Jan. 15: Professions I wish I had

Jen E posted a list this morning that got the wheels turning in my bloggin’ noggin. Here goes my version (and I promise never to use the phrase “bloggin’ noggin” again; that was really terrible and I am very, very sorry):

Professions I Wish I Had

Event Planner. I love, love, LOVE all the planning that goes into parties, weddings, travel, and holidays, but I much prefer to be paid for it.

Artist. But-cept I can’t draw and I get tired of art projects before they’re done.

Fertility Counselor. I have no background or experience helping people who are infertile, but there are lots of people out there who have no business being parents. I am perfectly willing to be the person who tells them that. Then I want them sterilized. And fitted for a Cone of Shame.

Fashion Cop. I don’t want to do the awards shows, necessarily, or even the “What Were They Thinking?” pages of celebrity magazines. I’d be perfectly happy arresting the people at the mall. Exceptions would be made for women who have thrown on yoga pants, a baggy sweatshirt, and fake Uggs to run errands—those women are well aware of how horrible they look and just hoping no one sees them. (Ahem.) It’s the people who got dressed using pictures of Justin Bieber and/or Ke$ha as a guide; those people should be arrested, according to Jen’s Book of Fashion Laws. (It’s not so much a book as a pamphlet. Really more of a paragraph.)

Supreme Court Justice. Duh. In fact, I can think of several friends who should serve on the Supreme Court with me: Loveliest Lori, Val, Dina, Larry, Laura LL, Jack S, Tracey, and Mike D. That’s nine! Don’t worry; if any of them are unfit to serve (never!), my list of alternates is crazy-long. I have many Supreme Court Justice-worthy friends.

Asshole Detector. Society could really benefit if someone would just let me hang big neon warning signs on assholes.

Flight Attendant. I’m always super-nice to flight attendants because I think they are secretly willing and able to decide the evacuation order of a plane afire. I would like to be at the front of that line, if it’s not too much trouble. So, if I were a flight attendant, I would make sure everyone on the plane was convinced that I had that power. Fun times.

Cat Lady. Not a Crazy Cat Lady. And I’d have dogs too. Well, one dog. Maybe two, if they’re not Lucy-huge. But I do love the kitties, and I could easily adopt six or twenty if given the chance. I would totally hire a professional litter box emptier though, because YUCK.

Billionaire. Seriously, I would be soooo good at being a billionaire. Gimme a chance and I’ll prove it.

What professions do you wish you had? You know you want to share. I promise I won’t judge.

P.S. I will totally judge.