Mar. 10: 85 years ≠ mature

A sentence I never thought I'd find the need to say:
Nana's a bitch.

Oh, yes, it's true. The Nana Saga™ continues. My grandma replied to my letter, which she wrote on the back of mine because God forbid she let me think I'm worth a clean sheet of paper:

---

Jen - it wasn't that I was tired of paying a cell phone bill - that had nothing to do with it.

It is that I am very hurt - when you and Vic are here - you both have nothing to do with me - Especially you - Jen. It really hurts me - because I feel like I have been a very good Grandma. When you kids come here to your moms for a visit - you and Vic completely ignore me. It is as though you want nothing to do with me. It really hurts deeply [underlined three times]. So therefore I wanted to hurt you. You know - "pay back time." If you still want nothing to do with me let your mother know, then I will not come around. But to completely ignore me, I don't understand what is going on and why?? Especially when I don't know what I have done to - that makes you ignore me!!

Here is your check - and I will continue to send it until Jan. of 09.

Love Grandma

---

WTF? Isn't someone that's lived 85 years supposed to be more grown-up than this? How is not paying a bill going to hurt me as much as I've supposedly hurt her? As for being a good grandma, I don't know... I'm not totally sure what being a good grandma entails but I'm pretty sure it doesn't involve calling your granddaughters bitches (separate but unforgettable moments from long ago).

Did I avoid her at Christmastime? I certainly wanted to. She was being so pissy to my mom when we got there that I really didn't want to have anything to do with her. But no, I never ignored her and, in fact, talked to her many times. And Vic! He's like her friggin' waiter when she's around (what's he trying to prove anyway???), so why is she lumping him into her whole "poor Grandma!" thing? But really, what makes this accusation so crazy is that every time we saw Grandma at Christmastime, there were 5-16 other people and/or needy dogs around. How are we supposed to constantly single her out in that kind of chaos? How are we supposed to know that she's unhappy about the amount of attention she's getting? If I had found her crying in a corner then YES, I would have gotten the hint. But the old bag was right in the middle of everything and appeared happy as an ass clown. Somehow she has re-created these events in her mind to make me Big Mean Jen.

This woman has decided she suddenly hates my mom's friend Donna—who's been like a daughter to her for a good 50 years—because Donna made a comment to one of Grandma's doctors that necessitated an extra medical test. Never mind that it was going to be done anyway; Grandma's convinced that Donna is pure evil and has not one nice thing to say about her anymore.

Grandma has always liked Kathy more than me, which has been totally obvious but does not matter to or hurt me a bit. But they haven't spoken in weeks. Grandma accused our mom of turning Kathy against her; I'm pretty sure she did that all on her own.

She's mad at one of Kathy's sons for not returning her calls. Never mind that she's never actually called him.

It's time for Grandma to die and she must know it. She's alienating everyone who ever cared about her. I betchoo my uncle Paul is the next one on her list. I mean, it makes sense: he's a perfectly nice person, he does her bidding, and he puts up with her. Yup. He's next.

What possible good will it do for me to respond to this latest accusation? No matter how I try to explain my bad granddaughter-ness, she'll believe what she wants. I think I'll just sit back and watch for my $13 checks every whenever-she-feels-like-sending-them.

Gah.

Mar. 10: My not-powerful blog

The other day I wrote a great post about shoes with severed feet in them washing up on the coast of Alaska. Doesn't it sound like it was probably fabulous? And if Blogger hadn't crashed briefly that day you would have been able to read it. Curse Blogger!

I didn't try to re-write the post after I lost it because that level of genius must be spontaneous. I'm sure you understand.

So today I'm writing a much less brilliant combination of words to send you to The Observer's list of 50 most powerful blogs. Don't bother looking for Stuff Jen Says on the list. It's not there. I should be devastated. I am not.   ...sob!

Mar. 6: Kitty movie

For your viewing pleasure, here's another one of the cat cartoons. See the earlier one here.

Mar. 5: Grandma exercised?

Once upon a time my grandma had both her legs and enrolled in an aerobics class. Kathy and I found the image of Grandma doing leg thrusts both terrifying and hilarious, and Kathy even wrote a little poem about it. Tonight I ran across this poem (dated 1992) while going through some files. This is just too good to keep to myself, and I don't think Kathy's seen it since she sent it to me.

Grandma's Aerobics Alphabet

A is for AORTA, the shock absorber of the body

E is for the ENERGY I had before I got here

R is for the time that is RUNNING out of my life (so why the hell am I wasting it exercising?)

O is for the OLD folks around me that make me look so young

B is for the BIG Mac I'm going to eat as soon as I leave this torture chamber

I is for the INVALID I feel each minute I'm becoming

C is for the CATARACT I just received from that 80-year-old bitch doing jumping jacks next to me

S is for SEVENTY, the age I never thought I'd be.

Suffice it to say that Grandma had a sense of humor back then. Nowadays she'd find a way to turn this into all of us being against her. Forget that Kathy did this all on her own; we're ALL evil.

Meh. *I* appreciate your talents, Kath.

Mar. 5: "The Office" links

I love The Office. I love the British version and the American one too. I love that now they show old episodes on TBS on Tuesday nights. I love that I can watch the British ones on BBC America and OnDemand. I love that there will be more new episodes soon on NBC now that the writers' strike is over. Hooray for The Office.

During the first season of the American version I read that the actors have working computers with Internet connections at their desks so they can look like they're busy in the backgrounds of scenes being filmed. A bunch of them created MySpace pages and started blogging while filming. I subscribed to a bunch of their blogs; Pam/Jenna is one that writes pretty regularly. I found out about Kino sandals from her blog and got some for me and Kathy in Key West last year (can't speak for Kathy, but I looove mine). Angela writes about shopping at Target and doing publicity for the show. It's fun to read how normal these people can be--which makes sense, I guess, since many were not well-known before starring on this wildly popular series--and how starstruck and excited they are to go on talk shows and meet other actors. Anyway, you can find links to other actors' MySpace pages if you look at Pam and Angela's friends lists. TV Guide has one written by Kate Flannery (Meredith).

There are also lots of blogs wherein the actor (or somebody pretending to be them) writes as the character they play on the show. Last night on one of the TBS episodes Creed talked about his blog--which Ryan quickly confirmed was fake--found at "w-w-w-dot-creedthoughts-dot-gov-dot-w-w-w-backslash-creedthoughts." Yes, it's clearly a fake address but there is actually a Creed blog out there. It's as bizarre as you would expect anything from Creed to be.

NBC publishes the hilarious Schrute-Space, Dwight's blog (how can it miss with posts like "Beets and Me"???). Here's a fake Dunder-Mifflin site. Don't miss the newsletters. And Dunder-Mifflin Infinity is entertaining too.

Of course, there are loads of fan sites out there too. The Office Quotes has--you guessed it--quotes from the show. OfficeTally has news and info related to the show and its stars. It overlaps quite a bit with what you'll find at Life in the Office. A Google search will turn up countless more sites, but these are the big ones.

It's a great show, wouldn't you agree? My friend Alisa and I used to quote it to each other on Fridays, or text back and forth during the episodes. Whether you've worked in an office or not, if you know anyone that's a little "off," you can relate in some way. I can hardly wait for the new episodes next month.

Mar. 4: Dad's day

Today’s my dad’s birthday. I miss him every day, but today he’s on my mind more than usual. I try not to think about how we would have had him over for brunch last weekend. I would have given him a funny card that he would have pretended wasn’t one bit amusing. He would have hung around for about five minutes after dessert and then made an excuse to get back home. Dad was not one to relax at other people’s homes, although he was better about it if there were kids he could play with and/or tease.

It’s hard for me to picture him with my kids now. I mean, they were 3 and 5 when he died, so they’ve changed a lot. I’m sure Jack would proudly show off his Lego creations. Katie would read to him, maybe draw. She always liked to play games with him, and he didn’t put up too much of a fight when she brought out one after another. Seems like lots of the pictures I have of Dad with Katie and Jack, he’s doing some kind of kid activity with them that I don’t remember him ever doing with me.

Dad worked with me on learning to ride my bike without training wheels. He occasionally played board games with us. But the “games” I remember most were rock-paper-scissors (he was ruthless) and 52-card pickup. Not the most precious of my Dad memories.

He taught me how to wash a car. I kick ASS at washing cars, and I love to do it. In fact, even though I appreciate Vic’s efforts when he washes my car for me, he’s not nearly as precise as I am and usually gets teased about it (and then he threatens to be more like my dad in ALL ways of life and then I shut up).

Dad also taught me about painting and I proudly admit to being a total paint snob because of it. So far almost every time I’ve gone against his advice I’ve regretted it. I learned about the importance of primer, of good brushes, of cleanup and preserving. He taught me why it’s a good idea to mark cans with the date and what room was painted instead of having cans of “mystery paint” stacked in the garage for 25 years.

I could go on and on and on. The man certainly left his mark, for better or worse. Even so, I’d give anything not to have had to say good-bye to him in 2005.

Happy birthday, Dad. You are loved, and you are remembered, today and always.

Mar. 3: Mom's new guy

My mom rescued a shepherd mix puppy today! He needs a name. She already made the mistake of asking Katie and Jack for ideas; so far Jack has suggested Brownie, Chocolatey, and all of the Star Wars characters. I'm pretty sure Mom wants to go with something a little more imaginative and/or less Star Wars-y. Help her out! Share your ideas in a comment.

Here's his pic for inspiration:



By the way, Mom, Kathy and I have veto power over names like "Little One" and "Kitters." Let's not make that kind of mistake again, mmkay?

Mar. 3: Nana Saga follow-up

I wrote a response to my grandma's meanie letter right after I received it, but I held off sending it until today. First, I wanted to give her time to come down from that psychotic state she's been in (no, I don't mean Oregon. Ha! I'm hilare!). I also wanted to give myself a bit of time to write with reason instead of pissed-off-edness. What resulted might just be the boringest letter anyone's ever written or read.

Grandma,

I’m sorry you’re tired of paying for your cell phone. But just like any bill, you can’t just stop paying it. You are on a two-year service contract that does not end until January 2009.

You said you have been paying for the phone for three years, but that is wrong. You have only had your cell phone since January 2007. I remember we gave it to you when Kathy was visiting, just before you moved to Medford last year.

Before we put you on our AT&T account, our bill was $50/month. With your phone, it’s $63. We added you to our plan so you could have a cell phone and it would be less expensive for you. If you were to get your own plan, it would cost you $30/month or more.

You have two options:
1. You can continue to use your cell phone and pay $13/month until the end of your contract (January 2009).
2. You can have your cell phone service shut off and pay the $250 that AT&T will charge you for cancelling your contract before January 2009.

If you use the phone, you have to pay for the service. For safety reasons, I don’t think any of us want you to get rid of your cell phone, but that’s up to you.

--Jen

The early cancellation penalty amount? I pulled it right from my arse. I wasn't about to waste my time digging up the actual number.

Here are Grandma's possible reactions to my letter.

1. She'll be even more pissed, still refuse to pay, and yell at my mom.
   
2. She'll finally understand the facts but will still insist she's paid enough and then yell at my mom.
   
3. She'll understand the facts and start sending me checks again, though they'll be written to "Jennifer Bitch Monalong," and she'll yell at my mom.
   
4. She'll notice that I printed the letter in a 14-point font on pretty lavender paper and be so grateful that she didn't have to decipher my handwriting that she'll start sending me checks for no good reason at all. Kathy too. And then she'll find another reason to yell at my mom.
   
5. She'll inhale the anthrax with which I so thoughtfully powdered the letter and croak. But first, with her last bit of strength, she'll dial that cell phone and yell at my mom.

I love you, Mom, and I'm sorry you're gonna get yelled at.

Place your bets now...

Mar. 2: To tell the truth

For anyone who thought I was joking in my Christmas letter about making bail, click the image below for proof. See? I told you! I am not a liar! I may be a communist, a pig, an idiot, and a liar, but I am not a porn star!



Yes, I too am wondering why I'm sorta proud of this.

Mar. 1: Gwennie's 2!

Today is my favorite two-year-old's birthday! Gwendolyn Nelson is celebrating her big day at home with the people that love her most (not including me). She is such a funny little monkey; I think the words "bright joy" describe her perfectly.

Bright Joy

On your birthday,
I’m thinking about how much light and sparkle
you freely dispense wherever you go,
how your sunny smile lights up any gathering.
Every birthday marks another year
of you radiating positive, happy energy,
contagious happiness
that infects all who come in contact with you.
May your next birthday find you the same--
glowing from within,
beaming bright joy on everyone you meet.
I feel blessed to know you.
(by Joanna Fuchs)

I love you, sweet girl! Happy birthday from "Auntie" Jen!