Jan. 29: Like your 4th grade self was any better…

‘Member when I told you that my new glasses are just like my old glasses? I finally found a picture of my old glasses:

While it turns out my old glasses are much rounder than my new glasses, they are the same color. But finding this photo brought up additional questions besides WHY DID MY MOM LET ME GET THOSE???, such as:

• WTF has happened to my hair in the past 35 years? I mean, besides having it all fall out and turn grey ‘n stuff. It was totally blond back then! It verged on cute! Can I have my old hair back? You can keep the pink sponge rollers; they totally gave me Dwight Schrute bangs.
• Can I have that perfect skin again too?
• And the denim vest? (You can’t see it, but I remember: it was the cutest denim vest you ever did see, and I knew the day I got it that it’d be PERFECT for my fourth grade school picture. I was oh-so-right, obvy.)
• What’s the deal with that smile?

OK, maybe I couldn’t pull off the denim vest again. I don’t think I’d even want to try. But the skin! Oh, the smooth, smooth skin of 8-year-old Jen. It almost makes up for the ugly glasses.

I know, it doesn’t even come close to making up for the glasses. I was a troll.

Jan. 5: I can see, and it’s a little disconcerting

Right after my first chemo treatment in December 2009, my vision went all wonky. It was fine in the mornings, but got progressively worse throughout every day. I remember going to a holiday program at school and clapping for the wrong short, dark-haired kid because I couldn’t tell which one was Jack. My oncologist said my vision changes had nothing to do with the chemo, but I found all sorts of message boards online where people complained about chemo farking up their vision, so pffft on my oncologist. Everything on the Internet is true.

Because my vision has not been consistently poor, I’ve just lived with it for the past two years. Sometimes it’s bothered me a lot, like when people waved to me in the hallway at school and I had no idea who they were until I was two feet from them, by which time they decided I was totally rude. Oh, and the driving. Drivers should really be able to see where they’re going and the cars they’re about to plow into. I read that somewhere. When I could see.

I put off having my eyes checked for a long time not just because the poor vision came and went, but also because I’ve already had LASIK twice and I don’t want to have it again. Have you smelled that smell of corneas when lasers are cutting them? It’s unpleasant. Ha—that makes it sound tolerable. Anyway, I kinda had to convince myself glasses were an OK option. It took a while.

So I finally saw an eye doctor and got glasses last week and it’s lovely to be able to see things again but today I passed by a mirror and had to stop, back up, and look again because I thought it was my third grade self in the mirror. Well, my third grade self who had grown horribly obese (hey, for a third grader…). I swear to you, my new glasses look exactly like the pair I had in third grade. EXACTLY.

I went through an old photo album tonight, looking for my school picture from that year. If I had found one, I would have drawn ugly curly hair on it and told you it was taken today. AND YOU WOULD HAVE BELIEVED ME.

When I was in sixth grade and had oh-so-sexy new glasses, I scoffed at my first pair. I asked my mom more than once why she ever let me get something so ugly. But now? Now I have no one to blame but myself and maybe the optician lady who said they were a good fit for my face. Her eyes pointed in two different directions, why did I listen to her?

May 7: IDCEAYWTPFriday

Time again for I Don’t Care Enough About You to Write in Transitioning Paragraphs Friday.

• The all-over pain I usually have the week after chemo lasted an extra day this week. It sucked. It’s mostly gone now, though, and I’m feeling less hurt-y and just fatigued. I’m used to that. I can deal with that. The good thing is that I can leave the house without worrying that I will be unnecessarily mean to a perfectly nice person.
• My friend Stephanie is always awesome, but she was even more awesome this week. She invited Jack over for a play date with her son Jayson, one of his best buds since preschool, and brought a tasty dinner for us that night too. LOVING her.
• I spent a good chunk of yesterday processing volunteer applications for the school. I loves me some folk who follow directions. The others? Don’t get me started. They wear me out from all the nagging they make me do. Last night I actually had dreams about the friggin’ volunteer database. Somebody please tell me a good story, one about a life that has nothing to do with school or people who ignore rules or smelly kids or germs. Thank-ee.
• I couldn’t fall asleep until almost 4 a.m. last night/this morning. It might have something to do with all that Coke I drank in the evening. Or the meth.
• I like clear shower curtains because bad guys can’t hide behind them and scare me. However, since they don’t offer much in the way of privacy, I favor a frosted or printed variety—the light and bad guy shadows show through, but they’re less X-rated. However, I think this frosted shower curtain would scare the crap out of me every. single. day.

• My oncologist’s office just called to say my CT/PET scan results “look great.” They always say that, though, even when they know I have to do more chemo. Maybe to them, anything that shows a patient is still alive “looks great.” We’ll get more info on Tuesday afternoon, when we meet with Dr. O to decide what our next step will be. I hope it involves a lot less chemo and a lot more regrowth of hair.
• How much do you love your teen idol? This is the definition of too much.
• This morning I noticed that Jack’s fingernails were crazy-long, like Guinness Record Book-long. Is it bad that I wish he would bite them? At least then it wouldn’t seem like he has a negligent mother.
• Oh, and speaking of the trials of raising a boy, tomorrow we’re going shopping for Jack’s fifth pair of glasses in a year. Why so many? The kid leaves them where they can easily be stepped on… sometimes they get mangled when he crashes his bike... and most recently, he walked too close to a kid on the swings. Oh yes, we are raising a smart, observant boy. But at least he doesn’t bite his fingernails.

Gotta shower and head over to the school. Have a great weekend!

Jan. 27: Who’s the dork?

Yesterday was a teacher in-service day and there was no school, so today was Jack’s first day wearing his new glasses in front of his friends. He was nervous about it; he kept saying he was embarrassed because he looked weird and nerdy. Poor little guy. But what can we do?

This, I guess: just before we went out the door this morning, I knelt down in front of him and said, “I think you look really cool. Those glasses are awesome.”

He rolled his eyes a little but looked like he believed me. And as I hugged him, I thought “Great, I’ve turned into Milhouse’s mom.” I’m not suggesting he’s Milhouse, but I am definitely Luann.

[sigh]

Jan. 25: Mr. Magoo

How old were you when you first needed glasses? Did you dread the idea, or were you excited?

I got glasses when I was in second grade. I remember being mostly indifferent about them; I didn’t love the way they looked, but I thought seeing the chalkboard and TV more clearly was pretty cool. I got contacts in tenth grade and had LASIK a couple years ago.

Vic got glasses in fourth grade. He was like me: not thrilled, but he knew he needed them. He’s worn contacts occasionally since then but his allergies make them uncomfortable a good portion of the year. He wants to get LASIK but I won’t let him because I’m almost positive his eyes go crossed when he’s not wearing his glasses.

Nowadays Harry Potter and stylish glasses for kids have certainly helped with the nerd factor of wearing glasses. Right? I know Ashleigh Banfield and Tina Fey changed it for women…

Jack’s teacher mentioned at his conference a couple months ago that he might need glasses. Good parents we are, we kept forgetting to take him in for an eye exam. Yesterday was the big day. The verdict? The poor boy has inherited his parents’ vision.