Mar. 22: Reverend Jen

As a reverend of Universal Life Church, I have committed to this doctrine: “Do only that which is right.”

I like to think I follow it pretty well, but sometimes it’s tricky because what is “right” to me is not necessarily “right” to others. Like, if I’m late to a meeting and don’t want to wait in line at Starbucks, it’s “right” for me to cut in front of everyone else. By all the yelling, though, I’m pretty sure the other people in line don’t think I’m “right” to do that.

Whatev. I’m following my church doctrine, folks.

My husband does not, even for a second, respect my title. In fact, he says I’m nothing without a following. This, my friends, is how cults get started: a dare from a spouse.

When I mention it at parties—how I’m going to start my own religion and I need church members—I get all sorts of promises from my friends to join my church. It might be the alcohol talking, but I like their promises, so my second church doctrine will be “Alcohol.” How’s that for rules?

1. Do only that which is right.
2. Alcohol.

I know, I know. You want to sign up right now.

Today’s post at AndyRossComedy.com was especially interesting to me because it’s all about his journey through one religion after another until he started his own. I think he’s really onto something with his guidelines:

- We don’t really have any dietary restrictions. Although, we do try to avoid olives and capers, just because they’re gross. Also, if someone wants sun-dried tomatoes on a pizza, we insist on extra cheese.

- We only pray when we want a new iPad, or when we’re late for a job interview.

- Our Sabbath falls on whichever day of the week is the sunniest. On that day, we hammock.

- We don’t believe in Heaven, but we do believe in Vietnamese sandwiches. So, close.

- We wear special magic underwear that makes our ass look great in these jeans.

- We do not believe in speaking aloud God’s real name, which is Henry F. Gunderson. OH NO!

- We believe in a strict separation of duties between the sexes. Only men shall perform card tricks; only women shall tie balloon animals.

- Reincarnation gets a solid “maybe” to “why not?”

- We do not believe in free will, as evidenced by this empty bag of potato chips.

- Our most sacred animal is the giraffe, because we thought we’d try to bolster its self confidence.

- We bury our dead in their most comfortable pajamas.

- We enjoy the occasional Agatha Christie novel.

Other than that, there aren’t many more rules to my religion—just another four hundred or so. But, most of those pertain to hammock etiquette.

I have strong feelings about olives and capers—I like them—so I can’t drop my dream of starting my own cult religion and just join Andy’s. That there’s a deal-breaker. Dang. But it’s got the wheels turning in my head…

Nov. 11: Chatty K-Fed

Don’t you hate when you end up in a deep conversation with someone that you desperately want NOT to be in, to the point that you think about stabbing yourself just to have an excuse to leave?

It’s a long and very uninteresting story, but I’ve been promising Jack that I would make some stuff for him to hang on his bedroom walls and I finally got around to it today. I planned to use the paper cutter at the school, but since I had time to work on the project today and the school was closed, I dropped by Fedex Kinko’s (or whatever it’s called now) to do my slicing and dicing there. As soon as I walked in, I thought UH-OH, because I had no copies to make or anything I needed to buy; I just wanted to use their paper cutter. And with my luck, there was a Kinko’s dude working in that area so it was totally obvious I didn’t need to use the copiers. I’ve spent pa-lenty of $$ at Kinko’s in the past; I probably shouldn’t feel bad using them for their paper cutter one time. I did anyway.

I had all my black posterboard laid out, and many large LEGO Indiana Jones photos to mount, and I couldn’t be discreet about it right there in the middle of the Kinko’s workspace. Fortunately, a couple came in right after I did, and they needed help so I didn’t have anyone bugging me for a while.

I half-listened to their conversation while I worked. They were making copies of a funeral program. Kathy and I LIVED at Kinko’s the week we prepared for Dad’s memorial service, and were always very grateful for the staff’s help when we needed it. This Kinko’s dude—we’re calling him K-Fed, alright?—was very kind and patient with them, and I was impressed that he showed them some extra care. They thanked him profusely, and he made a strange comment about funeral preparations being an emotional time and that he occasionally gets yelled at by customers so he tries to be extra careful.

Yikes, huh?

The couple was horrified that people could be so unkind to K-Fed. The conversation turned to classes and minimum wage and all three of them got a little louder. It was obvious they were all in agreement about how people should treat others the way they want to be treated, blah blah blah. There was something said about Americans and privilege, but I was busy slicing and didn’t hear every word. And the next thing I heard was K-Fed making another even stranger comment, this one about Palestinian children throwing rocks at soldiers.

Can I get a Scooby-Doo “wuh-huh?” here?

Suddenly there was, like, an icy chill in Kinko’s Land. I heard the woman say, “Well, we’re Christians, so we don’t feel that way.” K-Fed back-pedaled a little and the woman said again, “We’re Christians.” K-Fed said, “That’s great. I’m a pagan, but Thor is similar to your god, really, when you get down to the very basics.” She muttered something, but he just kept going.

I’m thinking, “Oh my Thor, K-Fed! Shut up!”

The niceties were over. The woman reminded him they were Christians—yeah, I think we got that part, Churchy!—and left. K-Fed wandered over to my work area.

“Whatcha got here?” he said, and I chuckled as I started to explain why I had so many photos of LEGO Indiana Jones. K-Fed interrupted me with a detailed description of every scene depicted in LEGO and how it compared to the original movies, the years in which they were released, and who played each of the main characters.

Oh, goodness. I missed Churchy. Come back, Churchy!

He blathered on for a while, and I sliced away, offering just the right number of nods and laughs and “uh-uhs” to keep him going. Another few customers came in and K-Fed went off to help them, leaving me alone not quite long enough to miss him. Within minutes he was back. He pointed to my photo with Indiana Jones and his dad. I told him about the time Victor said, “Look! It’s Han Solo and James Bond!” and Julianne thought that was the funniest thing, like, EVER. K-Fed thought it was clever too. (Yay! Vic made K-Fed laugh!) But I didn’t realize the mistake I’d just made, because K-Fed started in on the history of James Bond movies.

I’ve been a James Bond freak since high school. I’m not an expert, but I probably know more about Bond movies than the average person, and I HATE when people talk to me about James Bond as though I don’t know anything about it. It’s hard for me to keep my big fat trap shut when the topic comes up, though. And when K-Fed said one of his favorite Bond movies was “A View to a Kill,” he lost most of his credibility right there. Are you kidding me? NOBODY liked that movie!

This cutting project was taking way too long, dammit. K-Fed went through every actor who’s played Bond, giving his critique of each movie they were in, before he turned it into a debate over the Gaza Strip and Nazis and UN Decision #4925A-23 and its effect on the world’s perception of the US. He also suggested that I should never let anyone I love get a political science degree because they will analyze everything to death, just like he does. Duly noted, K-Fed.

It surprised me a little when he mentioned the couple that had been in earlier, and how they turned on him so quickly. He said he was shocked at their behavior. I was as diplomatic as I could be, and said, “These days, we have to be more careful than ever when conversation turns to politics and religion. You never know who you’re talking to.” And it took everything in me not to say something like AND MAYBE STOP MENTIONING HOW THOR DIED FOR ALL MANKIND’S SINS TOO.

I was finally done with my project and cleaning up my scraps when K-Fed said, “Well. Aren’t you fun to talk to!” and left to help another customer. At least he said I was fun to talk TO, not WITH—after all, he had done most the talking. Whatev, Kinko’s dude. He’s just lucky he didn’t trip and fall onto the paper cutter, because I was at the ready—I’d have sliced that jabbering tongue of his right off. It would’ve been tricky, too, because it was one of those sliding cutters, not the chopping kind. I would’ve made it work, though. I’m crafty that way. And quick like a bunny. Or more specifically, a killer. A fast one.

Next time? I’m definitely using the paper cutter at the school.

Dec. 3: Prop 8—the musical

Found this in my inbox today, sent to me by several brilliant, open-minded people (I love my friends). It’s star-studded and fab!

See more Jack Black videos at Funny or Die

Oct. 10: Screening by St. Peter

Prompted to post this comic by some political things I saw today:

Apr. 14: God’s infallible wing-man

Lori sent me the link to an interesting comparison of the polygamy compound in Texas and Catholicism: Real Time with Bill Maher. I don’t watch the show regularly, and I don’t always agree with his comments, but this is spot-on, IMO.

“Far be it from me to criticize religion...”

Feb. 12: Mac vs. PC? Meh.

A friend forwarded this to me today. It's bad bad bad but I laughed my arse off and I bet you will too.

Jan. 23: Evil personified

You've probably heard about that evil family that protests soldiers' funerals, praising their deaths and blaming everything on homosexuality. I find it incredibly disturbing that there are people so hateful and self-righteous and vocal in our world today. The flyer they released yesterday should not be a surprise, but it makes me sick anyway. Click the text below to read about their plans to picket Heath Ledger's funeral.



(Not mentioning their name or web site is intentional, BTW)

Oct. 9: Eight crazy nights

Today's topic is menorahs. I don't know why either.

First, I'm not Jewish so I claim to be no expert on the history or significance of the menorah. But I've always considered it sort of a sacred symbol, maybe comparable to Christians' nativity scene. Here's what Wikipedia says:

The menorah is a seven branched candelabrum lit by olive oil in the Tabernacle and the Temple in Jerusalem. The menorah is one of the oldest symbols of the Jewish people. It is said to symbolize the burning bush as seen by Moses on Mount Sinai (Exodus 25). The Menorah is also a symbol closely associated with the Jewish holiday of Hanukkah. The Hanukkah menorah has not seven, but nine candle holders.

Now, remember, that's from Wikipedia, so you know it's got to be correct.

Sacred symbol? Then explain these:


Disney's contribution has Mickey and Minnie roller-skating. Yes, roller-skating.


Doesn't the simple structure of the menorah just beg to be constructed as swings and a slide? At first I thought these were salt shakers, but then I thought "that doesn't make any sense!" Hm.


Here's a soft squeaky dog toy because Rover needs to celebrate his Judaism too. When he squeezes it in his mouth, it plays "Rock of Ages." Of course.


This is just downright creepy.

Who thought this was a good idea?

OK, the lasers are an awesome touch

A Hogwart's Menorah. Sure.

This was handcrafted and apparently is not for sale (unlike most of the others), which makes it a little less irreverent, IMO. I mean, it's sorta funny and no one's trying to make a buck off it, right?

This is the weird menorah that prompted my menorah-themed post. I saw it on one of my favorite gadget web sites. Since it's not a gadget I'm not sure why it was there, but whatever... Probably one of the dumbest things ever, wouldn't you agree?

As non-religious as I am these days, I find it a bit surprising that I am still occasionally bothered by what some call "celebrating their religious holidays." I don't know why I care. I make fun of Christian stuff all the time. In fact, when setting up the kids' Little People Nativity Set one December a few years back, I couldn't find one of the wise men so I replaced him with the Little People circus monkey from the Circus Train set. And I decided I liked it better that way so now it's like that every year. (Hey, if the man was so wise, why'd he get himself lost?)

July 4: It makes too much sense

St. Francis of Assisi put it best: "Go ye into all the world, preach the gospel and, if necessary, use words." ***

I may be an ordained minister, but I'm anything BUT a fan of organized religion these days. However, I'm impressed with something my friend Kirsten told me is happening at the Hollywood SDA church this summer. Read about The Spot.

What I appreciate most about this particular description of The Spot is in the response to a reader's question about whether it's similar to Vacation Bible School: "There is no Bible involved in this school. And my experience is that VBS ran for one or maybe two weeks. This is 9 weeks, 5 days a week, 8 am to 6 pm. But, to be clear, it has not religious component AT ALL. It is a art-enrichment summer day camp. We have children from all different types of religious backgrounds, and no religious background. I think this kind of non-religious ministry to the community is a good example of seeking the public good and modeling our spiritual values without ramming them down people's throats. More about being, less about saying." (Ryan Bell)

See, some people get it! Isn't that refreshing? Seems like this philosophy could be applied in so many ways...

--Jen

***The first time I read this quote to Victor he said, "Do you know what that means?" and I responded with my interpretation. He listened and then said, "Nope. It means St. Francis was a mime."