Mar. 22: Reverend Jen

As a reverend of Universal Life Church, I have committed to this doctrine: “Do only that which is right.”

I like to think I follow it pretty well, but sometimes it’s tricky because what is “right” to me is not necessarily “right” to others. Like, if I’m late to a meeting and don’t want to wait in line at Starbucks, it’s “right” for me to cut in front of everyone else. By all the yelling, though, I’m pretty sure the other people in line don’t think I’m “right” to do that.

Whatev. I’m following my church doctrine, folks.

My husband does not, even for a second, respect my title. In fact, he says I’m nothing without a following. This, my friends, is how cults get started: a dare from a spouse.

When I mention it at parties—how I’m going to start my own religion and I need church members—I get all sorts of promises from my friends to join my church. It might be the alcohol talking, but I like their promises, so my second church doctrine will be “Alcohol.” How’s that for rules?

1. Do only that which is right.
2. Alcohol.

I know, I know. You want to sign up right now.

Today’s post at AndyRossComedy.com was especially interesting to me because it’s all about his journey through one religion after another until he started his own. I think he’s really onto something with his guidelines:

- We don’t really have any dietary restrictions. Although, we do try to avoid olives and capers, just because they’re gross. Also, if someone wants sun-dried tomatoes on a pizza, we insist on extra cheese.

- We only pray when we want a new iPad, or when we’re late for a job interview.

- Our Sabbath falls on whichever day of the week is the sunniest. On that day, we hammock.

- We don’t believe in Heaven, but we do believe in Vietnamese sandwiches. So, close.

- We wear special magic underwear that makes our ass look great in these jeans.

- We do not believe in speaking aloud God’s real name, which is Henry F. Gunderson. OH NO!

- We believe in a strict separation of duties between the sexes. Only men shall perform card tricks; only women shall tie balloon animals.

- Reincarnation gets a solid “maybe” to “why not?”

- We do not believe in free will, as evidenced by this empty bag of potato chips.

- Our most sacred animal is the giraffe, because we thought we’d try to bolster its self confidence.

- We bury our dead in their most comfortable pajamas.

- We enjoy the occasional Agatha Christie novel.

Other than that, there aren’t many more rules to my religion—just another four hundred or so. But, most of those pertain to hammock etiquette.

I have strong feelings about olives and capers—I like them—so I can’t drop my dream of starting my own cult religion and just join Andy’s. That there’s a deal-breaker. Dang. But it’s got the wheels turning in my head…