Nov. 23: Some answers

I had an MRI on my back yesterday. This morning we got the results: there was something there. The radiologist recommended a CT of my abdomen to get a better look at it, and once again: he could see that thing.

That thing—apparently what’s causing the often excruciating pain I’ve had for the past 6+ months—is some kind of mass in my abdominal cavity, just in front of my spine, and it does not belong there. There’s some concern about what it is, so I’m having more tests done on Wednesday, including a biopsy. By the beginning of next week we should have the biopsy results and a much better idea of what the future holds.

I have to say, I’m looking forward to the biopsy because I get to be somewhat sedated. A chance to rest, somewhat pain-free? Sign me up for more!

But oh my goodness, how easy it is to let one’s mind wander to dangerous places. I really, really, really need to not do that right now, when everything is still so uncertain. The kids got home today and I burst into tears at the thought of telling them anything. I decided it’s best not to freak the hell out of anyone until we know more. For now, anyway, I’m not saying anything more to Katie and Jack than that I’m going in for tests on my back.

The woman I wrote about the other day, the friend-of-friends who had been fighting cancer for the past year, passed away on Saturday night; this news being in the forefront of my mind is not helping with the whole keeping-emotions-in-check thing.

The one emotion I’m finding it very easy to feel is extreme anger toward my primary care physician, who blamed my back pain on bad alignment and muscle spasm for so many months. I knew this was something, I knew it wasn’t my imagination, and I knew it was more than a chiropractic problem. The fact that the pain has only increased over time means this mass is growing, and so my doctor dragging his feet on finding the answer just pisses me right off.

Trust me, the anger brewing inside me is probably way healthier than the alternative, which is not much more than thoughts that result in gallons of tears.

Happy thoughts, please. Many thanks.