Mar. 3: Nana Saga follow-up

I wrote a response to my grandma's meanie letter right after I received it, but I held off sending it until today. First, I wanted to give her time to come down from that psychotic state she's been in (no, I don't mean Oregon. Ha! I'm hilare!). I also wanted to give myself a bit of time to write with reason instead of pissed-off-edness. What resulted might just be the boringest letter anyone's ever written or read.

Grandma,

I’m sorry you’re tired of paying for your cell phone. But just like any bill, you can’t just stop paying it. You are on a two-year service contract that does not end until January 2009.

You said you have been paying for the phone for three years, but that is wrong. You have only had your cell phone since January 2007. I remember we gave it to you when Kathy was visiting, just before you moved to Medford last year.

Before we put you on our AT&T account, our bill was $50/month. With your phone, it’s $63. We added you to our plan so you could have a cell phone and it would be less expensive for you. If you were to get your own plan, it would cost you $30/month or more.

You have two options:
1. You can continue to use your cell phone and pay $13/month until the end of your contract (January 2009).
2. You can have your cell phone service shut off and pay the $250 that AT&T will charge you for cancelling your contract before January 2009.

If you use the phone, you have to pay for the service. For safety reasons, I don’t think any of us want you to get rid of your cell phone, but that’s up to you.

--Jen

The early cancellation penalty amount? I pulled it right from my arse. I wasn't about to waste my time digging up the actual number.

Here are Grandma's possible reactions to my letter.

1. She'll be even more pissed, still refuse to pay, and yell at my mom.
   
2. She'll finally understand the facts but will still insist she's paid enough and then yell at my mom.
   
3. She'll understand the facts and start sending me checks again, though they'll be written to "Jennifer Bitch Monalong," and she'll yell at my mom.
   
4. She'll notice that I printed the letter in a 14-point font on pretty lavender paper and be so grateful that she didn't have to decipher my handwriting that she'll start sending me checks for no good reason at all. Kathy too. And then she'll find another reason to yell at my mom.
   
5. She'll inhale the anthrax with which I so thoughtfully powdered the letter and croak. But first, with her last bit of strength, she'll dial that cell phone and yell at my mom.

I love you, Mom, and I'm sorry you're gonna get yelled at.

Place your bets now...