Oct. 23: Big red freak

clifford The book fair at our school starts next week. If you haven’t volunteered for at least one shift of cash register duty, why not? I don’t care if you’re not affiliated with the school—that’s how many blanks I have in the volunteer schedule right now. Just get your arse in here and work. Thanks.

Clifford (as in The Big Red Dog, as in the thing in the photo on the right, dummy) was making rounds this morning to get kids excited about the book fair. It did not get me excited about the book fair. I’m not a fan of people in mascot-like costumes—although I do love watching a good mascot fight; I think that might be one of my favorite things, like, EVER. Otherwise, people in full-body costumes creep me out. Even Mickey Mouse is a little sketchy, and you know I loves me some Mickey Mouse. The anonymity is mostly what’s so weird about it, like did you know that the person inside the Mickey Mouse costume is usually a female? While that certainly doesn’t bother me in theory, it goes right along with that things-are-not-what-they-seem factor that gives me the willies. Not being able to see the person’s face, of course, means that I don’t know if he or she is smiling or frowning or crying or whatever; I don’t know why, but I assume he or she is being a giant passive-aggressive asshole and making mean faces at me. Also, you know those costumes have got to be so hot and uncomfortable, and what kind of skank would voluntarily climb into a sweaty, smelly, furry suit? Do I want that person close enough to me to pose for a picture? I don’t think so.

Clearly, I’ve got issues with mascots.

The librarian—we’ll call her Emily Elizabeth—was on double-duty this morning; she escorted Clifford to each classroom AND pooper-scooped. Clifford is a BIG dog, remember; he can leave a real wake behind him. I’m guessing she was also on the lookout for excessive leg-humping—that would explain the rolled up newspaper she was carrying.

After their school tour was done, I saw the librarian carrying a large box that said “Clifford costume.” That was my first clue that the person inside wasn’t a book fair rep. The second was when she whispered to me, “Oh yeah, he’s having a great time in there.” And then I remembered that a few minutes before I saw Clifford, I saw the principal talking to the librarian. Could it have been him inside that costume? If so, I’d like to take back that skank comment, and probably should say I didn’t mean the leg-humping one either.



  1. Jen-
    If you are completely desperate I can help on Tuesday.

    BTW, I LOVE our school librarian! At first I thought she was a little weird because she asked me how I got my ARM muscles then was asking details of my upper body routine. Oh. KAY. But then she told me she was an ex-fitness instructor and that I look perfect. So now I think she's just awesome! And she was also completely cool about the dog chewing up the book, which was the whole reason for my visit to her in the first place.
    I'm really glad I missed out on Clifford today. I will volunteer on Tuesday-- if Clifford is gone by then.
    P.S. You are too close to the pre-school years. I would not have remembered "Emily Elizabeth."

  2. Yes, it was Mr. Long in the costume. I hope he wasn't farting in it, because I have to wear it on Monday. I'm a sucker for helping the librarian. Also, Jenn, I will make sure to be making mean faces at you while I come up and give you a great, big Clifford-ie hug!

  3. Bold move, Jen, calling your children's principal a big red freak!

    And yeah, the Emily Elizabeth was lost on me as well...

    Great post! Almost makes me miss elementary school volunteering... almost.

  4. Your principal-humping suggestion could cause you to lose your coveted position on PTO.... :-)

  5. I will volunteer . . . I know that's shocking, but my current volunteer gig has been not up to snuff. Details to follow. Really! I will even show up. I loved the school and public libraries as a kid.
    Can it only be mothers of children in the school? Because I don't think I can pull that off, even with my now extensive collection of past Halloween costumes. Unless Mrs. Devil has a youngin enrolled there.
    Not wearing a mascot costume though, because pee never comes out of those.

  6. Remember when I thought Clifford was McGruff the Crime Dog? Yeah, that was funny.


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