Jan. 8: Warning labels

One of my favorite “warnings” is from The Simpsons:

Kent Brockman: Springfield has come down with a fever: football fever. If you have the fever, there's only one cure. Take two tickets, and see the game Sunday morning.
Public Service Announcer: Warning. Tickets should NOT be taken internally.
Homer Simpson: See? Because of me, now they have a warning.

Or from a food item:
Warning: this product will be hot when heated

Or from a label on a chainsaw blade:
Do not attempt to stop chain with hands

Here are some items that should have warning labels on them. Warning: link goes to cracked.com, which frequently contains nudity, profanity, and unsavory behavior. So, um... enjoy!

July 12: Critter hater

I love animals. They’re cute. They’re cuddly. They’re sweet. They’re all those things people always say about animals. In my lifetime I’ve had dogs, cats, hamsters and even a chick as pets. They’ve always been part of the family. Even L.C., my bitchy cat that moved to Dad’s, is, to me, a sweet girl.

My sister says she loves animals too. I’m not really sure. Y’see, she’s got a history of slaughtering them, or as she always corrects me, “putting them out of their misery.” She thinks she’s doing the right thing. But if they end up dead, does anyone really win?

One time she attacked her kid’s pet tarantula with a shovel. Boy, did the hairy legs fly! Humane thing to do, my butt. (‘Course, I kinda have to side with the murderer on this one, as I don’t know why anyone would keep a spider as a pet. Not a fan o’ the creepy crawlies.)

And another time she ran over a bunny repeatedly and ON PURPOSE. She missed it the first time, so she backed up and tried again. Poor panicked bunny rabbit, probably dropped more than a few pellets each time the tires came oh-so-close. Probably died of a heart attack before the ultimate flattening actually occurred. Bunny’s wife and kids were probably watching from behind a yucca plant at the side of the road.

“Mama, why is that crazy monster lady with the glowing eyes and sharp teeth scaring Daddy? And why is that boy standing in the road yelling, ‘Missed again, Mom…’ over and over? Why isn’t he helping Daddy?”

… SQUISH.

.
.
.

“Never mind, Mama…”

Whenever I think about these two events—and they’re the only two I know about, but there are probably pa-lenty more she hasn’t admitted (people that intentionally smash animals tend to be liars too)—I have to ask myself why I think my sister is so neat-o. Because neat-o people do not kill living creatures (except non-pet spiders and earwigs). Neat-o people don’t make excuses for their fits of insane rage. Neat-o people seek help.

Kath, please seek help.

And somebody needs to warn Shelby and Molly. It’s just a matter of time before the crazy monster lady with glowing eyes and sharp teeth strikes again.

Watch your step, critters…

--Jen
P.S. Rumor’s that she’s tried this extermination thing with her kids’ friends too. Hold them close, people. Hold them close.

June 5: Apostrophe abuse

It's not just me, okay?

I ran across a great blog today. I do not yet know the author, but I love him and/or her. I do. Check out Apostrophe Abuse. On this fine site there was also a list of related links; one of them led me to the National Punctuation Day web site. It's a good'n, except for the picture of a guy (the founder!) on the front page with very hairy shoulders. I mean, geez! Even perfect apostrophe usage can't make up for a lack of much-needed sleeves.

Another link I found was to the "blog" of "unnecessary" quotation marks. Although unnecessary quoting doesn't bother me nearly as much as other bad punctuation does, it probably will now. Other people's annoyances very easily become my own.

Join me in my punctuation snobbery, won't you? Please? I feel a little lonely sometimes.

--Jen
P.S. My goodness, I am a bitchy wench. Proof: two of my earlier punctuation-related rants can be found at Bite Me, Jackass (follow the "Best Idea Ever" link) and A Word to the Unwise.

Apr. 23: You can't argue with science

Huge thanks to Erin for forwarding this very valuable information to me today.

It has been scientifically proven that if we drink one liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than one kilo of Escherichia coli (E. coli) bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming one kilo of poo. However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine (or rum, whiskey, beer or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

WATER = POO
WINE = HEALTH

Ergo: It is better to drink wine and talk stupid than to drink water and be full of crap.

Just passing the news along. You're welcome.

--Jen

Mar. 30: A word to the unwise

These are just a few of the things that have been making me crazy.

1. “It’s” and “its.” If you’re using i-t-s as “it is,” use an apostrophe. For example, “It’s so pleasant to sleep with the window open at night.” If you’re using it as a possessive, there is no apostrophe, as in, “The problem with that frog in our backyard is that its constant croaking is going to make me kill it.”
   
2. This one also involves the use of apostrophes. What makes people think they need to use apostrophes for plurals? Why do they do that to me? “We took the kid’s to the pet store to fit them for collar’s and leash’s.” NOOOOOOO! That’s so incorrect! ‘A-member, the apostrophes are to be used when referring to something that belongs to someone (except in the case of “its,” of course) or as a contraction. Don’t make me hit you, mmkay?
   
3. This one is the “and I” vs. “and me” thing, and has come up around our house quite a bit lately because Katie’s been learning what’s correct when. Here’s how I learned it: if you were talking about yourself and would say “I,” then if you’re talking about yourself and someone else, you say, “and I.” Here’s an example: “I bought leg warmers for Kathy,” and “Lori and I bought leg warmers for Kathy.” But if you would use “me” then you don’t say “and I.” “Sheila loaned me her ‘Xanadu’ soundtrack for my road trip.” “Sheila loaned me and Kathy her ‘Xanadu’ soundtrack for our road trip.” It’s not “Sheila loaned Kathy and I her soundtrack.” See the difference? Now you’ll never make the mistake again, right?
   
4. Jack jumping on the bed while I’m taking a nap. But that's a whole 'nother post
   
5. High shipping rates for online orders. But that’s a whole ‘nother 'NOTHER post.
   

And hey, don't blame ME for the inconsistent grammar usage rules of our English language. I love you, I really do. But I'll love you more if you change.

--Jen

Mar. 21: Party smart

Don't you hate when you go to a party and end up sitting next to someone who is incredibly offensive? Like they make cracks about your old age when you are clearly 30+ years younger than they are ... or they have T.Rex breath ... or they keep drawing attention to themselves with loud "witty" comments ... or they sit by you ...

Don't let it happen again! A wise man I know once said, "Sometimes you have to take some time at the beginning of the party just finding out who the dicks are."

Even though he ended the sentence with a preposition, he is still very wise. Really. That's what he reminds me when he sits next to me at parties, anyway.

I'm here to help. --J.

Jan. 18: The movies are wrong

Today's web site is How to Safely Swim with Piranhas. Apparently it is possible to swim with the little buggers without being devoured. Why anyone would want to do this, I do not know. Of course, I don't get why people have pet tarantulas, either. Or defy their mothers-in-law.

My favorite part is this little nugget, which might just be the definition of "irony":

Piranhas are said to be delicious and are a popular food in some areas where they are found.

Go ahead, I dare ya.

--Jen