Jul. 8: Where’s the “any” key?

When technology is giving me grief, there’s a small bit of consolation when I find out it was defective equipment and not something stupid I was doing that was wonking everything up.

From the Simpsons episode when Homer gets fat so he can go on disability:

Homer: [reading screen] "To Start Press Any Key". Where's the ANY key? I see Esk ["ESC"], Catarl ["CTRL"], and Pig-Up ["PGUP"]. There doesn't seem to be any ANY key. Woo! All this computer hacking is making me thirsty. I think I'll order a TAB. [presses TAB key] Aw... no time for that now, the computer's starting.

At least I didn’t cause a nuclear meltdown and then stop it with my giant muu-muu’ed ass, like Homer did. You’da probably read about it on the news if I had. Heh heh.

My oh-so-many curse-heavy outbursts this week can be blamed on a router that Linksys finally admitted was bad bad bad. Naughty, in fact. I exchanged it today for one that works, and voy-oil-ay, we’re on the Internet again. I’ve got my pretty curly apostrophes and quotation marks back. Hooray. I know you’re happy too.

Sep. 24: Nat’l Punctuation Day

How cool is this? Today is National Punctuation Day.

I’ll let you explore the site on your own (I know you want to), but I have to recommend the punctuation error photos that readers have submitted. They’re great.

July 5: Grammar test

"your so kewl lets get 2gether sumtim" Sometimes a person can wonder if anyone knows how to spell anymore. Sometimes a person has to wonder if teachers have just given up on grammar and punctuation altogether. Sometimes a person wonders what all the fuss is about if other people can figure out what's being said.

Are you well-versed in homophones, possessive pronouns, and punctuation? Do you know why apostrophes are being overworked and underpaid? Do you spend so much time text messaging on your phone that you no longer know how to spell without numbers? Do you wonder why the non-word "gooder" is in the title? Go on, take the quiz and see what the teacher would give you in Language Arts today.

Now, these are my kinds of tests. Good luck!

--Jen

Your Language Arts Grade: 100%

Way to go! You know not to trust the MS Grammar Check and you know "no" from "know." Now, go forth and spread the good word (or at least, the proper use of apostrophes).

Are You Gooder at Grammar?

June 5: Apostrophe abuse

It's not just me, okay?

I ran across a great blog today. I do not yet know the author, but I love him and/or her. I do. Check out Apostrophe Abuse. On this fine site there was also a list of related links; one of them led me to the National Punctuation Day web site. It's a good'n, except for the picture of a guy (the founder!) on the front page with very hairy shoulders. I mean, geez! Even perfect apostrophe usage can't make up for a lack of much-needed sleeves.

Another link I found was to the "blog" of "unnecessary" quotation marks. Although unnecessary quoting doesn't bother me nearly as much as other bad punctuation does, it probably will now. Other people's annoyances very easily become my own.

Join me in my punctuation snobbery, won't you? Please? I feel a little lonely sometimes.

--Jen
P.S. My goodness, I am a bitchy wench. Proof: two of my earlier punctuation-related rants can be found at Bite Me, Jackass (follow the "Best Idea Ever" link) and A Word to the Unwise.

Mar. 30: A word to the unwise

These are just a few of the things that have been making me crazy.

1. “It’s” and “its.” If you’re using i-t-s as “it is,” use an apostrophe. For example, “It’s so pleasant to sleep with the window open at night.” If you’re using it as a possessive, there is no apostrophe, as in, “The problem with that frog in our backyard is that its constant croaking is going to make me kill it.”
   
2. This one also involves the use of apostrophes. What makes people think they need to use apostrophes for plurals? Why do they do that to me? “We took the kid’s to the pet store to fit them for collar’s and leash’s.” NOOOOOOO! That’s so incorrect! ‘A-member, the apostrophes are to be used when referring to something that belongs to someone (except in the case of “its,” of course) or as a contraction. Don’t make me hit you, mmkay?
   
3. This one is the “and I” vs. “and me” thing, and has come up around our house quite a bit lately because Katie’s been learning what’s correct when. Here’s how I learned it: if you were talking about yourself and would say “I,” then if you’re talking about yourself and someone else, you say, “and I.” Here’s an example: “I bought leg warmers for Kathy,” and “Lori and I bought leg warmers for Kathy.” But if you would use “me” then you don’t say “and I.” “Sheila loaned me her ‘Xanadu’ soundtrack for my road trip.” “Sheila loaned me and Kathy her ‘Xanadu’ soundtrack for our road trip.” It’s not “Sheila loaned Kathy and I her soundtrack.” See the difference? Now you’ll never make the mistake again, right?
   
4. Jack jumping on the bed while I’m taking a nap. But that's a whole 'nother post
   
5. High shipping rates for online orders. But that’s a whole ‘nother 'NOTHER post.
   

And hey, don't blame ME for the inconsistent grammar usage rules of our English language. I love you, I really do. But I'll love you more if you change.

--Jen

Mar. 8: Restraining Orders, or "get out of my dreams and also out of my car"

You know, it's very easy to criticize. Fun, too.

Today, for your reading pleasure, I'm going to share some of the things that really bug me. Because it would be impossible for me to rate these things by degrees of annoying-ness, they're in no particular order. You'll notice that many of the things that bug me are writing- and grammar-related. My sister's list is identical in that way; blame our perfection-obsessed parents.

My Airing of Grievances
with apologies in this non-Festivus season

• Incorrect usage of your and you're, it's and its, their and they're and there, to and too. A typo is one thing. If you really don't know the difference, though... did you pay no attention in grade school English class??? Sheesh.
• Watching my mom prepare her coffee. First, she waters it down, and then destroys it further by adding powdered creamer, even when there's the perfectly good liquid kind in the fridge! And then she DRINKS it!
• Over-using exclamation points!!! If I do it, it's because it's necessary. No one else has a good excuse.
• People that don't signal when changing lanes; I want to know that you know where you're going. People that try to merge on the freeway at 40mph. People that go the speed limit in the fast lane; first, it's there for passing, not for driving, and even if you think you're forcing everyone to obey the law, you're really just a traffic hazard and the source for much road rage. Someday when someone shoots at you it will be because you deserve it.
• Inconsiderate neighbors (not just mine). You know who you are. Actually, you probably don't, but if you did you wouldn't change. You're just that way, aren't you?
• That more people don't listen to my brilliant ideas. I have many.
• People using apostrophes where they don't belong, as in, "Lot's of people have brilliant idea's, but not as many as my friend's and I do." Also incorrectly using plurals, like "skys" or "sky's" instead of "skies." Have you heard the good news about spell-checkers?
• Not using spell-checkers.
• People that don't take responsibility for their actions. "Ouchie, I spilled coffee on my nether regions because I put it in my lap even though I knew it was super hot. Now McDonalds must PAY!" Because of you, food packaging now says things like, "Warning: Product will be hot after heating."
• Houses painted in hideous colors in neighborhoods of houses painted in non-hideous colors.
• Return envelopes that say, "Tampering with this envelope or its contents will result in legal action." I don't know how serious the threat is, but it interferes with my habit of returning crap mail to senders just to show them how annoying it is to receive crap mail. A Sharpie used to be enough to fix identifying info on the outside of envelopes, but now I'm too a-scared!
• Web sites with ridiculous shipping rates. They suck. Also, poorly designed shopping cart systems on store web sites. Ya gonna have a web presence? Make it work.
• Reruns in prime-time.
• Bad tippers. Like it or not, in this country, it's customary. Don't embarrass your dining companions by being cheap.
• That annoying shortcut language that's become popular and accepted thanks to chat rooms and messaging. You know, using "u" instead of "you," "2" instead of "to" or "too," "b4" instead of "before." The abbreviations don't bother me--LOL, BRB, IMHO, etc. It's the weird Prince-like spelling that gives me the shivers.
• That Crispix is so expensive. Other cereals are expensive too, but Crispix is my favorite. Seems every time it's on sale the store has, like, four boxes in stock. Stooopid store.
• Expiration dates.
• The dash lights in my car. Too much red! It looks like a freakin' cockpit at night. As much as I love Volkswagens, it's always something with them. At least everything is still working in the Passat, unlike my Jetta, which had odd little electrical problems from the start.
• The fact that if not for Hitler, Volkswagen might not even exist. I just found out, thanks to Yahoo!'s question of the day, that that German Ethel Merman ordered development of what eventually became the Beetle. I blame my goofy dash lights on him.
• Putting two spaces between sentences or between the state and zip or after a colon. The "two spaces" rule went out with typewriters and fixed-width fonts. Stop it.

That's all for today, kids. Maybe tomorrow I will share a few of my favorite things, like raindrops on roses, whiskers on kittens, bright copper kettles, and warm woolen mittens.

Or not.

--Jen-Jen