Sep. 11: Thursday Thirteen #10

I haven’t participated in Thursday Thirteen for a few weeks. Life got really hectic and I couldn’t put the time into coming up with 13 anythings. But I’m back this week. Being that today is an anniversary, I feel I should do something related to September 11 but I don’t want to because it would be depressing and bring everybody down. Instead, I’ll do a list related to me and bring myself down.

Next week I will turn 40 years old; thus, today I start the last week of being thirty-anything. Here are 13 things that happened in the past decade that changed my life.

Thirteen thirtysomethings

1. The biggie: I became a mom. Katie was born when I was 31; Jack when I was 33.
   
2. I hung on to much of my pregnancy weight and hate myself for it.
   
3. The other biggie: My dad died when I was 36. People who say adults don’t need their parents are wrong or lying. My dad was far from SuperDad, but I was not done with him yet, and I miss him every single day.
   
4. I re-claimed my mother when I was 36. She got a long-overdue divorce from a “man” who was selfish, judgmental and completely farked in the head. (I should be commended on my restraint in leaving the description of him brief and profanity-free.) It was dreadful to watch her go through the divorce, but the bonus is that now my mom is my mom again. I adore her, I admire her, and I am very, very proud of whom she is.
   
5. I finally made a break from the church in which I was raised. This happened gradually, but I reached the point of no return when I was 34. Later, when my mom’s 23-year marriage crumbled the way it did and I saw how “our” church handled it (by pretending they didn’t notice), I was more sure than ever that I had made a good decision. For me, this feels right. I am happy living a life that has nothing to do with organized religion.
   
6. At almost 33 I watched in horror as the events of September 11, 2001 unfolded. Like many people, I feel that my priorities in life changed that day.
   
7. Although I can’t pinpoint an actual age that it happened, I became more convicted about my political views in my 30s.
   
8. I attended my 20th high school reunion when I was 37. I know some people dread these events, but I thought it was an absolute blast.
   
9. My husband and I celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary when I was 38. I never doubted we’d make it that far, but I (we) still feel very proud of that milestone.
   
10. I was laid off a job that I loved when I was 31. The company closed during my maternity leave, and when I was ready to go back to work, there was no job to return to. I started doing the same kind of work as an independent contractor and am still doing it almost nine years later.
    
11. I started a family web site, which evolved over the years into this blog, when I was 31.
    
12. At 38, I became an ordained reverend of the Universal Life Church. Their doctrine? Do that which is right. No Jesus-freak, holier-than-thou stuff.
    
13. Exciting travel firsts: I traveled to Europe when I was 32, went on a Caribbean cruise when I was 34, turned 36 while at Disney World, and went to Canada when I was 39.

Next week: Things I hope to see happen in my 40s.

Sep. 10: Happy Anniversary!

Happy anniversary to Erin and Kevin. They are two very fun people that deserve each other, and I mean that in the very best way.

But... two years and still no baby? What is up with that, guys? Don’t you understand the delight it will bring to your families to welcome a little one into the world? And the delight it will bring to me because I will finally be able to say my mom is a great-grandmother? That would totally. kick. ass.

Please consider my feelings. Thank you. I love you bunches—

Sep. 9: Yes, I want fries with that

I walk to and from the kids’ bus stop almost every afternoon. It’s about two-thirds of a mile total; given that I have a very weak ankle and am incredibly lazy, this is not too bad and also not too smart. But this morning I had an errand and decided I should hoof it. I walked all the way to the post office and back. Yay for Jen, right? Feel the burn.

To be accurate, I didn’t walk to the city post office, but the big blue mailbox by McDonalds. It’s about two miles round trip. I’m not an idiot, you know.

I had my mp3 player with me—Rent is a great soundtrack to walk to, by the way—but forgot my wallet so I couldn’t even get French fries as a reward for my ambitious, uh, hoofing. Dammit. I could have totally walked off the fries, couldn’t I have?

This whole cutting-carbs thing means I haven’t eaten French fries in a very long time. I miss French fries. They make me feel alive. Exercise, on the other hand, makes me feel like I just might die. No, it makes me want to die. No, actually, it makes me want to kill someone else and then stuff my face with carbo-tastic deliciousness. Somebody, please: eat some fries for me today and DO NOT exercise.

I need a nap before I head up to the bus stop.

Sep. 8: Palin! The Musical

Did you hear about the latest fake celebrity Broadway-type musical smash? It’s Palin! The Musical and is nothing less than dazzling, both in its perfection and brilliance.

Sep. 8: A creature was stirring

I couldn’t fall asleep last night. After tossing for an hour I finally gave up and went downstairs. I turned on my computer and then the family room light and noticed a very slight movement on the floor out of the corner of my eye. I thought, weird, I don’t think the A/C is on. It wasn’t.

Before I go on, a warning for Lori: you may want to stop reading now.

I kept an eye on the spot where I was pretty sure I hadn’t imagined seeing that very slight movement. It was among a mass of cables and cords near Vic’s computer. No more action—whew, it was all in my imagination.

But wait, there’s more! I wouldn’t advise Lori to stop reading if the story ended there.

My peripheral vision caught something again a couple minutes later. And then I saw a mouse. And then I said a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad word.

I’m not afraid of mice; I actually like most rodents. Katie’s second grade classroom had a hamster and the kids were always amazed when I asked to carry him around, like adults aren’t supposed to like cute, cuddly things. I’m also not afraid of snakes, although I’m not quite as excited about cuddling them.

However, I don’t like to be surprised by wild critters. And I certainly don’t want them in my house if they’re not caged.

So I sat frozen in my desk chair, watching the mouse. It was actually a really cute little thing, but I definitely didn’t like the idea of it running around my house. I didn’t know what to do. You see a spider in your house, you make your brave husband stomp on it, right? A fly or a bee or a mosquito? Get the flyswatter. But a mouse? Geez, what the H-E-double-hockeysticks are you supposed to do when you see a mouse?

It disappeared behind the couch, and then suddenly it was running along the back of the couch and I was starting to feel a little creeped out because, y’know, I sometimes hang out on that couch. It disappeared again and soon showed up back in the cords. Casey, who follows me everywhere, even in the middle of the night, came downstairs right about then. I’m thinking, cool; a rat terrier is the next best thing to a cat, right? She’ll pounce and I’ll have a ‘brave doggie’ story to tell. But Casey curled up on the rug at my feet and fell asleep. Worthless damn dog.

Vic rearranged the garage over the weekend and found evidence of at least one mouse, so he set an electronic trap. I moved it indoors, to the prime spot right next to all the cords. I thought the peanut butter inside would be irresistible but the mouse didn’t go near it. Instead, just when I thought maybe it had disappeared for good, I saw it run in front of the fireplace and behind the bookcase in the corner. The cute little mouse stopped looking quite so cute and much more evil and menacing. And because at this rate its next move would be down the wall right to where I was sitting, I decided maybe I was tired after all and quickly went back to bed, hoping the mouse couldn’t figure out how to climb the stairs.

This morning I got up early to see if the trap light was flashing, indicating a “prize.” It wasn’t. And I said that same terrible, horrible, no good, very bad word.

I’ll keep you posted, Internet.

Sep. 7: A have-you-ever meme

Have you ever...

1. Gone on a blind date? Yes. I was working the phones in the dorm one Saturday night and some guy called asking if there were any girls hanging out in the lobby that he could talk to. What a loser! He wouldn’t hang up so we chatted for a while and he finally asked me out. I think we went to a movie after I got off work. I don’t remember it being especially painful but we didn’t hit it off, either. We never went out again.
   
2. Skipped school? I still have nightmares about how often I skipped school.
   
3. Watched someone die? No.
   
4. Been on a plane? Yup.
   
5. Been on the opposite side of your country? Yes; Florida.
   
6. Swam in the ocean? The ocean along the Oregon coast is cold but when I was younger it didn’t bother me. I loved the Pacific while visiting Hawaii. And the Caribbean was the loveliest of all.
   
7. Had your booze taken away by the cops? No.
   
8. Lettered in a high school sport? This question made me laugh very, very hard. And then I cried.
   
9. Cried yourself to sleep? God, yes.
   
10. Played cops and robbers? Probably.
    
11. Sung karaoke? Nope, but I would with the right people.
    
12. Paid for a meal with coins only? My friend Deanna and I ordered a pizza in high school and paid for it with rolls of pennies.
    
13. Done something you told yourself you wouldn’t? What, are these questions just to make me feel like crap?
    
14. Cheated on an exam? I cheated on quizzes in World Religions often; it was hard not to in that amphitheater and besides, that girl in front of me always knew the answers.
    
15. Made prank phone calls? Oh, maybe a few...
    
16. Laughed until some sort of beverage came out of your nose? Ouch, yes.
    
17. Caught a snowflake on your tongue? Yes.
    
18. Written a letter to Santa Claus? Yes.
    
19. Watched the sun rise with someone you care about? Yes.
    
20. Been kissed under the mistletoe? Yes.
    
21. Been arrested? Are you kidding? Not even close.
    
22. Gone ice skating? Yes. I even took an ice skating class in college to satisfy one of my two phys ed requirements.
    
23. Been skinny dipping outdoors? Does a hot tub count?
    
24. Had a nickname? Yes.
    
25. Been on TV? Yes, besides being in an audience for some local talk shows in the 80s, Victor and I were on The Tonight Show in 1997. Several actors sat right in front of us, and during Jay Leno’s monologue the camera went to them and we were on screen very visibly during their schtick. Want our autographs?

Your turn! Leave your answers on your own blog or in a comment below.

Sep. 7: Just go commando

On the iCarly episode Katie turned on this morning, one of the characters was given a “Texas wedgie.” I was not aware of this wedgie style, so I Googled it. Apparently a Texas wedgie is a wedgie that’s “very big.” Hm. I continued to read about wedgies and found so much information that I decided I need to inform the public. So here’s the scoop on wedgies, people. You know you were dying to read this.

Dictionary.com defines a wedgie as “the condition of having one’s underpants or other clothing uncomfortably stuck between the buttocks.” They left out the part about them usually being a punishment inflicted by an older sister or brother. And that wedgies can also happen when unders ride up all on their own, ‘specially while riding a bicycle.

Wedgies are also known as gotch pulls, brownies, snuggies, coochie cutters, and probably a lot of other things too. According to UrbanDictionary.com, there are several variations on the standard wedgie as well, such as:

• A wedgie from both sides, often performed by two people, is called a mervin.
  
• A wedgie from the front is called a melvin. (Think Derek Zoolander’s walk-off finale.)
  
• A wedgie in which the victim’s underwear is lifted up over their head and rests on their forehead is called an atomic wedgie.
  
• However, a wedgie in which the victim is lifted up the ground by their underwear and the underwear is pulled above their head but does not rest on their forehead is called a nuclear wedgie. (It’s my personal opinion that anyone who pronounces “nuclear” NEWK-YOU-LER should get a nuclear wedgie. I’m looking at you, Mr. President.)
  
• A gang wedgie is when a group of people attack a person, giving him as many wedgies as possible.
  
• A wedgie in which the victim’s underwear is hung on a doorknob or hook on the wall is called a hanging wedgie or bungee wedgie.
  
• A wedgie in which the underwear tears, or rips off completely, is called a turbo wedgie or ripper wedgie.
  
• A wedgie in which the pants of the victim are ripped completely off is called a cosmic wedgie.
  
• A wedgie in which the female victim is wearing a thong is called a thwedgie. (Oh, now come on! As if wearing a thong isn’t painful enough?)
  
• A wedgie on a female from the front is called a vedgie. (New rule: let’s never refer to vegetarians or vegetables as “veggies” again, mmkay?)
  
• A wedgie in which the person performing the wedgie jumps up and down to wedge the underwear further is called a sky high wedgie or kangaroo wedgie.
  
• A wedgie in which the victim is lifted off the ground and then spun around by the wedgie is called a centrifugal wedgie or a Flying Dutchman.
  
• A wedgie in which some kind of a pole is inserted between the leg holes and twisted around to give the victim more of a wedgie is called a propeller wedgie.
  
• A Superman wedgie occurs when the victim’s arms are pushed down through the leg holes of the underwear and the waistband is placed on both shoulders.
  
• If a swimmer is given a wedgie in his trunks and then dragged behind as the prankster swims away, that is a jet-ski wedgie.
  
• A jock wedgie, or jock lock, is typically given during a sport. Another athlete grabs the victim’s jock strap and pulls hard, wedging the back straps.
  
• A rowboat wedgie is when the victim is lying face down and the wedgie-giver sits above the victim’s head and puts his feet on the victim’s shoulders. He then grabs the waistband of the victim’s underwear and pulls up with both hands while pushing his feet against their shoulders, like rowing a boat.

Wow. I had no idea.

A couple of smart kids invented wedgie-proof underwear and call them Rip-Away 1000. There’s an online game called Wedgie Toss 2, which means at some point there must have been a Wedgie Toss 1. And someone actually wrote a book called How to Give a Wedgie!

I think it goes without saying that wedgies are primarily a boy thing. So I close with one of my favorite conversations from Seinfeld:

Elaine: Why do they call it a “wedgie”?
George: Because the underwear is pulled up from the back until ... it wedges in.
Jerry: They also have an atomic wedgie. Now the goal there is to actually get the waistband on top of the head. It’s very rare.
Elaine: Boys are sick.
Jerry: Well, what do girls do?
Elaine: We just tease someone until they develop an eating disorder.

(Sources: all over the Internet and the Captain Underpants books)

Sep. 6: Happy birthday, Deanna!

Happy birthday to my favorite cousin, Deanna! I feel very fortunate that my dad and Deanna’s mom were brother and sister so I can always claim this fun person as a family member. Also, she led me to the ministry, for which I will be forever grateful. My virtual gifts for Deanna this year are:


Here’s a priest collar in dickey form, to wear for all future weddings Deanna will perform. She’s done two weddings already, which is two more than I have done. I’d like to call her a mean name for being a more successful reverend than I, but that would not follow our church’s doctrine.


The redneck version of Windows: Winders Bubba. So she can be even more Saltmarsh-y.


I did not bake Deanna’s birthday cake but it doesn’t mean I love her any less than if I could have baked it. That doesn’t make sense, does it? But I think she gits it.

Sep. 6: Happy birthday, Dan!

Happy birthday to Dan Kaempff! We re-connected via Facebook this year and now he’s a frequent and very welcome commenter here at Stuff Jen Says. Because we have similar political views and tastes in humor, here are my gifts for Dan on his big day:


Dan rides his bike a lot. I think it’s because he doesn’t have a car. So I’m getting him a little economical one—a Canyonero!

And he’ll need some magnets for this new car. These ought to do—





Here’s Dan’s very own birthday cake, specially made by me. The edible pic doesn’t look much like him, and I’m pretty sure I got his age wrong. But I stayed up all night baking, so he better damn well appreciate this—



Have a super day today, Dan!

Sep. 6: Happy Birthday, Kim!

Happy birthday to Kim (Felkley) Nelson! This lucky girl has just one year left before she enters the wonderful world of her 40’s. Enjoy it, Kim!

My virtual gifts for Kim on her big day are:

A coconut bikini for her upcoming trip to Hawaii that she’s not taking me on—


Kim and I met at Walla Walla University...


...and she deserves this award for being part of a lot of my favorite college memories


And lastly, Kim gets her very own cake stolen from a Google image search—


Many lovies, Kimmie! Have a wonderful day today.