Jun. 29: Diana at 50? Really?

Is anyone else horrified that a respectable (?) news magazine would publish an issue with this Photoshopped cover?

The article is somewhat interesting; who hasn’t thought about what Diana would be doing were she still alive? I like to think she and Kate would be BFF’s, but mostly that Diana would be HAPPY. The strangest part of the article was suggesting she and Charles would be confidantes. Yeah, um, I doubt that very much.

But the cover photo is what really creeped me out, and not a little bit. I would guess that it’s intentionally not a very good Photoshop job—it is so obviously not Diana’s body, her head is proportionately small next to Kate’s, etc. This inside photo was in poor taste, too:

Oh, so today’s Diana would have a few wrinkles and an iPhone? Gotcha.

The whole idea is just weird and, in my opinion, has an awfully high creep factor. Is Newsweek that desperate to sell their magazine? If I didn’t read all my news on the Internet, I’d totally cancel my subscription right now.

Whatever, Newsweek. I, for one, do not approve.

Sep. 7: Big love, indeed

This is a reality show I will watch (the first episode, anyway). It’s so bad and wrong and weird and hard to believe these are real people. Freaks, yes, but real people. Yikes.

Aug. 5: Creation of a freak

You’ve seen the singing sisters on the Lawrence Welk sketches on Saturday Night Live, right? If you haven’t, take a minute and watch this:

The other night we were all watching the videos of Junice (we think that’s her name, anyway) and roaring at her tiny, tiny hands and overall odd behavior. Such fun! Presley—Daryl & Sally’s daughter—started jumping around pretending to pop bubbles, and she was as entertaining as the creepy SNL character. Scary and hilarious. Scalarious.

In anticipation of seeing Presley this evening, the kids and I made a special little surprise for her. First, we bought a fancy dollar store doll.

We chose this particular one because it had a wonky eye. When we went to take a picture of the wonky eye, I accidentally poked it and turned it inside out. Hard to believe this doll could get any creepier, but TA-DAAAA! She just did.

Katie noticed that her butt had some gnarly lookin’ stuff inside. I’m sure it was just put in there to weigh her down and help her sit better, but OMG, it looked so nasty. More on that below…

Surgery began. We got out a scalpel (cheap scissors) and were done in two good chops.

Not gross. Nope.

 

Not grosser. Nope.

The chopsticks (another expensive item) would become this doll’s new arms.

Jack pulled out the guts.

We jabbed the end of each chopstick into her wrist.

Our very own tiny handed bubble popper!

Back to the doll, I had to peek at exactly what was inside her arse.

A close-up didn’t help me identify the matter. Whatever it was, I don’t think it belongs in a toy. Not one sold in the U.S., anyway.

The finished product: two hands! I wasn’t about to get rid of the feet, though. Presley would figure out something fun to do with them, I’m sure.

Here’s Jack, trying out the freaky baby hands. Pure awesomeness, right?

We gave these to Presley tonight and she used them throughout dinner. She used them to pass us things, scratch her mom’s back, pick her nose, rest her chin… she thought of almost everything. Too bad we didn’t have bubbles; we could’ve entertained our fellow diners at Claim Jumper. Next time.

May 27: Shivers

This morning I ran across an article entitled 5 Loveable Animals You Didn’t Know Are Secretly Terrifying. The whole piece is pretty good/creepy/terrifying, but the caption for this photo of a mostly hairless spectacled bear made me LOL:

“It’s like they’ve taken everything you’ve ever done wrong in your life and built an animal out of it to punish you.”

Yep, I dare you to try to get that image out of your noggin and go on ahead with your day.

Apr. 16: Cirque nightmares

UPDATE: The tickets have been taken.

 Cirque Dreams Illumination is coming to Portland. We have tickets for the show on Thursday, May 27, which were part of our subscription for the season, and we’re not going to use them. Why not? Here’s why not:

That’s not cool or amazing or impressive or any other nice adjectives. That’s gross. That’s creepy and weird and disgusting and did I mention creepy? Icky. Icky icky icky.

Here’s a promo video for the show, which—I’ll warn you—has more of that guy above doing what he apparently does best, which is super frightening unless you like that kind of thing, in which case OMG YOU ARE SUCH A FREAK!

 

We’re selling our tickets at face value—you can have them both for just $22.50. Our seats are on the orchestra level, section E, right on the aisle. Here’s the layout of the auditorium:

These tickets would be $94.20 if you went through Ticketmaster. Let me know if you’re interested in our cheap ones. I won’t judge you for liking quadruple-jointed circus acts. OK, maybe I will. But I’ll try to be quiet about it to your face. And if I can’t, then I’ll try not to blog about you and your disturbing fascination with this freak show.

UPDATE: The tickets have been taken.

Apr. 2: Happy Easter video

Maybe it’s because I’m so tired that I find this video so funny, or maybe it’s because I like when puppets abuse other puppets. I don’t know. But I know that Katie did not find this at all enjoyable, and watched the whole thing with a sneer before asking, “Why did he have to eat the bunnies?”

That’s my tender-hearted girl.

Mar. 9: I wanna be super

Do the current Old Navy commercials drive you insane? I think they’re kinda creepy, especially now that they’re putting real people in with the mannequin types. If they add clowns into the mix I’m going to have to boycott the store.

If you go to I Wanna Be Super you can create yourself as one of those weird supermodelquins. Here’s the one I made of myself, wearing the awesome hat/hair Fancy Lori™ knitted for me:

I cheated and gave myself eyebrows. And I chose the cafe background because it reminds me of that restaurant that’s in the background of just about every outdoor shot on Seinfeld. You can publish your supermodelquin on Facebook with the links Old Navy provides at the end of the “Supermold Me!” process.

Oct. 23: Big red freak

The book fair at our school starts next week. If you haven’t volunteered for at least one shift of cash register duty, why not? I don’t care if you’re not affiliated with the school—that’s how many blanks I have in the volunteer schedule right now. Just get your arse in here and work. Thanks.

Clifford (as in The Big Red Dog, as in the thing in the photo on the right, dummy) was making rounds this morning to get kids excited about the book fair. It did not get me excited about the book fair. I’m not a fan of people in mascot-like costumes—although I do love watching a good mascot fight; I think that might be one of my favorite things, like, EVER. Otherwise, people in full-body costumes creep me out. Even Mickey Mouse is a little sketchy, and you know I loves me some Mickey Mouse. The anonymity is mostly what’s so weird about it, like did you know that the person inside the Mickey Mouse costume is usually a female? While that certainly doesn’t bother me in theory, it goes right along with that things-are-not-what-they-seem factor that gives me the willies. Not being able to see the person’s face, of course, means that I don’t know if he or she is smiling or frowning or crying or whatever; I don’t know why, but I assume he or she is being a giant passive-aggressive asshole and making mean faces at me. Also, you know those costumes have got to be so hot and uncomfortable, and what kind of skank would voluntarily climb into a sweaty, smelly, furry suit? Do I want that person close enough to me to pose for a picture? I don’t think so.

Clearly, I’ve got issues with mascots.

The librarian—we’ll call her Emily Elizabeth—was on double-duty this morning; she escorted Clifford to each classroom AND pooper-scooped. Clifford is a BIG dog, remember; he can leave a real wake behind him. I’m guessing she was also on the lookout for excessive leg-humping—that would explain the rolled up newspaper she was carrying.

After their school tour was done, I saw the librarian carrying a large box that said “Clifford costume.” That was my first clue that the person inside wasn’t a book fair rep. The second was when she whispered to me, “Oh yeah, he’s having a great time in there.” And then I remembered that a few minutes before I saw Clifford, I saw the principal talking to the librarian. Could it have been him inside that costume? If so, I’d like to take back that skank comment, and probably should say I didn’t mean the leg-humping one either.

Aug. 28: Annoying ads

I've not been complaining enough lately. Therein lies the lame excuse for this morning's post.

There's a mortgage company advertisement I regularly see on my Yahoo! mail page, news sites, and a number of other sites. I hate it and I think it might make me insane(r). Sometimes it's an alien dancing around, sometimes a guy in a trenchcoat, sometimes a wizard. I didn't realize that it's possible to do a bad impression of Napoleon Dynamite. Apparently I was wrong. If you don't know the ad I'm referring to, you're lucky. Look around the main page at KGW you'll probably see it.

The "angus" Jack in the Box commercials make me mad because I just don't get them. What the hell is so funny?

I hate the Burger King ad when the guy looks in his rear view mirror and sees the plastic king in his back seat. All I can say is, "oops, I crapped my pants." I think that plastic guy is the creepiest thing I've seen in a long time, but that particular commercial is, hands-down, the worst.

That's enough for today. I now return you to my normally positive, uplifting, praiseworthy posts.

—Jen


One more thing... I can't resist including a link to another Letterman Top Ten List, this one a video performance of Napoleon Dynamite.