And that means you’re about to meet Screen-Free Jen, the Surliest Girl This Side of Anyone Who Dares to Mention One of Her Favorite TV Shows.

TV itself is not a problem—I almost never watch TV on a television. I watch it ALL THE TIME on my computer and iThings, though. That will have to stop. Here’s what I won’t be doing April 30-May 6:

• Watching Hulu+, nbc.com, cbs.com, abc.com, etc. Whose sick joke was it to schedule Screen-Free Week during sweeps? Imma stab someone for that.
• Facebook. This one’s a killer, since it’s my sole method of communication with lots of friends. It’s also a tremendous time-waster. If I could just use FB to keep up with friends’ news, I think it’d be fine, but NO. They have to go and post funny videos and links and make Facebook a big no-no for SFW. Damn my entertaining friends!
• Blogging. Pretty sure the world can live without my nonsense for a week.
• Playing games on my phone. I waste HOURS every week playing games on my phone—it’s what I do while waiting for Jack to get out of school, how I slow/shut down before I go to sleep, how I avoid talking to people while standing in lines… games like Scramble with Friends, Draw Something, Drop7, and Sudoku have become habits and will be hard to give up. I predict I’ll forget more than once. Should you see me forgetting, you do NOT have permission to slap my phone out of my hand, y’hear???
• Pinterest. Screen-Free Week was made for us Pinterest addicts, pretty sure.

Here’s stuff I’ll still be doing:

• Reading/answering email. I’m not about to cut myself off from the world in EVERY way.
• Texting. I don’t text excessively as it is, so this is not a form of time-wasting screen entertainment.
• Working. I’m still going to use my computer for school and work stuff. It’s using screens for entertainment that I’ll avoid.
• Checking weather and news. Again, I have no intention of shutting out the world.
• Listening to music. I can have Pandora on without staring at the screen for hours, so I say music on my iPod is fine.

What will I do? Here’s the flyer I made for the kids at school that has one beellion ideas.

• Read a book or fifty. At our Moms’ Book Exchange Night this week, I picked up eight new books. That should be enough to get me through SFW Day One.
• Nap. I loves me my naps, SFW or not.
• Go for walks. Maybe take one of the dogs along.
• Build a fort. IT WILL BE AWESOME.
• Whine. Probably a lot. Vic will probably Facebook about it. Watch and see.
• Drink heavily.

Screen-Free Week used to be TV Turnoff Week, back in the olden days before we walked around with an iDevice in each hand. It’s also been called Digital Detox Week. It’s a time to unplug and “engage in life” for seven days—long enough to get in a habit of easily finding non-screen forms of entertainment. Really, it’s a very good idea; I could use some detox-ing. Of course, I’ll probably pick up a bunch of way-worse habits next week that I’ll need to detox from…

It’s trading one addiction for another.

And that’s what life’s all about, right?

Dare I ask you to join me in Screen-Free Week? I do. I dare.

Jul. 4: Currently

Happy 4th of July!

I’ve been doing a Daybook post semi-regularly for a while now, but half the time I can’t think of anything to write and I delete sections and then forget to add them back in the next week and basically, I’ve totally farked up the Daybook as it was meant to be. Today, I’m giving this variation a try. I found it on Pinterest (of course).

Currently…

1. listening

I’m listening to the dogs snoring. I keep humming, which is driving me crazy—I swear, it’s involuntary. Birds are making noise outside. OK, I can’t take the humming anymore; Pandora it is. No noise from the kids this morning, since they’re at G&G’s. Their cousin is there for a week or so, and I’ve seen very little of Katie since Julianne arrived. Katie is the biggest Julianne fan EVER, obvy. Heck, even Jack likes Julianne. I know, I can’t believe it either.

2. eating

I’m not eating anything right at the moment. When it’s time—and I know you care—I’ll be eating cereal. Mmmmm. You are jealous.

Yesterday, however, we had a delicious lunch over at Vic’s parents’ house. Burgers, ribs, homemade potato salad, beans, corn on the cob, pink lemonade… it was perfect. If Vic wasn’t working today we all would’ve gathered for lunch today instead, like normal Americans.

3. drinking

I just finished drinking a huge mug of coffee.

Oh, speaking of drinking, I need your opinion. The other night Vic came home with tonic water, limes, rum, and Sunny D. He added this to our already very well-stocked liquor cabinet shelf. Is he making it easier than ever for me to get my drink on, and if so, why?

OK, never mind. I know why.

4. wearing

I’m wearing yoga pants and a tank top right now. It’s a shocking change from absolutely nothing.

5. feeling

I woke up with the cat on my head, so I’m feeling a little cat-stabby. Waking to a beautiful blue sky is the perfect remedy, though—and honestly, I love the kitty’s loud purr, though less when it’s accompanied by her claws kneading my scalp. And now that I’ve been up for a several hours—I’m a slow waker-upper—I’m feeling eager to getting things accomplished today. I already went through the week’s mail, did some organizing downstairs, and now I’m working on things in my office. I’ll continue being productive, I think, unless I get on Pinterest. I can get lost in Pinterest for hours. Pinterest is the devil.

6. weather

Along with the beautiful blue sky, the forecast says we’ll get to 82° today. Portland frequently has sucky weather for 4th of July, so this is a nice little surprise. Good weather for pulling weeds in the front yard too—that’s the excuse I’m going to use to spend an extended period of time out in this weather perfection.

7. wanting

I am really, really wanting a vacation—a real one, involving an airport. Right now I don’t want anything else. Maybe a cookie, but mostly a vacation.

8. needing

I am seriously needing to punch some people—specific ones—in the face. Repeatedly.

9. thinking

I’m thinking it’s time to stop writing. I need to tackle my list of projects and spend time in the sunshine. Just one more thing…

10. enjoying

Last night we watched Up in the Air and enjoyed it very much. Like my post about The Hangover the other day, we’re way behind everyone else seeing this movie, so I’m not going to be THAT dork by going on and on about it.

Divine has sweet coconut frozen yogurt right now! I love that stuff. I’d love to enjoy it a lot more than I should.

In closing, here’s a visual of things in my brain these days:

Have a fab holiday.

Jun. 12: Fuzzy memories

The following things may or may not have happened over the past four days:

• On Thursday, Tina and I hosted a last-day-of-school party at our houses and 72 people (half kids, half adults) showed up. Likelihood that I am making up the number of guests, on a scale of 1-5 (5=extremely likely): 1
• We prepared recipes from the e-book 100 recipes for whipped cream vodka for grown-ups. Likelihood that the shot glass sized sample cups kept us from having a lawn-ful of passed-out adults, on a scale of 1-5 (5=extremely likely): 5
• The weather was perfect. Likelihood that this is finally and fabulously true, on a scale of 1-5 (5=extremely likely): 5
• I asked Cassie to help me pull a piece of celery out of my teeth. She grabbed it with both hands and put a foot against my knee to brace herself, but we were laughing too hard to get anywhere. Victor finally came to my rescue. Likelihood that this actually happened, on a scale of 1-5 (5=extremely likely): 2
• I recorded a video in which I later realized I had a bad case of Narrator Hiccups. Likelihood that my hiccups were actually vodka burps, on a scale of 1-5 (5=extremely likely): 5
• While recording, other things also happened. Likelihood that this is true, on a scale of 1-5 (5=extremely likely): 3
• While recording, other things were also said. Likelihood that this is true, on a scale of 1-5 (5=extremely likely): 4
• I cannot make this video publicly available, as I will soon be a PTO c0-president and it would be highly incriminating—comparable to the head of NAACP telling racist jokes. Likelihood that this is a smart decision, on a scale of 1-5 (5=extremely likely): 5
• ***But come on. If you’re gonna dance to “Single Ladies,” the Chicken Dance is never the right choice. NEVER, I tell you. Never. Likelihood that I am righter about this than I’ve ever been about anything I’ve ever said, on a scale of 1-5 (5=extremely likely): 5 ***
• Cassie laid on me in an effort to show her sincere gratitude and to say goodbye. Likelihood that this actually happened, on a scale of 1-5 (5=extremely likely): a fuzzy 3
• Cassie straddle-hugged my husband on the couch to say goodbye. Likelihood that I was sober enough to actually give her permission to do this, on a scale of 1-5 (5=extremely likely): a less fuzzy 4
• Dawn stole vodka. Likelihood that this is actually why she found it on her counter the next morning, on a scale of 1-5 (5=extremely likely): 2
• I hugged Rob. Likelihood that we were both totally sober when this happened, on a scale of 1-5 (5=extremely likely): 2
• Unlike last year’s party at Dina’s, I did not spit on my friends. Likelihood that I remember this incorrectly, and did indeed spit on my friends, possibly even more than I did last year, on a scale of 1-5 (5=extremely likely): 5
• Wendy’s daughter’s only word is “drink.” Likelihood that this is hilariously true, on a scale of 1-5 (5=extremely likely): 5
• Friday morning I woke to find my house surprisingly still clean, and we invited friends over for a poker party that evening. Likelihood that this was an excuse to drink more of that whipped cream vodka, on a scale of 1-5 (5=extremely likely): 5
• Hurtful insults were thrown about. Likelihood that most of them came from me or Val, on a scale of 1-5 (5=extremely likely): 4
• I won a large-ish pot with a pair of twos. Likelihood that this made Fancy Lori™ mad, on a scale of 1-5 (5=extremely likely): 4
• Fancy Lori™ played scales on my grade school flute. Likelihood that she’s really good with the low notes, on a scale of 1-5 (5=extremely likely): 5
• Anthony played our ukulele that we’ve never tuned. Likelihood that I said “DUH!” when he said it was “totally out of tune,” on a scale of 1-5 (5=extremely likely): 4
• Anthony played my grade school flute. Likelihood that this actually sounded good, on a scale of 1-5 (5=extremely likely): 1
• Fancy Lori™ is going to be Funner Lori™ from now on. Likelihood that this will happen, if you ask me and Val, on a scale of 1-5 (5=extremely likely): 3 (we forget stuff easily)
• I slept very, very late on Saturday morning. Likelihood that I totally needed this, on a scale of 1-5 (5=extremely likely): 5
• Victor and I cleaned the garage. Likelihood that we spent all of Saturday and most of Sunday tackling this long-overdue task, on a scale of 1-5 (5=extremely likely): 5
• You could eat off the floor of our garage. Likelihood that I recommend this, on a scale of 1-5 (5=extremely likely): 1
• We filled the van with donations and six garbage bags with trash. There’s another pile that will end up at the dump. This hard work has cleared up enough room in our garage that we could fit a vehicle in there, if we so choose. I have many storage boxes to go through before I feel like we’ve really pared down our belongings. Likelihood that this was still a tremendous and much-needed de-cluttering, on a scale of 1-5 (5=extremely likely): 5
• There is a beat-up old freezer on our front porch. Likelihood that there have been worse things there before (like a toilet!), on a scale of 1-5 (5=extremely likely): 4
• Tomorrow you will hear me and Victor complaining about sore muscles from all our hard work this weekend. Likelihood that listening to us will drive you crazy, on a scale of 1-5 (5=extremely likely): BITE ME.

Mar. 28: Daybook

Today…

Outside my window... there are tons of new blooms in the front yard—the daffodils, crocuses (crocii?), and hyacinths have all popped open, and the tulips are well on their way. It’s so cheery and lovely that even with the grey skies today, it seems like spring is on its way.

This weekend, I… enjoyed Poker Night with friends. It was a blast, as always. I remember a lot of loud talking and grabbing of Val’s boobies and way too many kids downstairs and at one point I looked down and all my chips were gone. Someone stole them, I just know it, because how else would they have disappeared? I spent all of yesterday recovering from Poker Night. Yep, this girl overdid it just a bit, but it was worth it. **

**It wasn’t actually worth it. I still feel like someone kicked my head in.

I am thankful that... we went to Medford last week. It was good to get away from home—it almost felt like being on vacation. Thanks for having us, Mom! We found a new bead store that we loved, and got to visit with Uncle Paul and Claire, Nana (stories later, I promise!), my favorite cousin Deanna, and GILLY GILLY GILLY.

I am working on... some new décor ideas for my office. See, I have these IKEA boxes:

…and I want them to look less boring. I found this paper (the photo is a super-duper close-up of the teeny-tiny print):

…that has the new wall color in it, and I hope to combine it with other colors to pretty up those plain white boxes. I’m not sure yet how it will all come together, but if it looks even halfway purty, you can be sure I’ll share a photo or seven.

I need to tell you about something I love: stamped metal jewelry. You know what I mean:

etsy has tons of it, and I am going to learn to do it too. I don’t think metal stamping can really be just a hobby—the supplies are far from cheap—so I might just have to start my own etsy shop. That’d be a darn shame, right? I found this site that tells all about metal stamping, and I’m very excited to get started! Can you just imagine how satisfying it will be to pound out letters on metal? The hammer! The noise! The dents in all my furniture! I predict my anxiety levels will decrease dramatically with the first strike.

I am kind of excited because… Fancy Anthony™ is talking about creating a Stuff Jen Says iPhone app! I have no idea what it’s supposed to do, but it sounds way cool, because, um… STUFF JEN SAYS IPHONE APP. Hello! Suggestions friends came up with while playing poker: a drunk Facebooking translator, a keyboard that creates gibberish, a breathalyzer that locks me out of Facebook if my blood alcohol content is above “legally shit-faced,” and I just realized all of the features have to do with me being a drunk. Hm. Not so excited all of a sudden.

A few plans for the rest of the week: work, a visit with Sarah Vowell tomorrow night, PTO thangs, more work. Tentative plans: daily naps. One can hope, can’t one?

Here is picture for thought I am sharing: It’s more art from Curly Girl Designs. I just can’t get enough of her creations.

Have a good week, my pretties.

Want to blog your own Daybook? Here’s the info: The Simple Woman’s Daybook.

Mar. 22: Reverend Jen

As a reverend of Universal Life Church, I have committed to this doctrine: “Do only that which is right.”

I like to think I follow it pretty well, but sometimes it’s tricky because what is “right” to me is not necessarily “right” to others. Like, if I’m late to a meeting and don’t want to wait in line at Starbucks, it’s “right” for me to cut in front of everyone else. By all the yelling, though, I’m pretty sure the other people in line don’t think I’m “right” to do that.

Whatev. I’m following my church doctrine, folks.

My husband does not, even for a second, respect my title. In fact, he says I’m nothing without a following. This, my friends, is how cults get started: a dare from a spouse.

When I mention it at parties—how I’m going to start my own religion and I need church members—I get all sorts of promises from my friends to join my church. It might be the alcohol talking, but I like their promises, so my second church doctrine will be “Alcohol.” How’s that for rules?

1. Do only that which is right.
2. Alcohol.

I know, I know. You want to sign up right now.

Today’s post at AndyRossComedy.com was especially interesting to me because it’s all about his journey through one religion after another until he started his own. I think he’s really onto something with his guidelines:

- We don’t really have any dietary restrictions. Although, we do try to avoid olives and capers, just because they’re gross. Also, if someone wants sun-dried tomatoes on a pizza, we insist on extra cheese.

- We only pray when we want a new iPad, or when we’re late for a job interview.

- Our Sabbath falls on whichever day of the week is the sunniest. On that day, we hammock.

- We don’t believe in Heaven, but we do believe in Vietnamese sandwiches. So, close.

- We wear special magic underwear that makes our ass look great in these jeans.

- We do not believe in speaking aloud God’s real name, which is Henry F. Gunderson. OH NO!

- We believe in a strict separation of duties between the sexes. Only men shall perform card tricks; only women shall tie balloon animals.

- Reincarnation gets a solid “maybe” to “why not?”

- We do not believe in free will, as evidenced by this empty bag of potato chips.

- Our most sacred animal is the giraffe, because we thought we’d try to bolster its self confidence.

- We bury our dead in their most comfortable pajamas.

- We enjoy the occasional Agatha Christie novel.

Other than that, there aren’t many more rules to my religion—just another four hundred or so. But, most of those pertain to hammock etiquette.

I have strong feelings about olives and capers—I like them—so I can’t drop my dream of starting my own cult religion and just join Andy’s. That there’s a deal-breaker. Dang. But it’s got the wheels turning in my head…

Sep. 27: Daybook (and much more!)

My laptop is all farked up. Here’s what happened:

1. The monitor part didn’t come on. This has been happening occasionally in the past couple weeks, but usually restarting it helps. This time I restarted four times and it still didn’t come on.
2. I went downstairs and lugged up the monitor from the kids’ desktop computer, which hasn’t been connected to the computer because I can’t get the Internet working on it ever since we moved it downstairs and ask me how much I care because I don’t.
3. I plugged the monitor in to my laptop and turned it on. My laptop finally came on. So did the monitor, but the screen was all wonky so I unplugged it. I was happy.
4. My happiness was brief. The touchpad suddenly started going all jumpy and weird.
5. I restarted.
6. Still jumpy and weird.
7. I went downstairs and lugged up the mouse from the kids’ desktop. Okay, not so much “lugged” as “carried.” Fine.
8. I plugged the mouse into my laptop.
9. Still jumpy and weird.
10. I tried using the keyboard to navigate and type stuff. Every other keystroke worked. This made me look like a bad speller.
11. I cursed and cursed.
12. I used my PTO laptop to research the issue. Verdict: I think my personal laptop is on its deathbed. So now I’m being a bad non-profit organization treasurer and using non-profit organization resources for personal (albeit very important) use.
13. I am sad.

Does this stop me from blogging? Only temporarily. I’ll still do my Daybook because I love you. Not really. Some of you, though. And your emails are still getting to me, but replying to them is difficult. Not impossible. Depends on how much I love you.

Today…

Outside my window... it’s overcast and dreary. Welcome to autumn in Portland. Blech. One of the few things I like about this season, however, is SOUP. I love soup weather. I love using the crock pot. This paragraph is making me hungry.

This weekend, I… did all that stuff above, a little cleaning, met with my fellow board members, and worked on forms and letters all the live-long day(s). Not super-duper fun. But it started out with a very happy and much-needed Happy Hour on Friday night, so it evens out. I hang with some awesome ladies.

I am thinking... that it’s gonna be a lot more of the same all week, but-cept for the Happy Hour. Unless I have my own Happy Hour. Hey! There’s an idea! Jen’s Happy Hour Every Night From 5pm to Close (We Never Close). I am sooo on it. You’re all invited.

I am thankful for... alcohol, or at least the possibility of alcohol. And those awesome ladies. Drinkin’s no fun without the awesome ladies. In fact, it’s kinda depressing without them.

I am working on... PTO things. Never-ending, I tells ya.

I am going... insane. You think I’m kidding? My brain is overflowing with school things and pushing important stuff out, like I can’t think of anything because I’m going insane. Why don’t you believe me?

I am reading... a lot of configuration options for the new laptop for which I now need to shop. The part I hate the most has a dollar sign in front of it.

I am hoping... to talk to my oncologist this week. I’m going to (nicely) demand a port.

I am hearing... dogs snoring. How is it that they spend the first ten minutes of my awakeness barking and snarling, and when I’m finally awake, they go back to sleep? Grrr, pups… very grrr.

Around the house... there are some newly clean spots that were cluttery for a very long time. I tackled a few this weekend, and am feeling all organize-y.

One of my favorite things... is when I’m all organize-y.

Plans for the rest of the week: it starts and ends (literally) with PTO.

Here are a couple images I want to share:

   

Want to blog your own Daybook? Here’s the info: The Simple Woman’s Daybook.

Once again, I leave you with my favorite quote from the Broadway musical Avenue Q. I think it’ll be my new sign-off. “We'll be fine, thank you! See ya! Hope you don't get gonorrhea!”

Jul. 6: All fireworks-y

Our recycling bin tells the story best: we had a party.

We invited a small group of friends and family over Sunday evening for a Fourth of July celebration. I regretted the decision just a few times in the days leading up to the event, like while making the 400th set of Kool-Aid ice cubes and scrubbing the deck table for an hour to get all the winter grime off it. Mostly, though, we were excited to have a reason to give the house a really good cleaning. (Yes, we need a reason.)

Katie and Jack want to help us get things ready when we’re having people over, but they totally suck at it. The vacuum is too loud for Katie to be in the same room where it’s running. Even if they could get the duster in high places, they wouldn’t. Jack’s preferred method of straightening his room is to shove everything in his closet. Yesterday I opened the door and a pile of papers fell out; I’m all, YOU HAVE A DESK WITH EMPTY DRAWERS BUT YOU PUT PAPERS ON YOUR TOY BOX? If I could spell the sound that came out of my mouth, I would.

Suffice it to say, the majority of the party prep was left up to grown-ups.

The kids helped me shop for decor and plan some of the food items, and they made these posters in honor of the holiday:

Thirteen stripes, 20 diamonds. Works for me.

My favorite parts of Jack’s poster are Mt. Rushmore and “Rusha.”

The kids helped a little bit with the food preparation, too, but got bored easily. They fought over who got to chop olives until that task got boring, and were most eager to make the red, white, and blue cake batter for the cupcakes. They also enjoyed p0uring the red and blue Kool-Aid into ice cube trays, though Jack did NOT like when Katie pointed out which of his squares were less full than others.

 

We made lots of festive food, but the really fun things (in my opinion) were the bald eagle treats, which I found at Family Fun.

A big ol’ marshmallow rolled in white chocolate and covered in coconut? YUM.

Another supremely Fourth of July-ish component was the special adult beverage I created for the evening. I got the recipe online, but when Victor and I did a taste-test last week it needed some extreme modifying—which means the drink recipe is all MINE now.

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Jen’s Snap-Crackle-Pop

• 1 oz. Blue Curacao
• 1 oz. cranberry vodka
• Fresh lime
• Pop Rocks
• Sprite

Mix Blue Curacao and vodka in a cocktail shaker half-filled with ice; shake well. Run fresh lime along the rim of the glass and dip in Pop Rocks. Pour strained liquor into glass. Fill with Sprite.

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If anyone frowns on the alcohol in this beverage, remember: Pop Rocks cure cancer. It all evens out.

The fireworks show began at dusk. I’m not a big fan of fireworks at home, so we stuck with the legal (safe/boring) ones. I wasn’t the only cautious parent, though—there was much hollering of things like POINT IT AWAY FROM YOU! and RUN! and YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO STAND OVER THE ONES THAT SHOOT, VICTOR! Jack loved getting to light some of his very own fireworks (with close supervision and Mom nowhere in the vicinity to say no) and there were no life-threatening injuries to anyone who counted. Here’s a link to gorgeous photography by Fancy Anthony™.

The festivities were accompanied, of course, by my fab Fourth of July playlist.

We felt privileged to spend the holiday with friends and family. I don’t know if a fun time was had by all, but a fun time was definitely had by these here Manullangs. We can’t wait to do it again!

Jun. 20: It’s just a small request

All I want for Father’s Day is for it to be hot enough that I can say I NEED a mojito.

I know I can make mojitos even when it’s cold outside. If it’s hot out, though, they would be so extra-refreshing that YES, I would NEED one or maybe four. But when it’s gloomy and grey and chilly and often raining and the sun has shined, like, TWICE all month… I want to go away and live at a place with a swim-up bar and I want to do it yesterday.

P.S. to Fancy Anthony™—that thing in the picture above is not a salad.

Jun. 18: IDCEAYWTPFriday

It’s Friday, and that means you get a post called I Don’t Care Enough About You to Write in Transitioning Paragraphs Friday.

• What are your plans for Father’s Day? We don’t have any. I should probably work on that.
• Here are 11 of the worst Father’s Day gifts you could give. I think the branding iron is kinda cool, but the rest are pretty bad. There are no nose hair trimmers on the list—does that mean those are a good gift? I sorta need to know ASAP.
• School’s out. I managed to keep Katie and Jack busy yesterday—they played with friends, watched a little TV, and we ran some errands—but this morning Katie said she missed school. I’ve got a big ol’ job chart all set up for them to earn extra allowance all summer, though, so if they tell me they’re bored I can point to that and maybe they’ll leave me the hell alone.
• (“Super Mom.” That’s the phrase you were looking for.)
• I got each of the kids a workbook for transitioning into their new grades in the fall. (As further proof of my complete nerdism, I loved that kind of thing when I was in grade school.) They’re actually pretty excited about them, but we’ll see how far they get before the workbooks mysteriously go missing. That always happens, doesn’t it?
• Last weekend I found some IKEA items that have changed life at The House of Manullang. I usually keep a grocery bag under my desk for paper recycling, and it looks messy and ugly; I replaced it with one of these nylon recycling bags:
  
  
  They’re a little taller than a paper grocery bag, but as you can see, not as ugly and a lot more durable. They were $6.99 for the set of three. Don’t tell Mr. IKEA, but I would’ve paid that for just one.
  
  I also found these cute metal plant support sticks that look way nicer than wooden dowels or big stakes in the yard. They were $1.99 for a set of two, and come in either black or silver:
  
   
  
  One of the other fun and inexpensive things we got were these small blown glass lamps ($6.99), which we put on either end of our mantle. They make for nice mood lighting and now I want them everywhere in the house:
  
  
  
  OK, so maybe these things haven’t changed our lives, but you gotta admit, they are neat-o. It’s IKEA LOVE. So much IKEA love.
• On Wednesday, the last day of school, I met up with Cassie, Fancy Lori™, and Sunshine for a leisurely lunch at Stanford’s. We hung out with even more lovely ladies at Dina’s a few hours later during another celebration of the end of our freedom, where we drank heavily to numb the pain. Well, *I* drank heavily. I think everyone else just sat and watched me. That’s how it felt, anyway. I haven’t had that much to drink in 20-some years. It was quite lovely, the freedom of not caring if I spit water across the counter onto my friends. I will miss those friends.
• I won’t be drinking that much again any time soon, I can assure you. Besides the fact that being out of control is my least favorite way to be, I don’t think I can spare the brain cells. The good news is that I never threw up, and I wasn’t hungover yesterday. Both of those things are firsts for how the few drinking binges I’ve had in my life have ended.
• Ran across this today:

Your child is having a problem, not being a problem.

               Oh yeah, it’s a nice thought. Whoever wrote it has obviously never met my son.

• We’ve mostly stuck to perennials for our front yard, but this year we planted a handful of pansies and dahlias. The dahlias have taken their time blooming, so I was excited to see that this one finally popped all the way open yesterday:
  
  
  I love it, except for all the holes. Slugs are devouring the plants in our front yard. Last night Victor scattered slug poison (or bait or tranquilizer or whatever you call it—that’s the powdery stuff you can see in the pic). This morning Katie came running in and said, “Mom, this is sooo gross! You gotta see all the slime and dead slugs in our yard!” She wasn’t kidding—it IS gross. However, she was sad for all the slugs and I thought it was hilarious. So hilarious, in fact, that I took pictures. Katie thinks there’s something seriously disturbed about Mommy now.
  
  Notice the slug trails coming away from the plant… they end in dead slugs! Yay! (Oh, P.S. That’s one of the IKEA plant sticks in the delphinium that you can barely see but it’s totally cute, right?)
  
  More slug trails, more dead slugs. I laugh all sinister-like at this.
  
  See, this guy was totally going for another dahlia when fate jumped in the way. Don’t mess with my flowers, jackhole! Now you’re dead on the sidewalk and my kid’s gonna ride over you with his bike until you’re flat. Ha.
  
  This all kinda makes our yard a big ol’ slug graveyard right now, which isn’t so cool. But maybe now our plants will live to adulthood.
• Exciting news! Katie and Jack got their own library cards yesterday. This is their first official-ness, except for their social security cards and passports, which I won’t let them carry in the wallets they always lose. They were pretty “meh” about it until the librarian told them the library cards were a little like credit cards. That’s when Jack’s eyes got huge. I don’t think he heard anything else she said.
• So, what would you do if you came out of sedation and found out your family had chosen to pull the plug on you? My grandma is doing lots better now, but I’m afraid for my mom if Grandma ever finds out they yanked her. I talked to Grandma this morning and she sounded almost normal. It’s very strange, this whole thing, but I’m glad for Kathy’s sake that Grandma didn’t die on her watch. Although that would’ve given me lots to tease her about for years to come… Heh heh heh…

Smell ya later, folks—