Showing posts with label hell. Show all posts
Showing posts with label hell. Show all posts

Aug. 6: Silly, mean, deep, mean, inappropriate. And mean.

This morning I thought I’d do one of those “currently” posts, but YAWNERS. It got boring, fast. Instead, I’m going to share stuff I’ve been collecting—some’s funny, some’s profound, but none of it’s YAWNERS, I promise. Here ya go.

 

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Bachelorette party cake = BRILLIANT

 

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I totally did not think of Tina when I saw this… nope…

 

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Something happened on Facebook this weekend that angered me greatly. A friend shared a well-written article about the protests surrounding that chicken restaurant (you know the one) that has donated to anti-gay campaigns for years, and it prompted a “friend” of that friend to leave an incredibly offensive and ignorant comment about why she thinks gay marriage should not be legal. What bothered me besides the Bible verses she used to support her statement was that she prefaced the whole thing with, “I know and love a number of homosexuals, but…”

I wanted to reply with many, many words that would offend her right back. I know a lot of words like that; I totally coulda. Because no, you don’t love a number of homosexuals if you think legalizing their marriage will destroy the family basis of society and have “a much more far-reaching agenda than appears on the surface, including legalizing pedophilia and bestiality.” You don’t love them at all. You hate them. You think they’re icky and sinful and wrong. And that makes me think YOU are icky and sinful and wrong. Argh.

I didn’t have to respond because other people did, and they did it in a way that was so much better and more fair than I would have. They quoted the Bible AND EVERYTHING. It was the best. Because this is the truth:

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And it reminded me of something I heard Aziz Ansari say on the subject (he’s the actor who plays the very annoying Tom on Parks & Recreation):

“My whole take on the gay rights issue, particularly gay marriage, is, let’s be honest, if you’re against gay marriage, you just don’t like gay people and you want to stick it to ‘em. And I’m not saying that I wouldn’t do the same thing if I was presented with similar opportunities. If there was a law up for debate where it was like – ‘hey man, do you think guys that wear tight t-shirts and get bottle service at nightclubs should be allowed to own property?’ – I’d be like, ‘No!  @$#@ those guys! Yeah, uh, it violates the sanctity of owning property and it says in the Bible that they’re douchebags.’ Whatever I need to say so you don’t think this is coming from purely a place of hate.” —Aziz  Ansari

Bullseye.

Don’t think that I don’t realize how much of my post today has to do with not liking people. While it was not a conscious decision to lump all these things together, well, there they all are. Heh heh heh.

So’s not to leave a “Jen be so meeeeean!” taste in your mouth, here’s a picture of Lucy and Millie being friends that don’t chase or hiss or bite or claw. Sometimes they are very sweet critters.

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I hope your day also has very little chasing, hissing, biting, or clawing.

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Aug. 20: Decontamination

It’s been at least two years since Jack’s room has had a major cleaning, and that’s mostly because I avoid his space as much as possible. The floor is covered in LEGOs, even after he has “cleaned” <cough!>, and for some reason, his guitar and amp are always—ALWAYS!—in the doorway. Dresser drawers cannot be closed because they are stuffed full of clean and dirty clothes, papers, books, and LEGOs. The closet is growing things that make noise. When I walk in to this room, my blood pressure immediately elevates to dangerous levels. You think I’m exaggerating. I am not.

This is Vic’s and my project today. When we told Jack of our plans to tackle his room, he groaned. Then I told him I didn’t want him in there while we clean, and he was very, very happy. He thinks that’s good, that he doesn’t have to help. He shall surely regret not helping. He shall surely miss many of the things he holds dear but does not take care of and therefore does not deserve. (That’s me, pretending to be Meanie Mom. I suck at being Meanie Mom. I talk the talk, sure, but my “walk” is this: I’ll pick up every single LEGO piece from the floor and put it in a safe place, where it can be played with for years to come.)

Today will start with me muttering things like, “Why do we ever buy him anything when he doesn’t appreciate it?” and it’ll end with me tearing out my hair while setting fire to his room. (It’s okay; our next-door neighbor is our insurance dude and HE WOULD NEVER TELL.) There’s a good chance you won’t hear from me after today, so I just want to say that I love many of you and the rest of you can go to hell. “Hell” being Jack’s charred bedroom.

You will hate it. Trust me on this.

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Jan. 9: Just shut up, carrot eaters

You know those vegetarians who are all holier-than-thou? Like, just because they don’t eat God’s adorable little creatures they think they’re better than the rest of us who love to gnaw on cows? I hate those vegetarians. The ones who do it for health reasons, whatev—they’re harmless. But in my opinion, the best kinds of vegetarians are the ones who don’t blab about it all the time. I also like the ones who still refuse to eat my pizza even if I take off the pepperoni for them. They know the commandment of all pizzas sacred: ye should have ordered thine own, ye veggie freak!

Anyhoo, since I was raised around a bunch of those Jesus-freak salad shooters, I take it upon myself to make fun of them, because it’s their attitude that made me hate all that crap people say they do “in the name of God.” Pointing and judging right back at them is super-duper fun, I tell ya, which is why this picture made me HHOL (hee-haw out loud):

I know, I know. I’m going straight to hell.

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Mar. 24: Here’s a surprise

I’m pretty sure I’ve taken this quiz before, but I thought it was worth a re-take. People change, y’know! Well, people do. Apparently I don’t. Please share your test results in a comment so we can plan our eternal life death whatever accordingly.

You Are Going to Hell
Going to hell is fine with you. You're not sure if you even believe in hell. And if there is a hell, it's probably a pretty fun place! You rather be stuck with the troublemakers.

Life is short, so why wouldn't you live it up? Being good is incredibly boring. You're not going to miss out on anything in life... even if you have to lie, steal, or cheat to get it.

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Jan. 5: I gotcher global warming right here

Don’t get me wrong; I love my Jetta. I’m on my fourth Volkswagen, in fact, because they are so much fun to drive. But this time of year I have a teensy little complaint:

Ohmigod, it is so friggin’ hot in here.

The climate control thingie in the ‘08 VWs is pretty vague, consisting of a dial with a blue dot on one end—representing cold—and a red dot on the other—representing… HOT. Right. Very good.

Here I have made a simple diagram of how warm the car gets within seconds of changing the climate control thingie.



I’d like to ask Volkswagen to exercise some restraint in their contribution to our energy crisis and maybe instead put some effort into engineering decent cupholders in their cars (my guess is that Germans drive while holding their beer steins and do not need the 24 cupholders found in every American vehicle). I don’t think they’ll listen. Instead, I’ll ask this of my passengers:

Keep your friggin’ hands off my friggin’ climate control thingie.

July 4: One more thing

I am very post-y today.

I started to write about the oh-so-sad death of Jesse Helms but when I checked in at My Two Cents I decided Chris said it as well as I could. So read his post Ding Dong the Bigot is Dead! and pretend I wrote it and praise me for my brilliance and eloquence and spot-on analysis. This guy (Helms, not Chris) was a true jackass, quite possibly the King of Jackassitude.

And Chris, I agree that there’s a special place in Hell waiting for him, but it’s not going to be anywhere near our special place, is it? I mean, I’d like him close enough so we can watch him burn for eternity but not so close that he’ll ruin our fun, please.

Jan. 23: Evil personified

You've probably heard about that evil family that protests soldiers' funerals, praising their deaths and blaming everything on homosexuality. I find it incredibly disturbing that there are people so hateful and self-righteous and vocal in our world today. The flyer they released yesterday should not be a surprise, but it makes me sick anyway. Click the text below to read about their plans to picket Heath Ledger's funeral.



(Not mentioning their name or web site is intentional, BTW)

July 26: The Way I See It #230

This morning when Vic woke me to say good-bye he said he hadn't made coffee because we were out of creamer. And then he ran out the door so's not to suffer the consequences.

I hate when we run out of creamer. I especially hate when we run out of creamer when I'm finally on the verge of getting rid of a severe headache I've had for four days. Caffeine sometimes eases my headaches a bit. Not having caffeine is guaranteed to make them much worse. So I was left with no choice but to go to Starbucks this morning.

You might be thinking, "But Jen, you could have dranken the coffee without creamer..."

And I would respond, "Dranken is not a word, you dummy. And I like my coffee beige, like my men."

Venti nonfat mocha, please. Thank you.

The quote printed on my cup this morning, courtesy of Joel Stein, a columnist for the Los Angeles Times, made me chuckle: Heaven is totally overrated. It seems boring. Clouds, listening to people play the harp. It should be somewhere you can't wait to go, like a luxury hotel. Maybe blue skies and soft music were enough to keep people in line in the 17th century, but Heaven has to step it up a bit. They're basically getting by because they only have to be better than Hell.

And that is all I really felt like saying this morning because I'm still a little pissed about the creamer status in our house and it better be different tomorrow morning.


--Jen

July 5: This is my Hell

Ha! I love this thing. You put in all the hateful people you can think of, rank them, and your nine levels of Hell are created. Look at mine--Ann Coulter is in the "immersed in excrement" level! Could there BE anything more fun? :)

Follow the link at the bottom to create your own Hell, and be sure to share it with me!

--Jen
P.S. I know, it's kinda hard to read with such dark text/background. Sorry. I tried to change it but it was way too much work and not worth it.


bad spellers, The Doodlebops
Circle I Limbo

people who leave their rusty car parts in my yard
Circle II Whirling in a Dark & Stormy Wind

people that just don't get it
Circle III Mud, Rain, Cold, Hail & Snow

that guy that shushed me in church once
Circle IV Rolling Weights

bad drivers, celebrity big-mouth Scientologists
Circle V Stuck in Mud, Mangled

River Styx

General asshats, mean people
Circle VI Buried for Eternity

River Phlegyas

the truly evil so-called "Christians"
Circle VII Burning Sands

Ann Coulter, that evil beeyotch
Circle IIX Immersed in Excrement

and of course, George W. Bush
Circle IX Frozen in Ice


What's your hell like?



Updated 10:30 a.m.
Lori sent her results but apparently they can't be posted in comments. Here is her hell:

People who complain but won't vote
Circle I Limbo

Anyone who orders more than 3 drinks in the Starbuck's drive-thru
Circle II Whirling in a Dark & Stormy Wind

"Kids" who think Acuras can be race cars
Circle III Mud, Rain, Cold, Hail & Snow

People who drive SUV's
Circle IV Rolling Weights

Blind Patriots
Circle V Stuck in Mud, Mangled

River Styx

Dick Cheney
Circle VI Buried for Eternity

River Phlegyas

Karl Rove
Circle VII Burning Sands

George Bush
Circle IIX Immersed in Excrement

Ann Coulter
Circle IX Frozen in Ice

Design your own hell



Love it, Lori! Thanks for playing! --J.



Updated 7/6/07 at 8:50 a.m.
I got this anonymously. Hm, I have no idea whose hell it might be...

Anyone who abandons their kids in an orphanage
Circle I Limbo

Vampires
Circle II Whirling in a Dark & Stormy Wind

Kathie Lee Gifford, Rosie O'Donnell
Circle III Mud, Rain, Cold, Hail & Snow

Colonel-Selects from Peterson AFB who leave their families
Circle IV Rolling Weights

Gangsta Rappers
Circle V Stuck in Mud, Mangled

River Styx

Step-parents
Circle VI Buried for Eternity

River Phlegyas

Anyone with the last name BRIGGMAN
Circle VII Burning Sands

Judgmental SDA's
Circle IIX Immersed in Excrement

Kansas A**holes
Circle IX Frozen in Ice

Design your own hell

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