Sep. 7: Just go commando

On the iCarly episode Katie turned on this morning, one of the characters was given a “Texas wedgie.” I was not aware of this wedgie style, so I Googled it. Apparently a Texas wedgie is a wedgie that’s “very big.” Hm. I continued to read about wedgies and found so much information that I decided I need to inform the public. So here’s the scoop on wedgies, people. You know you were dying to read this.

Dictionary.com defines a wedgie as “the condition of having one’s underpants or other clothing uncomfortably stuck between the buttocks.” They left out the part about them usually being a punishment inflicted by an older sister or brother. And that wedgies can also happen when unders ride up all on their own, ‘specially while riding a bicycle.

Wedgies are also known as gotch pulls, brownies, snuggies, coochie cutters, and probably a lot of other things too. According to UrbanDictionary.com, there are several variations on the standard wedgie as well, such as:

• A wedgie from both sides, often performed by two people, is called a mervin.
  
• A wedgie from the front is called a melvin. (Think Derek Zoolander’s walk-off finale.)
  
• A wedgie in which the victim’s underwear is lifted up over their head and rests on their forehead is called an atomic wedgie.
  
• However, a wedgie in which the victim is lifted up the ground by their underwear and the underwear is pulled above their head but does not rest on their forehead is called a nuclear wedgie. (It’s my personal opinion that anyone who pronounces “nuclear” NEWK-YOU-LER should get a nuclear wedgie. I’m looking at you, Mr. President.)
  
• A gang wedgie is when a group of people attack a person, giving him as many wedgies as possible.
  
• A wedgie in which the victim’s underwear is hung on a doorknob or hook on the wall is called a hanging wedgie or bungee wedgie.
  
• A wedgie in which the underwear tears, or rips off completely, is called a turbo wedgie or ripper wedgie.
  
• A wedgie in which the pants of the victim are ripped completely off is called a cosmic wedgie.
  
• A wedgie in which the female victim is wearing a thong is called a thwedgie. (Oh, now come on! As if wearing a thong isn’t painful enough?)
  
• A wedgie on a female from the front is called a vedgie. (New rule: let’s never refer to vegetarians or vegetables as “veggies” again, mmkay?)
  
• A wedgie in which the person performing the wedgie jumps up and down to wedge the underwear further is called a sky high wedgie or kangaroo wedgie.
  
• A wedgie in which the victim is lifted off the ground and then spun around by the wedgie is called a centrifugal wedgie or a Flying Dutchman.
  
• A wedgie in which some kind of a pole is inserted between the leg holes and twisted around to give the victim more of a wedgie is called a propeller wedgie.
  
• A Superman wedgie occurs when the victim’s arms are pushed down through the leg holes of the underwear and the waistband is placed on both shoulders.
  
• If a swimmer is given a wedgie in his trunks and then dragged behind as the prankster swims away, that is a jet-ski wedgie.
  
• A jock wedgie, or jock lock, is typically given during a sport. Another athlete grabs the victim’s jock strap and pulls hard, wedging the back straps.
  
• A rowboat wedgie is when the victim is lying face down and the wedgie-giver sits above the victim’s head and puts his feet on the victim’s shoulders. He then grabs the waistband of the victim’s underwear and pulls up with both hands while pushing his feet against their shoulders, like rowing a boat.

Wow. I had no idea.

A couple of smart kids invented wedgie-proof underwear and call them Rip-Away 1000. There’s an online game called Wedgie Toss 2, which means at some point there must have been a Wedgie Toss 1. And someone actually wrote a book called How to Give a Wedgie!

I think it goes without saying that wedgies are primarily a boy thing. So I close with one of my favorite conversations from Seinfeld:

Elaine: Why do they call it a “wedgie”?
George: Because the underwear is pulled up from the back until ... it wedges in.
Jerry: They also have an atomic wedgie. Now the goal there is to actually get the waistband on top of the head. It’s very rare.
Elaine: Boys are sick.
Jerry: Well, what do girls do?
Elaine: We just tease someone until they develop an eating disorder.

(Sources: all over the Internet and the Captain Underpants books)