Oct. 30: Note all of dad!

Our new principal is big on translating all the flyers we send home and wants to hire people to make them in a bunch of different languages. Before we do that, I thought I’d try my own translations using Google Translate to see how well it would interpret the PTO’s latest flyer. Here’s the English version:

Attention all dads!
The PTO invites you to a special event that’s just for you! Bring your kids to school early on Thursday and enjoy complimentary donuts, coffee, and milk in the cafeteria.

Dad not available? No problem! Kids can bring a grandpa, uncle, neighbor or their best friend’s dad.
Remember to use the cafeteria doors to enter the building, not the front doors. Follow the signs (or the smell of delicious, fresh donuts!).
Please park on the street or in the gated lot rather than the regular parking lot to save spaces for teachers arriving for work!
You can walk your students to their classrooms at 8:20.

Pretty straightforward, right? I translated it to Vietnamese and then back to English and here’s what it did:

Note all of dad!
Oregon Trail PTO invites you to a special event just for you! Take children to school early on Thursday and enjoy free donuts, coffee, and milk in the cafeteria service.
Cha is not available? No problem! Children may bring a neighbor of his grandfather, uncle, or father of their best friends.
Remember to use the coffee shop to the building, not the front door. Follow the signs (or smells delicious, fresh donuts).
Please park on the street or in lots, not gated parking lot frequently to save space for teachers to work!
You can walk your students to their classes at 8:20.

I love the thing about bringing a neighbor of your grandfather. Here it is translated into Russian and back to English:

Attention all Dads!
Oregon Trail PTO invites you to a special event, this is just for you! Take the kids to school early on Thursday and enjoy free donuts, coffee and milk in the cafeteria.
The Pope is not available? No problem! Children may bring a grandfather, uncle, neighbor or their best friend's dad.
Do not forget to use the dining room door to enter the building, rather than the front door. Follow the signs (or the smell of delicious, fresh donuts!).
Please park on the street or in a private lot, and not a regular parking space to save the teachers who came to work!
You can walk your students in class at 8:20.

I think you can guess what my favorite part of that translation is. Here it is in Spanish and back:

Attention all parents!
The Oregon Trail PTO invites you to a special event just for you! Bring your children to school on Thursday and enjoy complimentary donuts, coffee and milk in the cafeteria.
Dad is not available? No problem! Children can take a neighbor's grandfather, uncle or father of his best friend.
Remember to use the cafeteria doors to enter the building, not the front doors. Follow the signs (or the delicious smell of fresh donuts!).
Please park on the street or parking lot closed instead of normally to save spaces for teachers who go to work!
You can walk students to their classrooms at 8:20.

Google Translate seems to have its worst trouble with relationships. Yes, please bring your neighbor’s grandpa to Donuts with Dad!

English, Vietnamese, Russian, and Spanish are the most common languages spoken by our school families, so I could have stopped there, but I didn’t because this is just so much fun! Here it is translated into Chinese and back:

Note that all of my father!
俄勒冈特雷尔 PTO invites you to a special event, just for you! Bring your children to school as early as Thursday, and enjoy free donuts, coffee, milk in the cafeteria.
Dad does not? No problem! Children can be a grandfather, uncle, neighbor or their best friend's father.
Remember, use the canteen door into the building, the front door. Follow the signs (or delicious, fresh taste of donuts!)
Please park on the street or in a gated lot, rather than the regular parking lot to reach the work of teachers, to save space!
You can take your students in a classroom, at 8:20.

Children can be grandfathers? OK!

This one’s the translation to Latin and back. It’s way weirder than it seems like it should be:

Welcome to all dads!
Welcome to School Board in a special way that calls you, is for you? Click images to enjoy a school morning honorably donuts, coffee, and milk of the CAFETERIA.
Tata not available? No problem! Disease can make grandpa, uncle, dad or best friend is a friend.
We CAFETERIA threshold of the house, not before the door. Follow the signs (the smell of fresh donuts or iPod).
We are a more a list in the park itself is fully backward compatible gated teachers came to use this position your work?
We walk in their classrooms at 8:20 thy disciples.

Here’s the Azerbaijani translation, which sounds suspiciously Yoda-like.

Attention all dads!
The Oregon Trail, a special event for you to PTO! Bring the kids to school early on Thursday and free donuts, coffee and milk have a cafeteria.
Dad does not exist? No problem! Children of a father, uncle, neighbor or their best friend's dad can bring.
The building is, but be sure to use the front door to the cafeteria door. Signs (or delicious, fresh donuts and smell), please.
Gated the street or next to a lot more work for teachers to keep in regular parking spaces, please park!
8:20 You can walk in their class for the students.

This is more fun than a PTO co-president should be allowed to have. I could go on and on. I shall stop now.

Oct. 26: Indulge a proud mom, will ya?

In sixth grade, Katie gets actual letter grades instead of the pluses and checks of elementary school. Her first report card came today and finally, all that effort teaching her her ABC’s a few years ago seems worthwhile.

I’m especially pleased to see her math grade, since there’s a weird trait that runs in my side of the family in which we get 11 and 12 confused all the time. True story.

Oct. 21: That. Is. It.

This week just about did me in. I’m so glad it’s over.

Jogathon is also over (hallelujah!), and it appears that we’re a bit short of our fundraising goal (boo!), but there’s still time for that to change. I kinda lived at the school all week, and that’d be fine if I was getting paid for what I did there. I love the things I do for the school, but it all beats the hell out of me sometimes.

I could tell I was reaching my limit as I sat through a grant writing workshop for educators last night. The facilitator proceeded to read, word-for-word, thirteen pages of the handout. Hel-LO? I can read. If I couldn’t read, I wouldn’t have known there was going to be a workshop. If I had known I was going to be read to at the workshop, I would have saved those 90 minutes and bought a book instead. I HATE being read to in an educational environment. If someone’s up front, I better damn well get something more than what’s printed on the pages in front of me. Grrrr.

The fact that this irritated me so much was the first sign that I had reached my limit for the week. The fact that the workshop was free and I was still pissy about it, made it clear: Jen needed a time-out. The fact that I didn’t win any of the stupid door prizes had nothing to do with my pissy-ness. Well, maybe a little. I like winning shit.

When I got home, I started to download the new iPhone software. Ever since, my computer and/or my phone have been disabled while it all recalibrates. Thankfully, one of them has worked when the other hasn’t, but it’s still frustrating. Either I can’t make calls and send text messages, or I can’t read and write emails. My laptop is running running running, and I think it’s going to burst into flames just to spite me. That’s what technology does. Right now it’s working on my fourth and final attempt to sync my iTunes library to my phone. If it doesn’t work this time, I’m goin’ all Amish on yer ass, in which case I’ll have to write my blog posts out on paper and mail them to you and you KNOW that’s never gonna happen.

The weekend has arrived, and just in time. I plan to savor every moment until I’m due back at the school Monday morning.

Oct. 15: Same old, same old. Also, I’m old.

I’ve been totally, completely swamped with PTO beez-ness lately. Our Jogathon is Monday and if my kid didn’t ask you to pledge him, it’s because I wouldn’t let him. We all have our own kids doing their own fundraising, right? If you’re feeling generous, though, it’s not too late. The top fundraiser in the school gets the field named after them for an entire year. I think that might just be the coolest prize we’ve ever offered. Suck it, Autzen Stadium. You done been overshadowed by a little elementary school in ClackamASS.

(I kinda love that my boy thinks he has a chance at having a sign hanging on the school fence welcoming his classmates to Jack Manullang Field. Delusions.)

One of the tasks I assigned myself for Jogathon was creating a playlist to blast across the field all day. This was a much harder task than I first thought; as I went through my iTunes library, I discovered that I listen to a LOT of really inappropriate music. I guess my mom was right way back when. Hm.

Here’s something I just found out, though, that’s going to make sound super-old. The song “Pumped Up Kicks,” by Foster the People is horrible. Know why? Here are the lyrics:

Robert’s got a quick hand.
He’ll look around the room, he won’t tell you his plan.
He’s got a rolled cigarette, hanging out his mouth he’s a cowboy kid.
Yeah he found a six shooter gun.
In his dads closet hidden in a box of fun things, and I don’t even know what.
But he’s coming for you, yeah he’s coming for you.

[Chorus]
“All the other kids with the pumped up kicks
You better run, better run, outrun my gun…”
“All the other kids with the pumped up kicks,
You better run, better run, faster than my bullet.”
“All the other kids with the pumped up kicks
You better run, better run, outrun my gun…”
“All the other kids with the pumped up kicks,
You better run, better run, faster than my bullet.”

[Verse Two]
Daddy works a long day.
He be coming home late, yeah he’s coming home late.
And he’s bringing me a surprise.
‘Cause dinner’s in the kitchen and it’s packed in ice.
I’ve waited for a long time.
Yeah the sleight of hand is now a quick pull trigger,
I reason with my cigarette,
And say your hair’s on fire, you must have lost your wits, yeah.

[Chorus]

WTF? This is a totally catchy song that’s getting a lot of radio play, and most of us didn’t even realize what it was about until someone pointed it out. I’m a little bit horrified. My iTunes library has vulgarity and George Michael, but that’s about the worst thing you’ll find there.

I’m afraid if I go on anymore about this, you’ll start sending me nursing home brochures like they did to that guy in Up. I shall cease.

Oct. 10: Images

I will introduce this post with the following image, which explains the source of this post and also why I have few words to share today.

 

This next one’s for my dear friend Dina, whom I adore even though that is totally her in that picture.

And finally, my favorite one of the bunch:

Have a great week! Smell ya later.

Oct. 9: Like the (cobwebby) corners of my mind

I got to see two of my best girls, Debi and Deanna, yesterday! We didn’t have a ton of time together, but we got a little bit caught up and had a lovely visit. They brought their daughters (both five years old) with them, and were planning to spend the rest of the day driving around town to show them where they grew up, went to school, all that. It got me reminiscing, and that got me Googling memories.

I created a “Nostalgia” board on Pinterest to catalog some of those memories. It has things from way-way back, to things that are from not-so-far back. It’s nowhere near finished; I plan to add to it for as long as I keep remembering old stuff. This is, for me, what Pinterest is really about.

(OK, I also find lots of hilarious things that I send to friends. I guess Pinterest is a little about silly stuff too.)

Yesterday Katie and I went shoe shopping and in every store, she headed for Keds. It made me want to weep. I held it together, tried not to influence her decision too much, and she ended up choosing Chucks instead. Tis OK. Tis enough time to choose Keds later. Tis my girl. Tis inevitable.

I love that things come back, like fashion. Some fashion, that is. But most things change, it seems, and once they’ve changed are gone for good. Jack asked if I used to get in trouble for texting during class. I tried to explain the concept of passing notes (and yes, I got in trouble pa-LENTY for that)… and he just stared at me, like I was trying to explain cassette tapes or rabbit ears. Futility, that.

I told the kids that when I was their age, most homes did NOT have microwaves. They didn’t believe me. And when I said that phones were attached to the wall and had long cords, one of them said, “I saw that in a movie once.” (We’ll save the rotary and pay phone schoolin’ for another day.) Air conditioning in cars was a luxury. There were no Happy Meals. The mall was closed on Sundays. Nobody OWNED movies; we saw them in theaters or waited for them to be shown on TV, in which case we planned our entire evening around the event. Maps, phone books, dictionaries, newspapers… they were vital.

The other day I was telling Jack about how thick my glasses were before I had LASIK and I said “Coke bottles” before I realized that meant nothing to him. Kids today know not of glass pop bottles.

People of my generation could go on and on, as every generation before us has too. Once upon a time I giggled at the idea of outhouses... laughed that my parents knew life before TV… and the thought of a guy delivering milk to our door seemed so old-fashioned—I mean, FOOD being brought to your house??? Crazy!

My mom’s laughing her head off as she reads this, I’m pretty sure. She loves that my kids make me feel like an oldster—it’s payback, to her. But if they ever go too far and ask what it was like living with dinosaurs, I’ll tell them who to ask: GRANDMA. GRANDMA KNOWS.

Oct. 6: Thanks, Steve

Like many, I was surprised and saddened by yesterday’s announcement that Steve Jobs has died. Our home has three iPhones, an iPod, and an iPad (which, given the Apple products available, is not much, I know…) so our gratitude for Mr. Jobs’ vision is acknowledged on a daily basis, without a doubt.

But it’s his work with building Pixar to the giant that it is that’s really impacted our family. Our kids have been raised on Pixar films. We saw the true value of DVD over VHS by comparing the two formats of A Bug’s Life. The first movie Katie watched from her high chair for more than ten minutes was Toy Story 2. Victor and I saw Monsters, Inc. in a theater the night before Jack was born. The first Mom-and-Katie theater experience was a Portland premiere of Finding Nemo. We still regularly watch Pixar DVDs at home.

Before we went to Florida in 2004, I bought Jack small plush Buzz and Woody dolls to entertain him during the flight. Vic and I sat several rows behind him and Grandpa in the plane, and we laughed as we watched him hold Buzz and Woody high over his head and made them kiss, over and over.

Monsters, Inc. Mike & Sulley to the Rescue!, an attraction at Disney California Adventure Park, opened just before one of our all-Disney-all-the-time vacations, and Jack insisted on riding it over and over—he’d get off the ride and run to get in line to go on it again. Vic and I had few complaints; it’s a very cute ride—much like actually being in the movie—and we loved seeing Jack enjoy it so much.

Theater releases of the newest Pixar movies are treasured family memories. I expect they will be until Pixar makes a real dud, or our kids get too cool to enjoy them, in which case Vic and I will go see them by ourselves, like we did before they were born. BECAUSE WE ARE THOSE DORKS.

Thanks, Steve, for sharing your genius with the world. You left it way too soon.

Oct. 2: Going into hiding

I watched last night’s episode of Saturday Night Live and thought the “taste test” sketch, in which host Melissa McCarthy chugged salad dressing, was pretty funny until I realized that her gross, ugly hair in this sketch looks EXACTLY like mine looks every day and now I’m not leaving the house for at least a year.

FML.