Jul. 4: Currently

Happy 4th of July!

I’ve been doing a Daybook post semi-regularly for a while now, but half the time I can’t think of anything to write and I delete sections and then forget to add them back in the next week and basically, I’ve totally farked up the Daybook as it was meant to be. Today, I’m giving this variation a try. I found it on Pinterest (of course).

Currently…

1. listening

I’m listening to the dogs snoring. I keep humming, which is driving me crazy—I swear, it’s involuntary. Birds are making noise outside. OK, I can’t take the humming anymore; Pandora it is. No noise from the kids this morning, since they’re at G&G’s. Their cousin is there for a week or so, and I’ve seen very little of Katie since Julianne arrived. Katie is the biggest Julianne fan EVER, obvy. Heck, even Jack likes Julianne. I know, I can’t believe it either.

2. eating

I’m not eating anything right at the moment. When it’s time—and I know you care—I’ll be eating cereal. Mmmmm. You are jealous.

Yesterday, however, we had a delicious lunch over at Vic’s parents’ house. Burgers, ribs, homemade potato salad, beans, corn on the cob, pink lemonade… it was perfect. If Vic wasn’t working today we all would’ve gathered for lunch today instead, like normal Americans.

3. drinking

I just finished drinking a huge mug of coffee.

Oh, speaking of drinking, I need your opinion. The other night Vic came home with tonic water, limes, rum, and Sunny D. He added this to our already very well-stocked liquor cabinet shelf. Is he making it easier than ever for me to get my drink on, and if so, why?

OK, never mind. I know why.

4. wearing

I’m wearing yoga pants and a tank top right now. It’s a shocking change from absolutely nothing.

5. feeling

I woke up with the cat on my head, so I’m feeling a little cat-stabby. Waking to a beautiful blue sky is the perfect remedy, though—and honestly, I love the kitty’s loud purr, though less when it’s accompanied by her claws kneading my scalp. And now that I’ve been up for a several hours—I’m a slow waker-upper—I’m feeling eager to getting things accomplished today. I already went through the week’s mail, did some organizing downstairs, and now I’m working on things in my office. I’ll continue being productive, I think, unless I get on Pinterest. I can get lost in Pinterest for hours. Pinterest is the devil.

6. weather

Along with the beautiful blue sky, the forecast says we’ll get to 82° today. Portland frequently has sucky weather for 4th of July, so this is a nice little surprise. Good weather for pulling weeds in the front yard too—that’s the excuse I’m going to use to spend an extended period of time out in this weather perfection.

7. wanting

I am really, really wanting a vacation—a real one, involving an airport. Right now I don’t want anything else. Maybe a cookie, but mostly a vacation.

8. needing

I am seriously needing to punch some people—specific ones—in the face. Repeatedly.

9. thinking

I’m thinking it’s time to stop writing. I need to tackle my list of projects and spend time in the sunshine. Just one more thing…

10. enjoying

Last night we watched Up in the Air and enjoyed it very much. Like my post about The Hangover the other day, we’re way behind everyone else seeing this movie, so I’m not going to be THAT dork by going on and on about it.

Divine has sweet coconut frozen yogurt right now! I love that stuff. I’d love to enjoy it a lot more than I should.

In closing, here’s a visual of things in my brain these days:

Have a fab holiday.

Aug. 16: Loneliness

Millie loves that Mom’s giant, noisy Gilly has finally gone home, but I think she’s kinda sad that Katie went with them. She’s been napping on Katie’s bed, and if the bedroom door is closed, she cries until someone opens it. I think I know a sweet little kitty who misses her favorite girl.

Mom and Dad are missing Katie too, of course. And he’d probably never admit it, but even Jack seems a little lonely without his big sis around.

Jul. 17: Ding-dong

Victor thought of a good way to keep Millie from (successfully) hunting birds. The little jingle bell on her collar obviously isn’t giving the birds enough warning before she strikes, so he suggested we put a big ol’ cowbell on her. Sure, she’ll have to keep that little neck of hers UP so the bell doesn’t drag on the ground. But she’ll adjust. Stalk away, kitty! Just ignore the birds’ mocking laughter.

I married a genius. An idea man. A problem solver. A guy who gets things done.

Jul. 16: Close call

Millie is on the hunt again. This morning she caught a birds’ nest. I assume she was going for the bird and missed, but thought the consolation prize was worth bringing home. Again, she was proud proud proud, as evidenced by the photos I snapped before cleaning up the mess.

 

OK, I haven’t actually cleaned up the mess yet because she’s still rolling around in it. But I totally will.

Jul. 15: Pain and suffering

A couple weeks ago I posed a question about what to do with three goldfish that we no longer wanted. I haven’t reported on the outcome of that decision, and I probably should, lest you think the worst of me. First,  let me say that I appreciate the advice you offered. Lovely Lori H and her family adopted one of our goldfish, and he seems happy in his new home, though perhaps a bit blinded by the light streaming through their tank’s clear walls.

As for the other two fish, they’re still in our even greener aquarium. We’re still feeding them every day. We still have not made a decision about their future. Neither of us feel good about flushing them live, but we don’t like the idea of buying a new tank, either, which is the only way we can keep them for the long term. Anyone want two very cute and lively goldfish? One is all orange and the other is white. Lovely Lori H took the sexy black mohawked fishie.

I bring up this “dilemma” topic again, not because I felt the need to follow up; I am not nearly that conscientious. Rather, we were faced with a similar ethical emergency this evening and unsure of how it should best be handled. Here it is:

The cat brought home a little bird tonight. It was her second one; the first one was a few weeks ago and we distracted her and took it away immediately. Tonight’s bird, though, was still alive. Not just alive, but suffering—it was bloody and struggling to breathe—and Millie wasn’t done playing with it yet. She was upset when I carried her into the other room while Vic scooped the bird into a bag, and for the past hour has been walking around crying because she can’t find her peeping toy. She doesn’t seem to suspect us, though—she’s not crying AT us, but NEAR us.

In such a situation, what is the most humane thing to do with the bird? If it’s still alive but can’t be made well again, do we put it out of its misery? And if that’s what we chose to do, how exactly would that best be done? A shoe? A BB gun? The cat?

Y’know that very, very funny Merv Griffin episode of Seinfeld, when George’s girlfriend is so horrified because he runs over a squirrel? I always thought it was silly that they took the squirrel to the vet in the first place, but now, I’m not so sure it’s such a far-fetched option.

MIRANDA: Doctor, is the squirrel going to live?

DOCTOR: There’s been massive trauma. We could, of course, try to save him but it would be costly, difficult, and we’d have to send away for some special really tiny instruments.

GEORGE: Well, uh, are there any other options?

DOCTOR: We could put him to sleep.

GEORGE: What might that cost?

DOCTOR: Well, it’s by the pound. So ... about 80 cents.

GEORGE: Well? <Miranda hits George> I was just – I’m curious, that’s all. We, uh, we’d like you to do everything possible.

DOCTOR: He, um, he’s not going to be the same, you know?

GEORGE: Yeah. Yeah. I know.

Bringing the squirrel home and carrying it around in a Baby Bjorn, now THAT was a little far-fetched.

My sister’s reading this right now, undoubtedly waiting for me to bring up her personal experience with putting animals out of their misery. Normally I would not disappoint, Kath, but I think everyone’s heard the story because somehow—no thanks to me, I’m quite sure—this comes up at every party. In other words, when Kathy’s on the guest list, the critter-killer stories come up and the pants go down. She’s lucky I love her, that seester o’ mine.

Suggestions on the animal stuff are welcome in a comment.

Jul. 1: Moral(ish) dilemma

Our aquarium pump stopped working. Between that and the lack of plecostomus, our aquarium has turned a not very lovely shade of green. Witness:

We currently have three 12-cent goldfish in the tank, all perfectly healthy but probably not very happy. What we need to do is replace the aquarium pump and get a super-hungry pleco. What we’d like to do is empty the aquarium and throw it away. I don’t want to invest any more $$ into the tank—we’ve had it for a few years—and we have bad luck with non-goldfish varieties so it’s not like setting it up as a saltwater tank will make us all think it’s super-cool again. We (me and Victor) just plain don’t want it anymore.

Therein lies the dilemma: What do you do with aquarium fish you no longer want?

1. Should we flush the live fish? Are we horrible people for even considering it?
2. Should we eat the fish? Maybe fry ‘em up with some taters?
3. Should we let them die a slow, algae’d-up gills death? Is this more humane than flushing them live?

Any and all advice will be read and considered, unless it contains words that make us seem like we’re evil.

Jun. 8: Much bettah

Whoa. I can’t believe it, but my headache’s gone. I feel kinda like it could come back at any second, like if stood up too fast or misspelled a word (like I would ever do either of those things). But it’s definitely better than it was a few hours ago. Yay me. Or more specifically, yay pharmaceuticals.

When I woke up this afternoon I was barely on the bed because both dogs and the cat were playing “Let’s See Who Can Sleep Closer to Jen” and they were all winning. I love that they’re all so cuddly, but MY GOD, would I love to sleep like a normal person once in a while.

Anyway, because I’m feeling better and the kids are at Grandma’s tonight, Victor and I get a date night OUT. We’re going to California Pizza Kitchen for one of our 327 free dinners we’ve gotten in the sweepstakes coupons they were handing out. I have another one for them to open tonight too. Maybe it’ll be the trip to Cancun. I could really go for a vacation right now.

I forgot to mention earlier that I farked up my ankle on Saturday while running to catch that stupid Sternwheeler “Boat o’ Dirty Weddings” (don’t ask). And on the way back to the car I tripped on gravel. And yesterday while I was pulling weeds in the front yard I twisted my ankle again. Loveliest Lori is right—I inherited my dad’s clumsiness, plus. So now I’m limping again. I know what you’re thinking: It’s always somethin’ with that girl.

But right now there’s a pear and gorgonzola pizza with MY name on it at CPK, so I don’t care. If I can make it there alive, I can totally deal with all the other shtuff. How’s that for positive thinking?

May 23: Couldn’t think of a title

My back has begun to hurt so much that the only way I can sleep is to sit up straight on the couch with a heating pad on a pillow. If you’ve ever tried to get a decent night’s sleep while sitting up straight then you know how much it sucks to be me. On the other hand, I have much more sympathy for astronauts now.

Lots more yard work today, but for the most part I played supervisor. I wasn’t allowed to do much because Victor’s being super-bossy of my back pain. I know it’s supposed to make me feel loved that he doesn’t want me to stress my back even more, but I think he’s just tired of hearing me whine. Of course, he gets the bed to himself when I’m sleeping on the couch, so who really knows what his ulterior motive could be. I just know there must be one.

I learned a long time ago not to buy aquarium fish at Wal-Mart, as they come pre-diseased. Today I learned not to buy nursery stock at Wal-Mart. All four of us were covered in aphids after walking through their garden center. Y’know, I’m not even all that worried about having an aphid infestation in our newly landscaped front yard—it’s just way creepy to have little bugs all over you.

There’s good news, though. My cough is virtually gone. Gotta love antibiotics for doing what they’re supposed to.

Soooo tired. Done writing now.

Mar. 17: Unlikely pet friends

Dog Makes Friends With Duck @ Yahoo! Video

If it were up to Millie, she’d have this kind of relationship with Scout and Casey. But it can never be, because Scout and Casey are total bitches.

Also, I realize this is a duck and Millie is a cat. I’m not that stupid.

Jan. 15: Another Simon movie

Remember Simon’s cat? I’ve posted the movies on the blog before but here are the direct YouTube links:

First movie

Second movie

Third movie

And there’s a new one, starring Simon’s sister’s dog. This one’s kind of a public service announcement but it still manages to be cute.

Dec. 21: It sucks to be me

We’ve got no less than one foot of snow on the ground here in Clackamas/Happy Valley. A foot! We haven’t had this much snow in, like, forever. Most of today there was freezing rain, which created a hard, thick shell on top of all the snow. Then this evening it snowed at least another inch. This all stopped being fun a long time ago.

Mom made it up from Medford fine yesterday. Traveling up I-5 was clear and easy until she got to Salem, where the roads were suddenly covered with packed snow. She has snow tires but it still took her an extra long time to drive that last hour; she got here in one piece and that’s the important thing. Of course, her car is completely frozen now, and we can’t get into her trunk to get our Christmas gifts (so she says)…

Gilly, Mom’s giant puppy, was not a big hit with Millie. She disappeared for most of yesterday after he got here. We found her at the front door last night, smelling like a campfire. I have NO idea where she spent the day. She’s been shut in our bedroom all day today because we don’t want her to sneak out again before we leave tomorrow. Poor kitty. She’s confused and lonely and nervous whenever she hears Gilly’s huge bark.

We’re not sure what’s going to happen with our plans for tomorrow. We’re supposed to take off for Sunriver but we’re not sure the roads are even drivable right now. I guess we’ll just check forecasts and road conditions in the morning and decide then.

Daryl and Sally’s flight from Boston was cancelled yesterday and they can’t get to Portland until Tuesday. Then they’ll have the drive to Sunriver; we’re not sure we’ll be with them on Christmas Day, but we’re hoping everything will work out as planned.

OK, it doesn’t really suck to be me. I’ve got my mom here and even if we can’t get to central Oregon I know we’ll spend Christmas with family. The snow will probably disappear before we run out of groceries. The kitty will either get used to Gilly or show him who’s boss. And when we’re inside our warm house, sitting around the Christmas tree with our bellies full of yummy holiday food, the view of our snow-covered street is really quite beautiful.

Whether we make it to Sunriver or not, I’ll be posting occasionally. The Sunriver house has wi-fi. Gotta love it.

Oct. 27: Pet costumes

I love this picture because it’s a rat terrier in a cow costume and we have a rat terrier and she looks a lot like this one and would look just as awesome dressed up as a cow. The beagle would probably look good too. But dang it, both of them would kill me if I tried to dress them up. One Halloween I put an orange skrunchie around Scout’s neck and she pawed at it all evening and then left a turd in our bed. I learned my lesson; watching Vic clean that up was really funny icky.



Besides this little cutie, you’ll find a bunch of other great pet costumes on one of today’s posts at Cute Overload. If I had a pet turtle I think I’d make it wear the shark costume every day.

Mar. 6: Kitty movie

For your viewing pleasure, here's another one of the cat cartoons. See the earlier one here.

Oct. 20: ahem... pssst... MEOW!

Anyone who's ever had a cat will identify with this.

July 28: Notice to all pets

To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door, pet nose height.

Dear Dogs and Cats:

The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn’t help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years; canine or feline attendance is not required.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat’s butt. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:

• They live here. You don’t.
  
• If you don’t want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That’s why they call it “fur”niture.
  
• I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
  
• To you, they are an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn’t speak clearly.

Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:

1. Eat less
   
2. Don’t ask for money all the time
   
3. Are easier to train
   
4. Normally come when called
   
5. Never ask to drive the car
   
6. Don’t hang out with drug-using friends
   
7. Don’t smoke or drink
   
8. Don’t have to buy the latest fashions
   
9. Don’t want to wear your clothes
   
10. Don’t need a gazillion dollars for college, and...
    
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.

This is a good one, Kath! Thanks for sharing.

—Jen

July 12: Critter hater

I love animals. They’re cute. They’re cuddly. They’re sweet. They’re all those things people always say about animals. In my lifetime I’ve had dogs, cats, hamsters and even a chick as pets. They’ve always been part of the family. Even L.C., my bitchy cat that moved to Dad’s, is, to me, a sweet girl.

My sister says she loves animals too. I’m not really sure. Y’see, she’s got a history of slaughtering them, or as she always corrects me, “putting them out of their misery.” She thinks she’s doing the right thing. But if they end up dead, does anyone really win?

One time she attacked her kid’s pet tarantula with a shovel. Boy, did the hairy legs fly! Humane thing to do, my butt. (‘Course, I kinda have to side with the murderer on this one, as I don’t know why anyone would keep a spider as a pet. Not a fan o’ the creepy crawlies.)

And another time she ran over a bunny repeatedly and ON PURPOSE. She missed it the first time, so she backed up and tried again. Poor panicked bunny rabbit, probably dropped more than a few pellets each time the tires came oh-so-close. Probably died of a heart attack before the ultimate flattening actually occurred. Bunny’s wife and kids were probably watching from behind a yucca plant at the side of the road.

“Mama, why is that crazy monster lady with the glowing eyes and sharp teeth scaring Daddy? And why is that boy standing in the road yelling, ‘Missed again, Mom…’ over and over? Why isn’t he helping Daddy?”

… SQUISH.

.
.
.

“Never mind, Mama…”

Whenever I think about these two events—and they’re the only two I know about, but there are probably pa-lenty more she hasn’t admitted (people that intentionally smash animals tend to be liars too)—I have to ask myself why I think my sister is so neat-o. Because neat-o people do not kill living creatures (except non-pet spiders and earwigs). Neat-o people don’t make excuses for their fits of insane rage. Neat-o people seek help.

Kath, please seek help.

And somebody needs to warn Shelby and Molly. It’s just a matter of time before the crazy monster lady with glowing eyes and sharp teeth strikes again.

Watch your step, critters…

--Jen
P.S. Rumor’s that she’s tried this extermination thing with her kids’ friends too. Hold them close, people. Hold them close.

May 6: Mother's Day story

I received a cute little “Mom” story in an e-mail this morning:

We had this great 10 year old cat named Jack who just recently died. Jack was a great cat and the kids would carry him around and sit on him and nothing ever bothered him. He used to hang out and nap all day long on this mat in our bathroom. Well we have 3 kids and at the time of this story they were 4 years old, 3 years old and 1 year old. The middle one is Eli.

Eli really loves ChapStick. LOVES it. He kept asking to use my ChapStick and then losing it. So finally one day I showed him where in the bathroom I keep my ChapStick and how he could use it whenever he wanted to but he needed to put it right back in the drawer when he was done.

Last year on Mother’s Day, we were having the typical rush-around-and-try-to-get-ready-for-church with everyone crying and carrying on. My two boys are fighting over the toy in the cereal box. I am trying to nurse my little one at the same time I am putting on my make-up. Everything is a mess and everyone has long forgotten that this is a wonderful day to honor me and the amazing job that is motherhood. We finally have the older one and the baby loaded in the car and I am looking for Eli.

I have searched everywhere and I finally round the corner to go into the bathroom. And there was Eli. He was applying my ChapStick very carefully to Jack’s rear end. Eli looked right into my eyes and said “chapped.”

Now if you have a cat, you know that he is right--their little butts do look pretty chapped. And, frankly, Jack didn’t seem to mind. And the only question to really ask at that point was whether it was the FIRST time Eli had done that to the cat’s behind or the hundredth.

And THAT is my favorite Mother’s Day moment ever, because it reminds us that no matter how hard we try to civilize these glorious little creatures, there will always be that day when you realize they’ve been using your ChapStick on the cat’s butt.

Apr. 23: Marmoset knock you out

I don't have anything to write, really, but I was reading an old issue of the Oregonian, saw this headline and just had to use it. Because I'm a dork. And, obviously, a bit of a plagiarist.

In case you were wondering, here's the accompanying news item:

An Illinois couple who bought a cute pet monkey four years ago say the animal now dominates them and rides their dog like a horse. -- Medill Reports

To recap,
1. I have nothing important to say.
2. I am a dork.
3. I am a plagiarist of sorts.
4. I am a monkey hater. (Did I mention I hate monkeys? Because I meant to. I really can't stand them.)

--Jen

Mar. 10: Cookies!

Feb. 18: This I believe...

1. It is wrong that rose quartz is a beautiful stone but on my skin it disappears because it is the same color, yet my skin is not beautiful. Instead it is the color of unbaked, salmonella-laden chicken. I believe this is proof that there is no God, and if it turns out there is, then why do tanning beds kill us?
   
2. It is a fact that logic eludes me.
   
3. You've heard me say it before, but it's as true today as it was when I was 5 years old: Kraft Macaroni & Cheese is the most perfect food ever created.
   
4. I don't think my husband should sing the words "moose knuckle" to the tune of "Moon River."
   
5. It should be illegal for my children not to listen to me.
   
6. It is wrong how much laundry there is.
   
7. It is a waste of time to watch non-TiVo'd TV. You'd have to be some kind of sucker, a chump, a sucker chump.
   
8. Speaking of TV, there should be more than one Thursday night a week.
   
9. It is wrong that I had to remind Jack three times last week not to touch Scout's butt hole.
   
10. We get way too much mail.
    
11. Puddles suck.
    
12. Life would be a lot more entertaining if it were a musical.
    
13. The Doodlebops make me miss the Wiggles.
    

--Jen