Jan. 30: Chuckle rerun

I promise I’m not going to start re-running all my old posts, but this popped up in Timehop this morning and I just had to share it. Again. Here are funny tweets from five-ish years ago. They made me LOL this morning.

MikeyADHD MOMMY DOESN'T LET ME KEEP TWO OF THE SAME HAPPY MEAL TOYS CAUSE SHE KNOWS I WILL SET ONE OF THEM ON FIRE.

fireland You ever get drunk and buy something online but forget all about it until she shows up on your porch, yelling something in Russia-talk?

CranberryPerson Almost barfed on my morning run. Dunno if it was because I've been sick for weeks, or if I had too much red wine for breakfast.

lonelysandwich Really, Art Linkletter? I've heard darnder.

This is Stephen Colbert: StephenAtHome these boots were made for walking as well as kicking over office chairs when my assistant brings the wrong coffee

I don’t know if the links to their Twitter profiles still work. I guess you’ll just have to click and see.

Moltz Oh, the things these walls would say if they could talk! Same thing with the gagged hostages! And if I untie them, oh, the places they'd go!

secretsquirrel Listen, it says right here "Petting Zoo" and 'heavy' IS a kind of petting so either leave us alone or help me get this llama's bra off.

wordlust The worst threat to a marriage isn’t the seven-year itch—it’s the two-and-a-half-year skidmark.

biorhythmist Are you not familiar with the concept of a wet nurse? Anyway, I'll give your baby back if you apologize for yelling at me in the food court.

biorhythmist Oh, ANISE. Sorry, yeah, that's why these cookies taste horrible.

If they do work, and if you check in at Twitter once in a while, you’ll do your laugh-er good to follow them.

CranberryPerson My dad taught me how to throw a baseball. I taught my son that you can get 1ups if Mario repeatedly jumps on the same turtle shell.

sween My wife leaves for girls' night. I go upstairs and put the toilet seat up. Just to remember I can. Then I put it down. I'm not an idiot.

strutting Crap. Just toppled my pile of clothes. I didn't know that was a load-bearing sweater.

Moltz I'm pleased to report that tonight at dinner Hank figured out the most important rule of football: "The Cowboys smell like poopie monkeys."

GorillaSushi Sometime you want to do GREAT things with your life. Then you DO THEM! And then you think "maybe homemade hot dogs weren't the best idea".

I don’t do Twitter much these days. These make me think I need to change that.

CranberryPerson I had to promise my kid I wouldn't play Mario while he was sick in bed, and now he's playing without me! AIN'T NO WII AT MILITARY SCHOOL.

samhey I'm about to get savage up in this bitch. And by 'get savage' I mean clip my toenails and by 'bitch' I mean adorable terrycloth bathrobe.

biorhythmist Can you believe this guy watching porn on the bus over my shoulder?

sween How to wear a fedora: 1) Be Indiana Jones. 2) Stop chuckling. I'm serious. 3) Hey. Numbnuts. You're not Indiana Jones. Take it off.

luckyshirt SCIENCE FACT: If you took all of the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.

I do loves the funnies.

hotdogsladies When I sautée green peppers, I often remove the tiny slivers from the sticker I forgot to remove. That's how you know I'm a "foodie."

phillygirl Had full-fat salad dressing & did not immediately become obese. I'm baffled. Also, it tasted like...flavor? Yes, that must have been flavor.

copyblogger Funniest country song lyric ever: "I'm at home getting hammered while she's out getting nailed."

CranberryPerson The three Ms of parenting: McDonald's, movies, and I forget the other one but who cares because 67% is still a passing grade most places.

Zaius13 Submitting a picture of Mickey Rourke to crappytaxidermy.com.

But I already waste too much time on social media.

cpinck Who’s got two thumbs and might be doing this police lineup wrong?

EffingBoring You'll be *falling* in love to the rhythm of a steel drum band? So you aren't *in* love yet? WHY DID YOU AGREE TO GO TO KOKOMO WITH THIS GUY

MrBigFists Looking at my resume. Says here, I left a job in 95 due to "Gross Incontinence." That can't be right... Oh. Yeah. No, that's totally right.

wigu Women. They don't want you to sing about poop, and they don't want you to sing about NOT singing about poop.

bcompton For every communicable disease I get from my son that he got from school, I teach him a new swear.

OK, just a few more…

FakeAPStylebook Avoid corporate buzzwords such as "paradigm" and "synergy." Simply use "bullshit."

paul_e_wog I *hate* traveling. They're all "take off your shoes!", "take off your belt!", "no fluids!" It's like TSA hired all of my ex-girlfriends.

adamisacson They say 1 glass of wine a day is good for your heart. But what about 7 glasses of wine once a week? I'll let you know how that works out.

CranberryPerson My three year old just berated some toys for being "nerds." Dunno where he learned that, but I can never let him see my old yearbooks now.

exframebuilder On public toilet wall, "My mother made me a homosexual." Underneath, "If I bought the yarn, could she make one for me."

Just kidding. There are lots more.

gordonshumway I always get chloroform confused with chlorophyll. This guy I kidnapped is awake and angry but his leaves have never been more lush.

MooeyTie Sorry about that accidental flatulence, WalMart. Although, I'm pretty confident that you won't notice.

CranberryPerson Asking guests to make donations in lieu of gifts for a 7 yr old's birthday party will teach the kid an important lesson- get better parents.

_loveclaire It's not that I hate my downstairs neighbors, I just want to put them on a rocket ship and aim it at a giant planet made entirely of shit.

phillygirl Boy with toy laptop sits next to me w/my real one. "I brought mine,too," he says. I warn him about the patchy wifi. He nods in appreciation.

For realsies, now, I’m almost done.

FakeAPStylebook Don't use two words when you can use one, unless those two words are "chainsaw duel" because that's awesome, dude.

Dogphorisms Humans call it a gerbil cage, but it’s a mesmerizing combination of TV, the Internet, and a lunch box to me.

FanEffingTastic No sweetie, we don't call it "drunk" anymore. Mommy is just alcohol enhanced.

ladawn Nothing like parent drop-off in the rain to make you...OMG MOVE YOU ASSHOLE...oh, sorry Ms. Jones, see you at parent-teacher conference!

Dogphorisms Oh garbage can lid, foul garbage can lid... Merciless gatekeeper of heaven! What did I ever do to you?

This is the last bunch. Promise.

essdogg Paula Deen just discarded the egg whites and kept the yolks. Run away with me, you sexy minx, you!

fireland YOU KNOW I DON'T LIKE BEING INTERRUPTED DURING SOUR CREAM TIME

MooeyTie Isn't it possible that there actually were chocolate covered candy hearts to give away, but Stevie Wonder just couldn't see them?

lafix Lube, batteries, wine & a wheel of Brie are the ingredients of homemade shark repellent when a nosy kid looking in your cart asks.

fireland Woke up in the ball pit at McDonald's, underwear full of dollar bills. So far, best birthday ever.

It feels like winter in Portland today, but it looks like summer so I’ll take it. Not a bad way to (almost) end January.

Jan. 26: Choosing joy (between clenched teeth)

My self-improvement effort this year is to choose joy; when faced with a situation that has the potential to super-duper piss me off, I want to try NOT to be pissed off. I don’t know if that’s how everyone else defines the “choosing joy” thing, but that’s how I’m doing it, because it has the greatest potential to being life-changing for me. I realize this is a very lofty goal. ;)

When crossed, my usual first reaction is to defend myself. This might be because I’m human, but also because dissension and confrontation make my heart beat too fast and I prefer for everyone to always be on the same side for always and ever ever ever… or at least not to be assholes. During the State of the Union address last week, when so many Republicans refused to applaud or even pay attention to what the president was saying? Oh. Em. Gee. That made me furious, not because they disagreed with the president (that’s their right), but because their behavior was completely childish. And while I know we’ll never reach consensus on how this country should best be run, do we have to be assholes?

(That answer for many would, apparently, be “Yes, because Obama.”)

  Choose joy, Jen. Choose it. It’s right there. Embrace it.

Ooooooommmmmmmmm…

Sometimes I read the news and think, “Why is this news?” because the issue seems so the-answer-is-clear-why-would-anyone-argue-with-this? straightforward. Example: “bee stings hurt!” Duh. They do. That’s probably 95 percent fact (I suppose some people like ‘em). Not news.

Articles about the importance of getting our kids vaccinated so we don’t revive long-dead pandemic diseases? WHY IS THIS NEWS? It’s news because people have chosen not to vaccinate after a few celebrities said vaccinations are bad. Not scientists, or physicians, or people who actually know what they’re talking about, but people who are beautiful and happen to have a platform.

Brilliant parenting move, people. Brilliant move, too, as a member of the human race.

I take these irresponsible decisions personally, because my immune system was completely zapped during chemotherapy. I did my best to stay away from places where I could easily be infected—airplanes, crowds in general—but couldn’t avoid the occasional risk. The idea that someone I encountered might be carrying measles, and my body couldn’t have fought it off? Geez. It’s scary to think there are people out there who don’t even know they have a weakened immune system, and they go on a little ol’ vacation and come home with the Plague. (Worst souvenir ever.)

There was a piece in The Onion last week about parents’ choice to immunize their kids. It’s satire, but only barely.

So, I’d love to choose joy when I read about WHY people aren’t vaccinating their kids, but it ain’t easy.

Same thing, though slightly less significant for the short term, with, saaaay, climate change deniers. How do people so easily disregard scientific facts? And how is that EVER a political issue?

It kinda reminds me about a Sabbath School teacher who insisted dinosaurs, like unicorns, weren’t real because they weren’t mentioned in the Bible. I remember wondering then, even at nine years old, what those huge fossils archaeologists had found were, if dinosaurs never existed.

Goodness and gracious. Serenity now.

My biggest challenge, obviously, is choosing joy when I see absolutely no joy in or around a situation. It becomes even more challenging when the situation involves people who have attacked me personally. I asked a very wise friend about how to deal with these things better, and she assured me that karma is a very real thing; if I can believe that all people eventually get what they deserve, I can probably back off from my need to exact revenge on the mean ones. She was very right.

I’m not perfect, and there’s still time for me to get fed up with choosing joy, but nowadays, when rotten stuff comes along and I just can’t get it out of my head, my method of coping goes like this:

1. I remind myself that we get out of life what we put in. When I’m especially hurt or angry, I like to think of driving the karma bus through a parking lot full of mean people. (I don’t think that’s exactly what my wise friend had in mind, but hey, it works for me.)
2. I watch cat videos on the Internet, read quotes about kindness and authenticity, pet my critters, cook stuff, or clean.
3. I make a conscious choice not to be angry, hurt, or sad about things/people not in my control.
4. Sometimes it works. More often than not, it works.

If you’re looking to be less critical and/or bothered by the things around you, here’s my advice to you:

1. Ignore it if you can.
2. Distract yourself.
3. Express yourself in a way that will not hurt others (write in a journal, create something, scream into a pillow)
4. If possible, find a way to fix the things that bother you—as Gandhi said, “Be the change you wish to see in the world.”
5. If those things don’t work, avoid people and weapons and alcohol and posting on Facebook. In other words, don’t be an asshole.

Take it from me, because, y’know, I have no idea what I’m talking about.

Jan. 25: Funny pitchers

Here are a bunch of images I’ve been collecting to share witcha. Otherwise, I got nothin’.

 

When my life is chaotic but utterly uninteresting to outsiders, I like to pretend I came up with all that stuff on my own. It’s way less pathetic than reality. Have a great week, friends!

Jan. 17: Do what you love

My goal was to blog every day this month, or at least make an effort. It appears that I’ve failed miserably, as it’s been nearly a week since my last post. But I just wasn’t feelin’ it, y’know? Like, I have a list of blog topics for the month, but none of them were screaming “write!” so I didn’t. You’re welcome.

Today, though, I’m feelin’ it. Today I’m feeling feelings about work-related feelings. Or more specifically, job search-related feelings. I’m ready to make a change in how I earn a living, but I don’t know precisely what I want to do. Every once in a while I’ll find a job listing that’s “me,” and this is almost always what happens:

1. This job sounds like something I’m qualified for and would love!
2. I’m super-excited!
3. I need to write a kick-ass cover letter.
4. I can do this.
5. <write write write>
6. Oh, this is gooooood, Jen. Some of your finest work.
7. No way they won’t want to hire you.
8. Except there’s that one qualification you don’t have…
9. Maybe you’re not perfect for the job.
10. Maybe you’re putting way too much effort into this application.
11. They probably already have someone picked out and just have to go through the motions of interviewing.
12. This is probably pointless.
13. Meh.
14. Why didn’t I learn more about __________ when I had the chance?
15. Why didn’t I move to a bigger city?
16. Why did I get a degree that I’m not really using?
17. Why did I bother going to college?
18. Why am I even heeeeere?
19. Sigh.
20. Where’s the Ativan?

If you know anyone who’s looking to pay someone to lay around all day in her jammies and read piles of books, please give them my name. I am totally qualified for that.

Jan. 12: Artists and inspiration

When I signed up at Instagram, I found and followed some of my favorite artists. It wasn’t an intentional effort to make Instagram my go-to place for happiness and cheer on social media, but that’s exactly what has happened. I not only enjoy seeing previews of unreleased projects and glimpses into their personal lives (OMG, Curly Girl’s twins!!), but they’re also a pretty reliable source of inspiration for me in creating my own art.

Mary Engelbreit – her style’s a bit cutesy for me nowadays, so while I don’t decorate around her art, I still appreciate and admire her work. The color! The lettering! Everything is hand-created and shows her incredible talent. On Instagram, ME occasionally shares snarky pieces from her unofficial “Engeldark” line—so unexpected and fun.

Curly Girl Design – I have loved her mixed media art for ages, and was crazy-excited to meet Curly Girl herself (Leigh) when she did a little open house at a gift shop in West Linn a few years back. She autographed a bunch of the stuff Sunshine and I bought—those be treasures.

Kelly Rae Roberts – what a surprise to find that this beloved artist lives in Portland! She sometimes posts photos of works in progress—mixed media is a fascinating process.

Katie Daisy – another Oregonian, Katie creates from the Bend area. Although I like her lettering best, she paints gorgeous shots of nature. Katie also posts lots of pics of her studio and the views from her studio. I think there would be so many more artists in the world if we could see what she does.

Emily McDowell – she does hand-lettering that’s just AMAZING.

Em Dash Paper Co. (Emily Poe-Crawford) – Another hand-letterer, beautiful work.

Robin Plemmons – this woman’s sense of humor is fabulous. I’ve ordered several of her cards for friends, and just recently acquired this piece.

The shipping envelope, hand-addressed by Robin, is a work of art in itself. Would it be weird if I framed that too?

Lisa Kaus – I bought a canvas of hers because it was adorable and the right colors for our bedroom, and THEN searched her up and found out she’s a Portlander too. What is with all these Portland artists??? I know what it is: in the right proportions, Portland weather + Portland coffee + Portland beer + Portland donuts = extraordinarily creative people.

When I find an artist with whom I really connect, I feel like we kinda share part of our souls. And on Instagram, especially, I so enjoy the photos they share as I scroll through my feed every day.

Jan. 9: Choosing joy

About a month ago, I started doing a bit of celebrating in my head, because it’s been five years since I was diagnosed with lymphoma, and four since I was told it was in remission.

From the beginning of the fight in November ‘09, I talked about having a big party once we’d kicked cancer’s big, fat, ugly, hairy ass. That party never happened, for lots of reasons; mostly, though, I didn’t feel like I was completely finished with cancer, y’know? The doctors promised frequent tests for at least two years—they’ve gone on for much longer—and I still have to go to the chemo room every few weeks to have my port flushed. Post-treatment, I never felt the time was right for a big party, or even a small one.

And while it appears that my body continues to be cancer-free, I’ve been told TWICE in the past four years that it wasn’t (lesson learned: scans answers lots of questions, but the facts are in the biopsy results). This has been more than a little bit frustrating, obviously, but it also reminds me that we’re never really DONE with cancer, are we? And I say “we” because regardless of whose body contains the cancer cells, we all fight, we all celebrate, we all mourn. (Except the assholes. They’re just assholes.)

This feeling that cancer has no end is something I never anticipated. During treatment, the goal is remission. It’s the key to everything related to treatment. Remission, remission, remission. People assume that “remission” means “life goes back to normal.” To physicians, though, “remission” actually means “no evidence of disease,” and although they encourage the patient to celebrate this milestone, they do it with the reminder that remission is often temporary.

This is the part that makes me want to say all the swears.

As much I don’t want to live in constant fear of my cancer coming back, I admit that it crosses my mind more than I should let it. I don’t let it interfere with my everyday stuff—that’s been a conscious decision—but when I think toward the future, the possibility of recurrence looms. Thinking that way makes me angry at myself. It makes me angry at my dad for passing his pessimistic traits to me, and it makes me angry at whoever he got his from. Stoopid ancestors! It just makes me angry.

I don’t want to be afraid, and I don’t want to be angry, but it is my nature to be both of those things. CUUUUUURSE MYYYY NAAAAATUUUURE!!

I’m doing my best to push aside fear and anger in favor of joy—it’s a new thing I’m trying this year (I hate the word “resolution,” but that’s exactly what it is). As I anticipate cancer tests coming up later this month, I want to think happy thoughts. Unhappy thoughts make me frowny and mean. Happy thoughts make me… um… happy. Hopeful, even. Happy and hopeful are good.

And if the tests in fact do say “cancer,” I shall fight that cancer. OK, first I’ll say all the swears and get drunk and throw shit, but I will eventually put on my combat boots (fuzzy slippers) and deal with it, like I did so successfully five years ago. Like WE did five years ago. And maybe instead of planning one BIG party, we can just party every time we get a chance? I like that idea.

Just, y’know, do me a favor and don’t ever get cancer, ok? It’s the suckiest thing that ever sucked and sometimes it has a super-sad ending and that sucks even more. Just… don’t. Thanks. :)

Also, feel free to adopt my resolution as your own. I wouldn’t mind being surrounded by joyful people. Just keep the snark. Snarky joy—it’s totally a thing.

Jan. 8: I’ve been everywhere, man.

Have you gotten hooked on Trivia Crack yet? All the cool kids are playing.

What I like most about the game is that Katie and Jack think I’m brilliant because I know so many of the answers. They don’t understand yet that it’s called “trivia” because it’s “trivial.” My brain is so crammed full of useless information that I forget important things like how fractions work and my own middle name. Knowledge is a curse, folks.

Although sports is my worst trivia category, I’m most frustrated when I miss the geography questions. I think it’s because I expect them to be trick questions but most of them aren’t, at least not in the Trivia Crack game. The geography questions also make me realize how little of this world I’ve actually seen. I have NOT been everywhere, man. Prepare to be sad:

• Highest point in the world: Mt. Everest, Nepal (29,035 feet)
  Highest point in the US: Mt. McKinley (Denali), Alaska (20,320 feet)
  Highest point in the lower 48: Mt. Whitney, California (14,495 feet)
  Highest point I’ve ever been (still touching earth): Pikes Peak, Colorado (14,110 feet). I have a picture somewhere of me and Vic in front of the sign at the summit, but Vic’s giant head is covering the “14” so it looks like we scaled a 110-foot mountain. Yaaaay.
• Lowest point in the world: shore of the Dead Sea, Israel/Jordan/Palestine (1,371 feet below sea level)
  Lowest point in the US: Death Valley, California (282 feet below sea level)
  Lowest point I’ve been to: Probably somewhere in California, close-ish to Death Valley. Memorable, obviously.
• Northernmost place in the world: North Pole (duh)
  Northernmost place in the US: Point Barrow, Alaska (71st parallel).
  Northernmost place in the lower 48: Lake of the Woods, Minnesota (49th parallel)
  Northernmost place in the world I’ve been: Amsterdam, The Netherlands (53rd parallel)
  Northernmost place I’ve been in North America: Vancouver, British Columbia (49th parallel)
  Northernmost place I’ve been in the US: Blaine, Washington, or whatever that space between Blaine and the border is called. (48th parallel-ish)
• Southernmost place in the world: South Pole (duh)
  Southernmost place in the US: Ka Lae, Hawaii (Big Island)
  Southernmost place in the lower 48: Key West, Florida
  Southernmost place in the world I’ve been: St. Maarten/St. Martin (the Caribbean).
  Southernmost place in the US I’ve been: We visited the southernmost point of the US in Hawaii (totally violated our car rental contract getting there), and also the one in Florida, which technically isn’t the southernmost point because there’s a military base on land south of the marker, so pfffftt.
• Westernmost point in the US: one of those Alaskan islands. The one Sarah Palin thinks she lives on.
  Westernmost point in the lower 48: Cape Alava, Washington
  Westernmost point in the US I’ve been: Somewhere on the Oregon coast
• Easternmost point in the US: West Quoddy Head, Maine
  Easternmost point in the US I’ve been: An airport around Washington, D.C.
  Easternmost point in the US I’ve actually spent time: Port Canaveral, Florida
• Farthest from home I’ve been: Brussels, Belgium

I would ask you to share your “-est” places but it would just bum me out even more, so keep ‘em to yourself, ok?

Oh, and download the Trivia Crack app. You’ll probably kill me in geography.

Jan. 7: ♫♬ Every step you take ♪♫♪

Like just about everyone else in the world, it seems, we got fitness trackers for Christmas. Steps, exercise, calories burned, sleep quality—all the device’s collected info is really fascinating to follow. On days when I haven’t met my total steps goal by evening, I’ve taken to walking laps inside the house, which confounds and excites Lucy, and which I’ve decided is just like taking her for a walk, but without me having to bundle up for cold and/or wet weather. Win-win.

On work days, Vic meets his total steps goal with no extra effort. I sit a LOT for work, so I typically only meet my goal on days in which I run errands or am otherwise extra-active. I definitely need to add some additional exercise to my daily routine, and maybe spending a little less time with Netflix wouldn’t be the worst idea ever.

I first heard about how fitness trackers are used when I read this piece by David Sedaris, published last summer in The New Yorker, about his experience wearing a FitBit. Reaching his daily goal became an obsession, then increasing that daily goal, and then reaching that goal, etc. Now that I’ve got a tracker, I can easily see how the obsession could happen.

I doubt I’ll get a garbage truck named after me—I have no desire to walk 25+ miles a day and also, trash is icky—but I do enjoy this little accessory and the incentive it gives me to get out of my chair.

Jan. 5: Sharin’ some Etsy love

For some reason, a bunch of the ads shown to me on Facebook and Google lately have been for items with “I love you, a bushel and a peck” printed on them. It’s been ages since I’ve actually searched for anything like that, so why the ads are showing up now is mysterious. Maybe old cookies somehow surfaced? Is that a thing?

But YES, I’ve searched for the phrase before. It’s a song that both my mom and dad used to sing to me—though never at the same time, that I can remember—so it’s especially special to me. In fact, there are only two songs I can think of that both my parents sang over the years; the other is “A, You’re Adorable.”

One of the coolest things about Etsy is being able to find handmade items with semi-obscure phrases or song lyrics. Today I want to share a few of the fun things I’ve found on Etsy, only some of them lyric-related. If you’ve never shopped Etsy before, let this be a very brief intro to the wonderful goodies available there! (Not to mention the beauties of Dear Girl ~ Jewelry with Intention. Ahem.) Click the image to visit the store and get more info on the item pictured.

So, yeah, Etsy is pretty much the best place ever. You’re welcome. :)