Showing posts with label unwanted facial hair. Show all posts
Showing posts with label unwanted facial hair. Show all posts

Oct. 6: My new part is a port

My port placement surgery that was originally scheduled for tomorrow afternoon was moved to tomorrow morning instead. This is mostly a good thing—I like the idea of getting it over with earlier in the day, not having to go as many hours (awake) without coffee, and getting home before evening. The disadvantage is that I have to check in at the hospital before the kids have to leave for school, Victor won’t be off work until long after I’m ready to leave (probably), and the things I planned to do in the morning are going to have to wait.

However, I’m so glad I’ll have this port for next Tuesday’s chemo, I don’t mind so much that the schedule got all farked up. Look at me, bein’ all flexible and not worked up over something out of my control! I’m like a new woman! Or maybe I’m not the same woman at all! Maybe I’m a totally different person, just faking my way around here as Jen. Hmmm…

The surgeon gave me all the details about the surgery, and it sounds relatively simple. I’ll be put in “conscious sedation,” so I won’t remember anything during the surgery itself, but will wake up pretty easily. After some time in the recovery room, they’ll put me in short stay until they feel I’m ready to leave. The risks are small; there’s a very small chance he could poke my lung, which would necessitate several days in the hospital. That’d be a darn shame, huh, having an excuse to sleep and not much else for a few days? Yeah, I sure hope THAT doesn’t happen.

If for any reason I have to be sedated for a long period of time, which one of you is going to pluck my chin hairs? I’m thinking I could rely on Sunshine or Kim F’n for that. I can, right, girls? You wouldn’t let me grow a beard in the hospital, would you? Forget the deflated lung and sepsis and staph infection. UNWANTED FACIAL HAIR DOESN’T JUST FALL OUT ON ITS OWN.

Until I feel like blogging again, remember that I love you best. Yes, YOU.

Jun. 29: Someone’s in trouble

Guess what I plucked out of my neck this morning?

Yes, that is a hair, and it is not a cat hair. It is also not a dog hair. It is a Jen hair. It is a hair that was growing out of my neck. It is a hair that was completely, totally, OBVIOUSLY visible for as long as it took to grow, which has to have been about three weeks. And not a single one of you said anything. Do you all hate me that much? Really?

I can understand if you didn’t see the hair when it first sprouted; it was light and probably fine enough that it was not readily visible. But as soon as it got longer and turned dark, well, there’s no excuse for that at all. I’ve seen a lot of people in the past few days, and there are many who should have said something. But did they? No. They just went on their merry way, giggling about Jen’s long neck hair and probably telling everyone they knew.

Because that’s what I would do if I saw a hair growing on your neck but didn’t want to tell you.

Here are the people who could be responsible:

  1. Victor. As I’ve said before, what’s the point of being married if your spouse won’t tell you when you have a thick, wavy black hair growing out of your neck? COME ON.
  2. Katie. The girl notices everything. What gives, Girl?
  3. Jack. He notices nothing.
  4. April. I’m gonna give her the excuse of having sat on the right side of me for much of the weekend—the hair was on the left side of my neck—so she’s out of the blame game. Unless she makes me mad; then she’s totally back in.
  5. Kathy. She was too busy running a half marathon. Normally I would count on her to alert me to hair growing out of my neck, but I’m letting her off this time. Cuz I’m a good baby seester.
  6. Brenda. Too nice. Wouldn’t say so if she saw it.
  7. Sean. Probably didn’t notice.
  8. That waitress at Cheesecake Factory. What a wench. I know she saw.
  9. Pamela Ribon. WTF, Pamie? I thought we were friends.
  10. Jim Sharon. He was too busy being jealous of the hair on my head, I guess.
  11. Kim F’n. She sat across from me at lunch yesterday, and I’m sure if her eyes weren’t so frosted over with LOVE, she would have noticed.
  12. Sherilee. She gets the same pardon as April; she sat to the right of me at lunch yesterday. But during dessert at Mio Gelato? Out in the sun? I guess she was too busy worrying about whether there was water at her house. Like that matters.

Whether I excuse you or not, I think y’all owe me an explanation. Or can we at least make an agreement that in the future, you will always always ALWAYS tell me if you see a hair thick as a tree trunk growing out of my neck? Please?

Dec. 2: ‘Twas a hair day

More than 24 hours after chemo finished yesterday, I still haven’t lost any hair. Maybe it won’t happen. Ya think there’s any chance of that? Maybe I’ll be one of those follicle-resistant types?

Today I met up with three of my favorite peeps—Random Sunshine™, Loveliest Lori, and Kim F’n—for some wig shopping fun. Unfortunately, Random Sunshine™ had to leave early (stoopid responsibility called), but it might have been best because the wig shop would have been way crowded if all of us had been there. However, we did all have a nice lunch together with funny stories and Facebook friend gossip—if you felt your ears burning this afternoon, it was all because of us.

I found the wig shop in the phone directory and knew nothing about it. Having never been wig shopping, I’m not sure any of us knew what to expect anyway. When we pulled into the parking lot and saw it shared store space with one of those payday loan places with bars on the windows, we were ready to turn around. Lori made Kim run in to check it out, and Kim deemed it safe because “there were three ladies in there.” Kim’s safety standards might be kinda low. ‘Specially because one of the ladies looked like this:

Just a word of advice to wig shop employees: if you’re wearing a wig, you’re advertising what you’re selling and IT SHOULD FRIGGIN’ FIT.

I’m being a little unfair, though, because both women who helped us were really quite nice. When we first walked in and they asked why we were looking for wigs, Lori said, “chemotherapy,” and one of the ladies goes, “oh, shee-it!” As though we were the first ones who ever needed a wig for such a thing. Or maybe she thought we were all much too beautiful to lose our hair. Or maybe she just thought Lori was.

The girls helped me pick out a few wigs that were close to my natural color and current length, and the wig expert ladies used a lot of terminology that meant nothing to us. The weirdest thing to me was how they all felt like Barbie hair. Well, that, and how every wig looked super mullet-y when I first put it on. Wigs are just strange.

We all agreed on one that is a little longer than my current length, straight, and with bangs. I’ll probably have my hairdresser trim it up a little but otherwise it’s pretty cute as it is. They also offered us a free choice from a bin in which former cancer patients have donated back their wigs. Sketchy sounding, no? But apparently they’d all been cleaned well. They wouldn’t let me try any on, so we just looked for the ones NOT marked “pixie” and grabbed. When I got home and tried it, I was surprised—it was totally cute, and I like it almost better than the one I paid for.

Loveliest Lori also bought me two newsboy hats. I think she’s going to want to borrow them. They’re very cute. Thank you, Loveliest Lori! And thank you for lunch, too!

When I got home, I found another new surprise for my head: Fancy Lori™ had brought over a hat she knitted for me! It’s my favorite shade of red with little bits of other colors here and there, and I LOVE it. Way better than that weird grey thing the nurses shoved in my hands yesterday. It’ll be perfect for those days when I don’t feel like wiggin’ it up and just want to cover my dented, scarred head. Thank you, Fancy Lori™!

I have to admit, the wig shopping—as fun as the idea was—kinda bummed me out. It was just another view into this new reality ahead. Me no likey. It’d have been way funner if it hadn’t been necessary. (And yes, I just used “funner” as though it’s a real word.)

I’ll lose my eyebrows, my eye lashes… what do you wanna bet that the only hair that hangs on is the big, coarse black one that periodically grows out of my neck? The one that, several winters ago when I frequently wore turtlenecks, was long enough to wrap around my finger by the time I finally noticed it? That one. It’s a stubborn little sucker.

But then, so am I.

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Apr. 17: Plinky ~ Here on Jennifer’s Isle

Today’s Plinky prompt:

You're stuck on an island with plenty of food, a companion, and a relatively stress-free lifestyle. What do you do when the rescue ship comes?

Explain your choice.

Vacationing is one thing; being stranded is something entirely different. If it’s been a week, I might ask the rescue ship to hang out for a little while so I can do some more chillaxin’. If it’s been a few months or years, though, I’d hop right aboard and ask them to get me the latest People magazine and the nearest brow waxer. And yeah, I’d prob’ly want to see my kids too, assuming Victor had been my island companion all that time.

What would you do?

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Mar. 29: Three wishes

Darlene and Wellington toured the Holy Lands on their last vacation and brought back some neat little souvenirs for the kids. Jack got a cool tablecloth turban—we’re now calling him “Yasser”—and Katie got a beaded headpiece that makes her look like the Vegas diva version of The Lady of the Lake in Spamalot (I am totally stealing that headpiece). They also each got a small brass genie’s lamp, which comes complete with three wishes. Or so I have led them to believe…

Jack’s three wishes:

  1. genielampI wish I could be rich so I can have all the Legos
  2. I wish my mom and dad would let me do whatever I want
  3. I wish there was never school

Katie’s three wishes:

  1. I wish I had a hamster
  2. [glaring at Jack] I wish I was an only child
  3. I wish I had all the money in the world

They asked what my wishes would be and when I said one of them was “world peace,” Katie shrugged her shoulders and walked off. Apparently world peace benefits her in no way whatsoever.

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Nov. 28: Not-so-beautiful Kathleen

I was making a photo gift for a family member this morning, and it took me forever to find a picture where my seester didn't look better than me. In every one of them her hair looks better, or her clothes are cuter, or she has boobies. But I found this one--totally unedited, because I would never do anything to make her look bad--and I think that, while I may not look better than she does, she's not looking her best.



There is absolutely no reason for this post. I would never write up a stupid excuse to share a less-than-perfecto picture of the Kath. I'm not that type of leetle seester. I'm a nice leetle seester who just has a teensy anger problem when it comes to family photos.

Aug. 18: Where're the tweezers?

Riddle me this. What good is being married if your husband doesn't tell you when you have a big black hair growing out of your neck? Hm?

...hypothetically speaking, of course...


—Jen

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