Guess what I plucked out of my neck this morning?
Yes, that is a hair, and it is not a cat hair. It is also not a dog hair. It is a Jen hair. It is a hair that was growing out of my neck. It is a hair that was completely, totally, OBVIOUSLY visible for as long as it took to grow, which has to have been about three weeks. And not a single one of you said anything. Do you all hate me that much? Really?
I can understand if you didn’t see the hair when it first sprouted; it was light and probably fine enough that it was not readily visible. But as soon as it got longer and turned dark, well, there’s no excuse for that at all. I’ve seen a lot of people in the past few days, and there are many who should have said something. But did they? No. They just went on their merry way, giggling about Jen’s long neck hair and probably telling everyone they knew.
Because that’s what I would do if I saw a hair growing on your neck but didn’t want to tell you.
Here are the people who could be responsible:
- Victor. As I’ve said before, what’s the point of being married if your spouse won’t tell you when you have a thick, wavy black hair growing out of your neck? COME ON.
- Katie. The girl notices everything. What gives, Girl?
- Jack. He notices nothing.
- April. I’m gonna give her the excuse of having sat on the right side of me for much of the weekend—the hair was on the left side of my neck—so she’s out of the blame game. Unless she makes me mad; then she’s totally back in.
- Kathy. She was too busy running a half marathon. Normally I would count on her to alert me to hair growing out of my neck, but I’m letting her off this time. Cuz I’m a good baby seester.
- Brenda. Too nice. Wouldn’t say so if she saw it.
- Sean. Probably didn’t notice.
- That waitress at Cheesecake Factory. What a wench. I know she saw.
- Pamela Ribon. WTF, Pamie? I thought we were friends.
- Jim Sharon. He was too busy being jealous of the hair on my head, I guess.
- Kim F’n. She sat across from me at lunch yesterday, and I’m sure if her eyes weren’t so frosted over with LOVE, she would have noticed.
- Sherilee. She gets the same pardon as April; she sat to the right of me at lunch yesterday. But during dessert at Mio Gelato? Out in the sun? I guess she was too busy worrying about whether there was water at her house. Like that matters.
Whether I excuse you or not, I think y’all owe me an explanation. Or can we at least make an agreement that in the future, you will always always ALWAYS tell me if you see a hair thick as a tree trunk growing out of my neck? Please?