Jan. 26: Dr. Jen to the rescue

Here's my recipe for curing a migraine:

  1. Wake up. Otherwise you're dead and the migraine won.
  2. Whine to no one in particular because your husband's on the early shift and isn't there to hear or soothe you.
  3. Keep whining. As Michael Jackson once said, don't stop 'til you get enough.
  4. Take a shower. It won't help the headache, but you smell like pee-sweat and last night's dinner.
  5. While still in the shower, squirt a whole bunch of saline up your nose. DO NOT USE A NETI POT UNLESS YOU LIKE THE FEEL OF DROWNING.
  6. Stay in the shower until the hot water is gone and you can hear your 11-year-old daughter trying to fake illness so she doesn't have to go to school with unwashed hair. Your son, who has not yet bathed in 2012, does not seem to need hot water. Ever.
  7. Exit the shower. Dry off. Wonder how a newly washed towel can smell so very much like theater popcorn.
  8. Throw on whatever clothes you can find because you are NOT going anywhere today.
  9. Spray oxymetazoline up both nostrils. The no-drip kind works. The other kind doesn't.
  10. Drink some coffee. Caffeine is a good migraine treatment.
  11. Drink more coffee.
  12. A little moooore...
  13. Cry.
  14. Email everyone you were supposed to see today because you're not going anywhere. Be secretly glad that Fancy Lori denied your lunch date request, but try to make her feel bad anyway.
  15. Cry some more. Lunch with Fancy Lori would've been fun!
  16. Give up on all the over-the-counter, holistic, herbal, and veterinary treatments. They don't work for shit.
  17. Take an Ativan (for the crying), a Percoset (for the pain), and chase them with coffee. Toss in another Ativan to this cocktail for good measure and because you forgot you already took one.
  18. Find a pillow, cuz you are DOWN.
  19. Have a long, weird dream about peeing and peeing and peeing.
  20. Wake up and get in the shower because that wasn't a dream.
  21. Towel still smells like popcorn. You might now be hungry for popcorn.
  22. Migraine has decreased by 85% and you are awake. Win-win!!
You're welcome. You can always count on Dr. Jen for good medical advice. And don't forget, she's also a reverend.

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Thanks! –Jen


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