Sep. 9: Mom loved you more!

How to tell you weren't your mother's favorite:


(I'm sure there was no underlying message whatsoever in sharing this with me, Kath.)

—Jen

Sep. 9: Talented canines

We have two dogs, Scout and Casey. Scout is very smart and knows a lot of tricks. She occasionally performs them. The things at which she is most talented:

• Sitting
  
• Staying
  
• Rolling over
  
• Barking incessantly at visitors
  
• Completely ignoring me
  
• Remembering that Grandma Mary is the treat queen

Casey is not as much of a show-off and has slowly revealed her talents over the two years she's been with us. She can:

• Sit
  
• Beg
  
• Roll over
  
• Bark incessantly at a noise three blocks away
  
• Act ferocious to dogs six times her size
  
• Be unnecessarily mean to Scout
  
• Stick to me like glue

I love our dogs. They can be a pain in the arse sometimes, but they're also great companions for us, and they're really good with the kids. But they cannot speak English, like these dogs can:


And they're not quite as insane (or hilarious) as this one:


And yet, we love them anyway.

—Jen

Sep. 7: Other blogs

This morning I was messing around on blogger and found a link to Overheard Lines, another blogspot blog. Blogs are fun to read. Blog blog blog blog blog blog blog.

Another good one is Overheard in the Office, which has several sister sites that are hilarious as well. In fact, there are "overheard in..." sites all over the place. You can look them for your own damn self. But here are a few things I couldn't leave for you to find on your own.

Cashier: In 20 minutes I can go home... Go home and play some video games.
Middle-aged lady customer: Yay!
Cashier: Either that or drink.
Middle-aged lady customer: Why not both?
Cashier: Well, then my mom will yell at me in the morning.


Manager on phone to client: Yeah, that's like someone watching me take a shower, and after two kids, no one wants to see that.


Employee #1: Do you know what the problem is with rice cakes?
Employee #2: What?
Employee #1: There's no meat in them.


Woman (to friend): "Why'd you tell Grandma I'm wearing her underwear?!"


Friend: "So what kind of music do you listen to?"
Girl: "Oh, I listen to stuff no one's ever heard of!"
Friend: "Hmmm, so where do you buy it?"
Girl: "I buy it from amazon.com."


Owner Of Haight Street Bookstore: "We don't allow cell phones here. We have this policy because cell phones make people's heads explode. And then the police would close us down as a crime scene."


Woman inside an apartment: "I didn't eat any candy today, baby! ...Well, I did have a doughnut. But that's because I was out of milk for my cereal."


Large white woman speaking to her small Mexican husband: "I'm bleeding."
(Pokes at her husband who ignores her.)
"Heyyy, I'm bleeding from my neck. Don't you care?"
(Husband puts headphones on and looks out the window.)
"I wish I knew you didn't speak English before I married you!"


Employee 1: "Why'd you throw that out? It's recyclable."
Employee 2: "I can never remember what's recyclable."
Employee 1: "Anything that tears" goes in the recycling bin, remember?"
Employee 2: "Yeah, yeah."
Employee 1: "So when I rip you a new one for not recycling, that can go in there too."


Guy Working In Old Navy Marketing Department (And Let's Hope He Was Talking About Pants): "I really have a hard time with girl's bottoms."


Concerned passerby: Dude... Are you okay?
Concerned drunk: I appreciate your concern, but you're standing in my puke.


Hippie Mom To Daughter Checking Out The Money At The Bottom Of A Fountain: "Honey, leave other people's wishes be!"


Woman Exiting Theater (And Entering Rehab): "It's hard to concentrate on a play when you're loaded on wine."

—Jen

Sep. 6: Some enchanted evening

Tonight my mom and I met Cindy and Erin at California Pizza Kitchen for a few hours of gossip and chat. I could not have asked for a lovelier evening. I feel sad for the people that weren't invited because it probably sucks to be you.

For lurking Erin, here's a silly pug link. I love you bunches, sweet girl, even if you never comment.

Also, biggest and best birthday wishes to Kim (Felkley) Nelson!

—Jen

Sep. 3: Are you there, God?

This isn't quite as fun as iGod, but it's good for some laughs. Check out the archives at Questions for God. Click the question boxes to see answers other readers have submitted.

—Jen

Sep. 3: Laboring on Labor Day

Victor's working a regular shift today. While most everyone else is enjoying their long weekend, it's just like a normal Monday to us. Bleah.

And to make matters worse, after today I can't wear white until, like, sometime next spring. Could this day suck any more?

—Jen

Sep. 2: Wink Martindale for hire!

Are you planning a party or otherwise in need of a motivational speaker? Did you know you can hire celebrity talent for your event? Some of the fees seem a little high given the "fame" of these people. But, y'know, I'm nothing if not generous, and always here to help by presenting all your options. Check out the available speakers here.

—Jen

Sep. 2: Don't hog the dumb

Every once in a while this guy has a really great comic.

toothpastefordinner.com

—Jen

Sep. 2: Beautiful Kathleen

My seester has an admirer. He thinks she's beautiful and goes into a trance when he talks about her. He also walks with a white cane but I don't think that has anything to do with how beautiful he thinks she is.

This morning I read an article about hot dogs and it made me think of Kathy because she hates hot dogs. It has something to do with National Geographic. I think you probably don't want to know. Anyway, for the benefit of hot dog haters, I offer this list of suggestions people have given on Yahoo! Answers to make hot dogs taste better (spelling and grammar errors are NOT mine!).

• Take a hot dog, slice halfway through lengthwise, put cheddar cheese in the slit, wrap with a corn tortilla and fry in oil. Dip in ketchup or mustard. Tortilla turns crunchy, pretty darn tooten good.
  
  
• Slice hotdog into round pieces, approximately a quarter an inch thick. In a frying pan, saute onions. When the onions are halfway done, add the hotdog pieces. Voila! Gourmet hotdog.
  
  
• Grate some cheese and onion mix it with mayo so its like paste, warm it up and put it on top, it's delicious!
  
  
• Use a little hot sauce, sour cream and chopped onions. Toast the bun, I know, sounds gross, but it's really good.
  
  
• I like the hot dogs that are put in a crock pot in a bed of sauerkraut. Wrap that dog up in a crescent roll stuffed with cheddar cheese. Mmm, so good.
  
  
• mayo!!!!!!!!!! cheese stix!!!!!!! always Onions!!!!!!!!!!
  
  
• Soak them in liquid smoke and grill them in the oven on the rack that's some good eating
  
  
• The method of cooking the hot dog is what determines the final taste and texture of the hot dog, I have tried several ways, grilling, frying in a pan, boiling, but the best method and provided the best taste is by electrocution
  
  
• Slit it down the middle, fill it full of mashed potatoes, lay strips of cheese across entire dog and top with tomato sauce. It's called a stuffed frank
  
  
• Try a Sonoran Dog. Basic ingredients: Take one extra large hot dog bun, place pinto beans and diced onions at the bottom. Then place your cooked hotdog which you wrap in bacon on top of that. Then you place mayonnaise and mustard on top, along with salsa verde, salsa and pico de gallo. Throw a few grilled green onions on the side with a beer, and that's it. Dogs up!
  
  
• Boil them in beer

You're welcome, Kath. And I think you're beautiful too.

—Jen

Sep. 1: Call me Cinder-jen

Well, our house has been cluttered and embarrassingly messy for such a long time now that it was time to do one of the following:

1. Set fire to the house
   
2. Sell house "as is" for about 12 cents
   
3. Continue living this way until we are found dead in our home in 50 years, but they have to follow the smell because no one can find us among of all the piles of magazines, newspaper, and folded laundry, and we're dead a few months before the neighbors even notice because it's not unusual for us to have a month's worth of newspapers on the front porch and then our house will be on the news with all our relatives complaining that all we left them in our will is a big to-do list
   
4. Clean

My back is killing me because I chose #4. I decided it was the least illegal and/or embarrassing.

I want to point out that this is not just the normal picking-up kind of cleaning. This is the move-furniture-vacuum-repeatedly-go-through-every-drawer-and-cabinet-and-storage-box-and-closet-fill-the-garbage-can-12-times-with-the-receipts-Vic-never-seems-to-throw-away kind of cleaning. That kind.

I keep a lot of things I probably don't need. They end up in Rubbermaid boxes in the attic and every few years I shred a LOT of paper. But I married someone that's way worse than I am about keeping stuff. Exhibit 238: I found Vic's 1991 Ohio state tax forms in his nightstand drawer. I mean, you never know when you need to look at your taxes from 16 years ago (when you made no money), so it's a good idea to keep them handy in your nightstand.

Vic isn't even embarrassed! Mostly he just likes to say, "Jen got into my drawers for my junk." (Mom, if you don't read that sentence, it's okay with me.)

So far I've done Katie's and Jack's bedrooms, our vanity and bathroom and the master bedroom. And the best part is that I haven't messed up other rooms getting them clean; I'm putting things away as I go. The most time-consuming task is sorting the kids' clothes for donation and hand-me-downs. The other thing I don't like is arguing with Katie over things to throw away and keep. She is sooo like I was about hanging onto meaningless things. I try to remember how it felt and just hope that eventually she'll be able to throw things away on her own.

After a long day of backbreaking work, I collapsed in front of the TV tonight and, finding nothing on TiVo for me, flipped channels until I came to The Sound of Music. And now I want a ballroom in my house, just like the one in the movie but with fewer Nazis. In fact, I've decided I simply cannot live without a ballroom. I'd keep it clean, I promise.

—Jen