With Halloween approaching, you’re probably needing some advice before you go shopping for the candy you’ll hand out to trick-or-treaters. It says so much about the family you are, doesn’t it? No? Maybe?
Here’s a helpful chart of candy hierarchy from boingboing.net:
1. Note that many candies still await placement: York Peppermint Patties, Luna Bars, Reese's Pieces, residue from old paint cans, and Skittles, among others.
2. These may be rolled to a friend.
3. Whoppers blow.
4. Still no unanimous decision on the placement of Candy Corn, which as of 2006 remained unclassified, but as of 2007 had been tentatively placed in the Upper Chewy/Upper Devonian. 2008: no sighting.
5. Unless it's something caramel, pronounced "caramel."
6. Remains an outlier, since it is in no way "chewy." Further studies have not resolved this inconsistency.
7. Yet some would be just as well to be left off. Bit-o-Honey, for example, might be called a lower tier member, but why bother? It says to your trick-or-treaters, "Here, I don't care, just take this." The lesson of Bit-o-Honey is: you lose. Goo Goo clusters, too. You're making a social statement--"I hate you and everything you represent"--when you give these out.
As you can imagine, not everyone agrees with this hierarchy. The comments to this post are pretty good. These are my comments (because I know you were waiting, dying to know what I think):
- The only reason I would ever eat a Twix is if I was doing the whole George-slowly-going-insane routine from The Dealership episode of Seinfeld. Not a fan of Twix, or really any candy bar with the cookie crunch.
- Reggie Jackson bar? WTF?
- Whoppers do blow.
- Jolly Ranchers in the third tier? Unless they’re green apple or FIRE, they’re trash.
- Almond Joys should be higher than third tier. And they’re totally healthy because there’s fruit in them. AND there’s a nut. Health food.
- A lot of the candy in the bottom tier is stuff I like—non-messy, non-melting treats to eat while I’m at my desk. Smarties are perfect for that. I won’t argue for any of those to go up in the hierarchy, though—I know they’re “meh” compared to the good stuff.
- Debi and I decided long ago that “those odd marshmallow circus peanut things” are what they serve for every dessert on the Wal-Mart cruise line.
- Now ‘n Laters on the lowest tier? That’s funny. I used to love them, but nowadays I really only like a couple flavors. They’re also really bad for expensive dental work. They probably belong that low on the list.
When I took Katie trick-or-treating on our street for her second Halloween, a guy at one house was chuckling at how she so obviously did NOT understand the concept. I said it was better than the big kids, who T-o-T with pillowcases and don’t even bother to dress up. The guy said, “Oh, that’s why I have these!” and he showed me a bowl behind the door that was full of really crappy bubble gum—not Bazooka or a brand anyone’s ever heard of; it was truly nasty stuff. I thought that was a great idea, and I’ve had a small bowl of that stuff next to the good candy every year since.